I thought we should start today off with a list of celebrities that aren’t pregnant. Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, and Angela Lansbury are not pregnant. All other Hollywood wombs have most likely been fertilized at this point. So instead of talking more about babies (believe me, that’ll happen in the next few hours) Sting and wife Trudie Styler are talking about how babies get made. They do that a lot. The couple has infamously shared (and sometimes overshared) all the details of their sexual romps. They enjoy legendary, epic, tantric sex. They like swingers’ parties, swapping partners, and strip clubs. I’m pretty sure they once did immoral things with a goat. Okay that’s not true, I’m just trying to start a rumor. But they’re open, non-judgmental people when it comes to sexuality, so in terms of goat-loving, I’m putting my money on the Stings.

Trudie and Sting recently opened their Manhattan home to a newspaper, which focused on their tantric “love nest” (their words, NOT mine).

The centerpiece of the 18-room apartment overlooking Central Park is an extraordinary scarlet bedroom embroidered in gold and dominated by two explicit Helmut Newton prints. In one, an unidentified woman lays virtually naked, with her legs spread in the back of a vintage Mercedes as a man leans over from the front seat to unzip one of her spike-heeled boots. The other image, above the bed head, shows the lower half of another female wearing just stockings, suspenders and high heels.

Miss Styler, 53, who once told a U.S. DJ that the couple enjoyed swingers’ parties, before apparently retracting the claim, said of the room: “I find it hot.” She also curiously went on to admit that her son Giacomo once wanted to know if the photo of the almost nude, sprawled-out woman was his mother or sister. She told him it was neither.

[From the Daily Mail]

Um, ew! Holy disgusting! Not the art [you can see the pictures here – I think it’s pretty tame] but that Trudie would share that story about her son. I guess embarrassing is a better word than ew. Giacomo is 12, and kids that age are still sorting sexuality out. Alright let’s be fair, people twice his age are still sorting sexuality out. But at 12 it makes sense that he could be confused by the image. What doesn’t make sense is that Trudie Styler would pass that on. Imagine that embarrassing photo of you naked in the bathtub at age 4. You know, the one your parents are always parading around for everyone to see. Now imagine you’re 12. And your mom shares it with the whole world. You’d be pretty mortified, right? I just hope that poor Giacomo can laugh it off in a few years. Or at least punish Trudie with years of uncomfortable silence.

Madonna sounds like a really fun parent. I mean she rebelled like crazy, to the point that she built her reputation and her fame on it. So she’s gotta remember what it’s like to be young and have unnecessarily strict parents. Remember “Papa Don’t Preach?” Yeah that’s right; Madonna knows that if you’re too strict a parent, your rebellious daughter will end up pregnant and keeping her baby. So she’s must be cool, right? Nope, while Madonna may have made a name for herself by being a rebel, she’s managed to do it with a Guinness -sized stick up her ass the whole time. Which means that – not surprisingly – she’s a total nutcase when it comes to rules and discipline with her kids. The list of “no’s” is pretty long – television, red meat, fun, laughter, merriment… in fact I think even childhood is on the list. A while ago we wrote an article about how husband Guy Ritchie said each of their kids only gets three Christmas presents. It turns out the reasoning has nothing to do with Madonna and Guy’s involvement in Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism. Apparently the problem is that Christmas is too commercial. Says the material girl. [Yes I stole that joke from Fark. It was too good not to use].

Here’s a rundown of the Ritchie’s slightly draconian Christmas festivities.

There won’t be carols, brandy butter or television. There’ll be hardly any presents, and most traditional, seemingly innocent festive fare has been banned. Indeed, a rather restricted version of Yuletide spirit will be in evidence in the $11 million London townhouse where Madonna, her director husband Guy Ritchie and their children Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David Banda, 2, will spend Christmas Day.

“The deal is that the family hasn’t converted to Judaism, but they do celebrate Jewish festivals,” a friend says. It’s all bracingly pick ‘n’ mix for the Ritchies. Somewhat breathtakingly, the main reason for not exchanging gifts is that Madonna is very much against the commercialism of Christmas. This seems rather a cheek, given the way she has unblushingly flogged her image and her sexuality in the most commercial way possible for three decades.

