Here are some photos of Olivia Wilde sporting her very own pair of Katie Holmes-styled fug booties in NYC last Friday. Her outfit is both flattering and cute, but she needs to lose those booties of obscurity. Olivia’s career trajectory is an odd one — she was one of those “it girls” a few years ago and showed up in all sorts of box-office disasters (and quite recently as well with The Incredible Burt Wonderstone), which obviously were not her fault because she was playing “the girl” in most of them. She’s playing Chris Hemsworth’s wife in Rush soon enough, so maybe that movie will fare better for her.
Olivia also has a starring role in the most oversharing relationship of the year, that of herself and Jason Sudeikis. You know, they talk about their incredible sex life of athletic proportions and then try to take it all back like two douchebags. Interestingly enough though, Olivia (age 29) has a new column in Glamour about what one should do (and not do) when turning 30 years old. Glamour calls her “a hell of a writer,” and I have to admit that they could be correct. Olivia calls 30 the “Cut the Bullsh-t and Go Be Awesome” age, and here are her tips for those who don’t know how to deal:
DON’T freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplished more than you by 30: “Yes, Einstein had discovered the theory of relativity by your age, and Emily Bronte had written Wuthering f—ing Heights, but honestly, what you achieve is far less important than what kind of human being you are. What do you want people to say at your funeral: ‘Olivia may have cured HIV, but she ran over my cat and drove away laughing’? No, thanks! I’d rather be a good person who makes people happy than a d-ck who wins a Nobel by 32.”
DO enjoy your sexual prime: “According to horny Professor Alfred Kinsey’s 1953 page-turner Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, women really start heating up in their thirties, so let’s just say it’s finally your turn to act like an 18-year-old boy-except you’ll be 1,000 times better at…everything.”
DON’T cut your face: “I am so saddened and grossed out by young women who look like creepy, old aliens because of their new Barbie noses and lips. Is that a smile or a grimace? Did you melt hot wax on your face, or is that your skin? A better approach: Take care of yourself now that you’re old enough to know how. Drink water, sleep eight hours (I wish), and don’t go within 400 feet of a tanning booth or I’ll slap you. Hard.”
DO travel: “This is possibly the last time until retirement that you won’t be considered a bad person for booking a last-minute ticket to Morocco with friends just because you damn well feel like it. You’re old enough to know where not to go (Cancun) but young enough to feel guilt-free being entirely unreachable.”
DON’T propose to the next guy you meet just because you worry he’ll be your last chance at lifelong companionship: “Sure, you’ve attended more bridal showers than yoga classes in the past year, but that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be a craggy spinster, searching for roommates on Craigslist at 50. The danger with ‘husband hunting’ is you start to see every date as a job interview; it clouds your ability to get to know someone.”
DON’T feel pressured to pop out kids: “I love kids with a passion I usually reserve for hot cheese, miniature chairs, and Prince concerts, but I feel no stress to reproduce simply because of a fear of withering eggs. Wait for the right partner, and make sure you’re where you want to be in life before picking neighborhoods based on school districts. This is not to suggest you should live irresponsibly for the next 10 years, then expect to get knocked up when your chosen dude finally sneezes inside you. But you’ll never find the right baby-maker or enjoy baby-making if you’re doing it out of anxiety. Relax, be good to your body, and when the time is right, get busy.”
DO learn a new skill: “You’ve already lived longer than most women in the thirteenth century, so why not look at your thirtieth as a rebirth? I started stand-up paddleboarding at 29 and consider it my baby step toward becoming a badass 30-something semipro surf goddess (as long as the sharks go vegan).”
DON’T be bogged down by your past: “Consider your baggage (bad boyfriends, job setbacks, body issues) lost by the airline of life, leaving you empty-handed at your new destination with only one choice: Go shopping.”
Sigh. I have to admit that Olivia’s a pretty good writer in this instance. Although she undoubtedly had some major help in the editing department, the ideas are probably all hers. Turning 30 was kind of tough for me in terms of assessing accomplishments, and I’ll have to deal with 40 in a few years. Just thinking about how Emily Bronte published Wuthering Heights at age 29 has always made me feel like an abject failure, so I’m identifying with Olivia’s thoughts here. But you know, success really is relative, and I don’t think Olivia aspires to be a successful novelist like most writers do. She’s got the acting thing.
By the way, did you catch how Olivia insinuates that she was “bogged down” by being married to Italian Prince Tao Ruspoli? Then she scores herself some points for strategically name-dropping Prince (the artist). It’s difficult not to like someone who likes Prince. Clever girl.
Photos courtesy of WENN