When I was very young (like, 13 or 14), I hated my pubescent body. Nowadays I would absolutely LOVE to have that figure again. Anyway, I wore a lot of baggy clothes, trying to do anything I could to mask all of my (mostly imagined) body imperfections. At that time, someone told me this great universal truth: baggy clothes don’t make you look smaller, and baggy clothes don’t mask your body. Baggy clothes only make you look BIGGER. Has anyone told that to Jessica Simpson? Because I really don’t think this glorified peasant-dress/muumuu is doing her body any favors. Yes, we can bitch and moan and analyze Jessica’s lies, but the truth is, I believe she’s a lot smaller than this dress would have us believe. Maybe we’re just supposed to be so hypnotized by her massive cleavage that we’re not supposed to look below the boobs. Now, THAT does work. I figured out that trick in my late teens: if you don’t like the way your ass looks, flash some cleavage and no one will notice anything else.
Additionally, Jessica submitted an accounting of her daily food intake to Us Weekly. Note the lack of hawt dergs.
Dust off the Daisy Dukes! Four months after Jessica Simpson welcomed daughter, Maxwell (with fiance Eric Johnson, 33), the star says: “I’m 10 pounds away from my prebaby size!” She shares the secrets of her success on Weight Watchers with Us Weekly.
7 a.m. Simpson, 32, wakes to feed Maxwell, then eats breakfast: half a Flatout flatbread sandwich with egg whites, peppers and fat-free cheddar (6 PointsPlus).
8 a.m. Simpson straps on her pedometer and hits the streets with Johnson and Maxwell. “I’m trying to do at least 14,000 steps a day,” she says. Afterward: a snack of berries, bananas, melon or grapefruit (0 PointsPlus).
11 a.m. Four days a week, Simpson reports to trainer Harley Pasternak for a 45-minute session. After a cardio warm-up, it’s circuit time: seven sets (up to 30 reps each) of dumbbell triceps extensions, hamstring curls and crunches with a medicine ball throw. “Her waist is going in, and her thighs are growing smaller,” says Pasternak.
12:30 p.m. If it’s Wednesday, she weighs in at home with her mom and pals.
1 p.m. “I make lunch my biggest meal to keep me full through the day,” she says. One favorite: spinach salad with 4 ounces of chicken satay and pear (8 PointsPlus).
2 p.m. Stroller walk with Maxwell, or hoof it at home on the treadmill watching 24. Her reward: a WW berry smoothie (3 PointsPlus).
6:30 p.m. Bathtime and bed for Maxwell, then dinner for Mom! It’s often fish (4 ounces of halibut or tilapia) with roasted eggplant, broccoli or asparagus (6 PointsPlus). And for dessert? Skinny Cow chocolate truffle bars (3 PointsPlus).
10 p.m. Lights out.
I eat less for breakfast than Jessica. Is that bad? I have an Activa yogurt (don’t judge, I f—king love Activa, it tastes so good) and a banana. That’s my breakfast every day. I’ve just never been a breakfast person – like, I can’t sit there in the morning and have pancakes or waffles or anything. My appetite hasn’t really gotten going, so I just go healthy. But… by lunchtime, I’m starving. I’m not going to tell you what else I eat throughout the day, though, because I don’t want you bitches to judge me! Mmm… Fritos.
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.