This week’s National Enquirer cover story is a doozy. It has a little bit of everything – lies, sex, infidelity, hypocrisy, therapy, broken engagements, lesbianism, hotel hookups, and girl-on-girl martial arts. AND LOVE. As you can imagine, it’s all about Brangelina and whether or not they will end up getting married after all. The Enquirer’s sources say “hell to the no” – all because Angelina is a terrible, awful person, of course. La Villainess Jolie. Since the cover story is so epic, I’m just going to do some highlights in bullet points, for humor:
*Talk of marriage “collapsed” in a premarital counseling session (the counselor was a trusted family friend rather than a therapist) after Angelina “confessed that she continued to have sex with other men after they’d fallen for each other on the set of ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’!”
*Angelina dropped the bomb on Brad: she was still boning dudes in hotels AFTER January 2004, when they began working together on MAMS. Some dudes she was boning during that time period? Her ex-husband Jonny Lee Miller and Ralph Fiennes.
*Brad was “floored” by these revelations (even though they’ve been widely reported for YEARS). Even though Brad and Angelina weren’t having a physical relationship back them (early 2004), “Brad still considers it cheating, a complete betrayal.” So, obviously, “He stormed out of the session and Angelina jumped up and followed him, crying and yelling out, ‘No Brad! Please forgive me!’”
*Some history: Jonny Lee Miller married Angelina knowing that she was screwing Jenny Shimizu. JLM was cool with it, “but the whole arrangement never sat well with Brad.” LOL.
*In the therapy session, Brad wanted to get all of the bad blood out on the table, so of course, Angelina started talking about how much she hates Jennifer Aniston. “Angelina spoke of her animosity toward Aniston, saying she couldn’t stand Jen’s good girl saint act and Brad’s continued friendship with her.”
*BITCH-FIGHT. “Angelina revealed that there was a day when she physically threatened Jen. She was fed up with Brad still remaining close to his ex, and Angelina got so jealous and upset over the arrangement she told friends she wanted to take Jen down in a fight. Angelina knows some martial arts moves, and she was ready to kick Jen’s ass. She also made sure her threat became known to people who would get the message to Jen, and the two women have had a contentious and distant relationship ever since.”
*Brad was a big baby about Angelina wanting to bitch-fight Aniston. “The whole session left a bad taste in Brad’s mouth. Now he’s not only rethinking the marriage, but also the entire relationship. So, he’s called off the marriage.”
[From The Enquirer, print edition]
Should I even bother with the fact-checking on this stuff? The Ralph Fiennes story has never been confirmed, and I think it originated with Ian Halperin. There were claims that somehow, Ralph and Angelina met each other circa 2003, and they were getting hot and heavy in hotels for a while. Same with Mick Jagger, and of course, her ex-husband Jonny Lee Miller. The JLM stuff is the only story I believe whole-heartedly. Some days, I’ll tell ya… I wish Jonny and Angelina had stayed together. They were HOT.
As for the whole “Angelina was going to judo chop Aniston’s chin” story – WTF were the Enquirer’s editors smoking?
Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.
Brad’s totally checking her out in the 3rd pic!
He’s like ahhh yeah my woman gonna chop me down with her Judo moves tonight!
That look is smoking hot!
Totally checking her out is correct! Just imagine what is going through his mind.
hilarious. just laughed out loud at this. “Angelina knows some martial arts moves, and she was ready to kick Jen’s a&s” so funny! anyway its all rubbish,I think brad and angie look really happy together and why would they care about what happened in the past, nonsense.
Ela, love that one too! I would so pay though to watch that happen: Let’s end the Team Ange and Team Aniston once and for all, let the bitches fight! I’m betting Jennifer bites, while Angelina shreds her to pieces with her skeleton-ic talons.
On a very sad note, my husband was caught cheating on me. With a lot of different women. And very often, for like 10 years. Of course, that was before we met, but I cannot shake the feeling that he should have stayed pure for the sake of our eternal love. Yeah, big snort here.
@originalone:
Hahaha, that was a good one. Had me going until I read the last few lines. Thanks for giving me the best laugh for today. 🙂
No problem! Even better it’s free of charge. That’s how giving I am 🙂
Omg. You’re hilarious. Love it!!
I was outraged, shocked, and hurt on your behalf…and then I laughed my @ss off! Thanks for the laugh!
Thank you, bow, I’m here all night, try the ravioli that’s on special tonight folks.
Bow.
You’re killing me! My side hurts from laughing! The comments are the best part of this blog!
hahahhahahaah that was amazing
LOL! The whole: ”No, Brad! Please! Forgive me!” was the funniest thing I have ever heard. I pictured Angelina (in a black dress, of course) running after him in her heels, waving a handerchief at him. The Enquirer is very good for a laugh.
