The Cambridges’ pandemic train tour was bashed by a Scottish columnist

The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge Visit Communities Across The UK

You can always tell when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge screw up really badly and everybody knows it. What happens when they screw up? There is a 24-48 hour flurry of royal commentators dutifully spouting palace talking points and trying to nonsensically sprinkle sugar over the Tweedlekeens’ dumbf–kery, and then everyone goes silent as the grave. It’s like they think if they go quiet, people will forget. It happened recently with Kate’s asinine Five Big Insights launch – after the flurry of busywork and sugary coverage, no one said sh-t for an entire week about it. Same with William’s disclosure that he concealed having coronavirus back in March/April – a quick flurry of PR, followed by complete silence.

So it is with the Tweedlekeens’ ridiculous Keen Pandemic Choo Choo Tour this week. There were maskless appearances, and a handful of sugary articles about their body language, or how great it is that they speak to peasants, or they’re no longer “under attack” from Meghan’s existence. Then the sugary narratives dried up and all we have now is silence from the old-guard royal commentators, and only a handful of actual truth-tellers who will even bother to speak about how stupid the Keen Tour was. The Scottish Daily Record columnist Annie Brown is one of those truth tellers. She did a column on Wednesday about the tour – here are some highlights:

We get that they have been stuck in with the weans but they need to switch off Peppa Pig and watch the news. Bootlicker Boris Johnson welcomed the “morale boost” the tour would provide – to the virus presumably. But the couple rolled into Scotland this week, as welcome as a persistent cough. First Minister Nicola Sturgeon was criticised by royalists for not bowing and scraping with the zeal of a Blackadder minion.

The Scottish Government had made it clear that under current lockdown restrictions it is illegal to travel between England and Scotland without a valid reason. The exception to the rule includes travelling for work. In case the couple are reading – work is an activity, such as a job, requiring effort, usually for money but rarely a personal train.

The parasite express has ploughed through the lockdown tiers, with a full team of lackeys, despite it being an offence to travel between Level 3 or Level 4 local authorities. In Edinburgh the pair stopped off to talk to hospital staff and patients, some of whom were glad to have spoken to them. They thanked a hospital cleaner, telling her that she was “one of the most important people in the whole organisation”. Hopefully her bucket was nearby. Kate who changes designer coats, the way we change our pants, was wearing an outfit which cost more than months of wages for a cleaner.

Wales was equally rapturous about their visit, with the Welsh government again emphasising the restrictions. For the Welsh leg, Kate wore a £1500 kilt and tartan scarf, possibly because she thinks Wales is in Scotland. The couple toasted marshmallows at a market stall, which any passing miner must have recognised as definitely “work”. Touching a marshmallow with her gloved hand, Kate said: “I’m going to have that marshmallow on my fingers all day” – reassuringly hygienic in a pandemic.

The trip also shows a total disregard for the rest of us being cooped up like it’s Colditz, while being separated from loved ones. William and Kate visited the elderly in care homes, which most relatives have been unable to do. And they unwrapped secret Santa presents with students – on which there was a spending limit of £10. By way of explanation, Kate, a spending limit is… oh never mind.

We shouldn’t be surprised at the idiocy and arrogance of the tour, given William accused the media of being over- dramatic when Covid hit the UK in March. He was then on a tour of Ireland and asked a paramedic: “Is it being a little bit hyped up do you think in the media?” He faked mock horror and said: “By the way, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are spreading coronavirus, Sorry.” You said it Wills. Sadly, there will never be a vaccine to protect us from royal dullards.

[From The Scottish Daily Record]

This was a piping hot cup of tea. And it also shows me that my gut-feeling about the politics of the Tweedlekeens’ tour was dead-on – the tour really hurt the relations between England and Scotland, and it’s a bad look to see some hereditary peers verbally browbeat Nicole Sturgeon because she wasn’t sycophantic to two “royal dullards.” William and Kate’s tour was poorly thought-out, poorly executed, and actively harmful at every level, scientifically, diplomatically, politically.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are visiting Cardiff Castle to meet local univ

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, visit Holy Trinity Church of England First School in Berwick-Upon-Tweed

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge  travelled on the royal train across the UK ahead of the Christmas holidays to pay tribute to the incredible work of individuals and organisations that have gone above and beyond in response to the coronavirus pandemicatl

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Backgrid.

