Worst dressed at the Globes: Jessica Biel, Piper Perabo or Paula Patton?

These are literally the dregs of the Golden Globes fashion girls. Conveniently enough, these four women are my nominees for “worst dressed” at last night’s Golden Globes. In one case, it’s not even that the woman looked like total hell, it was just the harsh dichotomy between what was happening in her own delusional mind and the reality that she was and is not even 1% as important as she thinks she is. Scratch that – I just described all of them. SPOILER.

First up: Jessica Biel in a bridal doily by Elie Saab. I cannot even begin to describe my disgust at this look. First of all, it’s a wedding dress. Second of all, it’s a HIDEOUS wedding dress. Third of all, NO Jessica Biel, I don’t want to see your biscuits. Fourth of all, it doesn’t fit. Fifth of all, it’s just awful. WTF was she thinking?

Next up: Piper Perabo in Theory. A different girl might have made this work. But Piper is a bad actress on a crappy “girly CIA” show, and she just showed up to the Golden Globes in a gigantic ball gown. She’s like this year’s Olivia Wilde, only Olivia Wilde actually had some heat and some buzz around her when she came to the Globes in a ball gown. Piper has no heat. She just overdressed in a ball gown like an a–hole. Plus, it was a really ugly ball gown with a sheer panel down the middle of her chest. Awful.

Now, Paula Patton. We’ve given Paula some leniency in the past, mostly because she is a beautiful woman. But dear God, she was SO annoying on the red carpet. And she just wouldn’t leave either! And for why? Were we supposed to be impressed with her Big Bird dress? Awful.

And last but not least, Elle Macpherson. It’s not even that she looked bad. It’s just that she sauntered around the carpet, tossing her extensions and doing model-poses like she owned the place. Bitch, you’re the budget Heidi Klum on the budget Project Runway. Ease up.

UPDATE: CB wanted me to add Amanda Peet, who was one of her worst-dressed picks of the night. This seriously looks like a shower-curtain dress. It’s Marc Jacobs.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

 

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118 Responses to “Worst dressed at the Globes: Jessica Biel, Piper Perabo or Paula Patton?”

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  1. Lacey says:

    Hmmm… So still no sighting of Jessica Biel’s engagement ring? Is that weird?

  2. brin says:

    Jessica is the worst of the worst. That dress is a total disaster.

  3. valleymiss says:

    I actually really liked Paula’s dress…a bold choice but it worked. Agree on Jessie Biel and Piper, but I thought Elle looked great.

  4. Original Chloe says:

    I’m gonna say Jessica. She looks like a curtain.

    • dj says:

      Biel did look like a curtain! That is exactly what I said last night. Hideous. Elle WTF? It was not about you! She did sashay. Weird. A little sad and embarrassing too. Disagree about Piper Perabo. Not a fan of the dress but I love her show Covert Affair (?). She rocks and is a good actress more than I can say about Biel! P.P. was cute but not a great dress. A.P. I’ll give a pass.

  5. Quest says:

    Let’s give Jessica some credit….(sarcasm) probably the only way she would actually walk down an aisle wearing a wedding dress.

  6. Jayna says:

    Paula Patton looked gorgeous and I love her bubbly personality and the fact that she and her singer husband have been together since 16 or 17 and are still madly in love.

    I think Jessica Biel is a stunner, but what a miss last night. Coming out to present, that dress made her look huge. It was a mess.

  7. shesajezebel says:

    Jessica Biel FTW. Is she a sister wife? Is she a vampire with her constantly washed out face? I do not understand. And… what is she in that she’s even invited? This “hanging on by a thread” has been her M.O. for years now.

    I think Piper is choosing a daring fashion forward dress. I don’t love it but my hat is off to her for the bravery.

    Paula, I just don’t care about.

  8. badrockandroll says:

    Jessica’s dress is the worst! You can see her underpants. Her toes seem to be complaining even more than I did when I saw the dress. There is something dangerously third boob-y about that flopping centre piece of lace. Normally I like Saab, but why would Biel disguise her body (her only attribute really) under this flapping monstrosity?

  9. Agnes says:

    I like the skirt of Jessica’s dress (*ducks*), but I can’t imagine what the top would have to look like in order to save the dress… Peet’s dress is shockingly horrific.

  10. gab says:

    I think it’s a tie for worst dressed between FUG Biel and Peet. Biel just always gets it wrong on all counts and Peet just has no style sense whatsoever.

