Dina Lohan got a DUI because she’s been a ‘Parent Trapped’, says Mark Heller

As we discussed on Friday, Dina Lohan was arrested late Thursday night for speeding and for driving-while-sh-tfaced. Dina was allegedly/probably driving home to her nearly-foreclosed-upon Long Island Booze Mansion, and because her last name is Lohan, Dina tried to claim that arresting officer harmed her in same way, but later took it back. Basically, this whole incident is Classic Cracked-Out Lohan, and I’m absolutely sure I can just re-use this post in three months when Lindsay does the same thing, and I’ll just have to change the first names.

Hilariously, Dina and Lindsay share the same lawyer, sort of. Lindsay eventually booted that poor bastard Mark Heller, but it looks like Dina is still stuck with him. So Mark Heller released a statement to Entertainment Tonight and OMG.

Dina Lohan’s lawyer is pun-tastic. Lohan, 50, was arrested on Thursday, Sept. 12, for driving while intoxicated on Long Island, and in a new statement, her attorney Mark Heller couldn’t help but reference her famous daughter’s classic movie debut.

“Dina Lohan is a good person. Her life has been dedicated to her four children. She has worked hard her entire life and she has been a ‘Parent Trapped’ with the entire world watching her in a fishbowl with murky water due to no fault of her own,” Heller, told Entertainment Tonight in a statement on Friday.

He continued: “She appreciates the grave seriousness of this matter and is mindful that the Nassau County District Attorney considers these types of cases a top priority. But as an attorney with 45 years of experience, I am confident that as a first time offender, with absolutely no prior record, that the Judicial System will treat Dina Lohan with even-handed fairness.”

The mother of four was arrested on the Northern State Parkway in Oyster Bay around 11 p.m. after going 77 mph in a 55 mph zone. She was issued traffic tickets for speeding, DWI and aggravated DWI when her breath test revealed her blood alcohol concentration was twice the legal limit, at .20%.

Lohan is due back for a hearing in Nassau County First District Court on Sept. 24 at 9 a.m.

[From Us Weekly]

Is this what we get when someone is caught driving three sheets to the wind? I don’t have any respect for drunk drivers, especially drunk drivers who are as old as Dina. But instead of just some apology, we get this completely bullsh-t statement about how Dina was only caught for a DUI because she’s Lindsay Lohan’s mother? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And “She has worked hard her entire life”? Doing what? Don’t say “momager”. What has she been doing that’s been such hard work? I can’t even start with this statement.

As for what poor little Crack Child Lindsay thinks about her mom’s legal issues, Radar had a helpful story:

One person that wasn’t shocked when Dina Lohan was arrested for drunk driving was her own legally challenged daughter, Lindsay, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

“Lindsay wasn’t surprised that her mom got popped for a DUI,” a source close to the 27-year-old actress said. “It was only a matter of time, according to Lindsay.”

Lindsay was released from her court-ordered rehab stint in August and the source said Dina’s own actions have been straining their relationship.

“Since being released from rehab, Lindsay has had limited contact with her mother because Dina can be a bad influence on her daughter’s sobriety,” the source said. “Dina will say she is the last person that has a problem with booze, but she does. Lindsay loves her mom, but she is putting herself first, and her recovery, which is a very good thing.”

[From Radar]

“It was only a matter of time, according to Lindsay.” Ouch. Dina better check for tire tracks because she just got thrown under the bus. ET TU, Cracken?! Well, Lindsay should enjoy this brief moment of satisfaction of not being the biggest Lohan screwup of the week. But I say that Lindsay’s smugness will come to fast and bitter end shortly. Ten bucks says that she’ll try to one-up her mom and she’ll drive down the Long Island Expressway drunk AND waving a loaded gun.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

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95 Responses to “Dina Lohan got a DUI because she’s been a ‘Parent Trapped’, says Mark Heller”

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  1. Gabby says:

    “ET TU, Cracken?” :-D I spit out my tea and laughed like a fool.

  2. Lama says:

    Ha! “Et tu, Cracken?”
    When Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re a bad influence, you have some issues. On the other hand, I hope the Cracken is taking her recovery seriously and does keep her distance for her own sobriety.

  3. Annie says:

    The Lohans really make me appreciate my parents. I’m very lucky.

  4. Ruyana says:

    I am certainly not a lawyer, but Heller struck me as stunningly incompetent. His florid and dramatic statements are groan-inducing. The only sympathy he evokes for his “client” is pity that they have a really bad lawyer.

