Lisa Ling has a new program on CNN called This is Life with Lisa Ling. The show premiered last night with an episode about “sugaring.” The episode revealed the habits of young women (or men) who seek out expensive gifts and cash from older, wealthier hookups. Is that an unexpected topic for a cable news network? Maybe not. Lisa drew upon her own experiences. She admits to becoming a “sugarbaby” in her early 30s. It was a brief blip in her life, but the timing matches up to when she left The View in 2002. Yep. She had about a 3-year gap between that gig and starting work as a National Geographic host.
Lisa penned a CNN column on the subject. From her descriptions, it sounds like she didn’t set out to become a sugarbaby. She mentions the “dating” websites that facilitate these arrangements, but I think that’s just background info. These websites are often filled with college students looking to finance their educational years. Crazy, right? It happens. Here’s what Lisa says about her time with “Tom”:
I have always been a fiercely independent woman. I learned from my grandmother — the breadwinner in her marriage — that there was nothing that a woman couldn’t do as well as a man. I started working when I was 16 years old and, by all accounts, I had achieved a fairly high degree of success as a young journalist in my early 20s.
A die-hard feminist, my desire for self-sufficiency didn’t stem from a movement: It was personal. A child of divorced parents who always fought about money-related issues, and with my grandmother’s words etched in my mind, I told myself at a young age that I would never rely on a man or anyone to take care of me.
Then, I met “Tom,” who was much older and more successful than me. We started dating in my early 30s at a time when my career had me traveling all over the world to report stories. I was neither looking for a relationship nor cared to be in one.
Tom was a nice man who seemed to take a liking to me quite quickly. Like many men of similar ilk, Tom could be aggressive about acquiring things he wanted. Before I knew it, I was being sucked into his vortex.
One week we’d be cruising the Mediterranean in a massive full-service yacht, the next we’d be on a shopping excursion in Rome. It all happened so fast and I was being exposed to a part of the world that — despite being well-traveled — I had never experienced.
It started to become glaringly apparent that I was being seduced by a lifestyle. I was becoming a sugar baby. Or at least, that’s how I felt. We all know what sugar daddies are: Wealthy older men have throughout history sought out much younger women — “sugar babies” — to date, even marry and take care of.
Despite the women’s liberation movement, our culture is always reminding us of gender roles. Today, websites like SeekingArrangement.com are making it that much easier for men and women to connect by waving the carrot of support and financial security to attract youth and beauty.
While I think Tom liked me because of my independent spirit, I’m quite sure he hoped that the longer we were in a relationship together, the more likely it would be that I would eventually give up my career and let him support me.
[From CNN]
Lisa broke it off with Tom because she felt that their arrangement was eroding her personal identity. She also says her grandma taught her to “have your own money.” Lisa didn’t recognize her own self as a sugarbaby.
Lisa is now married to Dr. Paul Song (a radiation oncologist). The story of their romance sounds too perfect. A mutual friend told Lisa, “You’re going to marry this guy!” I guess it worked out. They’ve had difficulties with conflicting work schedules, but those are normal people problems. I’m glad Lisa figured out what was right for her in the relationship department. Some people are comfortable being taken care of financially, but it’s not for everyone.
Photos courtesy of WENN
I agree with her. I wouldn’t be comfortable being taken care of financially, nor would I be comfortable if my husband one day made much more money than I did.
I would be down to be a sugar baby, but only temporarily. At least Lisa knew what she wanted and then, when she realized that it wasn’t the lifestyle for her, she backed out. The idea of being spoiled by a rich executive is a fantasy of mine. I don’t think I’d have the guts to go through with it, but it’s always been in the back of my head. I agree with the “personal identity” part. There is more to life than money and I’m happy Lisa saw that her identity was priceless.
There are women who want that kind of life. I still remember one of my schoolmate: she valued money (I bet her mother was in part responsible for this) more than anything else, and when she started dating she used to choose the boy with the most expensieve car.
I was scared by her cold determination.
As far as I know probably she had succeed but I’m not sure. I couldn’t deal with stuff like this: I’ve been working all my life to be independent I could stand a weekend, some gift, but I love my work, my life just as it is, even if it’s hard sometimes.
She looks barely recognizable to me.
Sugar daddy and sugar baby is just another term for hooker and John. Not sure why they get more “credit” in our contemporary culture than sex workers do; it’s the same thing except they’re more choosy about who they sleep with and can afford to have only one client at a time.
Most of these guys are controlling and sexually demanding. I have no qualms about it as long as the “sugar baby” sees it for what it is; her body in exchange for monetary things and/or money.
I agree that it is sex work but some sugar babies manage to not have sex by keeping the relationships short. It’s tricky to manage since the daddies expect sex but it is possible. And since the daddies often rate the babies on the website, prospective daddies catch on but it’s managable by changing sites. My best friend did it for a year and only had sex with one of her daddies.