The day’s highlight will be a low-fat, macrobiotic feast prepared by their chef. (Neither Ritchie nor Madonna cook.) It is highly unlikely to feature turkey, as Madonna has issues with the rearing and slaughtering of poultry. Instead, the “feast” will be based on grains - such as quinoa - and vegetables. Friends of the family say there will be a small amount of unsalted meat for the children and for Ritchie, but salty, fatty treats such as stuffing are completely out.

[From News.com.au]

Lest you think Madonna is just a Christmas Grinch, don’t be worried – she’s a crazy disciplinarian regarding her kids all year long. Fearful that they won’t be mercilessly tormented by their peers, Madonna has piled on the rules. I’m pretty sure when poor Lourdes leaves home, she’s going to gain the freshman 50, all on nothing but cream.

Indeed, the festive season is seen by Madonna as no excuse to stint on her punishing health regimen. She has even hired a nutritionist to advise on her children’s food. As a result, except for the very occasional ice cream as a treat, they have controlled amounts of dairy food, no cheese, no cream, no salt, no preservatives and no sugar.

“They entertain beautifully, but it isn’t what you would call conventional,” a friend says. “A housekeeper will set out a great big table covered in stuff, all macrobiotic, which no one dares eat unless Madonna tucks in. They’re all terrified of her.”

[From News.com.au]

I have to admit, I’m kind of afraid of Madonna too. My God, if she found out the things I said about her, she might stuff me full of quinoa. Seriously, having a healthy diet is great, but when you’re too restrictive with food – hell with anything – it makes kids want it more. You have to give in enough so that yummy food doesn’t attain this reverential status. Seriously, my mom was that way, and I gained like 40 pounds when I left home. It was donut city. I’m pretty sure poor Rocco is going to do nothing but eat Mounds bars the first time he has a week of freedom from his control-freak mom. Listen Madonna, I know that giant stick helped you attain commercial success, but applying the same principles of uptight rigidity might not be the most successful way to raise a happy family.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Madonna out and about in Manhattan on December 9th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

I’ve always said that any show starring a talking armchair and a globe with hands should be sent back to the third level of hell from whence it came. Okay I haven’t always said that, but I’m pretty sure that any parents who lived through the eighties and had to be subjected to a constant barage of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse has said it. Mine sure did. Well after a blissful seventeen year break, Pee-Wee is back. No word on Chairry the arm chair – rumor has it that she’s become a total diva and is holding out for more money and a bigger trailer.

Comedy actor Paul Reubens is reprising his most famous character to make two new Pee-Wee Herman movies. Just months after vowing never to play the kids’ favorite again, Reubens is working on two new scripts - the first due for release in 2009, 19 years after he retired the beloved character. He explains his change of heart to MTV, “I feel like the time is really ripe right now. A lot of the kids who grew up with the show are young adults. The college kids are middle-aged adults. I feel like I have enough of a built-in audience to make back an investment.”

[From Contact Music]

Not all of the original cast will be returning. Penny - Pee-Wee’s little Claymation blond girl with pennies for eyes - sadly passed away in the late nineties. After Pee Wee’s Playhouse was canceled in 1990, Penny hit a rough patch and ended up with a pretty severe drug addiction. Eventually she started doing some Claymation niche porn to support her habit, and developed a small but loyal following. But there are only so many people with a Claymation sex fetish. Penny played it up for as long as she could, but blew most of her money on hamburgers and smack. She passed away in 1999 from a combination of cirrhosis of the liver and being left on top of the heater by a careless john.

Penny did, however, give him her two cents for it.

Note by Celebitchy: Here’s a clip from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special featuring Whoopi Goldberg, Magic Johnson, Grace Jones, Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. I think it’s from 1988. I’m confused as to why they would want to make this movie now, because they already did Pee Wee’s Big Adventure in 1985 and Big Top Pee Wee in 1988.