  11. Kiki says:

    Paula Patton needs a big SIT DOWN. That yellow thing was up on her feet every time an award was handed, and she cheered and clapped like the person there needed her approval to receive an award. It was kind of ridiculous, actually. Honey, people know you from a Tom Cruise movie (at least that’s when I first noticed her), for Christ’s sake, sit your ass down.

  12. MapleLeaf says:

    I’ll agree with you on all of these. Definite yawns.

  13. Zelda says:

    I get where Biel was going with that. She didn’t pull it off 100%, but it was different and I like that, and pretty in its own way.

    Perabo’s dress looks like something she made herself in grade 10 sewing class.

    • kc says:

      Re: the pipergirl: thank you!!!! While the other dresses were no doubt horrible, this dress straight up makes her look like a male figure skater. I regally believe she had to work to make herself that flat- who would do that to their own boobs?!?!?!

      At least the other dresses make them a recognizable female!

  14. patata says:

    I love Elle’s dress and bracelets.

  15. The Original Mia says:

    Jessica looked ridiculous. What was that flounce on that overdone dress? I thought it was a bib. Ugh.

    Piper’s dress & posing was ridiculous. How old are you?

    I liked Paula’s dress. It matched her zany personality. I gave her some slack because she’s been getting good reviews for MI4.

    Couldn’t figure out why Elle was there, but she didn’t bother me.

    Amanda Peet dress was bad.

  16. skuddles says:

    Well they’re all bad…. what is with this whole frou frou frilly frock thing ladies?? I particularly dislike Beil’s dress.

  17. Bad Gal Addiction says:

    I’m not worried to see Biel’s biscuit ’cause she obviously wears a panty But I can see her tiddays, right? Skank! Elie Saab, this curtain dress disappointed me a lot!

    *Gulp……..I actually like Paula and her yellow dress.

  18. Blue says:

    I like Paula Patton’s dress. The cut and colour. Why am I seeing Jessica’s panties? Piper looks ridiculous.

  19. the original bellaluna says:

    The dresses are ALL awful. It’s a 5-way tie.

  20. Hautie says:

    I actually love Piper’s “crappy girl CIA” show. :)

    But Piper is a tiny girl. Wearing a lot of dress. I did get to she her walking in it and the way it flowed behind her was gorgeous. But she needed to be 5’11 to pull off standing still… posing in it.

    Biel.

    Bless her heart.

    How can she have so many amazingly bad dresses? She has a great body but manages to wear crap dresses. Is Rachel Zoe dressing her? Seriously.

    Has Biel pissed off every designer in LA? And no one will offer her better dresses?

    Doesn’t it make you wonder. What kind of tragically awful dress, she will pick for a wedding gown?

  21. Marjalane says:

    Regardless of how butt ugly Jessica Biel’s dress was, (and it WAS B.U.) why on earth did she get a spot with the big wheels to present an award?? Isn’t the thing that the later you present, the bigger the star you are? Was she annointed because of the pipsqueak thing? Buuuhlech!

  22. Marianne says:

    I liked Paula Patton’s dress, although she came across as such a try hard. It was hilarious watching all her faces on the red carpet. Girl, looked high. Plus it was something to do when she stood up and clapped for Steven Spielberg that was like “Bitch you are trying waaaay to hard”. But I love the gown.

    Jessica’s reminded me a lot of Leighton Meester’s last year, which was also ugly.

    Piper’s didn’t look nice to begin with, but I also hate how sheer it was. Nobody wants to see your underpants.

    Amanda’s isn’t that terrible, but not very great.

    • Matt says:

      ITA about Paula Patton- the faces she was pulling on the red carpet were ridiculous/hilarious. I just watched MI 4 which is great, but Paula Patton was the worst part of it. She truly cannot act to save her life.

      • Jeez Louise says:

        You could totally see her legs through her dress when she presented. It was embarrassing, like Princess Di’s see through photo when she got engaged. The difference was she was tricked into standing in the sun, making her legs visible through her skirt. Piper’s just dumb.

  23. Momo B. says:

    Is it just me, or does Jessica Biel’s nose look different? She had her original nose years ago, a nice nose job, and then another little tweak was added to make it turn up a little. Now I don’t see the upturned part. A strange angle, perhaps, but I smell a surgery.