Most of them do because men do not want to pay for conversation and are usually on tight schedules.
Most of these “relationships” are based on sex, money, power and desperation.
I briefly considered doing this because I kept hearing about college girls utilizing it to their advantage but when I signed up I quickly realized that all these men want is sex with an attractive, younger women and I wasn’t comfortable doing that. It’s an exchange of sex for money and/or gifts with men who are married, unable to maintain a real relationship, sexually demanding, controlling, etc.
There’s always an exception to the rule, though. However, I find a lot if women lie about not having sexual relations with their sugar daddies.
I considered doing at as well but I didn’t think I would’ve been as adept at avoiding sex as my friend was. Also most of the men on the sites didn’t appeal to me. Then there was the fact that I had a long term boyfriend and that I’m innately a prude.
The men and women know what they’re getting in these relationships so, y’know, consenting adults yadda yadda. It sucks that students are driven into such situations though.
This reminds me of Holly Golightly in the film version of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” That was pretty much her MO. She’d act like she was going to have sex with men, but dodge them at the 11th hour.
I did it for about 7 or 8 months and managed to not sleep with any of them. It was in the 90s and I knew that part of my appeal was seemingly young and innocent, first time, etc. so I was able to manage it, but the longer the “relationship” and the more the men “invested,” the harder it got not to sleep with them. Believe it or not, I didn’t even have to kiss most of these men.
This is what’s crazy. At my age, I’d be more of a sugar tween / sugar teen more so than a sugar baby but I find myself wanting this type of relationships. Sex, no talking / no entanglements — my life is complicated & time-pressured enough because of that I’d be the ideal sugar tween / sugar teen.
thank you! sugar babies can sugar coat it all they want, but it’s prostitution. if you wouldn’t sleep with someone without money/gifts being involved, it’s prostitution. maybe a few (see above) are able to avoid sex, but most I am sure give it up for money/gifts, i.e, prostitute. kind of like strippers, lead men on for money/gifts.
Our society is inundated with sugar daddies and sugar babies as well as gold diggers. Look at the hottest entertainment story of this week: Amal and George. Some people might argue that what they have is love, but all I see is a classic sugar baby and sugar daddy situation. Yes, even smart and successful women can be sucked into the vortex as Ling put it.
For a lot of the women in Ling’s segment, I do not look down on them for their choices. Many of these girls said they were homeless or grew up with nothing. As one young woman put it, men her age use women for sex too. So why not have fun with a guy who can actually help you out financially? A lot of women hook up with guys and end up with nothing or with a baby and no child support. If you are a woman struggling to make ends meet and decide that this is the only way to have the life you’ve always wanted, then I respect that choice. These women who have student loans or come from poor families actually have a much better reason for trying to date or marry up than someone from a wealthy family like Kate Middleton or Amal Alamuddin.
I am an independent woman with a career but sometimes I take a look at my student loans or have a bad day at my job, and I sometimes think that life would be great if a rich man could pay my bills and give me the security so that I’d never have to work again if I choose. I’m sure many of these men are in reality abusive, domineering, and non-monogamous, but wouldn’t it be nice to find a rich guy who is nice too? I can’t say I would turn down a nice older man who wanted to pay off my student loans in return for companionship.
” I can’t say I would turn down a nice older man who wanted to pay off my student loans in return for companionship. ”
This is the exact fantasy that makes 50 Shades of Grey so popular.
Kibbles- Amal’s family paid for the wedding. She doesn’t really need his money. Maybe (gasp!) they actually (gasp! gasp!) love each other.
they didn’t pay for the wedding, that was denied through George’s people.
I disagree on Amal Alamuddin. While something about that woman rubs me the wrong way, I would never paint her as a gold digger. She comes from a well-connected family and has made money in her own right. She may like the fame or this may be a business arrangement in terms of PR image, but a gold-digger/sugar daddy arrangement, no. I don’t see that at all. , Actually, I disagree on the Kate Middleton comparison as well. I think we lumped her in because she married above her “social station” but it’s not the gold-digger/sugar daddy arrangement either. Aside from the fact that they are the same age, Kate signed up for an entirely different job than living off of a rich man. If she wanted that, she should have married a privately wealthy man or just a member of the aristocracy. Kate also signed up to represent the monarchy. While I don’t think Kate is doing well at her job, she did sign up for job that has immense benefits, but also immense disadvantages.
“I can’t say I would turn down a nice older man who wanted to pay off my student loans in return for companionship.” >>>>> Now THAT, I can most certainly agree with.
Lisa Ling proves the point that even rich and successful women can be hoodwinked by a suave wealthier man than she. Lisa is also a smart and successful woman. She was on national television when she was swept off her feet by a wealthier man who gave her things even the money she had could not afford her on a regular basis.
