The Ray Rice case has shed an enormous spotlight on the issue of domestic violence. Women are still adding their experiences to the #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft Twitter tags. Every few minutes, a sobering new entry pops up. Many aspects of DV are misunderstood by those who’ve been fortunate enough to have never experienced it. Empathy is key.
One thing that I’ve noticed is that victims often go to great lengths to cover up an abusive relationship. Abusers are very good at emotional manipulation. They will accelerate a situation slowly so that victims become acclimated to abuse. Things can seem normal, but there’s still an undercurrent of shame. The woman or man next to you right now could be in an abusive relationship, and you’d never know it. Maybe the news anchor on your favorite morning television show … yes, that’s right. Merideth set aside an episode of her talk show to reveal her own experience:
The insidious nature of DV: “I was in an abusive relationship many, many years ago as a young woman. I want to explain to you why I stayed. It started out, I loved this guy. It started out, we’d have a fight and he’d just sort of grab my arm. I didn’t think a lot about it, and then it turned into pushing me into a wall and then it went beyond that, to (his) actually taking his hand and grabbing my face and saying, ‘I could ruin your career if I wanted to and no one would watch you.'”
Why did she stay? “I’m a smart woman … (and heard) a lot of people say, ‘Well, who would stay in that situation?’ Somebody who doesn’t have the wherewithal to get out, the means to get out. (But) I had that. I had a job at the time, and I kept in this relationship. I’ve done a lot of thinking about why, and I think part of it was fear. I was scared of him. I was scared if I tried to leave something worse could happen to me. Part of it was guilt, because every time we would have a fight he would then start crying and say, ‘I promise I won’t do it again,’ and I would feel like maybe I contributed somehow to this — and they are saying this about Ray Rice’s wife, that it takes two to tango.”
An example of the horror: “There was the night, we shared an apartment, and he threw me into a shower, naked with scalding water, and then he threw me outside into the hallway. We lived in an apartment building, and I hid in the stairwell for two hours until he came again, crying, ‘I promise I won’t do this again.'”
Escaping DV is complicated: “I continued to stay in that relationship until I was offered a job in another state and that’s where I felt I had the ability to get away. … It’s not so easy to just get away. You think it would be, but it’s not. Having said that, if my daughter Lily, who is now 21, was in an abusive relationship, even if she thought she loved this man, I would say, ‘Go. Just go.’ We didn’t have shelters when this was happening to me. There was no hotline. I would say call the hotline. … If you are going through this, get yourself to a shelter, by all means tell somebody what’s going on, let somebody know. That’s just my experience with it, and I know it’s rampant in this country, and we all have to accept the fact that it’s not just an issue with the NFL – it’s an issue with all of our lives, and until we take it seriously, more and more women are going to get abused.
[From The Merideth Vieira Show]
Merideth’s experience likely happened in the 1980s, before she married husband Richard M. Cohen in 1986. I’m glad Merideth decided to talk about why she stayed in that abusive relationship and why she left. She’s an excellent example of how hard it is to leave even when one has resources. Abusers weave a tight web, and it’s never as easy to leave as an outsider would suspect. No judgment.
Here’s a video clip of Merideth’s monologue about her DV experience.
Photos courtesy of WENN
I’m glad she spoke out. I’ve found so many lacking an understanding of abusive relationships; using the wife’s staying as admittance of culpability in the abuse. It’s sad and greatly misunderstood. If he will beat you in a public elevator, what will he do if you try to leave him?
Totally, there were some comments that I read on some site that had the Ray Rice story and they were downright disgusting. Young guys saying crap like “she has free will to leave if she wants so stop whining” and then people defending these types of statements over and over again. It literally made me sick to my stomach, the lack of empathy and zero understanding of how complicated these relationships are.
people’s inability to empathize IS truly mind-blowing and heartbreaking sometimes. it makes me much more sick than people’s ignorance (which could possibly be changed by educating someone on a given topic).
Agree that the people without empathy is hard for me to stomach but what I find almost MORE shocking is some of my male friends who willingly concede that what Ray Rice did was very, very wrong, still don’t understand why Janay would stay.
They just have no understanding of domestic violence and how women can end up trapped in a continuous the cycle of abuse.
That’s why I’m so grateful to people like Meredith Viera and the #whyistayed twitter hashtag that has so many women sharing their stories. At least we’re shedding some light on how even the smartest, most privileged women can find themselves in an abusive relationship.
“what I find almost MORE shocking is some of my male friends who willingly concede that what Ray Rice did was very, very wrong, still don’t understand why Janay would stay.”
I am in the same boat. My boyfriend and I have been getting in semi-arguments about this. I have been trying to communicate some of the harsh truths about what some women experience in the world, and it is like he just. doesn’t. get. it. He is very much a “feminist”, believes in equality, etc., but some things just aren’t making sense to him. He doesn’t get that I know dozens of women who have been raped or abused, and says it is anecdotal evidence and the number of women I know isn’t reflective of women in general. I think it IS though, because women don’t talk about this with men, or even with women they don’t know well. I feel like if he knew as many women as I do on an emotionally intimate level, he would realize how widespread these problems are. He doesn’t understand the amount of “defense” a woman has to play on a regular basis, especially when they are young.
I think some guys have a “stranger danger” impression of abusers and rapists. They think they would know them if they see them, because they would look “dangerous”. It just isn’t true.