    • Sonya says:

      You and me, both. I understand that he’s a lawyer, and lawyers are pretty much paid to say outlandish things on behalf of their clients, but he is the champion of RUSRSisms. To the point where he just makes his cases hilarious, and not serious in any sense of the word.

    • Bridget says:

      He really is utterly incompetent. When he became Lindsay’s lawyer it raised a lot of eyebrows because he’d actually had his NY license suspended before (and for a significant period of time) and wasn’t even licensed to practice law in CA, which was where Lindsay’s case was. How would someone like this get that job, you ask? His son is a drug dealer.

      Also, Dina blew a .20 and was speeding more than 20mph over the limit. In NY, not CA. She’s not getting out of thid easily. In fact, I’m shocked she didn’t decline the breathalyzer, but that probably speaks to how selfish she is – she probably figures that because she’s a Lohan she can get out of this.

  5. Tara says:

    I see no reason to lose ten dollars on that bet but I hear Oprah has some extra pocket cash.

  6. Rubydoobiedoo says:

    I am probably the only one one this site, but I actually hope Lindsey stays clean and continues on a good path. Hope she really stays away from her mommaleach.

    • Sonya says:

      I was pretty cynical after she got out or rehab, but she has stayed sober a lot longer than I expected her to (of course, I pretty much expected her to take a hit in the rehab parking lot as she was being picked up).

      I won’t say ‘I’m impressed’ or anything, but she actually does seem to be taking this stint more seriously than the others.

      • Annie says:

        Actually its not the first time she had a reasonable stretch of sobriety. Back in 2008, she shot a movie and was sober for a fairly long stretch. She had a sober coach and they tested her for insurance purposes on the movie, i think it was when she was first with Sam Ronson and everyone thought she had changed and she seemed really happy. I am crossing my fingers for her to make it this time

      • boo says:

        I hope for her sobriety also, unfortunately it takes hard work and the ability to be honest about yourself that makes any program work. So, for her sake, I hope she is ready for that.

    • Lucinda says:

      If she really is distancing herself from her mom (which I hope she is), she might have a chance this time.

    • Claudia says:

      You’re not the only one, Ruby. I say it in every post (for that little bit of positivity in the comments)- but I really hope that she can turn her life around. I hope her recovery sticks and that she becomes more self-aware.

      • Kcaia says:

        No, Ruby, you aren’t the only one. And I personally think it is great for you and everyone else, to stand up and be positive and have empathy for others, even if its not the popular opinion. Its sad how mean-spirited the world is becoming, or at least how openly it is now expressed. I think if we all want the world to be a kind, positive place for our children and grandchildren, then we all have to do whatever we can to make it one.

  7. Lucky says:

    That last picture of Dina is actually kind of nice- I feel like I can see what Lindsay would have looked like if she had stayed clean and healthy for her life- sad sad sad- (I know Dina isn’t clean and healthy but it is a good pic, and I see Lindsay circa 2000 in it a lot) :(

  8. TG says:

    Too bad they didn’t just close the road to other cars and let Dina end this story. Dina has four kids? Where are the other 2? I only know of LiLo and her sister. Are there more of them?

  9. eliza says:

    This is just the first time the drunken fool has been caught but it is certainly not the first time she has driven drunk. You can bet $ on that.

    • Hakura says:

      @Eliza – Heh, it makes me wonder, if sometime back when they HAD money (when Lindsay was new/popular/young enough that Dina still had control of the checkbook), Dina managed to find someone in the ‘criminal records’ department somewhere, & pay them off to make her past ‘Indescretions’ disappear. It’s a long shot, I know, but at one time, she had quite a bit of moola at her disposal…

  10. KellyinSeattle says:

    It’s been nice that Linds has been out of the news for awhile; now if we could only do the same for Miley. I do hope she is doing well; as for her mom, something about her always reminds me of Tanning Mom.

  11. aims says:

    continuing the family legacy. The whole family needs rehab. I also have zero sympathy for drunk driving.

  12. KellyinSeattle says:

    p.s. Dina really can’t afford a better bra?

  13. paranormalgirl says:

    The NSP doesn’t go anywhere near Oyster Bay… nothing does. Probably near the Hicksville exit, though, which is the same exit before the long ride down 106.