Originalone: Bahahahhahaahahaha! I thoúght you were serious until the last line! I was like: ”That bastar…….Oh, she’s just kidding.” 😆
My punchlines are always at the end. I need to build expectation… Or rather quite honestly, I don’t know how to tell a joke in the first line. Yeah, insert very disappointed sad face here.
LOL! It was still funny as hell (don’t get that term. Is Hell supposed to be funny? From what I’ve heard it isn’t). You’re jokes are hilarious so you keep building that anticipation 😀
=D I know the whole thing sounds like some kind of fan-fiction.
Given Angies current weight I doubt she could kick Jen’s ass with some martial arts moves.(Imagine Angie in the Karate Kid crane pose.)
A strong gust of wind would take her out.
edit – Angie and Jonny were hot. Angie and Brad not so much.
Even if she did…
She was single and he was married at the time. He wouldn’t ‘own’ rights.
Exactly! Why would he be upset?! He was MARRIED!
I love how they fail to mention Brad was married at the time. You can’t cheat on a married man unless you are his wife. Brad has said over and over that they weren’t involved until the second part of the MAMS shoot AFTER he announced his split from Aniston so this is just Grade A BULLSHIT.
I think it’s adorable that you believe everything a movie star says, but even darling, unimpeachable Bradley has been caught telling a few fibs in his time.
Hell, sometimes celebrities even deny cosmetic surgery they’ve obviously had or talk up their marriages when divorce lawyers have already been called. Fancy that!
Well Tapioca I find your patronizing tone ‘adorable ;)’ My point IF Angie were sleeping with all these men while Brad was ahem MARRIED and before Brad states their relationship began (even it’s a lie) it wasn’t cheating.
So the friend who did the counseling spilled all to the NE??!?! Or did Angie call them directly and cry into her 1950s black villainous rotary phone while wearing her black chemise and wrapped in her black fur stole?
And I agree. I also wish she had stayed with JLM. If for the simple fact we wouldn’t have had 6 years of the (Fake) Life & Times of the Uncool Triangle.
ETA: I can’t believe they didn’t go balls out and claim that she admitted to sleeping with Johnny Depp. You missed your chance NE.
I think Brad mentioned marriage recently so this kind of attention would start. He isnt naive.
I’m really interested in the Gayle King story… How she uses Oprah to make MILLIONS?
HOW? It can’t be that bad… I’ve totally been suspecting this…
Well every media job she’s ever gotten she’s been advertised as Oprah’s best friend.
She just got a gig on a morning talk show on CBS and in all of her press interviews all she does is talk about Oprah. What’s sad is none of her shows do well.
I was being ironic. I don’t particularly like GK.
Who builds their whole image out of being a famous person’s BFF? Just devoid of substance.
“Who builds their whole image out of being a famous person’s BFF? Just devoid of substance”
Paris Hilton
Kim Kardashian
See the kind of parasites are in GK’s category 🙂
and so here it is, class:
THE CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF TABLOID JOURNALISM… BIG YELLOW WORDS!
they’ll never take you seriously if you don’t employ big yellow font…. 🙂
“No Brad! Please forgive me!”
Lol. I’m sure she really ran after him yelling that.
I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard at that line. As if their lives are a Mexican soap opera.
LMAO! OMG this is SO telenovela territory! hahahaha!!
* yawn *
I can’t believe they are still on about Brad – Jen – Ange. For gods sake move on, these 3 have!! This all happened almost a decade ago, find a new love triangle to gossip about that actually exists!!
LOL! The NE is funny and the post will definitely become cray cray with you Angie haters believe this story lol
Mick Jagger? 😝
It’s another story set up for Brad’s oscar campaign. His people probably want all of us to feel sorry for him and have simpathy.. so he can finally win that bloody Oscar that he’s been chasing forever
They actually talked about it on Pop Up Video on VH1.
It’s another Halperin lie. Some idiots even believe that Angie has a love child with him.
I hope it isn’t true. I would think she’d have higher standards.
The next thing the NE will have is that she gave birth to an alien.
That’s the type of tabloid the NE is.
Ugh, I didn’t even bother to read all of that bull. Why can’t they go with an angle that hasn’t been rehashed hundreds of times?
I’m still waiting for the “Brad Storms Out After Finding Angie In Bed With Justin Theroux….AND Jennifer Aniston (Feelings Hurt He Wasn’t Invited)” angle to come in to play
And then two months later: “Angie Pregnant With Twins: She’s Telling Friends One is Brad’s; The Other, Justin’s!!!!!!!!!”
Thank you, your Worship. I’m in between coffees and needed that.