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82 Responses to “The Cambridges’ pandemic train tour was bashed by a Scottish columnist”

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  1. Space Geek says:

    That is hilarious, I didn’t realise that Kaiser is a fellow Scot and writes under the pseudonym of Annie Brown 🤣 👌

    • Steph says:

      These two are definitely soul sisters. 😆

    • Bibi says:

      How refreshing to read a column like this coming from the other side of the Atlantic ocean. I’m sure that little train ride got cut short to 48Hrs because they were too ridiculous, and got a good read of the room in the first 24hrs. lol Yall, it was supposed to be 3 days! that last red coat was supposed to be the ending 3rd day coat but she wore it in Wales to give us a big WOW factor before the end. zzzzz

    • Missskitttin says:

      What a delicious cup of morning tea! Loved it!

  2. Wiglet Watcher says:

    I hope more articles like this come out. It was brilliant. To Kate’s unhygienic comment. To expecting praise for existing. To William’s comments on Covid-19 not being a big deal. To the poor planning. To all the optics of even visiting high risk seniors. Shame on them. This whole tour was said to be a bad idea before it launched. They deserve the backlash.

  3. Zaya says:

    That piece was brilliant no cap. Everyone should read it in it’s entirety.

  4. Ang says:

    Dullard is one of my favorite words

    • kelleybelle says:

      Mine too!

    • BayTampaBay says:

      I am partial to Walmart & Kmart, The Tweedlekeens myself!

      • Where'sMyTiara says:

        Walmart & Kmart? LMAO never heard that one before. I just laughed myself sick.
        Good one!

        I think this whole “tour” is hilaribad – they were obviously sent by Petty Betty to renew interest in the BRF & a united UK… and it backfired SPLENDIDLY!

        What, First Minister not bowing and scraping enough? Gee, must be because she’s a bit preoccupied, what with handling a pandemic and PLANNING FOR A NEW INDY VOTE

        Not surprised they ticked off Wales either. From friends, I’ve been hearing that YesCymru, the Welsh Independence movement, has been gaining followers recently. They had over 1000 new members join in less than a month.

        I suspect it’s all crumbling around their ears and that by the time Chaz’s reign comes to an end, Wills will only be head of “Little Britain”.

    • Darkmatter says:

      Also “parasite express” 🤣😂😅

    • Golly Gee says:

      Bootlicker Boris. 🤣
      And so many excellent zingers. My faves:
      “Johnson welcomed the “morale boost” the tour would provide – to the virus presumably. But the couple rolled into Scotland this week, as welcome as a persistent cough. ”
      “Wales was equally rapturous about their visit, with the Welsh government again emphasising the restrictions. For the Welsh leg, Kate wore a £1500 kilt and tartan scarf, possibly because she thinks Wales is in Scotland”

  5. Sofia says:

    Wow. That was… not nice lol. But in all seriousness, I’m not surprised at people being pissed at this trip.

    Again, good idea but just very, very bad timing.

    • ArtHistorian says:

      Any person living in the real world would have known that this tour would be poorly received at the present moment. However, the BRF has never lived in the real world and the Cambridges seemingly don’t listen to advice or only have sycophantic yes men around them. That is why the royals are so goddamn tone-deaf – and the Cambridges (the future of the monarchy) have just shown that they are equally tone-deaf as their clueless elders. For months, there have been stories about rich people repeatedly flouting restrictions – anyone who follow the news, live in the real world and have some common sense would know that this tour could only be an own goal in terms of PR.

      • Nic919 says:

        This tour was no different than trump doing super spreader rallies seeking praise. There was no value whatsoever. It was all for PR and showing how careless they are with respect to the lives of others.

