Gwyneth Paltrow recently filmed a Beauty Secrets routine video for Vogue in which she documented her morning routine. To her credit, the first few minutes don’t cost you any money. It’s all about smoothies, mediation, dry brushing and centering yourself. Then she launches into the products and my bank account drained just listening to her. However, I will say, you can visibly see her skin tightening after she applies the eye patches and uses her gold-plated vibrating bar. So I guess I have to go rob a bank.
However, Apple Martin, Gwyneth’s 16-year-old daughter, gave us her own take on her mom’s morning routine and it was far more entertaining. Goop has joined TikTok and to keep up with the kids, they turned the reigns over to Apple for the day. Apple’s response? To roast her mother and her Goop-tastic empire. Here’s a taste of Apple’s commentary:
In case you can’t click the video, Vanity Fair gives a brief breakdown of Apple’s comments:
In the clip posted to Goop’s official TikTok account, Martin explains that Paltrow starts every day with the Goop Glow Morning Skin Superpowder, which the website describes as “a power shot of antioxidants and nutrients designed to reduce the free radical effects of the sun, pollution, stress, and more.” Martin jokes that, “She eats nothing except for dates and almond butter, so she will have that,” adding, “I suppose the Goop Glow is a part of her cleanse, which she’s been on since…the day I was born, apparently.”
After breakfast, it’s time for the Goop founder to embark on her serious skincare regimen. The camera follows Paltrow into her large, sun-lit bathroom where she begins to apply various serums and lotions. The teen explains, “It’s 8 a.m., and she’s been doing this since 7 a.m. She just prances around the bathroom, putting on her millions of Goop Glow products for her glowing skin.” Once that rigorous routine is all wrapped up, Paltrow types away at her laptop as Martin jokes, “Then she gets to work, making some more vagina eggs. And candles, also vagina candles, and vagina perfumes. Just everything vagina.”
I agree with Kaiser that Goop seems to be a good mom and she and Apple appear to have a solid relationship. And I am encouraged to see Apple making light of the cleanses and Gwyneth’s restrictive diets because it means that Apple is not subjected to them. She may also be commenting on the public’s perception of her mother’s Goop persona in which case, well played, Apple.
Apple poked fun at her mother’s Vagina Egg-filled agenda last year as well. I actually commend Gwyneth for her kids’ comfort level with discussing sex and sexuality. The fact that Apple can so freely have a go at her mom on the subject is healthy. It’s not slowing Gwyneth down, certainly. She just sent Kim Kardashian her own curated Box of Tricks in light of her impending divorce. The box contained a Goop vibrator, some sex gel and a candle named This Smells Like Kim’s Orgasm that I want absolutely no more information on. So Apple might not be too far off, Gwyneth does seem to spend a great deal of time making vagina-related candles. But, as many outlets have pointed out, Apple also recently posted her own Morning Routine video filled with Goop products – none of which involved candles or private parts – so she obviously supports the brand as much as she makes fun of it.
Photo credit: Instagram
woo, gwynnie has some sun damage on her chest!! in that way, she’s just like me
Yeah … I guess applying your sunscreen only on your cheekbones or whatever like bronzer, as she recommended in her last video, isn’t actually going to protect you.
When you write a snarky piece about a celebrity it’s nice not to proof it.
“mediation”?
OMG. That was the first thing I notice in that photo of Goop and Apple together in a lounger. So much damage to her face and chest. Whoa.
Good thing I’m so fair, I can’t tan anyway, so that shouldn’t be a problem for me. Also, does anyone else think Apple looks a lot like Chris Martin?
I’m glad the kids have Chris as their dad. Between him + Gwyneth I think he is much more talented/good at what he does.
You can still get sun damage in the form of freckles and hyperpigmentation all over your face and body.
They both have vagendas.
I’ll never get Goop’s constant cleansing yet she’s like, “Yes to baking in the sun! Yes to cigarettes!” What a nut.
There has been some massive backlash online regarding her latest video, where she applies sunscreen as a highlighter! On the high points of her face. So many derms have spoken about how damaging this is and even her own brand had to come up with a statement where they lied and said that she actually applied sunscreen all over her face, off camera. Which is a massive joke, because before putting on her sunscreen she said she wasn’t a head to toe sunscreen wearer. Ooof!