“And Jen is trying to get custody of both of the babies…not because she wants babies but because she doesn’t want to read more about Angie being the best mother ever!”
LOL!!! Pregnant with twins, one from Brad, the other is Justin’s…
You should write for News of The World! 🙂
That was hilarious. It’s like writers sitting around a table to come up with a story line. Even if Angelina was sleeping with a whirlwind of men, which I tend to believe, it wouldn’t be classified as cheating. Since Brad himself was married to Jen and they did go on vacation to see if they wanted to stay married. I can betcha, they weren’t just talking on that vacation. So no one was cheating on anyone, well except Brad was on his then wife. I just can’t believe after 7 years or whatever, they still run with this triangle.
Actually evidence shows that Brad didn’t cheat either. There never was any affair.
What evidence is there? Honestly? I’ve heard this a bunch of times but I don’t know how there is evidence of this non-cheating. The only ones who would really know would be Angelina and Brad. If they were cheating, I don’t actually believe that they would honestly tell the media.
Does anyone really expect:
Brad Pitt to say, “Well Jen and I were having problems and then I met Angie with her freak flying high and I just had to have her.” No, of course not and
Jolie is never going to say, “Remember how I always said I’d never be a homewrecker because of my father’s wandering d*ck? Yeah well scratch that.”
The only evidence we have that they didn’t have a physical affair is their word of honor.
The only evidence we have that they did is that they both say they fell in love on set, he divorced shortly after hooking up with AJ for a movie,and they started public pda’s as soon as the separtion was announced. Now I’m not a rocket scientist but if any woman told me this was the circumstances I’d say “Yeah he was cheating.” Is BP/AJ too noble to have cheated? I don’t think so. That’s just my opinion, of course, but I do back it up by a certain amount of logic.
Remember when Jennifer’s little bubble burst when Angelina said she and Brad fell in love on the set MAMS and the children will be able to watch knowing that was the moment? JA was really really mad. Called it uncool. I call it facing the facts. There might not have been a physical affair at first, but there was definitely an emotional affair happening.
Exactly, there was something going on and idk call it just a hunch but I don’t buy that there was nothing physical going on.
Co-sign with Shay Kay and Jezi. If you apply this to any other situation, everybody would be screaming “cheaters” but JP gets away with it and is defended for it while flaunting their less than honest relationship even before the marriage was dissolved. Why would they “fess up to something huge like cheating when most celebs even lie about their birth date :D. If I had a penny for everytime a celeb spoke the truth, I’d be broker than broke :). The word of a celeb aint worth a dime Brangapologists. Besides, love grows. You don’t just start relationships, things happen before that. You are in a stage first where you flirt and get to know the person so you know whether to have a serious thing with him/her along the road.
I don’t call it cheating if they “got together” after he separated. After separation both parties are free to date other people.
Brad went after Angie, and the ex started seeing Vince Vaughn.
This is hilarious. I’m so sick of the whole thing, but at the same time can’t help reading the fictional accounts the tabloids make up of these peoples lives.
How do you “cheat” on your married lover when you aren’t even physically lovers yet??? Does not compute…
IF this story is true (which I doubt it is– for some reason I don’t see these two going through premarital counseling– they’ve been “married” for all intents and purposes for the last 6-7 years), it really just makes Brad look bad. I mean, he’s going to get mad because the woman he fell in love with while he was married had the audacity to sleep with other men (when they weren’t sleeping together and when he had a wife at home…)?? Thats something that a highschooler would do, not a grown ass man (hopefully).
I could make up more believable stuff! I don’t understand how tabloid writers can be so unimaginative. Let’s try these on for size:
*EXPLOSIVE SPLIT FOR BRAD AND ANGELINA AS BRAD DISCOVERS THAT ANGELINA HAS BEEN CHEATING ON HIM WITH THE NANNIES!!
*FATEFUL ENDING FOR BRAD AND ANGELINA AS BRAD OVERHEARS ANGELINA AND PRESIDENT OBAMA IN PHONE SEX CHAT!!
*SAD ENDING FOR THE BRANGE AS BRAD IS OUTTED BY A LOVER’S QUARREL WITH GEORGE CLOONEY…OVER JONAH HILL!!
If you’re gonna write crap for entertainment, I expect that you should set a higher crap bar!
LOL! Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. 🙂
LOL! Thanks Kara Ann. 🙂
OMG. seriously this is hands downs THE best story of the year. It trumps Pillow baby. It trumps he Johnny/Angie story.
I love it.
Brangie, stay together so I can be entertained at all the f–kery.
If she had the chance to bone Ralph Fiennes and she didn’t I would wonder what is wrong with her.
