Michael Fassbender gets his ass kicked by a girl in the ‘Haywire’ trailer

What should I call it? Girl-boner? Lady-boner? A quiet-but-powerful orgasm? However you want to describe it, that’s just what happened when I saw this first trailer for Steven Soderbergh’s new film, Haywire. Don’t confuse this with Soderbergh’s OTHER new film, Contagion, in which Dame Gwyneth makes a stroke face and then the rest of the story is just basically Outbreak, only with the bird flu rather than Ebola. This movie - Haywire – is basically just The Bourne Identity, only Bourne is an ass-kicking girl and there’s no PTSD/amnesia. The girl in question is played by newcomer Gina Carano (this is her film debut), but I don’t even want to get into that… because Soderbergh filled the cast with a plethora of delectable man-meat, first and foremost MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

Fassie in a gorgeous suit, and he is deadly, here, there and everywhere. I’ve never really seen him do a full-on action film, and his moves in the trailer… well, I don’t know. It looks more choreographed than they probably wanted it to look, but I’ll still watch this junk and try to lick the screen. The part where Fassbender (who is playing an assassin too, it seems) punches this Gina chick in what appears to be the back of her head…? OMG. And then she tries to rip his head off with her thighs… I would have loved to have rehearsed that part endlessly. “Um, Mr. Soderbergh, I really think Michael and I need to work on that bit for a few more hours- er, I mean, DAYS.” And then she shoots My Fassbender in the face!! NOOOOO! Not his beautiful face!!!! *cries horny tears*

And I love Ewan McGregor here too – I love that he’s working with Soderbergh, I love that he’s part of this ensemble. Who else? Antonio Banderas!! Yay! And Channing Tatum even looks pretty good, as does Bill Paxton. I could take or leave Michael Douglas and Michael Angarano (best known as the dude Kristen Stewart dumped for Sparkles).

So… yeah, the film looks derivative of the Bourne franchise, but I think this ensemble is far superior to the Bourne films. My only worry is that if this becomes a new franchise, My Fassie won’t be any more because his character is dead!!







Poster & promotional image from Haywire, additional pics courtesy of The Wall Street Journal Magazine.

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21 Responses to “Michael Fassbender gets his ass kicked by a girl in the ‘Haywire’ trailer”

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  1. C says:

    My friend calls a lady boner a “wide on” which is gross but funny.

  2. Quest says:

    Sorry Kaiser, Fassie was killed off, I give him credit for making that an arousing fight sequence. Loving the trailer.

  3. Fernanda says:

    I’m just glad to see Michael Douglas healthy and working again!

  4. Jerry says:

    I’ll only watch this for him no matter how many minutes he is in. He’s also the best looking guy in the trailer. So handsome.

  5. Jerry says:

    They showed the entire fighting scene at the Comic Con couple of days ago and everyone said it’s the best fight of the year. Can’t wait to see it.

  6. RedRightAnkle says:

    “A quiet-but-powerful orgasm?”

    OMG YES. I just keep staring at that first picture. It looks like they’re about to have really rough scorchingly hot break-the-bed sex, not kill each other, or at least not kill each other until AFTER the sex…

    Also that women has got LEGS, I can’t even. Honestly I wouldn’t mind being in either of their positions.

  7. brin says:

    Gina Carano isn’t any girl she’s a star MMA artist (Chuck Lidell with a biscuit)! Poor Fassdong!

  8. marianne says:

    is this the new thing? female assasins? first hanna and now this film? I’m not complaining thou :)

  9. VV says:

    What a cheesy trailer!!!! I am embarrassed watching that. Great cast indeed but what I really wanna know is why do movies have this Joss Whedon fixation with tiny waif like girls kicking major ass? (Sucker Punch etc)

    I’d like to see a more proportionate woman, preferably adult, kicking the crap out of everyone. Salt was pretty good except for how brittle and thin Angelina looked.

    Still, I will watch this solely for Fassbender. haha.

  10. madpoe says:

    I think it will be just saw the trailer this weekend for Zoe Saldana’s “Colombiana”.
    I enjoy us gals kickin’ butt, but sometimes wonder how frail some of this women look to believe they can take down a grown man (or Fassdong) like that you know.

  11. Rose says:

    Gina Carano is a MMA fighter for reals, and can kick some ass but Zoe Saldana is ridiculously skinny looking.

  12. C.Lynn says:

    You’ve never really seen Fassie do a full-on action film???
    He was in 300!

  13. Kaiser says:

    C. Lynn – Yes, you’re right! I always forget that Fassie was in 300. But what I meant was, like, a modern action film. Fassie usually does drama.

  14. The Original Ashley says:

    @VV agreed. The movie looks like crap and yet I don’t understand why so many famous men are in it. Who read that script and thought “Gold baby gold!”?

    Is this Soderbergh’s second attempt at directing a movie where the main actress isn’t an actress (the porn star and now an MMA fighter)? What’s with that?

  15. miapatagonia says:

    What a *spoiler* the trailer is for Fassdong fans. Pisses me off. *Sigh* — Fassy dies another beautiful death in a film.

    Kaiser, not only did Fassy kick ass in “300″, he has the lead in “Centurion”, where his naked pecs and sword wielding skills are in ample display.

  16. Máiread says:

    ooooh – this looks good. Kinda like Hanna, but grown-up.

    I think the exterior of the posh house shown is Ballinter House, Navan, Co. Meath if you’re ever in Ireland and want to walk in his hallowed footsteps ;)

  17. Susan says:


    I would love to see this! I love how the female lead looks normal and strong instead of emaciated/frail. Bout time.

  18. Nat says:

    I have a confession. You posted something with Fassbender earlier in the week, could have been the Hot guy comic con post? Anyway, that night I had an insane sex dream about him, and I will never look at him the same way again. Keep the posts coming guys.

  19. Bitchbelying says:

    LMAO@ Nat. That’s what I call a good night. Im guessing it was good.

  20. Shy says:

    That movie looks beyond stupid. Main character looks ridiculous. And laughable. I can’t take her serious. And while watching trailer I scratched my head in disbelief – how could so many talented actors sign for this disaster?

  21. LittleDeadGirl says:

    Omg, Lady Boner is right. I have to say I love the girl they cast … she actually looks like she could be a kiss ass chick and I didn’t see any corny moment. It just looked like an action movie with a woman as the main character holding her own against a plethora of hot man mean … am very very excited to see this.