Ryan Phillippe is promoting his goofy new action parody, Macgruber, out May 21, and has been giving some pitiful “poor me,” “I’m a victim” quotes. We last heard him whine to Howard Stern about how he was “getting sh*t on” in the press for his breakup with Abbie Cornish, adding “I don’t deserve it.” He told Men’s Health that he’s still kind of hurt about his divorce from Reese Witherspoon in 2007. He admitted “I still have sadness and complicated feelings about my divorce.” That’s so deep, right?

In the latest issue of Women’s Health, Ryan gives us some more insight into what a mature, thoughtful person he is and what he’s looking for in a partner. He says he’s looking for a woman who is funny, doesn’t make fart jokes, and who has “unconditional love and patience.” Does that mean she waits dutifully at home with dinner in the oven while he runs off with his latest costar or whichever woman is left at the bar at the end of the night? He seems to have expected that of both Reese and Abbie.

On how humor is a turn on
“Do something-anything- to make me laugh. If a woman is funny, that will leave an impression and stay on my brain. I like dark, intellectual wit. But no jokes about bodily functions. That’s not a turn-on for me.”

Wants “patience,” “unconditional love” in a partner:
“Unconditional love and patience. A lot of times, people are in a relationship with someone they’d love to grow old with, but things become tumultuous, and there’s so much that can divide you. That’s the challenge. I got married when I was 23; I’m 35 now [and divorced]. A lot of change can take place in that time. And actors are slightly handicapped by their lifestyle: Couples spend time apart and with other people, and we deal with public scrutiny. It’s hard.”

On how to ditch a date – either get drunk or use the kids
“If you’re not laughing and mentally stimulating the other person, there’s nowhere to go. You can resuscitate it by drinking. I always have the perfect excuse: ‘I have to put the kids to bed.'”

Claims he can rap
“I rap really well. I can sound like Lil Wayne or Ludacris. I’m dead serious…I can spit!”

He loves Jersey Shore
“I was really into MTV’s Jersey Shore . Oh my God. I got really obsessed. I would count down until the next episode-literally, like, ‘OK, four more days…’ I was into it. I’m from the East Coast and I knew guys like that growing up, so it was fascinating. I could relate to it in some strange way. The most entertaining character is The Situation: There’s so much insecurity going on there. But we don’t need to analyze the cast!”

[From Women’s Health via I’m Not Obsessed]

Wouldn’t it be precious if Ryan started a solo rap career a la K-Fed? I don’t see what’s stopping him if he thinks he’s so talented. It’s not like his movie career is much to speak of lately. This guy seems so simple and downright douchey. He comes across as a devoted dad in the interviews I’ve seen with him, but he’s definitely not the sharpest tool. It’s like he can’t help but reveal what a stupid ass he is in just about every interview. Reese is so much better off without him.

Ryan Phillippe is shown out on LA on 4/8/10. Credit: LRR/Fame Pictures