Yes exactly! I’m speaking about my intelligent, FEMINIST male friends! I think there’s this perception that every woman who ends up in an abusive relationship is just “weak” or “unintelligent” or “insecure” when that isn’t always the case. I think some of my male friends are like “she needs to have more self-respect and get away from that psycho” but it’s not that simple.
” I think it IS though, because women don’t talk about this with men, or even with women they don’t know well. ”
Yes. This is why we need to be extremely supportive and encouraging of women who are brave enough to talk about it.
I totally agree with you! I think women sharing their stories will help tear down those misunderstandings that so many people have.
It takes repeating the same message over and over before some guys understand it and to be fair, it’s hard to understand something you will never experience. Most men will never experience anything like the fear of being hit by someone much bigger and stronger than you when you are an adult and not a child. It’s hard to comprehend. They don’t experience life the same way women do. So you just keep repeating it and gradually it starts to make sense to them. I’ve been working on my husband for a long time (and he’s a very sensitive guy). It helps that a good friend of ours has outrageously sexist views and when he says stuff that confirms what I’ve been telling my husband, my husband starts to see just how common and hurtful these attitudes are.
Agreed. I also feel the same way about when somebody is cheating and the spouse is staying even though they know. In those cases there can be emotional abuse, consern about children and financial blackmailing. But many still say that those people deserve to be cheated.
I’m glad she is speaking out about why she stayed; maybe one day we can put to rest the belief that victims are to blame for the choices of their abusers.
I wish people extended this level of compassion to Rihanna when she went back to Chris Brown.
My thoughts exactly. Black women don’t get that courtesy, though.
Yeah, I read an interesting article that discusses how white DV is discussed vs. black DV. The argument is that the black DV cases are vilified more and dragged through the media, while white perpetrators of DV are given more leniency. Even though I think Ray Rice needs to pay for what he did, stripping him of his livelihood forever seems beyond harsh, especially when white perpetrators of DV are able to have their successful careers.
I agree that there is an enormous aspect of racial inequality in all this, but I would flip your argument around: it’s not that black men should receive the same leniency as white men — white men should be vilified and punished as severely as black men are. And black women should be given the same protections as white women, which are woefully inadequate for both.
Totally agreed. You get more statements from people wondering or asking or even saying that she ASKED for it if the victim is black. I’m just shocked that this has gotten as much play as it has in the media. Usually nothing happens unless the victim is white. Good that they’re doing something, shame that they don’t do it for all. I mean, the supreme rapist is still playing on his team.
I was in an abusive relationship with a man I was madly I love with the entire time and still have a hard time resisting the temptation of being with him. I think that is the problem most women feel confused about and don’t like to admit because then she sounds like a masochist or that she is shallow for liking someone purely based on how great her abuser is in bed. People have said to me. When you see a picture of him , cover his face because that’s not real. Think of what’s inside . Ok that works for a second. Them there is his beautiful face with that adorable grin and he’s coming across the room hugging me and ravishing me towards the bedroom. Then later getsmean and scary . You run away. Hate him again. Miss him terribly again. Can’t bear the thought of him being sexy with someone new, and cycle keeps repeating. Ugh!
Thank you, Meredith.
I really appreciate her telling her story. I think this really highlights some of the biggest issues of DV, and how well-equipped and accomplished people can succumb to it. Regardless of if you have a job, a car, etc. DV goes beyond that. It’s easy for anyone who isn’t emotionally invested in a relationship to say “well, just leave!”
It’s not that easy.
It’s incredibly difficult to leave. I only left my abusive ex because he went to prison (he got into a fight with someone and killed him). I know its been said before, but please don’t judge these women it”s the last thing they need. Just be a support system and let them know that you’re there for them because trust me, the abuser is telling them everyday that no one cares about them.
Whoa, that’s intense. Glad you made it out!
I am so glad to hear you are no longer in that situation.
Wow, her story is all too familiar for a lot of women.
Anybody who studies victimology knows that these aren’t idle threats these men make when they say if you leave I will kill you. Many of them are very serious and staying can be a matter of life or death.
I agree with you, Joy. I grew up in a house where my father made threats against me and my little brother and sister on a regular basis, and he absolutely had the means to carry them out. No one in town believed us, even when Child Services made their mandatory house-call. My father appeared in court just last month on related charges — he came ready with dozens of character witness statements from people who genuinely believe he walks on water. I stayed far longer than I should have, because I was afraid of what he would do to my baby sister, who would have had no protection once I left, because my brother and I would have gone at the same time. We were ostracized; we had nothing. Staying was literally a matter of life or death.
This Rice situation is actually doing a lot of good, surprisingly, considering how terrible of a situation it is for his wife:(. I got into an argument with a manager, mind you, at work about this whole situation. You guys would not believe what he said to me and how he talked about the situation! And the sad thing is, his thought process is most likely how a majority of the ‘men’ that watch NFL think. He said it happens every 5 seconds and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it so why care? I got so upset I verbally vomited all the physical and sexual abuse I’ve received early on in my life. His disdain for empathy and ability to overlook that and try to make it about race and money depressed me and I will not have a conversation with this man unless it is work related. How can men think all this abuse is ok????!!!
This may not be a popular comment on here but I don’t feel that telling your story of being in an abusive relationship is in any way productive or beneficial. It’s apart of your life and it’s good to be able to talk about it in healthy ways but to me it seems to repeat a narration of victimhood and that is not a mindset I want to get into.
