Oh, Lord. This just proves that Lindsay Lohan really has no style to speak of. So why do people hire her to design clothes, leggings, nipple pasties, et cetera? This is the kind of outfit she thinks is cute. Now, I’ve worn those knee-high sheer socks before – they’re perfect under dressy slacks. But they are not perfect for a casual outing, when paired with old-man loafers and shorts. It’s like Lindsay is now so “old” she’s dressing like she lives in a Florida retirement community. Everything from the neck down looks like someone you would call “Uncle Morty”. Everything from the neck up is what you would call “Flo, the 45-year-old hooker”. Oh, look at this one:

It’s not that she’s fat – she’s not. It’s just that her ridiculous outfits accentuate the current weirdness of her cracked-out body. Anyway, Lindsay had a really horrible time last week, keeping us on a steady diet of Lohan insanity. Perhaps we should have known it was going to be a bad week when we saw Ali’s eyebrows of doom. But we definitely got the message when Lindsay posed with a gun and rolled around on the floor, covered in blood, all for photographer Tyler Shields. And then came the news that Lindsay might be headed to jail, all because of a technicality and her judge’s whim. Now TMZ is reporting that Lindsay’s dad Michael is hellbent on creating a conservatorship for his crackhead daughter. As Gawker quipped, “so she may be conserved—like so many natural resources—for future generations.” Here’s more:

TMZ has learned Michael Lohan will be back in L.A. Monday … and he’s telling people he’ll start the legal ball rolling to create a conservatorship for Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay is in NYC but refuses to see MIchael … and daddy Lohan says it’s now time.

As for a possible conservatorship, Lohan is telling people he’d gladly serve as the conservator but is open to someone else assuming that role.

Michael Lohan also says he does not want his daughter to go to jail. As TMZ first reported, Lohan is on the fast track for a jail cell because she has squarely violated the terms of her probation. A court day of May 20 looms for Lindsay.

Michael wants Lindsay in rehab but not a traditional, group facility. He wants to go the Brooke Mueller route — a private home with lots of doctors. What Michael isn’t factoring in — that type of rehab is bocu expensive and Lindsay is broke.

[From TMZ]

Yeah, if Michael really gave a sh-t, I think he would want Lindsay to go to jail. In that small, dark recess of my heart that actually has a small, itty-bitty smidgen of sympathy for Lindsay, I want her to go to jail, just because I think that’s the only thing that could conceivably get her clean. She won’t get clean if she’s sent away to rehab – it won’t work. And having her stay home with private doctors on call won’t work either.

By the way, is Lindsay missing a tooth?

Header photo: Lindsay Lohan in New York on April 28, 2010. Credit: Bauer-Griffin.

Oh, God. Michael Lohan was sitting on Twitter, high on something (hint: not Jesus), tweeting away his sociopath urges when he tweeted this message: “It’s time you learned the truth. The truth about Tommy Motolla engaging in an affair with my then-17 year old daughter. The truth about my daughter living with HIV for the rest of her lofe as a result of the decisions she has made.”

[Screenshot of Michael’s tweets, which has taken down, via Perez Hilton]

Of course, Michael took it down very quickly, but not before Perez Hilton got a screen cap of the tweets, and posted them. Michael claims an “imposter” tweeted the HIV drama, and that the “imposter” is “now on notice”. On notice? Seriously? Anyway, after the “on notice” crap, Michael then blamed Perez…? He tweeted Perez, telling him “U R the one likely to get AIDS” and that Perez is a “sausage jockey”.

[Screencap of Michael’s Twitter]

Ugh, Twitter is made of fail. And yes, I think Michael actually wrote that his daughter has HIV. And I don’t know what disturbs me more, the idea that Lindsay has HIV, or that Michael would announce it on Twitter. Shiver.

Lindsay at Millions of Milkshakes on April 26, 2010. Lindsay with Perez on March 27, 2010. Micahel with porn star Gina Lynn on April 7, 2010. Credit: WENN.