  24. Sakyiwaa says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Piper Perabo and Amanda Peet for the WIN!

  25. Melissa says:

    Was Biel wearing an engagement ring?? I didn’t see one…which makes me think there is no way they’re engaged cuz she would have showed that off ALL night!!!

  26. CHLOE W says:

    me thinks Piper was on something!
    did you see all those pics of her?

  27. Kaligula says:

    The consistent lack of smart or at least quirky/ individualistic style on Biel’s part is nothing short of baffling. Does she have poor eyesight, or a stylist who is an otherwise out of work family member? One of the two, I suspect. Or the alternative which would be that she has an unshakeable inner conflict about her own presence in the limelight…….

  28. Meggie says:

    Jessica Biel = Ms. Havisham! Elle needs to stop hitting the tanning spray. She looks like she belongs on the Jersey Shore!

  29. normades says:

    I think Elle’s dress is awful. All those cuts and tulle. Just really messy design.

  30. QQ says:

    Paula looked and sounded drunk as fuck. Besides obnoxious, piper perabo looked botox and on pills or something, she fucked with her face something awful then decided to go the lea michelle school of poseharding

  31. Madison says:

    So many truly awful dresses they are all as bad as each other, but I think the winner of worse dressed is piper.

  32. I.want.shoes says:

    I too actually liked Paula’s dress and don’t think she should be included in this fug fest. The colour might be bold but she has the personality to pull it off and the fit was great.

  33. phlyfiremama says:

    Holy crap that was Piper Perabo!! I saw one picture where I thought she was Sharon Stone, and was thinking Sharon was looking good~minus the glue on sequin stripper shoes…:)

  34. Susan says:

    Why why why is Jessica’s toe sticking out of her shoe? Is it not enough to have on that fugly dress? She couldn’t get the shoe size right either?

  35. maritan says:

    Amanda Peet always looks awful. She makes very strange fashion choices for events.

    They all look like crap, with the exception of Paula Patton – only the colour of her dress is terrible.

  36. Tuatara says:

    Jessica Biel always looks like she was left out in the rain. Make-up, hair, dress … washed out. Always.

  37. Tillie says:

    Jessica looks fine to me, if only she had bothered to buy shoes that fit..

    Amanda’s dress is not cute, but her pretty face makes her get away with it.

  38. Jess says:

    I loved Paula’s dress (and yellow dresses in general – Emily Blunt’s was even better) but I agree that she was completely annoying during the show (I didn’t see any of the red carpet stuff).

  39. Amea says:

    I love Paula Patton and her dress would’ve been a 10 for me if the bustline was more creative and not just straight across. She shouldn’t be on this list, actually no one should be on a list with Jessica Biel because Jessica Biel will ALWAYS win worst-dressed.

  40. HubbaHub says:

    Er, I don’t think Elle McPherson is a budget anyone – she’s a supermodel and businesswoman in her own right. I’m not a fan either but don’t denigrate her career just because you don’t like her!

    • HubbaHub says:

      …meant to add…but you are 100 per cent right about Biel…she needs to stop with the nude shades, just reminds us all how beige she is.

    • Alex says:

      I was going to say the same thing. I was with this entire post (did anyone see Paula Patton on Jimmy Fallon recently? She is SO into herself, and clearly thinks it comes off as remarkably charming)….but Elle Macpherson is definitely not budget anything. And many, many people in the fashion world have long called Heidi Klum the budget Elle Macpherson.

      … i will say, though, the new show is the budget Project Runway.

  41. Camille (The original) says:

    They are all really awful dresses but my worst dressed vote has to go to Jessica Biel. That dress was damn ugly and not only that but it looked like she had a saggy old boob hanging down in the middle of her chest. Beyond awful.

  42. HappyJoyJoy says:

    Jessica Biel. YAWN. I like how she believes she’s painfully pretty too. She fancies herself some kind of “timeless” beauty. She is a joke. Delusional joke.

  43. Kristin says:

    Wow you are so nasty to Piper. She is NEVER in the spotlight, or in dirty gossip rags, etc, and you are calling her an attention whore? And a bad actress? You obviously haven’t seen Lost and Delirious.

  44. bea says:

    …a FOUR TIERED shower curtain that is!

  45. Jules says:

    Paula Patton is an idiot! From her ridiculous bouncy and overzealous behavior, to her mispronunciation of names when giving out an award…this chick is annoying AND stupid.

  46. Shelly says:

    I’m going with Elle. I hate that ugly tulle at the bottom. And her red carpet posing was SUPER annoying.