I’ve been out of an abusive relationship for 5 years and I’m a damned psychologist and therapist who listens to people’s stories everyday and I won’t tell my own story because to me that’s letting your abuser win. These abusive people don’t think like the rest of us and there are studies that show that they pride themselves on the damage they cause others and you know what f*** them. Everyone who has ever been abused should do themselves a favour and just be happy. Live a good, honest, happy life that is free of abuse. Get help, do things you enjoy and find a way to move past the trauma. Telling the story only keeps you in the narrative of being a perpetual victim.
For those that stay, the best we can do is offer them is a new way of life if they want it and make sure that they know that they can be free of abuse and that they don’t deserve to be abused. Telling our stories isn’t going to help. Helping them feel better about themselves will.
Are you really a psychologist, or do you just play one on TV? Honest question.
I’m a Ph.D candidate specializing in sexual behaviour as it relates to intimacy after a traumatic event. I’m talking here more from personal experience more than my own research. I have my own personal opinions that goes against what most of the “experts” have said. I don’t believe a trauma victim telling their story is beneficial in any way but most of the experts disagree with me. The only reason I even mentioned what I do was because I hear people tell me stories everyday and I refuse to repeat my own to anyone because I strongly believe that is letting your abuser win.
LOL mimif.
I guess it’s just a difference of opinion. I’ve never experienced physical abuse, but I can understand how cathartic it must be for someone who’s gone through that to be able to share their story-to make someone else feel less alone, less like a freak, to find comfort in sharing that traumatic experience, and to be able to look back and think “I got out of that” would be quite empowering, I would imagine.
@OG Kitten I think sharing it in a safe environment with a specialist who has experience dealing with trauma is good. But I am not sure all the sharing that has gone on since the Ray Rice incident last week is a good thing or a good idea. It’s good to realize domestic violence exists and that it is wrong and horrible but I think the oversharing without bringing a professional psychologist into the media who can help them guide these issues and help control the conversation is what bothers me. Everyone here who is been through these types of situations knows that these stories can be triggering. I honestly didn’t read Merideth’s story and I have been avoiding my television and sites like this for over a week now because I know these stories can be triggering for me and I don’t trust the media enough to bring in an expert to make it more palpable and sensitive for those who have been in these situations.
This is not to say that sharing your story with others can’t be empowering. I think in the right environment with a trained professional playing referee and giving you advice on how to cope it can be a super empowering experience. But my main thing is think about your forum. Sure Celebitchy has commenters who are pretty supportive but who’s here to play referree (I would offer but I comment on here as a way to take breaks from writing and doing research)? Who’s here to make sure you do so in a healthy way? That’s my point.
Well you certainly have a lot more background and understanding about this kind of thing than I do so….
I guess I’m just thankful for women coming forward and being vocal, since what motivates the abused to stay with an abuser is still so mysterious to so many. Interesting perspective nevertheless. Maybe these people ARE seeking therapy and this is part of the process for them?
Then you should know, as a therapist, that for some people, talking about it takes the power away from the abuser. That the more they talk about it, the less power it holds over them. Bottling it up is not good for your mental health, hence the need for therapists.
I’m not talking about bottling it up. I think getting it out in an appropriate safe space is good (like with a therapist) but it’s more important to move forward instead of looking back and repeating this narrative over and over again to myself or others.
If I may respectfully disagree to a point… I found, personally, that telling my story to a trusted friend helped, because I was never allowed to speak of it until I moved away recently, and saying that it happened allowed me to acknowledge that it was real and let myself move forward. It allowed me to empty out the survivor’s guilt, fear, sorrow, and rage, and let in as much positive as I could. And I did have to speak of it once I went into therapy, but the catharsis also led into talking about rebuilding, because I was so eager to go make a new life. I see your point, that constantly dwelling does no good, but I also feel that saying something truly helped me, and the handful of times I found out someone I knew had a similar experience, it made me feel less alone, but also strengthened my determination to continue living my new life.
(Edit: I didn’t have a chance to read your additional comments before I posted; I do agree with you that dwelling hinders moving forward.)
I agree with both of you in a way. Everyone handles difficulty and trauma in different ways, so I think that saying “Everyone should deal in ____ way” just doesn’t work. Some people find it better to gradually work thru it and re-tell their story as a way to take ownership over their situation instead of remaining the victim. Some people find that in sharing their story it’s a way for them to help others which can be very cathartic. Some people find that privately saying, “It happened, I’m not broken, and now it’s done” and leaving it behind is their way of coping. As long as one finds THEIR right way that is the important part.
I grew up the youngest of 6 with an abusive father, and many of us have found a different way to deal. My sister has moved from man to man to mam trying to find Prince Charming while using our father an excuse when her life gets hard. I have a brother who has spent most of his adult life in prison for drugs. I kept it secret for years, and finally in adult life after years of thinking everything in the world was always my fault, including a sexual assult (and never telling a soul about any of it) I was able to tell myself that it wasn’t ME that was the problem and I would never let abuse define me. Sometimes it comes back up and I regress, but I have found that having a little locked box that I put all the sh*t in is my best way to move on.
I’ve not been in that situation, so I will never be able to fully understand, but…my feeling is that for too long this sort of thing has been kept quiet, dismissed as private, and made the victims feel shamed and embarrassed. I can fully understand not wanting to share your story – I think people need to do what works for them personally. And I full agree that dwelling to the point of not moving on can be harmful.
