If you want to feel like bashing your head against a wall, I double-dog dare you to attempt to get through Chris Hemsworth’s Vanity Fair cover story. The piece is written by Lili Anolik and at some point, I wanted to scream “oh for the love of God, just ask him if he’ll have sex with you!!!!” Like, the whole thing is about how he looks and how he’s incredibly sexy, to the point where it feels like she didn’t ask him any questions. Like, she only sat there and stared at him longingly. Maybe I’m just not feeling it because I’ve never been like “ROWR” for Chris Hemsworth. Hemsworth covers the newest issue of Vanity Fair because he’s promoting In the Heart of the Sea, the big-whale story. Some highlights from the piece:

His three-year stint on Aussie soap opera Home and Away: “It was a great place to get caught up in that sort of thing [i.e., teen-idol-dom] because no one really gave a sh-t, because it was just a soap opera and cell-phone cameras weren’t as popular.”

How Thor happened: “I had an audition with Ken [Branagh, for Thor] that didn’t go very well. I remember walking out thinking, Oh well, there goes that opportunity. Then one day Joss Whedon and Drew were reading the trades, and on the front was the final four for Thor. And they pointed to Liam and said, ‘Hey, is that your brother?’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And they said, ‘Why the hell aren’t you in the mix?’ And I said, ‘I didn’t get a callback.’ And they were like, ‘This is crazy.’ And I was like, ‘If one of us gets it, that’s cool.’ And they were like, ‘No way. That should be you.’ And when casting opened back up, Joss called Ken and said, ‘Give Chris another shot.’ ”

He worried about failing as Thor: “When something costs $150 million and it doesn’t work, it’s your face, it’s your fault. And the character has fans. Are they still a fan or did you just make them never want to read the comic again?”

On LA: “[It will] set up to turn you into a complete narcissist…You just kind of lose touch with reality a bit here. You drive down the street and you’re constantly reminded of everything you’re either involved in or not involved in. It’s exhausting.”

Complaining about the paparazzi: “But I’m not complaining!,” a sentence he uttered so often it became a kind of refrain. Then he laughed. “What was it that Jennifer Lawrence said? ‘I know everyone says you’re not supposed to complain about the paparazzi. Well, I don’t give a sh-t. I’m f–king complaining!’ ” He cut off his laugh to sigh. “But she can get away with that.”

Working on non-Marvel projects: “Being part of a franchise like The Avengers is the dream scenario. I’ve got this thing that’s going to keep me relevant, and I can still explore other things in between, do a few films no one cares about.”

[From Vanity Fair]

I do believe that the paparazzi bother him and I also believe that the LA echo chamber was a big reason why he relocated his family back to Australia on a semi-permanent basis. The only thing is… he should talk to his wife about all of that. Elsa Pataky was and still is very thirsty. She’s the one posting intimate family photos on her Instagram. She was the one setting up a lot of those pap strolls in LA. I’ve always wondered if Chris sort of wanted to move his family to Australia so that he could keep Elsa away from the famewhore temptations.

Oh, and some of these VF photos really are pretty. Too bad he looks like Scott Eastwood on the cover.

Photos courtesy of Vanity Fair.