  47. jamminatorr says:

    I didn’t watch the pre-show because I was busy watching Eli Manning rock!

    But when Elle came up on the stage I actually gasped. Her horrendous dress and nasty hair were just… so horrid. Unlike Jessica’s, which is also awful, I feel like Elle’s dress is some sort of joke. Like she had an agreement with someone else for it to be “bad 80′s wedding dress night” and the other didn’t follow through.

  48. Euphorima says:

    Jessica Biel clearly had ‘toes trauma”! The dress is not that bad though except that it is ill-fitting.

    But why is the bottom half of Piper’s dress transparent to the point where her undies are so visible? It looks tacky.

  49. TheOriginalVictoria says:

    Maybe Paula was just excited to be there. Paula has been around for awhile and just because other people aren’t aware of her awesomeness doesn’t make her try hard and having met her in person she is so funny and outrageous. Really nice and even more gorg in person I totally see how she and Robin work as a couple. Also, that dress is perfect for her skin tone. She can wear almost any color. She is very outgoing and always positive. I know this is celebitchy but damn, as cynical as we all are some people just not that bad.

    Jessica, she did look like she wasn’t sure what century she was living in and I had the sudden urge to set out my fine china for a dinner party…on her body.

    I LOVED PIPER’S dress. One of my favs of the night. I hoopish lile dresses.

  50. sam says:

    Amanda: the dress is really bad.
    Jessica: the dress looked different on t.v, in photos it looked awful.
    Piper: the bottom looked like a shower cap
    Paula: her attitude was more annoying than the dress.
    Elle: Beautiful lady, no other thoughts really

  51. kikilo says:

    Best to worst.
    - Paula Patton does not belong on this list. Love the dress if for the color alone. And she’s gorgeous. But annoying yes.
    - Elle’s dress is awful, but she would look great in a shower curtain (see last place)
    - Biel & Perabo are washed-out bores.
    - Amanda Peet wearing that curtain looks ghastly. Worst by a mile.

  52. Isa says:

    I just can’t stand it when toes hang off the shoes. Ugh.

  53. Nanea says:

    Piper was my own personal worst, closely followed by e.g. Rooney M, and Lea.

    What I don’t get though is Mrs. Pinault’s awful dress. I mean, she’s only married to a billionaire who owns, among other things, Gucci, YSL, Alexander McQueen, and they still can’t tailor a gown that fits her? *rolls eyes*

  54. dena says:

    Are you insane? Paula Patton looks STUNNING in that dress! I like her :)

  55. MSat says:

    While these were all awful, the worst one to me was Dianna Agron from Glee. That red dress with the bad stencil cutout on top and the frills on the bottom? What a mess! She’s a lovely girl but she can never get it right- the new queen of fug in my book.

  56. UKHels says:

    I have to say there was worse than this

    Cameron Diaz for a start, and Madge, Kelly and Sharon Osborne and some chick in a hideous red concoction

    I think Paula Patton looks hot, didn’t see the actual ceremony so must remain silent on her fuckwittery

  57. Ranga says:

    On what planet is Elle McPherson ‘budget’? You’re nuts. I don’t think any of these dresses were that bad, Elle’s was not good though.

  58. Playlist says:

    Elle’s dress is white at the GG, then she wearing an almost identical gold dress at the after parties?? How bizarre. Did she stop off along the way and have it dyed? Her strut up to the microphone on stage was embarrassing to watch.

    Jessica B. dress was the worst. I hate to say it but Meryl Streep’s dress was a close second.

  59. Rachel says:

    Jessica’s was the worst, I think. My first thought upon seeing it was, “Why is she wearing her grandmother’s wedding dress?” No redeeming qualities to that dress, seriously.

  60. nanster says:

    I hardly recognized Piper Perabo – what has she done to her face? She is not the same girl as she was in Coyote Ugly. As far as hideous dress award, it would have to go to Jessica Biel or Amanda Peet. I couldn’t help but think that Jessica was jumping the gun, getting her wedding dress too soon…

  61. jane16 says:

    All of these are hideous. Hard to pick the worst.

  62. Anna says:

    Elle McPherson is 47 years old! Don’t love the dress and the posing, but you gotta hand it to her – she is smokin’ hot.

  63. danielle says:

    I think Biel wins for worst dressed, compared to the other night, when she was gorgeous in gold, this is just ridiculously bad!!!!