I don’t mean to be nasty about a young girl’s appearance, but when did Ali Lohan’s eyebrows start looking so rough? I don’t even think it’s a plucking problem – the eyebrows look filled in with a Sharpie. Yikes! Also, I’m just putting this out there: Ali looks like she’s started experimenting with all of the stuff Lindsay uses on a regular basis. Look at Ali’s eyes! Lord have mercy, this family. Anyway, here are Ali and Lindsay at Millions of Cracked Out Milkshakes yesterday.

Meanwhile, the parents of these two upstanding milkshake-aholics are still at war with each other. Honestly, I hate when Dina and Michael start releasing statement after statement after interview about each other and their kids. It makes me hate them both equally, and it becomes clear that neither of them really give a sh-t about their kids.

Michael Lohan is ready to end his war. His war with his ex wife Dina. His war with his daughter Lindsay. His war with daughter Ali. His war with everyone he sees preventing Lindsay from getting help and anyone endangering Ali.

But Michael has one condition: he wants ex-wife Dina and their daughter Ali to sit down with him privately, he told RadarOnline.com.

“If Dina and Ali sit down with me and our lawyers, I’ll handle things in private,” Lohan told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “But if she refuses, then I’m going to go to Child Protective Services in New York and I’ll take Dina to court for other reasons.”

Those other reasons presumably are connected to Ali. Michael brought Sherriff’s deputies to Lindsay’s apartment last week to make a “welfare check” on Ali.

Michael says he has more than 100 audio tapes that will be extremely damaging to Dina and he is threatening to release them.

“If Dina continues to talk and say these things, I’ll release all the tapes,” he said. “I’ll release every last conversation with Dina and let me tell you, they’re not good,” he told RadarOnline.com.

As for Dina’s statements to RadarOnline about Michael wanting a conservatorship in order to get at Lindsay’s money, Lohan says, “From the very beginning, I wanted no part of Lindsay’s finances. If anyone did it was Dina and she took her to the bank. Dina’s been taking commissions for years. I never took one red cent.”

Dina told RadarOnline.com that Michael is a “3-time felon who went to jail because he robbed people of their money.”

To that Michael says, “I’m not a 3-time felon. I never robbed anyone. I went to jail for criminal contempt. Dina must be talking about her brother Paul who just got out of jail for robbing a 9/11 fund for over one million dollars.”

Michael continued to combat more of Dina’s claims, specifically that Lindsay and all of her children have had orders of protection against him for years.

“Lindsay never had a restraining order against me. You can look it up,” Lohan said. “Dina and her family have one against me because I beat up her (relative) for smoking crack cocaine at my son’s first communion party. Our life was fine and we were a close-knit family until Dina and I broke up. It was after our divorce that Dina began to distance Lindsay and my other three children from me.

“She is delusional, she needs help. All I ever wanted was to sit down with Dina and help our children together, first.”

Michael then released a statement saying: “If Dina wants to persist with the lies, denials and false accusations, I WILL release every one of the over 100 tapes I have of her stating the exact opposite of what she has been saying about Me and Lindsay.

“Bottom line is, this is and was about getting Lindsay help and providing Ali with a normal schooling and guidance. Dina has violated these things and more. But if Dina is willing to sit down and work with me to correct the things that need to be corrected, this all stops.

“But if she doesn’t and she continues to lie about me and the situation, I will report her to Child Protective services, take her to court for everything I can and I will prove every one of her lies and her family members for what they are.”

[From Radar]

Blah, blah, and Dina says Michael is so focused on getting guardianship over Lindsay because he’s broke and he needs money, to which I have to say, “Really?” I mean, Lindsay probably has more debt than Michael, so whatever. Oh, and Michael is worried that Lindsay will be “the next Corey Haim”. I’m sure there a lot more to cover, but I don’t really care. I’m still wondering about Ali’s eyebrows.

Ali and Lindsay on April 26, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Another day, another adventure. Except that Lindsay Lohan’s activities shouldn’t be qualified as “adventures” per se, maybe we should refer to them as “cautionary tales.” First up, Lindsay was fired from a new film she was supposed to start work on soon. The film is called The Other Side, and Lindsay was dumped for not being “bankable”. Funny, you would think she was dumped because she was a “train wreck”. Here’s more:

Lindsay Lohan was axed from a movie because she’s not “bankable” — this according a source connected with the production of the flick.