Kate is not doing well at her job because she did not care about the job. Her main goal (as well as her mother’s) since she was in college (and even high school if you believe the rumors that they plotted to make sure she would meet William) was to marry into the Royal family. Kate’s family is new money. Although they may be wealthy, they are not aristocratic. She is no different or better than a woman looking for a sugar daddy. She was just lucky to get a man who is her age but I believe she would have tried to marry William regardless of his age because of his title and social status.
I know some will disagree but I believe this is the same with Amal. She comes from a wealthy family but outside of her motherland and the legal community in London, she was not particularly well-known. Clooney is an older man who has catapulted her into stardom and has given her the wedding of her dreams. This is the kind of life Amal would have never had without her sugar daddy. I doubt this still young and successful woman would want to marry an old man were he not much wealthier and famous than she. I doubt she would have even wanted to marry a fairly successful but average (say upper middle class) and non-famous man of the same age as Clooney with a back problem.
Poor women are not the only women looking to improve their lifestyle. For some people, wealth is not enough. They want the fame and perks of being married to a celebrity as well. They were just lucky to be the one of many women looking to marry these wealthy and famous men. They’ve essentially won the sugar daddy lottery.
Just watch all those shows Housewives of Orange Country, Housewives of Basketball Players, Mob Wives, etc. They are all examples of spoiled sugar babies. Where does it get these women? No where but divorce, bitter, and unhappy endings. I think women who stand up to what they want and work on it, is a normal and healthy way of approaching life. It leads to a much happier ending rather than the other direction.
for a second i thought that “sugaring” referred to tapping maple trees for maple syrup.
That’s funny. Sugaring is also an alternative hair removal method.
that’s right, i forgot about that! i have friends who tried that at some point.
Is it weird to anyone else to hear Ling refer to her early 30s self as a “baby” of any sort?
Yep, I think courtesan sounds nicer.
When I was in college, my parents had to file for bankruptcy. I didn’t know that we had financial troubles dating back a few years and then everything hit at once. I was financially naive, in the sense that I didn’t believe money was important, because I never had to worry about it. All if sudden, I had no money for tuition, my off-campus housing and expenses, no money for anything, including food and gas. I was so hungry, I started accepting dates from guys just so that I could eat and flirting with guys so that I could catch a ride to campus for classes. I did feel like a hooker. I tried to get jobs that didn’t require driving but I wasn’t qualified to be hired as a waitress, salesperdon, or telemarketer, the only jobs within walking distance. No one knew how completely broke and hungry I was during those few months. Some friends just thought it was odd that I was going on so many dates all of sudden, with fellow classmates, older grad students, PhD candidates, then moving on to a married professor and then to a married businessman, who got me a car. That’s how I was able to get a job a few months later, ending my short stint as a sugar baby. It was not for me. It was too much work stringing the guys along, hinting at sex, not giving in.
Wow, thats a really interesting story!!
Ha – it’s probably the most shameful time in my life. It didn’t feel as bad back then, as I didn’t sleep with any of them and the most “generous” ones had girlfriends or were married, but I think if I didn’t grow up so spoiled with such premium on my looks, I wouldn’t have gone that route.
I worked as a bartender for over a decade and I know so many women with these sorts of arrangements. Some of them are sexual with their sugar daddy, some are not. It’s very common in the night club/ strip club/ bar industry and some of them are long standing arrangements 10 yrs + and a lot of the “daddies” are married, some have grown children, it’s a very odd phenomenon.
Wish I could be someone’s sugar baby.
At least she had a relationship with him?? Tumblr is FULL of these girls talking about the Sugar Bowl etc and flat out taking Umbrage to having to sleep with/have a relationship with their sugar daddies etc like…uh why do you think he is flying you to Houston?? Cause you are the sweetest coed of them all??
I’ve been through this phase. A couple years ago I was dating an older wealthy man. It was fun while it lasted, but I also felt kind-of icky. I felt like when we were out people just assumed I was a gold-digger. I eventually went back to dating men around my own age.
Seriously? Im sure if thats what he wanted he would have picked someone who wasn’t
a) as old as she was
b) as famous as her
c) someone without a career, especially one that was well travelled
d) someone without her money
She makes it sound so predatory! I think its pretty well ingrained in the male psyche to want to ‘take care of’ a woman, especially one who is from a different day and age and one who has made a lot of money. Im not knocking the point she is making but good grief…
I think in one way or another, many women have thought about dating older rich men since we all want to be financially secure and not worry about money. My friends always teased me to be with an old rich guy probably because they know that I’m more attracted to older men. I might consider it and if it doesn’t work out then I will just move on…
If a woman wants to be taken care of and the man is willing, fine. If a man wants to be taken care of and the woman is willing, fine. Now, is the power dynamic unbalanced, yes but it’s a choice.