Co-Sign!! 😀
I still think that her dress looks like a garbage bag.
I stopped reading at Voldemort!
Yawn about the Brange stuff. Can we get some more coverage of Jonny Lee Miller, who is hotter than hot? 🙂
Agreed Lindy!!
Yeah what WERE they smoking! This back of bones would most definately break doing a karate chop.
Nah, the Ralph fiennes rumour started after they had dinner together in NYC. 😉 I know my angelina gossip…
I didnt know the Enquierer was so funny. This story is hilarious!
They have topped themselves this time.
this is amazing. The stories published about these two just crack me up.
Brad is devastated when he finds Angelina in bed with her manager, while at the same time adopting twins without him, planning to raise them with Johnny Depp!
by the way, first time poster long time lurker 😉 love this site, especially the comments!
Hi! Welcome to the wonderful world of “Celebitchy”! This is a fun place to post so stop lurking and keep “talking!”
This is now the only website I post on semi-regularly and I’d really “miss” my “friends” on here. It’s kind of like that song to the old tv show “Cheers” which goes “Sometimes you wanna be where everybody knows you’re name and they’re always glad you came.” It’s nice to have a group of people to chat with about things that don’t really matter and occasionally about things that really do. So what I’m saying is this “I like my Celebitchy family and the more the merrier!”
PS If Horsepoorhanna happens to be lurking than know that your Celebitchy friends miss you and hope your family is pulling together. My heart goes out to you and yours.
thx for the kind welcome!
what is wrong wtih her ass in the second picture?
Nothing. It’s her ass. Which suits Brad fine.
U were expecting two smooth, round cantaloupes?
😀
there are two lumps sticking out of her ass. no matter how saggy a butt gets… it doesn’t look like that.
Ange wears butt pads because she doesn’t have much of a butt. There is a picture of her beside an airplane and she has no butt at all. Her pads slip from time to time.
Keep reading/believing those tabloids, you might miss some more ‘truths’. 🙄
I think this is all a bunch of b*llshit. First of all, Ian Halparin is a joke. Also, the way he constantly attacks Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt is pathetic.
I have to seriously wonder sometimes if celebrities get jealous when media focus is not on them. For instance, the Beyonce fake pregnancy story stole Angie and Brad’s thunder.
“Judo chop to the chin” will be a new line for me if somebody disagrees with me :D.
And uhm, even if this true (hahahaha) then why would Pitt (the married dude) be angry that his single mistress is boning single dudes?! I do believe the JLM and Shimizu hook-ups. Girl wanted to get loose once in a while and better to do it with a trusted friend than a random.
Sidenote: I’m sure Jolie wouldn’t miss that chin, just sayin’.
Sidenote 2: I think the editors of the Enquirer are the same people who post on Female First. Crazies…
Aniston would break out her hair dryer and blow Jolie on her padded ass.
My prediction: Brad marries Angelina, they have 2 more children because 8 is enough and they live happily ever after until they are laid to rest side by side for eternity ….BUT then a mysterious person places flowers on Angie’s side of the grave for the next 20 years, kinda like Joe did with Marilyn! JLM? Ralph? Jenny? A hotel dude? Who? We will always wonder…
bp knows better than anyone how she acts towards her male co-stars.
Angie is too weak and thin to squash a fly. Fake story.
All I have to say is…..if the Enquirer says it….I BELIEVE IT!
I agree that Angie and JLM were a super HOT couple but I love how she and Brad look too. They have massive chemistry.
I love that second picture under that shitty cover.. him biting his lip the way he is checking her out.. HOT.. super HOT.
Brad and Angie have amazing chemistry on and off the camera. That shit to me can’t be faked.
Tabloids need to leave them alone. 7 years going on 8. Haven’t there been enough of these stories to last a lifetime. Every single week some dumb story that is always proven a lie. Yet a certain group of people eat it up week after week.
I think Brad/Angie make a great couple. They seem happy together and with their life. I applaud that for anyone. It’s hard to find someone and to maintain a life. Especially if that life is forever being questioned by people on the outside. But they seem to have something special.
Why can’t people and tabloids liars just leave them alone? Never got why a happy Brad and Angie together bothers some people so much. What kind of problems they must have to get so upset if 2 people out of BILLIONS are happy together.
Co sign
lol, it’s real-life Celebrity Deathmatch!
Well….Brad wanted “excitement.” He sure got it! The Jenny Shimitzu thing is no surprise since Angie’s admittedly bisexual. And she’s known for hooking up with other women’s men. Billy Bob Thorton was with Laura Dern when they got together.If all of the story is true why on earth should Brad be surprised? Grow up golden boy! Are you THAT naive??? The grass isnt always greener on the other side!