Lindsay was slated to star in “The Other Side,” a movie about a grad student working on a deserted island.

David Michaels, the writer/director, tells TMZ, “Our team simply chose to move on from Lindsay and we’ll soon be announcing a replacement.”

But sources connected with the film tell us the people financing the film were skittish about relying on Lindsay.

The movie also stars Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. And there’s this twist … at one point Brittany Murphy was attached to the movie.

Lindsay’s rep had no comment.

BTW — Lindsay was out at Chateau Marmont and Trousdale Friday night.

[From TMZ]

Lindsay getting dumped from a job is nothing new. Lindsay getting dumped in general is nothing new either – remember Sam Ronson? Lindsay tried to get up in Sam’s grill this week, accusing Sam of spitting in her face. Lindsay later pulled a “just jokes” and tried to act like it didn’t happen. Meanwhile, TMZ caught up with Sam and asked her about Lindsay, and Sam replied “she’s an angry human being” (video here). That’s the harshest Sam would go? Weird.

Anyway, remember how Michael came to Lindsay’s house with some sheriff’s deputies and chaos and crack tweets ensued? Well, Dina finally made a public statement about it, and it’s just… sad:

Dina Lohan is furious that her ex-husband Michael brought the Los Angeles Country Sheriff’s Department to daughter Lindsay’s apartment Thursday – and disputes his claim that the starlet is a bad influence on her younger sister, Ali.

“They scared the hell out of my girls,” Dina tells PEOPLE. “Ali called me hysterically crying. They were hysterical and petrified of him. I spoke to the [police officer] and said, ‘You don’t have a warrant, get out!’

Michael says he called the cops to perform a “welfare check” on daughter Ali, 16, because he was concerned about her safety. “Ali is being exposed to nightlife and the people Lindsay is surrounding herself with,” he told Hollyscoop at the time. She’s 16 and she doesn’t belong there. She’s a minor.”

But Dina says Ali and Lindsay, 23, are perfectly safe.

“Lindsay is absolutely, 100 percent, not [a bad influence],” she says. “Ali is amazing. She loves her sister. Would I let my daughter go anywhere that’s dangerous? I mean, come on, Ali and Lindsay need to be protected from their ex-father. That’s the dangerous situation.”

Though Michael says he wants to help his daughters, Dina thinks that by going public with his concerns, “he’s creating a worse situation for everyone.”

“Michael’s not well,” Dina says. “Nothing he does surprises me. He’s dangerous. He’s not going to be able to [intrude] again and get that close. Ali doesn’t want to see him again. She has a block on her phone because she was so petrified of him”

Bottom line? “He needs to pay child support and leave his kids alone,” Dina says. “I’m not going to sit idle and watch bad things happen to my kids.”

[From People]

Look, I realize Michael sucks. I’ve never said anything different. He’s a disgusting human being, an abuser, a sociopath. But at some point, the whole “Michael is the devil, he’s the one with the problems in this family” argument falls flat. Yes, he has problems. But so does Lindsay, so does Dina, and so does Ali if she continues to spend time within this family.

UPDATE: Oh, sorry about this, I just now saw the backstory on Sam calling Lindsay an “angry human being”. Apparently, Sam and Lindsay were once again at the same club in LA (Trousdale), and Lindsay attacked Sam with a drink. Sam tweeted: “Just got a glass thrown at my head. … Hmmm – wonder who did it?” NYDN sources say: “It was ridiculous. Sam was sitting at a table, and Lindsay came up from behind and tossed an entire drink at her. Sam looked livid but just let it go. Why people even let Lindsay inside their establishments anymore is beyond me.” But the best part is that Lindsay crack tweeted after the incident: “Last night – never again – believe it or not she’s done with the club scene i’ve learned my lesson – sometime’s it just takes a glimpse of reality.”

Lindsay and Ali on April 18, 2010, credit: WENN.