But I feel like when those who are able and willing to share their story do so, it maybe gives hope and inspiration to others facing a similar situation, and maybe helps them to see they aren’t as alone and isolated as they feel. As horrible as this whole Rice situation has been, it really has shed light on a very dark thing.
I’d imagine someone like Meredith, who is seen as smart and successful, feels she can make a difference with the platform she has, and to her that might outweigh any power or pride her abuser might feel about it.
Congrats for surviving and making it out of an abusive relationship. Your way of coping is valid, but I do think that it’s up to each survivor to decide how he or she wants to deal with when and how to talk about their experience.
Also, Vieira might not be doing it for her own personal mental health (it could even be somewhat taxing for her emotionally), but she might want to give visibility and strength to other people who are being abused or survivors. And it’s actually helpful to people who want to otherize and marginalize the Ray Rice situation to point out, through a prominent example, that all kinds of people can and do get abused and find it hard to leave, including well-off white ladies.
As a psychiatrist, I believe it can be very beneficial for people to talk about their pasts, especially if abuse if part of it. When you know you’re not alone and you hear what happened to others, it can help you move on. We are the sum of our experiences. We learn and grow and change from them. Discussing a part of the past doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is “dwelling” on it. People who dwell on things do not move forward until they are able to realize that they are no longer a victim but are a survivor. But discussing the past from the non-victim standpoint of a survivor is incredibly helpful to others, as well as cathartic for themselves.
As far as the idea that discussing the abuse gives power to the abuser… nothing takes AWAY an abuser’s power more than the realization that what he/she did is not a “dirty little secret” anymore.
I will agree that making the abuse central in your life is not healthy. There needs to come a time when you can simply say : “yeah, this happened to me, I survived, and I’ve moved on to a much better place” or when you can pull out the past and use it to help someone else. I also do find that as clinical professionals, it’s probably better that we not share our stories with our patients because it’s not in the best interests of our patients to have us commiserate with them rather than help them work through it.
My main post was sort of badly worded in some areas as I got a little too passionate. These forums are not good substitutes for a support group, there’s no group leader, there’s no skills teaching and that was what I wanted to get at not the idea of keeping it a dirty little secret. I haven’t heard talk about the need for therapists in helping overcome domestic violence trauma which I would hope would be emphasized, as I have been avoiding my tv for a bit, maybe I missed out on this happening. I just think the more appropriate venue to discuss this is in a therapeutic environment and the media avoiding highlighting the need for coping skills and going for the sensational aspect of reporting the blood and guts of being abused.
I think these stories are helpful because they are heard by many more people than just the abuser. Not telling your story because the abuser might get satisfaction from hearing it IS letting your abuser win, IMO.
I think these stories do two things:
1. Show women currently in abusive relationships how to survive it.
2. Shows men and women who have little empathy for women who stay in abusive relationships the reality behind that decision. When it comes to public policy, having an empathetic general public will get laws passed that are more appropriate for the situation.
Hi Tiffany, I see your point but my question would be then is this the forum to do it in? But I just don’t see the value in it for me. It’s not that I keep it a secret or anything but I just don’t feel that me recounting the countless times I was beaten and r**ed by my abuser helps.
You and I have a serious difference of opinion though because I think the public forum and conversation we are having only gains to keep women in a perpetual state of victimhood which allows lawmakers to not take serious action because if they take any action, even half-hearted action (as it likely would be) then the media will hail it as a success and bury these stories. If this were a serious conversation, I might be more willing to share my story because in the end I did win. I have a happy life now. But I think while everyone means well, I seriously believe that it has the opposite effect that you describe.
Arya, please know my thoughts were about women in general, not your specific case. I think if a woman doesn’t feel comfortable revealing details about her situation, then she should absolutely not share that information. No one should feel forced to disclose.
My opinion was more that if a woman wanted to share, I can see the good that can come of it and I think she shouldn’t feel shamed for sharing her story. I disagree that these stories keep women in general in a constant state of victimhood, because many people STILL do not see women who stay in abusive relationships as victims at all. That is the point of the #whyistayed, because our society sees it as a choice and not a method for survival.
I appreciate your sharing your views, it is very important that we consider all nuances to this very important issue.
Arya, this sounds like a very unhealthy attitude for a practicing clinician to have.
You have admitted your personal anecdata runs counter to popular research and opinion.
Which is formulated by people who focus on this particular issue. Why would you feel that your personal story is applicable to everyone else? More applicable than actual research?
You are entitled to your opinion but prefacing it with ‘I’m a professional’ lends credence to it. Please stop and please consider your motives.
Detritus, please forgive me, I worded my original post badly as I was getting passionate. I 100% believe people should talk about their experiences…in a professional environment. I don’t believe this is a good environment for people to do so at present and I don’t trust the media to direct the conversation in a healthy manner and that was the point I was trying to make and failed in doing so.
I’m glad you got out of this situation, and I completely respect that you choose not to speak about your situation outside of environments that you feel are safe for you. I respectfully disagree, though, that victims telling their stories is unproductive. While it may serve as a trigger for some (myself included), it is also empowering a different narrative around the discussion of abuse and victimization.