  14. Jacqueline says:

    Lindsay knew it was only a matter of time. Translation: this is just the first time she’s been caught – does it all of the time – I’d consider her a repeat offender with no police record.
    She would be the first to say she doesn’t have a problem.
    Translation: blah, addict-talk, blah blah
    She’s lived “Parent Trapped.”
    Translation: her daughter, who she reared into a drug-addict, call-girl and general danger to society is why she has problems. That’s rich. I was honestly waiting for him to say that it was “profiling” – cause honestly, whenever you get a Lohan, they’re obviously up to SOMEthing.

    No comments from the Michael Lohan peanut gallery??

    • swack says:

      He was on ROL yesterday ranting on how Heller should not be her lawyer. Called Heller a couple names – don’t remember.

    • Relli says:

      I took the parent trapped comment as slam to Lilo for not teaching here mom the secret handshake routine she needed to know in order to get off with the DA.

      • StormsMama says:

        Honestly the parent trapped thing speaks volumes
        Obv Diba has always thought she deserved some credit and accolades and even stardom
        She *made* LILO after all
        Anyway I guarantee the lawyer read the statement to her and she insisted on that line bc she – has no shame but beyond that- WANTS to remind people of LILO and the golden days and she WANTS special treatment. She thinks she deserves it. She has NO SHAME. She literally used the last respectable dollar (so to speak) with the parent trap reference. Wow Dina way to soil the last clean movie LILO has.
        Shameless drunk horror show :-(

  15. Aussie girl says:

    Lindsay driving drunk, waving a gun around!!! GOLD!!!!!!

  16. Raven21 says:

    Yes because cops only pulled her over because she Cracken mother and as we all know the law is after the Lohan’s. Of course it couldn’t be because she was drunk driving.

  17. Zorbitor says:

    They’re gonna lower the BAC to .05. You can bet $ on it

  18. Nicolette says:

    What a bright and shining example she has set for her daughter who is fresh out of rehab.

  19. janie says:

    I’m shocked it’s the first time? Wonder if she hopes Oprah will rescue her as well? She could do a “Parent Trap” intervention? How does she still have a home? Who supplies this stuff? I thought she was driving a Mercedes? WTF?

  20. Mitch Buchanan Rocks! says:

    If she styled her hair differently DL could almost pass for Leanne Rimes – perhaps she could sub in on the next cancelled concert.

  21. bettyrose says:

    This story isn’t surprising, funny, or interesting. It lacks all the elements of good gossip. Maaaan the Lohans aren’t even unintentionally entertaining any more.

  22. Dragonlady Sakura says:

    I’m so sick of this family. My brother, who rides a motorcycle, was struck by a drunk driver a few years ago and broke both his legs. He’s blessed to be alive and walking, so I have zero sympathy for drunk drivers! The entire Lohan clan needs substance abuse counseling.

  23. Stef Leppard says:

    If she were “Parent Trapped,” wouldn’t that mean she was back together with Michael Lohan? That comment doesn’t even make sense!

  24. Bridget says:

    The only part I find surprising is that this is the first tine that Lindsay has actually tried to put some distance between herself and her mother, who can probably be considered to be her chief enabler. Who knows if this is going to be a long-term thing: while Lindsay has demonstrated a stunning lack of awareness in the past, this is it – her very last chance. She’s burned just about every bridge in Hollywood, and if she wants to ever even have the opportunity to try to act again she can’t blow this.

  25. Shelly says:

    “Worked hard her entire life” my ass! Riding on Lindsay’s coattail doesn’t count as work. Spending Lindsay’s money doesn’t count as work. And her being in a fishbowl due to Lindsay’s epic downfall and problems is at least 80% her own fault, as she provided nothing in the way of proper parenting to her. What a delusional woman.

  26. Liz says:

    Dina is a very “co-dependent” individual. Until she gets clean and sober, stops living in TOTAL denial, this crap will continue to happen. I not sure whether Lindsay will be able to stay clean until the entire family admits all the wrongs, deals with them, and puts them to bed.

    • Hakura says:

      @Liz – You’re right on target about Dina’s ‘codependency’. I’m pretty sure it goes way further psychologically deeper than that, tho. Dina tried to obtain an entertainment career when she was younger, but failed.

      Then she took the opportunity to push her child into show-biz. Dina is living through Lindsay (as MOST stage-mothers/momagers do), to the point that I’d say she wants to BE Lindsay. SHE wanted that success & attention, status & notoriety. She’s used her from day one, to live her fantasy life through her daughter’s, no matter *how* destructive it’s been to Lindsay & the rest of the family. The woman has MAJOR issues.

