Dear Michael Fassbender,
Why aren’t you mine? Why can’t we be married? This isn’t the kind of situation like I have with Gerard Butler, where I know he’s a dirty bastard who will eventually fall for me (at least for one night). I don’t want you for just a night, and I’m not content with “eventually”. I look at photos of you and I’m filled with longing, lust and love. You are so beautiful and ginger and handsome and joyful. I love you so much.
Some people are eager to set you with up with random celebrity women now that you and Zoe Kravitz are (finally) done. It’s like they don’t know you at all. You’re not going to end up with some blonde cat-face. You’re not going to end up with some twitchy, emo It Girl. I know what you like. You like dark girls with juicy lips and loads of self-confidence. You like them a little bit crazy (or a lot crazy). You like to rub your ginger on Mocha Vagina (my Bond Girl name, FYI).
These new photos of you – at last night’s NYC premiere of A Dangerous Method – are ridiculous. “Ridiculous” meaning “You’re wearing the f–k out of that suit and the camera is molesting every inch of your beauty.” I’m so glad you don’t look methy or crackie in these photos – I feel like you’ve lost some weight recently. Are you sick? Stressed out? Or did you lose weight for a movie? I know you do that sometimes, because you’re so talented and “method”. I really like your scruff – and I love the length of your hair these days. I hope you grow it out even longer. Will you do that for me?
I hope you are the best reviewed cast member out of A Dangerous Method. I don’t mind Viggo, but honestly, every other actor can eat a bag of dicks compared to you and your talent. Are you preparing for the awards season? I hope you are. I hope you get nominated for ‘Method’ (Best Supporting) and/or Shame (Best Actor). I hope you’re a double nominee. I hope you grace every red carpet. I hope you continue to work the hell out of your suits and tuxedos. I hope you win and you stand up there at the Kodak Center and you tear up during your broguey victory speech.
But really, I hope you come to Virginia to propose to me very soon.
Sincerely yours,
K.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
Awww…I was just kidding about Fassie and Blake, Kaiser.*Hangs head sheepishly*
How is it possible that a man can be that beautiful, that intelligent, that humorous, that kind, that talented AND has an enormous penis?
Sigh….
I agree Kaiser.
I’m a Leo and he’s an Aries…We’d be pretty great together
He liked colored girls, he can take my mexican butt with him anytime 😉
Damn K you just put your heart right out there. I hope the Fassman appreciates what you are going through right now. I am sure a lot of gynocologist will be doing bang up business treating swollen vaginas since he has gotten more popular this year. I have a friend who swears her vagina swells up after looking at him for too long(hey don’t judge it is my friend I swear it’s not me)anyhoo I have the most interesting features I am mocha colored with ginger highlights in um certain areas and freckles so I might have a chance with the Fassdong as well but if not I’ll just keep tending to my swollen er I mean I will keep you posted about my friend’s swollen ahem lady parts.
“You like to rub your ginger on Mocha Vagina (my Bond Girl name, FYI).”
LOL! You crack me up! 😀
Gosh, he’s so delicious!
As an avid Celebitchy reader, I quickly became acquainted with Fassbender through various dong posts. Had no idea who he was prior to, but confess that I am now quite the fan. I hope and pray he becomes yours Kaiser. I’m sure Adele can turn your letter into a beautiful balled.
@Saphron: One word: German 😉
The picture right below the post is really nice.
Kaiser, I failed you last night. I walked side by side to Fassie at NYFF.
When I realized it was him, it was too late. I was hypnotized by the viking ginger fassdong. Sigh…
ps: I have pics, but not walking next to him.
Sorry ladies, but he and I aren’t accepting any mail these days…ahem…please respect our privacy. Thanks very much.
Whoa, Nellie!!! Careful, girl…you’re amongst devoted Fass-followers.
Godspeed, Kaiser. Perhaps you & the Ginger’d one will double date with Idris Elba and me in the near future. Cheers!
I knew he would be in NYC (there was talk he wouldn’t show up) and I thought we’d get stupid sightings of him and Hobo Kravitz together. Thankfully there was that link in the Lively post, which means that [hopefully] those two are over.
He’s got a lot of time off between now and his next film (which doesn’t start shooting until March), hopefully this isn’t the last we see of him (since he’s so private).
Here’s a golden nugget from someone who was close to the Fasswonder yesterday at the NYFF:
” Michael smells amazing…weird for saying that I know. He has a mix of scents of Brit by Burberry and Euphoria by Calvin Klein…I can’t quite put it, but lets just say he oozes a sexy scent, lol ”
— via Twitter (hidden account).
Ay caramba! What a man…!
He needs to find out what Ewan’s secret fountain of youth is and take some of it. Ewan looks younger than Michael by tens years.
He looks old.
Gorgeous, but beginning to fade. He’s got the classic ginger skin: lovely, but pale, thin, fragile, wrinkling easily and needing a ton of moisturizer and sunscreen for proper maintenance and preservation. Someone get this man the full line of Philosophy, stat, before it’s too late!