For many people who are abused, they often feel isolated and alone; by sharing these stories, it goes to show that they are not alone and that there are many, many other people in similar situations. It also lends strength and numbers to an extremely marginalized group of people in our society who are often blamed or shown little empathy for their situations. I think anything that changes this narrative will help, especially if it results in victims realizing that they aren’t alone, do have options, and can find support. I think it also gives some strength to take their stories back and make them about their survival and success, rather than their abusers’ control and power.
Just my $.02. Everyone deals with trauma differently, and every approach that helps deal with it positively is valid.
Hi Sharharzi and Thanks 🙂
If we lived in a world where the media and government didn’t exploit every issue at every chance we would get I would agree with you. But I think there are those that get this issue all wrong and send the wrong message to victims in the wrong way. That’s what I don’t like.
@Arya — I just wanted to come back after reading your additional comments, and say that I better understand your point, and that I hope I didn’t offend with my own or act as any kind of trigger. I’m very glad you were able to get out of your situation, and I respect your decision not to share your experience. I can only rarely bring myself to do it, and only in situations where I know myself to be safe. I hope the rest of your day goes well. 🙂
@Shahrizai — I agree; you said it far better than I.
I have a friend, 10 years of marriage. She is abused in all the possible ways. The husband is violent verbally and physically. She is a strong young woman that does all the heavy work at home but in his hands she is just a victim. Now after all this time she has decided to divorce him after he beat her for the 1275384938509485 time. You know what did he said to her? “Why now? I have been beating you for years, why are you leaving me now?” He was really surprised and he is accusing her of having someone else. Anyway I, and everybody else around her know the details because she would tell EVERYTHING to anybody who listens for more then 3 minutes. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t allow anybody to ask him or comment in front of him about his life. Guess what? Everybody is saying that he is a decent guy and she is the one making things up, probably, that she is at fault and maybe he has the right to do things to her as she is insufferable. After all this time we advised her not to tell everything to everybody because 80% and the rest just don’t get her and give her stupid advices like : “At least you have a husband and probably the next one will be worse then this so better stick with the one you know” or “People will call you a whore if you leave him because you will be a divorce” oooor “He is so handsome and tall. it is a pleasure to make other woman jealous because they can’t have one like him” (yes yes people say things like these overlooking of the terrible aspect of her life; being raped every other day and beaten by a drunk person who call her a whore in front of her kid). She responded I DON’T CARE ANYMORE, I AM TIRED.
So this made me agree partially with the not talking to much outside a controlled environment. At this point she doesn’t need to talk to random people while drinking coffee. She needs someone who can make her understand and guide her outside this tunnel.
wow. what a chilling story — it’s really intense to hear what some people go through, and i really hope she finds her way.
It seems over the past few days, we are only listening to people to saying how difficult it is, how it is not easy, the various societal/mental/psychological/financial/familial reasons for not getting out of an abusive relationship/situation. While I agree to everything they are saying, but I believe they are constantly giving out /reiterating the wrong message. The more you say it’s not easy, the more you enable them to stay that way, make excuses for not standing up for themselves, for not being stronger when the situation calls for it, for their lack of action to be OKAY.
When in truth it’s NOT OKAY. We should be telling them it’s not okay to take abuse and to stand up and ask for help. To empathize is one thing, but the lady in question and many others simply seem to be making excuses for themselves and others in the same situation. That’s not even remotely empowering the victim, it’s the exact opposite. It’s enabling continued victimization.
It’s high time we stop making excuses and saying it’s okay. That I believe is a wrong message. Sorry this might not be popular opinion here.
I hear you on thinking it’s the wrong message but I see it as an honest message. If only it were as simple as saying “it’s not okay.” Of course it’s not ok, but when someone fears for their life if they dare try to leave, it’s just not that simple. I don’t think people are making excuses, just sharing how complicated DV can be.
By presenting the narrative “you’re and idiot who deserves what you’re getting” you’re using the abusers language and letting victims know it’s not safe for them outside their abusive situation either.
No, you seem to be getting me wrong. I am not against empathy for the victim or victim speaking for themselves. What I am saying is that the message should be, ‘you cannot control other people’s actions, but you control your reaction and action’. So abuse victims should be encouraged to take control, make better choices and get help, rather than being told by everyone that it’s ‘not easy to leave abusive situations, so it’s okay if you can’t do it too’.
In Meredith’ story, all I see if instances of abuse. There is no instance where she stood up to it or left out of her own will. Thankfully circumstances were beneficial to her and she got a job in some other city. Same is the case of Ray Rice wife. That, I am afraid is a story of failure, not one of hope, inspiration, the good/correct message. There is nothing to learn or take home from these instances. It may be cathartic to the victim to speak out, but that’s it. We need to stop the premium on the inaction and excuses for not getting help. It’s not helping anyone’s case.
I’m not getting you wrong, you’re getting empathy wrong. No, DV victims really don’t have control in the situation. That’s how DV works. “Taking control” can get you killed. Once when I tried to “take control” and stand up to my abuser he strangled me until I passed out. When I “took control” and left he stalked and terrorized me for months before he was finally arrested for assaulting someone else. I now have about 10 years and 1000 miles between me and my abuser, and I still find it’s still a struggle to “take control” because he likes to leave me little messages every now and again to remind me he’s still in my life. Not leaving is not a story of failure, it’s a story of survival. She knows what she needs to do to survive. Not you. You are blatantly saying that these women deserve what they got because they didn’t act the way you wanted them to. This is abuser logic.