I don’t like to give Jack Nicholson too much coverage – I don’t care what anyone says, I can’t stand him. He just seems really smarmy, and every time he gives his trademark sneer I want to punch him in the ear. With that said, it seems I have a little more evidence in my “Jack Nicholson is a total wang” argument – he claims he may have fathered as many as 9,000 children. What a potent seed you must have, sir.

Randy Jack Nicholson reckons he could have as many as nine thousand kids. The legendary Lothario has four acknowledged offspring by three women. But Shining star Jack said: “There could be 9,000 for all I know – I used to live so freely.”

Jack, 70 – whose exes include actress Anjelica Houston [sic]– admits calming down with age. He said: “You can’t get too wild these days but I’m as wild as you can get.”

A source said: “He loves women – it’s as simple as that.”

[From the Sun]

Excuse me while I run to the bathroom. I get that he’s being glib when he says he may have 9,000 kids, but it sounds like he’s bragging. And I don’t think potentially fathering a lot of kids that you don’t even know about is something to feel proud of. Even if his boast is more about how many women he’s slept with – he’s still boasting that he’s slept with them in an irresponsible way that could have left them alone with a kid. I’m sure my revulsion to his comments is influenced by my dislike of him in general, but somehow I find calling that behavior “living freely” really selfish.

Of course there is always the good news that Anjelica Huston beat the crap out of him. That image tends to calm me down a little.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Jack Nicholson is shown getting up close and personal with Sally Kellerman, yes Sally Kellerman at Fashion Week on 3/22/06. Apparently she was picking something from his teeth. Here’s a picture of Kellerman since I was curious what she looks like now. She has no connection to Nicholson that I could find apart from attending the Actor’s Studio with him, I just thought these pictures were cute and wanted to show one of her face. Thanks to PRPhotos for these photos.

As far as rich parents go, I have to say that being Madonna’s kid would not be on the top of my wish list. I’d probably start with Victoria Beckham or someone known for flaunting and needlessly squandering their money. At the very least, I’d aim for a rich parent that was known not to pay a lot of attention to their home life. Madonna – long known as a pretty extreme control freak – brings her highly regimented lifestyle into every facet of her existence – including holidays. It seems that her kids only get three Christmas presents. Though considering last week I read that they didn’t even celebrate Christmas, three presents seems like a pretty good deal.

Santa Claus keeps it sparse when it comes to the Madonna-Ritchie household. “The kids are only allowed three presents,” Guy Ritchie told Extra in an interview airing Friday. But their children — Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7 and adopted son David Banda, 2 — don’t seem to mind. “As long as the kids get three presents at Christmas, everyone’s being happy,” he said.

Ritchie, 39, said more little ones may be on the way for the Material Mom, 49. “Who knows?” he said. “My wife and myself like kids so we’ll have to wait and see what happens.”

Ritchie also debunked rumors that he and his family are converting to Judaism. (Madonna and co. study Kabbalah, a form of Jewish mysticism.) “I don’t think anyone’s converted to Judaism in my family,” he said. “I’m completely unaware of that. I have not converted to Judaism and neither has my wife.”

[From Us Weekly]

I’m not sure Madonna should have more kids. They might cut into her vigorous workout schedule or something. Remember the first day she brought David home [why in the world haven’t they changed his last name?] she still made sure to leave the kid with a nanny so she could get her gym time in. Normally I would say a celebrity not over-indulging their kid is a good thing, but I really don’t think Madonna’s type-a-to-the-extreme personality should be praised. Let’s hope it’s at least three REALLY expensive presents.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Madonna and Guy Richie are shown at the Revolver screening in NY last night. Thanks to WENN for this picture.

Will Smith is a much more humble man than I realized. Not only does he keep his own talent in perspective, he has a very modest view of his young daughter as well. Will says that he’s not a great actor and he knows it. What sets him apart and makes him successful is his crazy work ethic.

Will Smith says he’s not a great actor but he’s a hardworking one. “I’ve never viewed myself as particularly talented. I’ve viewed myself as … slightly above average in talent,” the 39-year-old actor tells CBS’ “60 Minutes” in an interview scheduled to air Sunday.