Famewhore dad Michael Lohan showed up at Lindsay Lohan’s Los Angeles apartment today, accompanied by the County Sherriff. The estranged dad of hot mess Lindsay and hot mess-in-training Ali, 16, said he was there to check in on his younger daughter. More than likely, Lohan saw the photographs taken of Lindsay and Ali at Coachella last weekend, in which Lindsay looked totally wasted. He has also heard reports of a car transporting both daughters back from that show that was traveling at speeds of 100 miles an hour.

TMZ has learned the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department just showed up at Lindsay Lohan’s apartment accompanied by Michael Lohan to check on Lindsay’s sister’s welfare.

Sources tell TMZ Michael went to the Sheriff’s Department and said 16-year-old Ali Lohan was staying with Lindsay and he was concerned for her safety.

Lindsay just tweeted she is angry at building management for letting the cops and Michael in.

Michael, we’re told, convinced deputies to go to Lindsay’s pad to do a “welfare check” on Ali.

We’re told Ali was in the apartment and deputies spoke with her. Deputies left and Ali was allowed to stay with Lindsay.

We’re told Michael is now going to the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services, per the advice of the Sheriff’s Department.

Sources say Michael made a “compelling case” to Sheriff’s deputies — we’re told Michael told deputies Ali was in Lindsay’s car on the way back from Coachella and the car was going over 100 mph.

We’re told Dina Lohan wants Lindsay to get a restraining order. Problem is … Michael had the legitimacy of the Sheriff’s Dept. behind him, so it’s unlikely a judge will see it Dina’s way.

We just shot video of Michael leaving the Sheriff’s Department in West Hollywood. We’ll post the interview shortly.

Dina Lohan just told us, “I was told by my attorneys not to speak because it is very serious and my ex could be in big trouble. He’s dangerous…. If he can’t get to them he is going to try to hurt them — it’s not good.”

Story developing…

[From TMZ]

Here’s a link to the video over at TMZ where Michael says that he wants Ali back home with Dina, and that Lindsay is not her guardian.

Look, I can believe that Michael is scary. And they guy has shown time and time again that his “best interest” is really for himself and not his kids. But one of these loser parents should be stepping in here. Why in the world does Dina Lohan think it’s a good idea for her younger daughter to be living with Lindsay, who can’t even manage to show up for a court deposition and is visibly wasted almost nightly? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m on Michael’s side here. While he is a terrible role model, at least he is showing up. When was the last time Dina Lohan even showed her face around her daughters unless it was on a red carpet? Wake up, honey: your kid is going to be dead in a year if she doesn’t get help, and Ali won’t be far behind if she continues to live the lifestyle.

Note by Kaiser: More photos at INFDaily.com. To read Lindsay’s manic crack tweets about the incident, just go to her Twitter.

Photos of Michael & the sheriffs today, April 22, 2010. Credit: INFphoto.com

This week’s Star Magazine has a really amusing article from ex Star employee and weepy wronged Jon Gosselin ex, Kate Major. Major and her new fiance, abusive creep Michael Lohan, pose in a creepy engagement portrait, Michael’s wild eyes searing the camera as if to say “Look, here’s another woman who will have me,” (until I sell her out to the press for a minor perceived wrong.) Kate is blissfully unaware, and judging from an interview I’ve seen with her and her glassy-eyed look I think she gets through her days with help from liquid courage. She tells Star about her wedding plans, as if we care about the details. Kate has already revealed that she plans to have the wedding in the fall and that she wants to have Lohan’s babies. You know that Michael will be trying to sell the wedding and baby photos no matter whether he’s still talking to Kate or not.

The former Star reporter dished about the duo’s plans for their nuptials, which will likely take place in November at Long Island, N.Y.’s Oheka Castle, where Kevin Jonas recently wed.

And it looks like it’s going to be a lavish affair. “I come from a big family, and so does Michael, so it will probably be a very big,” says Kate, 27. “And my dad will walk me down the aisle. He’s so happy that I’m happy, and he gets along great with Michael.”