You do make a salient point, even if you’re standing on thin ice to do so!
It’s one of the reasons that so many clinicians are unwilling to label drug and alcohol addictions as “disease” – because making people feel that they’re in a situation they can’t control, rather than being the only person with the power to do anything about it, is not conducive to them getting out/better.
The trouble is that abusers are incredibly manipulative and if their victim does reach out to family or the authorities they could easily find themselves handed straight back into a worse situation than before. There’s no easy answer, but hopefully if more people tell their stories, more people will be taken seriously.
In an ideal world we could stop abusive relationships at their start – by educating people that emotional and physical abuse is never OK, it’s NOT ever a sign of love and that being single is always better than being in a bad relationship. Don’t be scared to be on your own!
How is it an excuse to just say it how it happened? No it’s not okay to stay and be abused but yes it IS okay to say that it happened and that you were not strong enough mentally to just leave, to make other abused persons feel a little less alone. Because it is a fact that lot of DV victims don’t leave even with the worst kind of abuse. I like to think that I would leave right away but I won’t really know until it happens.
I see what you mean but that kind of speech will make the ones not strong enough to leave feel like shit, it is best in my opinion to show them that yes, some were terrified too and found a way to make it out of the abuse.
I think the #whyIstayed hashtag is meant to give victims a voice to express that although it IS difficult to recognize, acknowledge, and move on from abuse, because it is a systematic oppressive cycle, it’s also meant to acknowledge that it’s not impossible to overcome or leave. Hence the #whyIleft hashtag that came after. I think it’s more of an acknowledgement of the struggle, as well as another narrative of it (rather than “well, you stayed, so you must have liked it/deserved it/wanted it, etc.” narrative that has been floated around). I don’t think it’s intended to be a message that victimization or victimhood is okay, just that different people struggle with it differently and have different reasons for making the choices they do, and THAT is okay.
I agree, though, that there needs to be a broader, constructive discussion that surrounds the abuser and holds the abuser accountable for being abusive. I’m not quite sure how that will be accomplished, though.
Agree with you Irene!
<3 This means a lot to me today. Thanks to Merideth for speaking out and thanks Bedhead for knowing that this is newsworthy.
Telling stories of domestic violence absolutely helps society to confront what it tacitly condones. It’s surprising to hear a therapist counsel people to keep quiet. Secrecy permits abuse of all kinds, including politically motivated torture, child abuse by everyone from family members to athletic coaches and members of the clergy, abusive relationships on college campuses, and partner violence (most usually against women). Telling stories of abuse does not have to “perpetuate a narrative of victimhood” — it takes a strong self-image and hard-won personal resources to be open and public about the criminal actions of others in one’s life, and to go up against the system. There is a difference between identifying events in which one was victimized and identifying 24/7 as a victim. But let there be no mistake: people are victimized and have a right to tell their stories, to be heard and be believed, without being accused in essence of whining and not moving forward.
If someone was robbed, they could talk. If they were struck by a drunk driver, they could talk. But when someone they know hits them – they can’t talk? That in a nutshell is our cultural problem with domestic violence.
I never tell my patients to keep quiet. I listen to them and help them move forward. I was speaking for myself and giving a personal opinion on an internet message board. I won’t tell my own story because I feel that is letting my abuser win and I personally do think that repeating the message sets up a narrative of victimhood rather than actually overcoming the abuse. It’s my opinion, it’s not what the experts say but I don’t think telling my story would help or be productive to anyone in any way. I think focusing on all the positives in my life than one traumatic narrative is better and that may just be for me. But this is my personal opinion.
I think I understand you. There are things I don’t talk about and don’t think about from the past. You want to independently resolve and heal and move into the present and future. There are people in my life who have some terrible stories of victimhood and they have these on an endless loop, and a non helpful loop.
YET. I think the telling of these stories in general IS helpful. We are social beings, and the isolation caused of these experiences is damaging. Having these stories out in the air, allows people (all of us) to recalibrate their views, experiences and reality. I think the voices coming forward are helpful and will empower a number of us, present and future.
@Arya Martell: I never share any of any of my personal life with my patients as I feel it isn’t clinically helpful. I will share things with my friends and to a degree here at celebitchy when it is appropriate. Heck, I just recently shared that I’m a mom and married for the third time and I’ve been around for a couple of years.
I’m the kind of person who keeps some experiences in a little box in my head and only take them out when I need to.
@Paranormal Agreed. I don’t really share anything with patients either. Sometimes after a tough session, if appropriate, I’ll share a funny personal story (usually about something funny my cat did) to make sure they will be okay. Much like you I have a box in my head. I have a box about all the abuse I suffered and while I will share and open that box with certain individuals and in appropriate venues, I just don’t think the current national conversation is moving along in a healthy matter. There isn’t anyone there to help people shift the traumatic narrative into a positive one. We only see the grizzly negative and that bothers me.
I agree w/Give Everyone. As a culture, we NEED to talk about it for many reasons. Many, like the NFL, would love nothing more than to sweep it under the rug, blame and shame the victim, and pretend it’s not happening. The statistics show that of the women who die each year, many are killed by their partners (1 in 3, if I remember correctly). That’s shocking, and it needs to be discussed. Abusers win when we don’t talk about it. When we show we don’t care enough to discuss it as a culture, then abusers can say to their victims, “No one cares if you are hurt. No one will believe you.” Talking about it shows we are taking it seriously. We also need to address the lack of empathy for victims, such as victim blaming and shaming tactics. The latter tactics keep victims fearful of revealing their abuse to authorities or others, perpetuating that cycle. In addition, victims telling their stories, like Meredith Vieira, can help serve as a wake-up call for those who may be in denial, or who think their relationship is “not that bad.”