“Where I excel is with (a) ridiculous, sickening work ethic,” Smith says. “While the other guy’s sleeping, I’m working. While the other guy’s eating, I’m working. While the other guy’s making love, I mean, I’m making love, too, but I’m working really hard at it!”

[From OMG!]

I think he could be a great actor if he chose great parts. He got great reviews for his acting in “Six Degrees of Separation” in 1993. Since then he’s chosen a bunch of big budget action and comedy roles, the only exception being “The Pursuit of Happyness” last year. But let’s be honest, “Bad Boys II” and “Independence Day” were a lot of fun, but no one’s taking home an Oscar for their work.

Will’s son Jaden costarred in “The Pursuit of Happyness,” and it seems that the Smith family will be working with each other from now on. His daughter Willow, 7, costars in his upcoming film “I Am Legend.”

“She has a drive,” Smith tells PEOPLE. “She has an energy and she just connects to human emotion. I think a big part was probably [seeing] Jaden after The Pursuit of Happyness. She saw what Jaden did, and she was like, ‘I want that.’”

Still, there shouldn’t be too much tension between the young Smiths. Smith says they have different styles – and goals. “Jaden is [like] Johnny Depp,” Smith says. “He just wants to do good work . . . He loves acting, he just wants to make good movies. “And Willow is Paris Hilton,” Smith says, laughing. “Willow wants to be on TV.”

[From People]

Boy, in about five years when Willow is old enough to really understand how people view Paris Hilton, she is going to be raging pissed at her dad. That’s like saying, “My daughter is awesome, she’s Heidi Fleiss.” Okay not quite, and I realize that’s not the comparison he’s trying to make. But Will Smith seems to be a pretty smart guy. You’d think he could come up with a more reputable personality to compare his daughter to. Anyone would have been better. “My daughter is like Jessica Simpson” would have been a much kinder thing to say. It’s not great, but she’s at least famous for an actual profession or two. Last time I checked, Paris Hilton was famous for her legendary flat affect and wonky eye.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Will, Jada and Jaden are shown at the Pursuit of Happyness premiere in January of this year. Will and Willow are shown on the “I am Legend” set, also in January. Thanks to Splash News.

Julia Roberts is getting some pretty bad press for chewing out one of the paparazzi who had followed her to her kids’ school. Apparently she was so pissed that she got in her car and was following the guy and blaring on her horn. The paparazzi caught the whole thing on tape, and of course sold it as soon as he got home. It seems like a lot of people are criticizing Julia, but she makes some really good points. There is a line between following celebrities – who have chosen to be famous – and following their little kids, who deserve a reasonable amount of privacy, and didn’t choose fame.

Julia Roberts, a mother of three, has made it clear – in her actions and now in words – that she doesn’t like paparazzi staking out schools in order to get photos. Roberts, 40, recently chased down a photographer in her SUV near a school and gave him an earful, in an incident that was caught on video and shown on TMZ. Asked by Access Hollywood for Friday’s show what she said to the man, Roberts replied, “I just told him a school is not a place for a grown man to be crawling around trying to take pictures.”

She added: “If you want to take a picture of a person, then go to an adult place. Go to the coffee shop, go to the grocery store, go to the restaurant. Don’t stake out someone’s children’s church, school or playground environment.”

In the recent incident, Roberts, who did not have her kids with her, pursued a car of photographers and got them to pull over. Telling one man to shut off his camera, she said, “I want to talk to you about the fact that you’re at a school where children go. Turn it off!”

[From People]

Frankly I think Roberts was perfectly right to get mad. Even if her kids weren’t with her, she was at their school, so it had to do with them. There are worse things than overprotective parents. I think it’s totally normal that her natural inclination is to get mad and go after people that she feels are invading her kids’ space. She might have been a bit irrational, but I’m sure it’s not the first time paparazzi have shown up around her kids. It was probably just the straw that broke the camel’s proverbial back. In an article in this month’s Vanity Fair, Julia mentioned that she thinks it’s wrong for the paparazzi to take pictures of kids and/or publish their faces. She’s standing by what she believes, and every parents has the right and duty to look out for their kids’ well-being. Though the paps did catch her parking in a handicap spot last week, so maybe she’s riled up for another reason.

