Gwyneth Paltrow recently filmed a Beauty Secrets routine video for Vogue in which she documented her morning routine. To her credit, the first few minutes don’t cost you any money. It’s all about smoothies, mediation, dry brushing and centering yourself. Then she launches into the products and my bank account drained just listening to her. However, I will say, you can visibly see her skin tightening after she applies the eye patches and uses her gold-plated vibrating bar. So I guess I have to go rob a bank.
However, Apple Martin, Gwyneth’s 16-year-old daughter, gave us her own take on her mom’s morning routine and it was far more entertaining. Goop has joined TikTok and to keep up with the kids, they turned the reigns over to Apple for the day. Apple’s response? To roast her mother and her Goop-tastic empire. Here’s a taste of Apple’s commentary:
In case you can’t click the video, Vanity Fair gives a brief breakdown of Apple’s comments:
In the clip posted to Goop’s official TikTok account, Martin explains that Paltrow starts every day with the Goop Glow Morning Skin Superpowder, which the website describes as “a power shot of antioxidants and nutrients designed to reduce the free radical effects of the sun, pollution, stress, and more.” Martin jokes that, “She eats nothing except for dates and almond butter, so she will have that,” adding, “I suppose the Goop Glow is a part of her cleanse, which she’s been on since…the day I was born, apparently.”
After breakfast, it’s time for the Goop founder to embark on her serious skincare regimen. The camera follows Paltrow into her large, sun-lit bathroom where she begins to apply various serums and lotions. The teen explains, “It’s 8 a.m., and she’s been doing this since 7 a.m. She just prances around the bathroom, putting on her millions of Goop Glow products for her glowing skin.” Once that rigorous routine is all wrapped up, Paltrow types away at her laptop as Martin jokes, “Then she gets to work, making some more vagina eggs. And candles, also vagina candles, and vagina perfumes. Just everything vagina.”
I agree with Kaiser that Goop seems to be a good mom and she and Apple appear to have a solid relationship. And I am encouraged to see Apple making light of the cleanses and Gwyneth’s restrictive diets because it means that Apple is not subjected to them. She may also be commenting on the public’s perception of her mother’s Goop persona in which case, well played, Apple.
Apple poked fun at her mother’s Vagina Egg-filled agenda last year as well. I actually commend Gwyneth for her kids’ comfort level with discussing sex and sexuality. The fact that Apple can so freely have a go at her mom on the subject is healthy. It’s not slowing Gwyneth down, certainly. She just sent Kim Kardashian her own curated Box of Tricks in light of her impending divorce. The box contained a Goop vibrator, some sex gel and a candle named This Smells Like Kim’s Orgasm that I want absolutely no more information on. So Apple might not be too far off, Gwyneth does seem to spend a great deal of time making vagina-related candles. But, as many outlets have pointed out, Apple also recently posted her own Morning Routine video filled with Goop products – none of which involved candles or private parts – so she obviously supports the brand as much as she makes fun of it.
Photo credit: Instagram