      • ArtHistorian says:


        This tour was such a massively stupid idea – like I said above, anyone living in the real world would know that it would be poorly received that a couple of members of the ultimately symbol of privilege flouting COVID restrictions, even in the guise of “raising public spirits”. It makes me wonder if anyone at all cautioned the Cambridges against it, or whether everyone just tugged their forelocks and said “yes your Royal Highnesses”.

      • Totally agree, ArtHistorian. And that photo of maskless Kate bent over in the faces of those maskless children is a total PR disaster in my opinion. I also notice that no one is showing pictures or talking about the hoards of peasants that came out to worship them. Could it be that there was barely anyone at any of their stops? Much better would have been to do something on Zoom or YouTube and fundraised in some way for the front line workers they were “thanking.” Not following lockdown protocols and potentially serving as a superspreader across 3 countries does not seem to me to be a thank you a weary frontline worker would want.

    • yinyang says:

      Even Biden during elections times didn’t tour like this in the midst of the pandemic, and even he had a purpose to be out there. Throwing caution to the wind and doing this was pure stupidity.

  6. minx says:

    If anyone reads the Daily Beast, they had a good analysis of how and why the tour flopped.

    • Becks1 says:

      Is it behind their paywall? I like their stories but all the good ones are behind the pay wall lol.

    • MaryContrary says:

      I thought he could have been way more critical of the tour in general rather than just discussing the Scottish and Welsh reactions to it. It wasn’t super hard hitting, imo.

    • anotherlily says:

      Could you give us the highlights? I’m sure the palace press office has read it.

      My feeling is that Charles will use this to force the changes he tried to make a few years ago when he established one central office for all the Households. His plan was that they should work cooperatively. They didn’t and it ended with them simply moving their offices back. He’s effectively Regent now and with allegations about Andrew, about the treatment of the Sussexes and now this disastrous tour, he’s in a strong position. I think the separate Households will be merged, at least for official duties and press relations. The leaks from KP will be, or have already been stopped.

      • Becks1 says:

        Someone quoted a reporter yesterday who made a similar comment – that the whole “magnificent 7″ or whatever photo shoot was actually meant to show a new
        “slimming down” and I think that meant the offices are definitely going to be combined. at this point the funding for KP seems stupid considering how little they actually do.

  7. JT says:

    This article was amazing. I think I’m going to save to look back on when I need a chuckle. I loved when Annie attempted to explain a spending limit to Kate. Pure gold. In all seriousness, this pandemic tour was a mess and it was a failure and quite pOLiTiCal. The only people who think it was successful were W&K. Even Bojo had the sense to distance himself before he got a talking to.

    • ArtHistorian says:

      This reminds me of Andrew thinking that his disastrous interview actually went well – until it was broadcast and the shit hit the fan. The Windsors are really all dumb and clueless.

  8. Amy Bee says:

    School closes today so this tour was supposed the Cambridges’ triumphant final engagement for 2020. All that’s left is the family Christmas card and KP 2020 review video. I wonder if KP is brainstorming a last minute zoom call to make up for this PR disaster. I’m sure there won’t be any December 31, 2020 announcement like there was last year which was done in an effort to compete with the Sussexes.

    • JT says:

      Are the Cambridge kids really in school though? There was never any confirmation that they were, even as other children had to go back.

      • Amy Bee says:

        When they returned to KP, it was so that George and Charlotte could go to school and remember when they were promoting Attenborough’s Netflix documentary, the children did that video where they were wearing their school uniforms.

      • RoyalBlue says:

        JT the children probably remoted in to classes and wore uniforms. I don’t think they are risking the future of the crown interacting with plebs to get these silly pesky viruses.

      • Nic919 says:

        Well apparently they dragged the kids out to a panto and they weren’t wearing make while surrounded by others. And before people say it was outside, there was no proper social distancing from the video I saw. So crazy. This type of thing is not allowed in Canada and our covid rates are a fraction of the UK, even using per capita data.