My faith in humanity is shaken. “Details” magazine has named Kevin Federline the 7th most influential person under 45. He is stationed on the cover of the magazine looking like he is guilty of passing gas and hoping you don’t notice. To his right, amongst several story topics included in the issue, is the highlight “Are You Turning Your Kid Into a Douchbag?” I am guessing this was done on purpose.

“Who’s the 7th most-influential man under 45? Well, according to Details magazine, that man is Kevin Federline. And they even gave him the cover!”

[People]

To further the jaw dropping factor, Details gives the title of “Good Father” to both Kevin and Larry Birkhead. Their reasoning for the father of the year award is due to “being more visible presences in their children’s lives than many Hollywood A-listers.” Federline also delves into his deep fuzzy thoughts for the magazine, touching on subjects like his career and kids.

Kevin on fatherhood:
“To be a father is…everything. It shows me how little I am.”

The direction of his career:
“I’d actually like to play somebody other than a bad guy or an ass.”

What is playing on his TV right now:
“My TVs are pretty much G-rated right now. Anything from SpongeBob to Finding Nemo, and you know, I’m still trying to decide which one I like more.”

Meanwhile, Kevin is at the center of a battle for his babies. Both he and Britney Spears are under investigation for child abuse. The Los Angeles County Department of Child and Family Services is appealing to Commissioner Scott Gordon to take a look into the actual care of both Sean Preston and Jayden James. Several complaints and tips have been presented to Child and Family Services. Most have been from employees of both Spears and Federline.

If looking at your kids as a walking dollar sign and a great way to pump press for yourself is good parenting, then sure, Kevin and Larry are the front runners for father of the year. As my Grandpa would so plainly put it…. “He is like a turd that won’t flush.”

This week’s Life & Style has a whole exclusive interview with Lynne Spears in which she seems to take several well-deserved underhanded verbal shots at Britney. Although Britney’s mom Lynne says she “blames herself” for Britney’s behavior, what she’s really doing is publicly acknowledging that her daughter is fucked up. By admitting her daughter has problems, she also seems to be letting us know that she’s not going to go easy on Britney in her upcoming tell-all book about her. Although Britney’s friend Sam Lufti claims the book is going to be about Lynne’s spiritual journey guiding Britney and Jamie Lynne’s careers or some shit, tabloids are hyping it, saying Britney is worried about the bombshells Lynne might come out with.

Britney has cut Lynne off from her money and seems to be enjoying spending it all on throwaway fashion and high end hotels each month, so Lynne has got to be ready to spill the beans. It’s doubtful that she can do any more damage to Britney than she’s managed to do on her own, but we’ll have to see.

Lynne cites her lack of involvement with Britney while she was touring as a teen, saying that she was too busy watching her other two kids to save Britney from an inevitable life of running over photographers’ feet and shopping and dining aimlessly, drifting to different four-star hotels each night:

For everything that’s gone wrong for Britney, “I blame myself,” Lynne says. “What mother wouldn’t?”

“I wish I’d been there more while she was touring,” Lynne says. “But I couldn’t be. I had the other kids [Britney’s brother, Bryan, now 30, and sister Jamie-Lynn, now 16] to look after.”

And while Lynne seems unable to explain exactly what went wrong while Britney was out of her care, her conscience is heavy. “I didn’t raise my children to have Hollywood careers,” she notes. “This all just exploded in my face, and big dreams become big headaches.” Again, she says, “I do blame myself…”

In the meantime, Lynne says she’s trying to help broker the peace by acting as a mediator between Britney and Kevin. “Here are two parents who care about their kids,” Lynne tells Life & Style. “They’re good people. While my daughter’s, Kevin’s and the boy’s interest at heart, I’m trying to bring them together, to bridge the gap. I think things are getting good.”