On a personal level, everyone has their own way of dealing with trauma. There is no “one size fits all” model for healing. Some people can’t simply move on, forget the past, and instantly focus on the positive. For some, that’s just not feasible. I also think that the “get over it” attitude can be a bit insensitive or judgmental, depending on how it is phrased.
I don’t buy the argument that talking about it keeps a person in a state of perpetual victimhood. That’s a bit of a generalization. That might be the case if that person told the same victim story over and over, and never moved on. This may be true for some, but not all situations.
Further, telling your story does not necessarily allow your abuser to win. I guess that depends on the story you tell? In my case, I found the very opposite to be true. Telling my story was about me, first and foremost. Talking about it helped me make sense of a difficult time. When it was happening, I was fairly young, helpless, and confused. Afterwards, I was able to take more control of the situation in discussing it. I also came to the realization that I was in denial about my childhood. It’s funny how you bury things, and say “they aren’t so bad.” This past, unfortunately, influenced by behavior as an adult. I accepted a toxic relationship for far too long when I should have left. In my case, talking about it allowed me to heal and move on. I also found writing about it to be helpful, which is why this post is so long, perhaps. 😉
As for this: “The more you say it’s not easy, the more you enable them to stay that way, make excuses for not standing up for themselves, for not being stronger when the situation calls for it, for their lack of action to be OKAY.”
Nobody’s enabling anyone to “stay that way” because they’re not “that way” to begin with. Their abusers are “that way.” Victims don’t make “excuses” for not standing up for themselves, because they are terrified to stand up for themselves. They are not weak. They are terrified.
Anyone who has never experienced that kind of physical or psychological torture should politely refrain from judging or accusing those who stay of being “weak.” They may have been strong once but they have been broken. And make no mistake, we can ALL be broken.
Understanding how the victim’s psyche can change as the result of ongoing assaults, threats and manipulation is essential to figuring out how to help them get out and recover.
If we can do this for victims of political torture, we can do it for all the ordinary women among us who fell into the wrong hands by accident.
Torture is torture and trauma is trauma. The human psyche responds the same way whether it’s in the basement of an authoritarian regime’s prison somewhere or in a wealthy man’s mansion. Don’t judge.
“And make no mistake, we can ALL be broken.”
This. This. This. This. This times eleventy billion. Everything you said was made of amazing, but that statement in particular made me stand up and applaud. People who have not experienced DV haven’t avoided it because they’re smarter and value themselves to a greater degree, they’ve just been lucky enough not to encounter an abuser. Ignorance is truly bliss.
Thanks. It’s easy to blame a victim until you’re a victim yourself. We all wish to distance ourselves from “those people” doing “those things” (’cause bad stuff rubs off, right?) and that makes it even harder for someone finding herself “that person” to get out.
Silence protects the abuser. It’s sad to find anyone, in any role, believing that going public (even in private) somehow gives the abuser power. To tell the truth of one’s life is not the same thing as ruminating long past the point of healing.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
My ex started off by throwing objects at me, usually missing me but to scare me. Then it escalated to pushing and taking my clothes out of my closet and stomping on them. Then it lead to getting slapped on the leg…. eventually he beat me up one day, I even stayed a little longer because I was scared of him and his threats to out my personal business. We shared a 2 year old t that time. I got him jailed but did not press charges. Eventually I left, not because he hit me, but I had lost my self worth. Now, 1.5 years later, I am a changed person. He has a new GF thst thinks he is the most amazing guy, wait until she gets a piece of what I had.
It’s a double edged sword I think. I’ve had multiple experiences with DV…mainly because my mother made a lot of really shitty choices in partners many of whom were abusive to either her or I in some order or form. Time after motherfucking time my mom would repeat the same pattern. That frustrated and pissed me off to no end and we still have a rocky relationship in part due to this-it’s really sad to be more mature than your parents. Even after this I found myself in my early experiences with men falling into her pattern. You know why I left and learned that no man is ever worth not loving myself? How much I absolutely hated my mother and how weak and pathetic I found her to be. Dark. Sad. But absolutely true. At the very least I was able to spot the issues I was having and took the time to get myself right; now I’m happily engaged and in a steady/secure relationship. It does get better if you’re willing to take those first hard steps. If you don’t you end up like my mother-pushing 60 and still making those same mistakes with men that you made at 15. It’s not pretty. And I’m going to stop rambling now.
I think we could be twins. My mother was the exact same way. She married the biggest a holes that would abuse her and sometimes me and it all happened when I was very young. I resented her, found her to be weak and stupid. I didn’t understand how she could be with these men and stay with them. Luckily she broke the cycle with her current husband, a great older gentleman. Living that way and seeing the things I did made me grow to be very cold and I refused to be a victim like her and I would get in fights with her husbands. Her last husband tried slamming her head in the door and when she was on the couch I told her if he touched her again I would slit his throat. He heard me and came at me yelling asking what I would do. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and told him if he ever touched my mother again I would slit his throat in his sleep. He apologized and didn’t touch her again and shortly after that she left him for the man she is married to now. I ended up in a horrible 3 year relationship where me and this guy would get in crazy fights, but I wasn’t like my mom. I fought back and it was nasty. Thankfully I woke up and realized I was being like her, so I left. I’m also in a wonderful relationship now with a great guy and we have a 1 year old together. I see why the pattern repeats itself and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I woke up and didn’t become my mother.
