Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sure know how to have one hell of a romantic honeymoon. Or in their case a pre-Honeymoon. They just can’t do any of this marriage stuff right the first time. They had to have a pre-wedding in Mexico five months before their real one in California. Presumably they’ll have their real honeymoon sometime within the next year. But until then, they’re basking in the relaxing Mexican sand. And by “basking,” I mean wearing face masks and hiding out in their hotel, afraid of catching Swine Flu. At least that’s smarter than Paris Hilton’s strategy of not eating pork.

Newlyweds Heidi and Spencer Pratt called into Ryan’s radio show Tuesday while they are in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on their pre-honeymoon to talk a little bit about the wedding drama.

Due to the recent Swine Flu outbreak in Mexico, Pratt said “we’re not playing I’m not trying to get pig flu. We’re definitely wearing the face masks everywhere we go. We’re in isolation, we’re in full hiding.” Montag very precautious added that “every second we’re washing our hands.”

The newlyweds said that they aren’t technically on their honeymoon yet, “this is a music video shoot” said Montag. “Since it is a recession we just might go to Santa Monica Beach” Pratt continued [sic], but they plan to go on their official honeymoon in about a week to Fiji.

[From RyanSeacrest.com]

There is absolutely nothing more romantic than a video shoot after your wedding. Especially when it’s one shot by Spencer and featuring Heidi frolicking around on the beach or climbing on a bunch of rocks. That man is inspired, I tell you. The next Sidney Lumet.

Okay I lied. The most romantic way to spend your honeymoon is by washing your hands every second. Nothing says, “I love and accept you, new spouse” quite like rubbing the skin on your hands raw from hot, vigorous hand washing. And who needs any of those fun novelty lubricants when you’ve got Purell?

Speaking of Heidi and Spencer having sex (I’ll wait while you start compulsively and vigorously washing your hands at the thought), Spencer says the best part of their wedding was when Heidi sang and performed her new song for him – titled “Sex Ed.” Let’s hope she did it at the reception and not the church.

Pratt said one of the best parts of the wedding “was Heidi’s wedding gift to me, she wrote and performed a little show for me to her new song she did as a wedding present called Sex Ed.” Ryan joked with Pratt that he could only imagine it now since Heidi is now married.

[From RyanSeacrest.com]

Spencer doesn’t actually say where Heidi did this, but he said it was the best part of the wedding, not the best part of getting married, which leads me to believe Heidi did this in front of other people. At her wedding. I realize I’m a total prude, but I always find it a little embarrassing when the groom takes the bride’s garter off in front of everyone. I cannot even imagine sitting through Heidi performing a song called “Sex Ed” in front of their friends and family. And considering she “performed a little show” what else could it have been but some sort of raunchy…. I can’t even finish the sentence. I feel ill. I think Spencer and Heidi gave me Swine Flu. Can it be passed by thought?

Here are Spencer and Heidi in L.A. in December. I couldn’t bear anymore wedding photos. Images thanks to WENN.com .