Yup, she says what she needs to, to market her Goop stuff. But she clearly does not do what she preaches, she looks sun-fried.
I’d have to see her in person, but as far as photos, her skin doesn’t seem to glow at all. It’s heavily sun damaged. I think she serves as a great warning to younger women, don’t bake yourself in the sun. It doesn’t matter what else you do, if you are baking yourself, your skin is going to be craptastic by time you’re 40. I think Gwyneth is lovely I do, but wow she spent way too much time outdoors without enough protection.
I’m surprised she hasn’t had laser treatments or intense peels on her face and neck to deal with the damage. She certainly has the resources for it.
Ha ha, I like this kid!
I hope Gwenyth isn’t pushing her into the spotlight though. We never saw much of her kids before, and all of a sudden that’s changing. I hope Apple has her own dreams and can follow them.
Sun damage is no joke. Protect yourself.
Gwyneth is a spotlight chaser, I agree with you that perhaps her kids should probably not be put in the spotlight as much as she has purposefully put them there with this slow rollout she’s been doing. She disabled comments on all the social media w Apple, clearly as a protective measure from comments… Apple is going to face this stuff eventually, bc nepotism,but for the time, I think Gwyneth should have let her kids keep their privacy as long as they could. I don’t doubt she loves her children more than life itself,but you really don’t see other Hollywood stars offering their teenaged kids so directly to the public. :-/
I think Apple is adorable! Seems to have a reasonable head on her shoulders.
I never realized just how thin Gwyneth’s hair is. It’s very noticeable in that video. I shouldn’t be surprised. I assume it’s related to very restricted eating?
There is plenty to shìt on Gwyn about but this really isn’t one of them. Some of us who are naturally blonde (or were naturally blonde at one point in our lives, anyway) just have really thin hair, and diet has nothing to do with it. If she had extensions or wore a wig you’d have a problem with that too. I’m not going to shìt on here for something she can’t help.
Meh, she got the hair she deserves. For the record, I’m happier that she looks balding. I don’t have a problem with that. I like to see someone as vain as Gwyneth get taken down a notch in their smug self superiority.
She does not look like she’s balding, good Lord – LOL. She’s always had pretty thin hair, I just watched Shakespeare in Love and her hair was pretty thin there too. Some people just have fine hair and Gwyneth is one of them. I will say that the middle part does her no favors.
Am I the only one who sees that Apple isn’t making fun of Goop, she is making fun of Gwyneth’s critics
Nope. I think so too.
Cue Apple and falling from tree jokes. The insufferable attitude may be extended for another generation.
….or not? We could be surprised?
I don’t like her very much, I despise her “Goop” brand and stuff, but she seems to have a great mother-daughter relationship, and I wish I could have that with my mom.
On an unrelated note, all g-bashing aside, her kids seem great but I think Gwyneth is going to regret placing her kids in spotlight so early…feels way too premature :-/
Also, the. Goop glow pads are $125 for a weekly use for three months.You can go to QRxLabs and get amazing glycolic acid pad wipes at 50 for $25. The beauty industry should not make any one go broke or make bad buys.
Insufferable.
I can’t stand Gwyneth, but her daughter is beautiful and they seem to have a good relationship so that’s nice. I hope she doesn’t end up smug like her mother, though. As for the sun damage, yikes. I am very fair so I was never into tanning, though I did get my share of burns when I got careless. I did get some sun damage there but not nearly that much.
I can recommend a good product to Goop. Strivectin neck cream is good stuff…..
I don’t much like Goop but she is my age. I thought she looked really good in the video. We grew up in this in between generation that was a transition from the sun worshipping sun tanners to the 100spf anti tanners. I do like how I glow a bit with some sun. I am also so pale that I look sickly in the winter. She is pale too. Yes she does having some sun damage on her chest but really not that much on her face. She looks good. I did but the skin gym version of that face massager though. ebay $25. It will be easier than doing a manual massage. I love ebay.
Apple talks just like Chris Martin, also the way she moves her mouth etc. – very much her dad’s girl!
That is very encouraging that she must not too insufferable of a mom that Apple can do this!
Whatever those eye pad/masks are, they work amazingly well.