As for her own relationship with Britney… “We’ve reunited,” Lynne says. “We’re friends…” Still, she notes, she and Britney aren’t going to be moving in together any time shoon. “Britney’s not a keep-me-around person,” Lynne says. “I also have a 16-year-old to look after. I can’t be there for Britney all time.”

[From Life and Style, print edition, November 19, 2007]

I picture Lynne Spears saying all that in this faux-motherly tone, looking all innocent. What she’s really saying is “Britney is fucked up, maybe I screwed up but there’s nothing I can do about it at this point. I’m working with Kevin and the kids are ok.”

While we were ignoring Britney, she failed one of the drug tests she bothered to show up with and ran a red light while her kids and court-appointed monitor were in the car for one of her random drives, maybe not in that order, I can’t keep up. The drug test failure was attributed to one of the various prescription medications she’s on, with the most recent theory being that the adderral she takes for ADD caused her to test positive for amphetamines.

She also ran over a third person’s foot and has to attend an emergency hearing today for running that red light. It is thought that Kevin will ask for her rights to drive with her two boys in the car to be suspended. So Britney is getting as much driving time in as she can before it’s stripped from her. She was spotted out driving last night while wearing dark sunglasses, her two kids passed out in the back of the car, the court appointed monitor riding shotgun.

Thanks to WENN for these photos of Britney last night.

Shar Jackson and Kevin Federline have a weird relationship. And I mean weird mostly in a “good/unusual” sense. Kevin left Shar when she was pregnant to shack up with Britney Spears. Yet the two still remained in contact, and never really bashed each other publicly. While no one’s in love with K-Fed, and a lot of people doubt his motivations, he’s certainly the better parent when it comes to him and Britney. Maybe the fact that he and Shar managed to successfully co-parent their kids through all of that drama was indicative of his SLIGHTLY better-than-thought character. It certainly speaks highly of Shar that she was able to handle the situation. A lot of people point out that because K-Fed essentially made no money of his own, it was Britney who was paying his child support, so Shar had good reason to be nice about. I think that’s bull. Jackson did milk it a little bit for publicity, but nowhere near where she could have. Considering that the press will essentially cover ANY Britney story, Shar could have gotten a lot more press and made a lot more money than she did.

Since Spears and Federline have split up (and since Britney’s gone crazy) their sons Sean Preston and Jayden James have been spending the bulk of their time with K-Fed. Because he and Jackson are still close friends and spend a lot of time together, Jackson ends up looking out for Brit’s kids more than Britney likely does.

Embroiled in an ongoing custody battle with ex-wife Britney Spears, Kevin Federline nevertheless is trying to see that all four of his offspring get along, thanks to a helping hand from former girlfriend Shar Jackson. Jackson, 31, has two children – Kori, 5, and Kaleb, 3 – with Federline, 29, and says that she watches Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, who are Federline’s kids with Spears, 25.

“We definitely make sure the kids all bond together,” Jackson told reporters Tuesday night. “I mean, they’re siblings, they need each other.” Jackson also stresses that she and Federline strive to keep their family closely knit, despite whatever differences she and he might have. “We’re not together or anything but we’re definitely still a family unit,” says Jackson. “Honestly,” says Jackson, “we’re like the best of friends. Obviously, the relationship didn’t work out for a reason, and we’re cool with that. But we’re still a part of each other’s lives. And our children get to see two people who aren’t together but still have a great relationship, and I think that’s really important.”

[From People]

Shar also says that K-Fed is a good parent, and always has been. Not just to his high-profile kids with Britney, but to her two kids as well. Though I don’t remember ever seeing them or really hearing about them when he was married to Britney. But if nothing else, Federline doesn’t seem to try to pimp out his kids to the press. Jackson also says they get along well because they don’t talk about Britney or Federline’s custody battle. She said, “That would be a non-stop conversation, and we don’t even go there.” I think K-Fed should get the kids, then he and Shar should get married and live in d-list paradise. It’d be like Britney’s just desserts. She stole a guy from another woman, ended up having two of his kids, divorced him, went crazy, the guy went back to the girl with tons of the crazy woman’s money, and they lived happily ever after. Or star in a bunch of cheesy reality shows, whichever works best.