While Kate is already thinking about her perfect gown – Vera Wang tops her list of designers – she insists she’s no bridezilla. “I guess I’ll have to buy some wedding magazines and start looking now!” she says. “I’m not really girly, so as long as the dress looks good and fits, I’m okay. Something strapless, probably. Nothing froufrou.” Her eight bridesmaids will have gowns that are similarly unfussy. “I’m thinking plum or navy dresses, but that could change at any moment.”

Kate adds that Michael, 50, would love for Lindsay to be a bridesmaid. But she doesn’t know if the star, who has expressed disapproval of the pair, will show up. “I hope that for the sake of her father’s happiness, Lindsay will be in attendance,” says Kate, adding that Michael’s three other kids with ex-wife Dina are invited to be in the wedding party too. “We just want all the people who care about us to be there and have a good time.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, April 26, 2010]

Previously Lindsay said that her father’s engagement made her want to puke, so you can imagine that she might not show up to his actual wedding. Michael will of course try and convince her to come, so that he can sell the exclusive rights to the photos to whichever tabloid will pony up the money. Maybe Lindsay will show up, her pupils tiny pinpricks and a look on her face like she’s about to pass gas, which is how she’s looked for months. Seeing this engagement photo I’m struck by how similar Kate Major and Lindsay look. We’ll already heard that Michael likes strippers that look like Lindsay. Now that Lindsay’s gone off the rails, is it a coincidence that Michael’s girlfriend looks all puffy and drunk too?

This morning, somebody picked Lindsay Lohan’s crackhead off the cocaine-dusted mirror and stapled a note to her bloated lips: “Your daddy is getting married to Kate Major.” When Lindsay awoke to her throbbing lips, she didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until she started snorting last night’s remnants off the mirror that she saw the note. She read it, did the coke, chugged some vodka straight from the bottle, and called up Us Weekly to respond: “I’m gonna vomit…I so didn’t need that info … Yuck!” Thus spoketh The Blohan. Anyway, yes, it’s true! Michael and Kate Major are engaged. Try not to vomit like Lindsay:

Michael Lohan has popped the question to Jon Gosselin’s ex, Kate Major.

“She’s been there for five years with me. I think a friendship is more important than anything when you have a relationship, and this is the strongest one in my life,” Lohan, 49, tells UsMagazine.com.

Lohan says he was waiting for the “situation with Lindsay to resolve” before announcing the engagement. He has been encouraging his troubled daughter to enter rehab.

“[Two weeks ago], I went down to Florida with Kate to visit her dad. I was in a hot tub with her dad at their house, and I said, ‘There’s something we have to talk about.’ He said, ‘Oh my God, don’t tell me Kate’s pregnant!’” Lohan jokes. “I told him I was looking at the future, and I wanted to make it formal and take it to the next level. After that, he approved, then Kate and I discussed it and she discussed it with her dad.”

While Major, 27, isn’t expecting now, she and Lohan do eventually plan to have children. “That’s one of the things I spoke to her dad about. I’m not getting any younger and Kate wants to have children,” Lohan says.

Of the engagement, Major tells Us, “I’m really happy.”

She’s already started planning.

“I have talked to some of the bridesmaids and we have discussed having the wedding later this year. It’s going to be at Oheka Castle in New York. But right now, I’m just enjoying being engaged… We’re really excited!”

Plus, Major tells Us, “The ring is gorgeous!”

She hasn’t received well wishes from Gosselin yet. “Jon and I don’t speak, but I wish him and Kate Gosselin the best,” Major tells Us.

[From Us Weekly]

Yeah, they’re not getting married. Michael will f-ck it up, but something tells me that whackadoodle Kate Major will cling to his wife-beating dumbass until he dumps her. I like how Michael has already given himself an out – he’s going to wait to get married until “the situation with Lindsay” gets “resolved”. But a cold chill went down my spine at the news that Kate wants to have Michael’s Mesh Shirt Babies. UGH.

As Kaiser reported earlier this morning, Michael Lohan held some kind of asinine one man press conference yesterday begging his daughter Lindsay to get help for what he claims is a prescription drug addiction. (I’m basically reporting the same story in my way, having written this whole thing before seeing Kaiser’s draft. I don’t want to scrap my work and we take much different perspectives on the story, so it’s worth publishing too.)