I’ve been married for over 32 years and some days I roll over in bed, take a look at hubby and say to myself, “WTF.” I am very independent and he is very “everyone must bring something to the table” and that’s fine, it has worked for 32 years. However, there are days when I just don’t want to bring something to the table and just want him to take care of me, to spoil me a little and he damn well better hop to it.
EVERYTHING is a trade-off, a compromise, especially in relationships. I’m not going to shade anyone for their choices.
Anyone who wants to read an honestly written and heartfelt book in which this dynamic is prevalent should pick up “Slow Motion: A Memoir of a Life Rescued by Tragedy” by Dani Shapiro.
Get yourself a sugardaddy, and if he’s old enough, he might not be able to have sex anyway. So if you’re not that attracted to him you’re off the hook. He gets female companionship and you get the lifestyle and all that entails. Everyone’s happy. I see no problem with that.
If you’re a do-it-yourself kind of woman, that’s okay too. To each his own.
While it’s not a life I can really grasp personally… I know enough gals who while they do seem to really care for their spouses, are pretty upfront about how they wouldn’t have even agreed to a single date if they didn’t meet some pretty specific financial marks first. Only dated guys who : owned their home, had a 401k, nice car, etc (and as I get further into my own 30’s, the list of demands gets stiffer with them looking ahead at what they could expect retirement to look like as well) while at the same time would be horrified and angry if anyone ever accused them of being gold diggers. Financial security is considered just one of a long list of needs they demand be met while still being willing to rail and scream if a man lists looks/sex/etc as part of HIS list. People are… odd. Personally, it tough enough for me, now that I’m married, to have stepped back a bit and hand over the financial reins to my husband. I supported myself from about 16 until my marriage at 27 so this new stage in my life is tough (so folks don’t think I mean my guy has ‘made’ me pull back, let me say a loud “NOPE!” – it’s a combo of having first gotten seriously ill, as in mostly bedridden for 4 years, only now getting better and having to figure out what life with a now scarred heart and a tendency to pass out at odd moments looks like, working in several art fields and recently having us buy a home to have his mom live with us and I take on her care and hopefully kids this year. A nursing home would cost more then I would make working outside of the home, so… we talked and I made the offer.) and the whole not being the one totally in charge of my own ship is making me ever so slightly crazy, so to go out looking for a sugardaddy just seems so foreign to me. But good on Lisa Ling for being open about her past and trying to open a dialog about how it can happen, for both sides of the coin.
“It doesn’t have to be sex with a hooker; men pay for sex one way or another… Whether it’s direct cash to a hooker, or it’s dinners and date gifts and flowers… Men pay for it one way or another.” This was something my man said to me 6 years ago around the time we started dating and while it shocked and disgusted me at first, I eventually came to see with age and experience that he is right. At least in terms of society today. I challenge you to find a younger woman today who doesn’t expect a man to pay for dinners and gifts etc especially when they are first faith and especially before they have sex the first time. If the terms are clear and everyone is privy to and comfortable with expectations, then what’s the big deal? I know I get odd looks from people when I’m out with my now-fiancé, 20 years my senior, but we’re happy and isn’t that all that matters? Some people take the “sugar baby” and “gold digger” concepts way too seriously and in such a way that makes me think (it mostly comes from other women) that that are quite possibly jealous they do not also have this kind of lifestyle. Now I do think women should keep working and earning their own $$ (if not busy at home taking care of children) it’s like what would you do all day? That’s just laziness. But if you are able to have a job it business you truly enjoy and makes you happy, but you don’t make a ton of money, and your man happens to be better off and more financially stable and thereby able to foot more of the bills to carry a nice lifestyle for the two of you, then what is the problem??? It’s the married ones who are cheating that are disgusting. At the end of the day, two grown adults will understand exactly what they’ve signed up for and if they are truly deeply happy then it shouldn’t be anyone else’s business.
sugar baby is different. it’s not a woman dating a guy with money. it’s women signing up online to meet sugar daddies. like picking up someone off craigslist, who says he wants to pamper and spoil a woman. they’re meeting men who want a young, naive, financially poor woman they can manipulate and control and have sex with for money.
i think women are so used to using their sexuality as currency, that a sugar baby doesn’t seem like much of a stretch. for example, women use their looks to get free drinks, into clubs, flirting to get favors at work or home. so why not use your looks to get money/gifts? I think some women are even so naive they think they don’t have to put out. but you are treading on dangerous ground there. what if you meet with your sugar daddy and he decides he’s going to get what he paid for? you’re putting yourself in the same situation as a hooker and her john. if you want to be a sugar baby, that’s up to you, but don’t minimize the danger. men don’t pay for chitchat, they’re paying for the chance to have sex. and not all will be nice enough to take no for an answer.