Yay trauma twins? j/k There’s bound to be a bunch with this kind of story. Yeah I had this crop up with my Aunt when I spent a year living with her….of course she had the same stellar taste in men my mom did and her current was attempting to burn her face with a cigarette. He’s told plenty of people I was the scariest kid he ever met because I calmly entered the living room and told him to go ahead and finish what he was doing…while holding a 18 inch diameter cast iron fry pan in my hand. I was 15. He was a biker. My plan was to start swinging with the pan the moment he burned her until his head was nothing more than a stain on the couch. I also calmly told him that I would get away with it too. Battered woman’s syndrome is a hell of a thing. Really I don’t remember half of it because I saw red. I can honestly say I probably would have done it if he’d had the balls to actually go through with burning my Aunt.
It taught me the best way to deal with a bully is to go Liam Neeson in Taken on them.
I understand what you mean. On the opposite end of the spectrum, though.
My stepdad was horrible emotionally and mentally abusive to my mother, and there were definitely days where I was angry at her for setting a horrible example for me of what was “okay” in relationships, however, in dealing with my own trauma of DV, I realized that she was doing the best that she thought she could at the time given the resources of which she was aware.
Yes, she stayed with him WAY too long, but she was also in fear of losing me (he legally adopted me) to him and his family, who had way more political and financial connections than she did. She was willing to fight, but had to pick and choose her battles carefully, with plans laid to get me out of my hometown and onto better things in life than the lot she’d chosen. That was her #whyIstayed.
Looking back on it, I definitely have some anger issues about her seeming helplessness and “acceptance” of the situation, but I’m also furious with my stepdad for his role in this. HE was the abuser. She was doing what she could to survive and ensure my survival. So, my relationship with him is strained, awkward, and strictly controlled by me. He knows very little about me, my friends, relationships, and family. And now that they’re divorced (and have been since 2008, thank goodness), he gets no information from me about her, because I recognize that he was toxic for her and knew exactly how to manipulate and terrify her into submitting to his will. I don’t blame her for the situation he put her in, nor do I truly blame her for staying, though I struggle with her decision and reason for it, but I refuse to make her culpable for the way he abused her. If I had to live with the fear she lived with day in and day out, I’m not sure I wouldn’t make the same choices to give my daughter the best chance at survival and independence.
I just want to say that I wish Meredith and others would name their abusers. Yep, first and last name, and the city where it occurred. The cowardly nature of DV means there are usually no adult witnesses. The abuse happens “in secret”, women who are able, should name them. I love Robin Meade for telling her story about Mike Tyson.
at the risk of being politically incorrect & sounding like those men everyone is complaining about, i have to admit that i truly do not get this. the meredith veira story is so disturbing because it makes zero sense. what is really going on here?
i can understand when an uneducated women with small children & no means of support stays. that’s a no brainer.
but anyone else? no. just no.
as a feminist i am a little horrified by all these “why i stayed” stories. it seems to me that they empower the abusers. after all, so many women stay! & they provide good reasons!
seems insane to me. sorry.
& to make matters worse, you’re supposed to “understand” their willingness to be punching bags. but i don’t.
this has to do with how women see themselves & as far as i can tell, women still have a long way to go, baby.
Question: how’s the view from your high horse?
I agree with you Irene
Physical abuse is nearly always accompanied by verbal/emotional abuse. What we know about verbal and emotional abuse is this: the abused grows to believe her abuser about her worth, culpability in the abuse and repercussions if she leaves. It is what Steven Stosny (a renowned expert on verbal abuse) refers to as “the mirror of love.”
We are hardwired to believe what the people we love say to us about ourselves. That is part of what love IS. It is why an otherwise unremarkable looking person feels sexy as hell when his or her partner tells them and shows them they are.
And these abusive relationships always start off with the luring…the “you’re the most wonderful woman in the world” and so it feels good and right to love and believe and be with this person. Then when the abusive language slowly, ever so slowly, replaces the romance, she continues to believe. It’s the proverbial tale of the frog not hopping out of the water that is slowly heated to boiling.
I love that Meredith’s story involves a confident, educated person with resources staying. It shows the psychological reality of what is going on. It’s not only about money, etc. (although these guys love to get a woman helpless and dependent because it bolsters their “you’re a worthless piece of shit who deserves this and no one else would have” narrative). It’s about the systematic dismantling of a person’s sense of self and ability to connect to other humans in a healthy relationship.
I also acknowledge that I identify with her story. I was married for a decade to an abuser whom I would never have left if he hadn’t cheated on me. I am a well compensated tax lawyer from a loving, stable family, and had the resources to leave at all times. The cheating was an escape hatch because I finally had evidence that he was “wrong.” I left him 8 years ago and the elevator video has triggered my PTSD horribly. I didn’t even realize I was upset by it because my thought patterns of ignoring the abuse are still so ingrained (yes, I am in counseling).
Meredith’s story is very, very important and I am thrilled that she shared it. I encourage anyone who is interested in or confused by the psychology of abuse to check out Stosny’s work.