Heidi Montag has a time-traveling Christian movie called Assassin 33 AD

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Remember how excited we all were that Heidi Pratt née Montag was pursuing a music career? No, not her pop music career that gave us powerful social statements like Superficial, in which she crafted the poignant lyrics, “I know that I wear diamonds for breakfast, and I know this isn’t helpful.” I was referring to her reimagined music career as a techno-pop Christian singer with nothing but positive messages. The one where she rethought her stance on diamonds, saying “they say diamonds last forever, I say only time will tell.” Man, look at that growth. Well, anyway… forget about all that because Heidi has moved on with her acting career! Yay! What, you ask, is her latest role? Let’s let Heidi herself tell us:

[From Twitter via DListed]

There you go – it’s about time travelers who go back to kill Jesus Christ (and we are supposed to believe the ‘virus’ is the reason this thing failed to launch). Just out of curiosity – do I need to spell out who is trying to erase J.C.? Hint, they aren’t white Christians like Spencer and Heidi. Still curious? Here’s the official trailer:

Let’s see, what did we notice: first of all, as CB pointed out that font is dangerously close to the Assassin Creed font. Like litigation-ly close. Second, those tag lines in the film, WTH? “Nominated best screenplay in more international film festivals than any other in history”? “Winner of more than 50 international screenplay awards”? Did Trump write the presser for this thing? Third, where’s Heidi? As DListed pointed out, she’s number two on the cast list, shouldn’t that get her at least a cut-to in the trailer? Either her role is such a pivotal plat twist that she can’t be shown, or her acting was such that they couldn’t even edit her into the trailer in a plausible way. Lawd, I can only hope she’s a head scientist. Nothing would bring me more joy than listening to Heidi trying to handle involved technical/scientific jargon. Of course, considering it looks like they are suggesting that they achieved time travel through an ethernet cable, I’m not going to place too much value in the technical aspects of the film.

Honestly, I could make jokes about this all day long, but ultimately, this is just more extremist Christian propaganda trying to convince a world already plagued (literally) that all the non-white people in the world would use every resource available to commit the ultimate harm, if they could. Pass. Even with the conciliatory “he will be remembered as a great prophet, but not the son of God,” line, this is looking to do much more harm than good. That and the flipping expository dialogue is killing me. If I don’t drink enough to give CATS a try, I certainly don’t drink enough to wade into this mess.

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16 Responses to “Heidi Montag has a time-traveling Christian movie called Assassin 33 AD”

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  1. BountyHunter says:

    It’s the next “Gone With the Wind.” (Christ in a helicopter… shakes head).

  2. Eleonor says:

    Razzie award academy: Ladies, Gentlemen we have a winner.

    • manda says:

      Would THIS even be quality enough for them? I mean, the razzies don’t go for, like, straight to video stuff, do they? They have SOME standards, right?

  3. Lisa says:

    Hot mess but I expected nothing less.

  4. Mia4s says:

    “ do I need to spell out who is trying to erase J.C.? Hint, they aren’t white Christians”

    I watched the trailer because I honestly was debating whether they’d gone with Anti-Semitic or Islamaphobic. Islamaphobic…bold move Cotton.

    She’s second billed but no shots in the trailer? So the next question is how much money did she invest in the film? OMG what if she’s playing the Virgin Mary?!!! 😂

    • Mel says:

      I couldn’t see anything beyond that! The islamophobia was just…astounding.

    • pottymouth pup says:

      “It’s the ultimate jihad” JFC this is absolutely reprehensible and her pride at being in a movie with this message should be used against her and MTV/VH-1 since her “comeback” is par & parcel with the re-boot of the hills.

  5. Ash says:

    “He will be remembered as a great prophet, but not the son of God”

    Wow, such depth. And also, man, what a lot of wasted effort having to time travel to achieve something that the Koran actually already says – and, presumably, based on the other assumptions this cinematic masterpiece is making, what the probably Muslim guy saying this statement already believes himself.

  6. Sean says:

    I noticed they also depict Jesus as having been a white guy. Megyn Kelly is going to love this!

    I don’t know what else to say. How much do you want to bet when they go back in time, everyone will speak modern English and not Aramaic?

    I also tried Googling the production company, Timed Out Productions and I can’t find an official web site just a generic Facebook page that may not even be for the same company. From looking at IMDB and MetaCritic, this is their only production. Now I’m wondering if this is a money laundering scheme. That’s the only explanation I can think of why this would receive enough financial backing to get made.

  7. Insomniac says:

    That should only be viewed with three little silhouetted heads in the bottom right corner taking the piss out of it.

    • whatWHAT? says:

      I love that show.

    • buenavissta says:

      Thanks for the first laugh I’ve had today!
      You got me thinking that MST3K would be a brilliant add to the White House Lie Broadcasts. I mean, press conferences.

    • Alexander says:

      Lol, I was thinking “I hope Rifftrax or Frank Coniff and Trace Beaulieu (the Mads) do an live show of this “masterpiece” they do one of Gods Not Dead for some convention and I heard it was very funny.

  8. Onnit says:

    I love her in all her plastic glory! But those giant b@@b implants don’t seem particularly Christian.

  9. Jules says:

    I love that she is honored to be part of such an epic movie lol!

  10. Mustlovedogs says:

    I had to read her comment twice. And both times I read-
    “I was honored to be in such a terrible movie…” lol