      • Becks1 says:

        @nic – I’m assuming we are going to have a post about that over the weekend or on Monday so I’m not going to say ALL my thoughts rights now lol, but damn, they are predictable. Its like clockwork.

      • Nic919 says:

        I won’t say more. I just hope Kaiser sees the video of them pushing out the kids of essential workers so the Cambridges can trot through and pose maskless on the red carpet.

        I will have lots to say on that.

      • Lorelei says:

        @Nic and Becks: SAME. There will probably be a post tomorrow and I’m sure we all have quite a few comments about that sh!tshow! I can’t wait for Kaiser’s summary of that entire thing.

    • windyriver says:

      Harry just did a Zoom call with young people from WellChild, so I expect at least one more online something soon from KP, if only to try and outdo H&M, as per their usual behavior.

    • Amy Bee says:

      I must admit, I was partially joking when I said KP would be brainstorming to make up for the Royal train tour disaster. KP went for the tried and true tactic – bring out the children.

  9. Becks1 says:

    That article was just *chefs kiss* from top to bottom. “work is an activity,” “parasite express,” the cost of Kate’s clothes, the part about Kate thinking Wales was in Scotland….its just hilarious but also scathing. It encapsulates so much of what we have been saying here this week.

  10. Eleonor says:

    “work is an activity, such as a job, requiring effort, usually for money but rarely a personal train.” For further questions ask Carole Middleton.

  11. Snuffles says:

    All that fuss over The Crown. They are perfectly capable of destroying their reputations themselves.

  12. Monica says:

    It warms my shriveled black heart to see how no one bought the Keens’ glorified pap stroll.

  13. MF1 says:

    “Kate who changes designer coats, the way we change our pants, was wearing an outfit which cost more than months of wages for a cleaner.”

    Oof, this is brutal and I am *here* for it.

    • Nic919 says:

      Digital Unicorn clarified in a post yesterday that pants is being used as the britishism for underwear. So it’s even more brutal.

    • February-Pisces says:

      She changed her coat atleast 3 times a day during that tour, so she really did change them more times than most people change their pants (underwear).

  14. Zapp Brannigan says:

    “They thanked a hospital cleaner, telling her that she was “one of the most important people in the whole organisation”. Hopefully her bucket was nearby”

    This is just mwah, perfect!

  15. MaryContrary says:

    We all realize how stupid and tone deaf this tour was-but there are still plenty of people out there who thought it was just lovely. If you read the GFYO site (which I usually enjoy) there are slews of Kate-stans who think it was a perfectly great idea.

    • Nic919 says:

      Omg I clicked on it for torture I guess because so many idiots praising the hair and coats and not even discussing the entire super spreader nature of it. It’s no different than the trump super spreader rallies but these fools can’t admit that.

    • Sunday says:

      I stopped visiting that site because their perspective on Meghan is warped and unhinged and the comments are equally as sick. Sucks bc it was great otherwise but reading their takes on Meghan sort of felt like a twilight zone episode where the people all seem totally normal and then you realize their eyes blink vertically or something.

    • Lorelei says:

      I wonder if all of those people truly believe what they’re saying, or if they’re just so conditioned to the whole “Kate v. Meghan” nonsense and feel compelled to praise and defend Kate at all times. You can’t tell me that *none* of them had concerns about maskless visits with children. Or maybe they truly are that ignorant, which is scary.

  16. TeamAwesome says:

    This column is an absolute treasure.

  17. Nic919 says:

    This writer is a spiritual sister to the commenters here. A scathing and beautifully written piece of work.

    Also it seems Richard Eden and Victoria Murphy were somewhat critical of this tour in a passive kind of way on Palace Confidential. There is a video clip going around Twitter and they are surprisingly not praising this fiasco. That’s how bad it is.

    • Amy Bee says:

      Yeah, some mild criticism but by people who are not the Daily Mail royal correspondent/editor. Rebecca English would never.