  27. GeeMoney says:

    I can sum Dina Lohan up in one word: LOSER.

  28. Neelyo says:

    The lawyer continued: ‘Dina was not as reported, FULLY LOADED, it was JUST HER LUCK to be a famous celebrity, targeted by jealousy.’

  29. WendyNerd says:

    Did she compliment the cop on his shoes? Maybe if she had, she wouldn’t have gotten arrested.

  30. hillbillyinthecorner says:

    I know this sounds weird but How much hair does she actually have ? cause if you look closely at those pictures you can tell were the extensions are and how many and Boy ! there are a lot…I bet her hair is as thin as Lindsay’s real hair….and Lindsay is practically bald without her extensions…..I know its catty but this story is nothing new ..She’s been a drunk all her life….and has driven drunk most of her life when she wasn’t with a driver….and I would bet you that if you dug down you would find she’s been stopped before only it’s gotten conveniently buried and covered…After all she has friends in the right places in N J and NY……..As for Lindsay saying “its about time” …Your turn is coming again…Unless you have have turned into a vampire and can’t stand sunlight or any light there is No reason for those Huge Sunglasses all the time unless you are hiding something like the fact you are using again….and a DUI the I is for Influence not alcohol….

  31. DEB says:

    My first thought: Is he kidding? LOL. Dina Lohan is a good person? BBAHHHHAAAH!!!!!!

  32. jilly says:

    I’m sure it’s not the first time Dina has driven drunk. It’s the first time the police took it all the way.

  33. Jennifer12 says:

    I really wish this family would go back under whatever rock they managed to pry up.

  34. IceQueen says:

    The only people who would hire that guy are the Lohans. He’s one lucky lawyer. He’ll always have a paycheck.

  35. fluffyrabbit says:

    What in the denial hell is that statement? Where is the “my client accepts full responsibility and is going to address her alcohol issues to ensure this never happens again”. Oh wait – it’s a LOHAN. My bad.

  36. judyjudy says:


    I loathe these people.

  37. bettyrose says:

    I’m just putting some pieces together here: when LL was growing up, her father was in prison, her mother was a high functioning alcoholic, and she was economically responsible for three younger siblings. Is that all correct? Wow, I mean, I’m not saying this excuses Linday’s behavior/breakdown, but it certainly explains it.

  38. Christin says:

    This family lacks a sense of personal responsibility. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree. It’s just a matter of time for the next episode of self-inflicted drama.

  39. Norman says:

    “Dina has been Patent Trapped” says Dina’s Lawyer who is shared with Lindsay: See how hard Dina has been riding Lindsay’s ass for all these years and had lead her to the state that Lindsay has been and may still be. I think Lindsay’s attempt at sobriety has has drawn Dina to a particularly bad place, because Dina can’t get over her alcoholism and Lindsay is trying to make an attempt. I think Dina wants the old Lindsay back of a few years ago so at least Dina is not the only one with these kinds of problems. Dina is lonely now since her daughter is trying to make an attempt of sobriety. Thats what I think.

  40. chalkdustgirl says:

    Lookin’ good, Dina!

  41. Cirque28 says:

    LOL at Mark Heller. Hon, the fishbowl is full of Long Island Iced Teas, that’s why the ‘water’ looks murky.

  42. shoeaddict says:

    Borderlines raising a borderline. It’s that simple…. Crackie’s horrific childhood at the hands of her crazy parents CAN NOT BE UNDONE. So she needs to save herself NOW by getting the proper psychotherapy for her BPD. Her life will continue to spiral out of control if she doesn’t. THIS ISN’T JUST AN ADDICTION TO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. That’s why her past attempts of drug rehab have not worked. She will have to work hard-something she has never done to overcome her BPD. And since her horrific parents have never sought treatment for their own BPD, if will be difficult maintaining a relationship with them while she recovers. While I wish her well, I am skeptical that she’s only “behaving” for ORCAH’s check and a chance at a comeback. Only time will tell.

  43. fabgrrl says:

    “Parent Trapped”? Oh, I get it. It was Dina’s secret identical twin sister, that she just met, who took Dina’s place for sh!ts and giggles. That’s the only halfway sensible thing I can make from the lawyer’s statement.

  44. AmyLynne says:

    Jesus on toast get them out of here. Can’t we send them out to sea??

  45. Masque says:

    Dina Lohan is a good person. Her life has been dedicated to (pimping out and living off of) her four children.