  64. Stubbylove says:

    Gotta agree with most of these choices but you left off Lea Michelle – regardless that she’s in need of a huge bitch-slap in general – her dress and her ridiculous posing is just…well, just terrible. While Elle McPherson is beyond hot – her dress was too “girly” for her age AND WTF was she doing there?

  65. mollie says:

    Worst dressed was Meryl Streep, hands down. I love Meryl, but WTF?

  66. thethinker says:

    Jessica Biel’s dress just confused me. Maybe she was trying to distract everyone from her overwhelming beauty so they’d cast her in one of the roles Anne Hathaway keeps getting.

    Paula on the other hand, looks really good. She shouldn’t be on this list!

  67. anonymoose says:

    BLAH BIEL!

    ugly dress, meh face, unflattering heavy haircolor and hairdo, and inefficient unpretty cage shoes: yuck.

  68. Kristen says:

    I’d never heard Paula P. speak until she presented last night – is she always that way? Was she drunk? Holy hell it was bad.

  69. Franny says:

    I see my comment about the annoying ads were deleted. interesting.

  70. Dhavy says:

    WTF was Elle doing there? I wanted to be there and trip her when she went onstage to present, she looked so smug

    Jessica looked like a decorated horse

    Michelle Williams was dressed like an old hag…her dress was super fug as well

  71. lucy2 says:

    Jessica’s is bland and bad, but holy cow, Piper’s is by far the worst.
    I didn’t know who Paula was until I read these comments, but damn, I saw that yellow every time the camera shot changed!
    The dress itself is fine, it’s the color and the attention starved actress in it that weren’t good.
    I also disliked SMG’s and Julianna Margolis’.

  72. GoodCapon says:

    What is up with Paula Patton’s expressions? She was so weird last night.

  73. laura says:

    I laughed out loud watching Piper pose on the red carpet…..calm down sista! She looked like a clown – dress was much too much for a D list actress.

    Love Paula Patton, Love Elle MacPhereson too – she’s the most gorgeous! Hate Hate Amanda Peet ever since she referred to parents who don’t vaccinate their children as ‘leeches’….

  74. whatevs says:

    most women dressed really weird, and they were either too short or too shapeless to wear these dresses. and elle looks busted. it’s not like there were ever a sparkle of intelligence in those eyes, but she keeps posing like an intoxicated jerry hall and it’s embarrassing.

  75. Jordan says:

    Ugh, Biel. Then again, she’s too beautiful to be offered nice dresses. Plus, Anne Hathaway stole the dress we was totally destined to wear. It’s Anne Hathaway’s fault, obviously.

  76. kc says:

    JB’s hair was the worse I have ever seen at an award’s show.

  77. Shay Kay says:

    Jessica has pretty features, pretty hair, and an awesome body and yet she still looks like cr@p!Justin please give her a stylist as a wedding present!

  78. Sophie says:

    Wow, Kaizer, we must have the opposite taste in women & clothes. I think all of these women look beautiful, and I would wear every one of these dresses! And I’m picky, I swear!

    One thing’s for sure: they all look a thousand times better than Angelina Jolie.

    • JulieM says:

      Sophie, I agree. While I don’t care for JB, I kind of like the vintage vibe of her dress. It’s a typical overblown design by Elie Saab, but I like it. I think PiperP’s dress could have been executed a little better; it’s too long in front; but I like that it’s not your typical cookie cutter dress. Now the other two are cookie cutter and look it. Oh look! more strapless mermaids!

      Also agree with your last statement. Talk about someone who is not a great dresser!

  79. Tara says:

    Paula and Amanda looked awful. At least pipers dress was interesting. I agree Jessica wore her wedding dress because deep down she realizes its not gonna happen.

  80. SamiHami says:

    Why isn’t Charlize Theron on this worst dressed list? Beautiful as she is, her dress is as big a disaster as all of these.

  81. Vera says:

    I can see Jessica’s nips. Just saying…

    Anyways, all the dresses are ugly to a degree. I don’t want to scroll up, but the CIA girly had the best dress (in my aesthetic), but it was all wrong on her. She seems like she may be short, so that might be why it is bunching weird. Whatever it is, wrong dress for her. And the colour isn’t very red carpet, so whoever would be able to wear it should probably opt for another colour.

  82. chris ls says:

    yes, jessica beils dress was unbelievably ugly. But blame the designer! Who would dare design such a hideous mess?