Kaiser, you are so funny. I hope he reads this and finds you. 🙂
Kaiser has a plan. I know she does.
Kaiser sees all these posts concerning Michael’s delicate skin and aging but Michael won’t have those problems if Kaiser’s plan works. If they marry she plans to constantly sit on Michael’s face so the sun won’t hurt it and he can’t smoke if Kaiser is sitting on his face all the time plus it will stay moisturized. See that Kaiser is one smart bitch and so am I cuz I figured it out before anybody else only she thought of it first.
Yep don’t under estimate a smart bitch especially one with the code name “Mocha Vagina”
I never really got the appeal of him (so sorry, Kaiser!) but in these pics he looks very nearly identical to my Mr. The Mr. has green eyes, though… even the wrinkles are the same. Creepy!
An amazing brilliant letter!
“Mocha Vagina” – brilliant!
**off to create my own BG name now**
Soo sweet! Lol! :-:-D
The was great K. LOL
Awesome Kaiser. He better read this. When you are done with him, I have more Mocha for him.
This letter totally made my day, haha. Love it.
Kaiser here is an audio interview with the Fassdong from New York, his voice is the butter. Love his insight in the characters but especially about relationships. Oh and he mentions “penis and vagina” while analyzing Freud and Jung.
http://blogs.indiewire.com/thelostboy/archives/14_minutes_and_50_minutes_with_michael_fassbender/
Also couple of tweets:
————
http://alwaysbeenwithyou.tumblr.com/post/11104595830
Reminder to those critics who just watched Mike Fassbender picking up women with just a look in Shame… you’re not Michael Fassbender #nyff
@katieisms
Katie Calautti
Shame Q&A: Reporter “There’s a comment on the size of your forehead.” Fassbender “I thought you were going to say something else.” #NYFF
22 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone
(wipes tears from eyes)
It’s gonna happen, Kaiser. I know it. This is too special to not come true.
Then after the sweet words and love (banging) making are done, post some damn video and pics. (I mean that in the nicest, non-sexually harassing way. :))
Amen, sister, I couldn’t have said it better.
Now that Penn Badgley has joined those occupy Wall Street folks his lil ass might get arrested and then Michael will be back up in Zoe before the weekend is out. Michael will spend time banging er I mean consoling Zoe.
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/penn-badgley-joins-protestors-at-occupy-wall-street-2011610
Bellydancer, PLEASE don’t keep us updated on your “parts” –he he. Michael might or might not be with Zoe, either way it’s open season because the way Zoe is acting, it can’t be a serious relationship.
LucyOriginal, you are a lucky girl! I am pissed that he didn’t come to Toronto on Sat at TIFF and I didn’t go on Sun.
I disagree with you, K on a few things. Michael is very talented but I don’t want him to get nominated right now because he will get too popular and his name will became more recognised (even now, his star is on the rise–ugh). I like how it is now. I want him to get nominated in like a year’s time (when he returns to TIFF). Oh, and another thing, he’ll make some kind of proposal to MOI—he he! 🙂
Thanks Crissy I will keep you posted on”my friend’s” swollen ladyparts. Ahem
Penn Badgley has joined the crazy wall street people and might get his lil ass locked up and then Michael will have to go over and bang er I mean console Zoe over it. It’s a good thing that Penn is trying to get locked up cuz everyone knows that you don’t fuck with Fassbender’s property. Nope that will get you hurt so Penn has quickly figured how to not get hurt and that is by getting himself arrested since he and Zoe have been seen kissing and cuddling all over NYC where Michael is now. The Fassman might even give a shout out to Penn for standing up for something but he better leave Zoe alone before Michael starts kicking like a river dancer and kicks Penn’s ass
Oh my goodness gracious!!, can I get pregnant just by looking at him??
Kaiser you are seriously hilarious and adorable :). I think it would be fantastic if you two did hook up, how awesome would that be hehe.
As for the Fassdong pics- LOVE them. He has such a great face.
@Crissy: I know right? I should stop “biting” myself up for not talking to him or ask for pictures. I can say our arms were less than an inch of a distance,lol. His smile…his gaze…
I want me some german suasage.
I like!
haha i mentally wrote something like that after seeing x-men first class, but only with half your eloquence, K. 🙂 he is gorgeous but i reckon not all germans are built the same way
Kaiser, you Mocha-Vagina-BITCH, you will not get a hold of the Fassdong. How long have you known about him–since, like March 2011 when Jane Eyre came out? I’ve been on his luscious, ginger tail since 2007! He’s MINE..MINE, MINE, MINE!
K. you actually made me laugh and agree 🙂 I think he likes the ladies that look opposite of him. Dark, nice lips, and a little bohemian. He is the type of man that walks into the room and most of the women want him. He is old Hollywood masculine. Lived in Germany briefly with a few German guy friends, the men are confident and smart. Love German men. Nothing better than men comfortable with their masculinity.
Lol, I wish you goodluck Kaiser! I totally agree with Saphron.
A note to Fassbender: I am going to see Shame on Sunday. Be there! xo,
LucyOriginal.
ewwwwwww