We’ve heard all kinds of reports that Lindsay is in desperate need of help and it seems to be true just based on an outsider’s perspective. She looks glassy eyed and high in just about every picture, she recently fell into a cactus during a night out in which she was photographed sleeping in her car, and she’s been in deep denial about her issues – claiming that she’s “working and healthy.” What it is she’s working on is unclear. When she’s not in a public spat and defending herself against all perceived slights she’s either crawling out of bars or shopping.

Lindsay’s mother defends her daughter by infantilizing her and repeatedly calls her a child. Lindsay does the same thing, and recently asked George Lopez if he had children after he talked smack about her on his show. It’s as if she thinks she’s above reproach because she’s just a kid making honest mistakes. Lindsay will be 24 in July, and she needs to stop thinking of herself as this helpless child. She’s a drug addict and needs to take responsibility for her actions. Unfortunately by publicly shaming her, her dad is only pushing her further away.

A “friend” of Lindsay’s who claims to be her business partner (Dina?) told Radar Online that Michael’s actions were “inappropriate” and that “public judgments” affect Lindsay personally and mess up a bunch of projects she’s working on. Mmmhmm. Lindsay’s mom also used the old “Lindsay’s a child” argument to TMZ.

Here’s what Michael said and how Lindsay’s “friend” and mom responded:

Michael Lohan’s ‘press conference’
“People around her that know Lindsay know she’s not ok,” Lohan said. “I get calls from some of her closest friends when they’re out with her during the night. I don’t want her to be a statistic. The press is already writing obits for her. How sick is that?”

“Extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures,” Lohan said. “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted…in difficult times she reaches out to me for help. Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’ This is not about publicity. I’m beat up in the press. It hurts the people around me.”

“If you’re an enabler, get the hell out of the way,” he said. “If Lindsay won’t sit down privately, my attorneys and I will take other measures. I just hope Lindsay is accommodating. Lindsay needs a private setting where she can detox and get individual and family therapy. That’s the program I have in place. It’s here on Long Island. I’m sick and tired of all the nonsense.”

Lindsay’s ‘friend’ responds
“As one of Lindsay’s closest friends, business partner, and former day-to-day manager… the news of any type of press conference saddens me for the simple fact that this is her FATHER. I normally do not comment or engage publicly, but it is important for people to understand how inappropriate today’s actions are. As far as the media, public, and fans are concerned; Lindsay is working on numerous projects and anyone who makes public judgments of her, it affects her more than personally. It affects her ability to do more work and prosper in all regards. I stand by my friend, always have and always will.”

Dina Lohan: Lindsay’s a child
“I have a criminal protective order against him ’til 2011. He’s 1 year behind in child support and he’s using this [Lindsay's problems] as a diversion.”

“Lindsay is in good hands. Everything is fine. He’s trashing a child he doesn’t even see.”

[Compiled from two reports on Radar Online and one on TMZ]

Lindsay really has her work cut out for her with that man as a father. That said, I agree that she needs to go to rehab. I’ve seen friends get addicted to prescription painkillers and it’s insidious and can be deadly. She’s not going to be able to change until she’s ready, though, and if she goes to rehab now it’s like her dad has won. This tactic isn’t going to work at all, but it’s more about Michael and his need for publicity anyway. He’s already released really sad private phone calls with his weeping daughter. He’s never had her best interests at heart.

Also, I would just like to say that I’ve told Kaiser to take it a little easier on Lindsay and to stop casually calling her a crack addict. (Kaiser has changed a little, but she has her style and I respect that. Plus, I can have a stick up my ass and Kaiser is funnier than I am.) It’s not like I feel sorry for the girl – she made her bed – but I’m honestly worried that she’s going to die. I felt horrible for ever ripping on Heath Ledger after he passed unexpectedly, and as Lindsay’s dad has pointed out a lot of people wouldn’t be surprised if she overdosed.

Why can’t I stop laughing at this? Laughing at this disaster, this train wreck, this systemic insanity makes me a horrible person. I need a good slap. Okay, here’s the story: everyone (in the media) seemed to decide all at once that Lindsay Lohan is doing really, really poorly. Just my opinion: Yes, Lindsay isn’t doing well, but I’ve been following her cracked-out activities for years, and she doesn’t really seem any better or worse than usual, for what it’s worth.

