Dear Clive Owen,
We’ve been on the outs for a while now. No, you didn’t do anything in particular. Maybe that was the problem though? You made some crappy movies that no one wanted to see, and you disappeared from our collective radars. That Hemingway & Gellhorn mess was particularly tragic, but that was mostly because of Nicole Kidman’s Botox-Face. So when Fame/Flynet kept posting new photos of you over the past month on the set of your new film, Words and Pictures, in Vancouver, I kept ignoring them. I’ve been burned by your burning love before! Plus, my biscuit now belongs to Benedict Cumberbatch. And Michael Fassebender. And James McAvoy and Alexander Skarsgard (to a lesser degree). If I wanted to fall for some rugged, black-haired Englishman with piercing eyes, I began turning to my love David Gandy. So Clive, I guess what I’m trying to say is… WE ARE OVER.
OH GOD, don’t cry, Clive. It’s okay. Maybe I’ve been too harsh. Were you the one shunning me this whole time and I thought I was shunning you? Did you want to take a step back and focus on other things and that’s why your career faltered? Were you tired of being the next Richard Burton or whatever? Or maybe the world just doesn’t know what to do with a man like you, Clive. Especially when you’re all beardy and swarthy and… those glasses really suit you. You look like a college professor who knows how to give a good spanking. So, yes… maybe our love will last a little bit longer.
What’s that? You’ll be in Cannes for the premiere of Blood Ties? That’s interesting. Something to look forward to, I suppose, although I’ll be more interested in seeing what Mila Kunis is wearing and if she brings Ashton. Yes, I think Ashton is a d-bag too. It’s awful.
So, I guess I’ll see you around. You will always have a place in my heart (and other body parts). And by the way… keep the scruff. It’s doing something for me.
Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.