  18. Alexandria says:

    Hahahahha!!! Somebody call an ambulance cos these 2 got burned.

    Can we have more articles from Scotland and Wales please lmao

    • trashaddict says:

      Very low tolerance for bollocks and toeing the line. Makes me quite proud of my Scottish heritage.

  19. Sunday says:

    Incredible! Spectacular! 5 stars! 10/10! Give Annie Brown the Pulitzer!

    I generally avoid hyperbolic internet-speak like ‘screaming,’ but READER, I SCREAMED reading this. Dennis Rodman has had more successful diplomatic missions in North Korea than the Cambridges have had in their own damn kingdom. hahahahahaha I may never stop laughing.

  20. Wendy says:

    This article was very funny as well – starts with Matt Hancock but then gets to the train tour -

  21. AnnaKist says:

    Ooooh, owwwwch! Im here for this. A gold star to the author. ⭐️
    “… bowing and scraping with the zeal of a Blackadder minion.” I laughed so loudly I scared awake our sleeping pup, who yipped and yapped with fright.

  22. yinyang says:

    Omg. This column was great. More from them, please!

  23. Tiffany says:

    Okay, the blue coat in the last pic on this story, yeah, it was designed to be worn with gloves. It has been scratching my brain because of the length of the sleeves. Kate, this is why you should just pay a stylist. They would have told you this.

    Oh, and Annie Brown told no lie in her article.

  24. elfie says:

    The utter cluelessness of that family never fails to amaze me. I can’t think of a single time when any of them have ever got it right when faced with the reality of life for the peasants.

  25. L84Tea says:

    Why can’t Annie Brown be the all thing royals commentator? That was simply beautiful. I hope so badly that W&K–especially Kate–read this.

  26. Mia says:

    Does anyone know if Annie Brown has a work twitter or social media we can support? I tried tweeting the newspaper but no luck :(
    I love her writing lol, Kaiser has a twin!

  27. Gail says:

    🤣🤣. This is so up Kaiser alley. You two should team up and make sure the entire world can read these articles. I really think E news could use you . Call your show tell it like it really is 😂

  28. Joy says:

    This is perhaps the best thing I’ve ever read. My god, brutal and SPOT ON.

  29. Dee Kay says:

    I’m not Scottish but I am rooting for a new Scottish referendum on independence and for that vote to go yes this time. Free Scotland!!! If the stupid train tour helped with that effort, then great.

  30. CC says:

    Omg you all said they would bring out the kids after that train failure and they have

  31. I am glad this author did not treat Tweedlekeens with kids glove. They really are detached from reality even if it hits them gobsmack in d face. The write is giving me life, I literally cackle 😂😁

  32. Sarah says:

    Wow, this is SAVAGE and I’m here for it. Don’t think I disagree with anything she says. Thank you for sharing it with us!

  33. L4frimaire says:

    Yeah this tour was not only bad timing and a bad look, but it looked like it was more about patting themselves on the back than thanking frontline workers. It really did nothing that useful while spending a lot of public money traveling in a diesel spewing relic. It really illustrates the “do as I say, not as I do ethos”. Going back to Williams comment in March about COVID-19 being overhyped in the media, as well as the tone- deafness and lack of specific purpose to this trip, it shows he is very ill-informed. Either he’s not paying attention to hard news or government briefings, and just lacks diplomatic skills and tact. How can he not see that people are frustrated with all the restrictions and disregard mask mandates, especially with the virus still raging. He comes across as one of those fake news types, buried in royal gossip and his Sussex grudge match.

  34. The Recluse says:

    Extra points for the Blackadder reference! Hahahahahaha!

  35. KW says:

    Don’t know if it’s been said above but this woman is my new best friend. Great read, I enjoyed that ripper and I hope it did the job. Great FFKeen, finally giving the Scots the mic drop and walk. Hey, they pushed the kids out tonight to try and do the smoke and mirrors. These two are pathetic. Ugh

  36. Godwina says:

    That Scottish article is the best thing I’ve read online in weeks. REAL wit.