Anyway, so now that “everyone” is in agreement about Lindsay, her dad decided to do a big press conference asking Lindsay to “get help”. In nearly every case, a father imploring his daughter to help herself would break my heart. But Michael Lohan isn’t your average case. Michael issues a litany of excuses for why he has to go public, rather than trying to approach Lindsay privately: “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted.” That’s it. That’s the extent of “every possible way”. He’s made a few calls. He sent her a couple of texts. Way to bust your ass for your flesh and blood, douche. As for the last time he did speak to her? “Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’” Daddy, I need a bodyguard to protect me from cacti! DADDY WHY DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME?!? Why can’t I stop laughing? *slaps self*

Michael Lohan addressed the public in a live press conference on Tuesday where he implored his oldest child, Linday Lohan, to get help for her various problems.

Dressed in a suit in his attorney’s office in New York, Lohan blamed the people in Lindsay’s inner circle for enabling her partying and alleged prescription drug addiction.

“People around her that know Lindsay know she’s not ok,” Lohan said. “I get calls from some of her closest friends when they’re out with her during the night. I don’t want her to be a statistic. The press is already writing obits for her. How sick is that?”

Michael begged the media not to judge him for reaching out publicly to his daughter time and time again.

“Extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures,” Lohan said. “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted…in difficult times she reaches out to me for help. Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’ This is not about publicity. I’m beat up in the press. It hurts the people around me.”

Michael says he plans to return to Los Angeles “in a week or two” where he wants to sit down with Lindsay and her lawyer Shawn Chapman Holly and convince her to go to rehab.

“If you’re an enabler, get the hell out of the way,” he said. “If Lindsay won’t sit down privately, my attorneys and I will take other measures. I just hope Lindsay is accommodating. Lindsay needs a private setting where she can detox and get individual and family therapy. That’s the program I have in place. It’s here on Long Island. I’m sick and tired of all the nonsense.”

[From Radar]

First: a father who was genuinely concerned about his daughter’s well-being would be able to confirm a hard date for when he was going to be in town, you know? None of this, “in a week or two” business. Second: Can you imagine trying to detox around Michael? If I had to spend a full day with this man, I would become an alcoholic. So no, I don’t think Lindsay should do detox in Long Island. I think if she ever gets clean, it will be because she screwed up big-time, and the rehab was court-ordered. I for one am praying that if and when Lindsay does screw up majorly, it’s not because she killed some innocent person crossing the street or something.

Michael Lohan was rushed to the hospital yesterday with chest pain, and his spokesperson/girlfriend/drunken ex-Jon Gosselin hookup, Kate Major, claims that he suffered a heart attack. As Michael K. at D-Listed reports, you just know that Lohan is going to use this as an excuse to spout off to any celebrity outlet that will pay his fee. He doesn’t have any phone tapes left to sell and he’s going to capitalize on his medical issue. That’s not to say that I don’t wish him a full recovery, I just don’t want to hear from the guy ever again. He’s a nasty person who picks fights with everyone he’s ever claimed to care about. Don’t they say that you’re supposed to avoid stress and strife after a heart attack? I would imagine that a prolonged petty legal battle with your ex would only add to that.

Lindsay Lohan’s dad had a heart attack today, according to his girlfriend/non-doctor Kate Major.

Michael Lohan was taken to a hospital in New York after suffering chest pains that radiated to his arms. Kate says an EKG showed evidence of a heart attack.

Kate says Michael is at St. Francis Hospital in Manhasset. She says Michael will undergo a “procedure” but wasn’t specific.

Back on March 6, Michael suffered chest pains and was told by his doctor that he needed a heart catheterization.

[From TMZ]

A near death experience isn’t going to change Michael Lohan. He’ll just use this heart attack as an excuse to fuel his anger at every perceived slight brought on by his insufferable personality. Fingers crossed that he goes away for a long time to a spiritual retreat in a remote area without Internet access or cell phone reception.