When Jennette McCurdy spoke to Anna Faris on the Unqualified podcast, she said writing her book, I’m Glad My Mom Died, gave her closure. That closure has allowed Jennette to miss her mom without also being angry at her when she thinks of her. I honestly don’t know how that’s possible, she’s a much bigger person than me. The stories Jennette’s told are shocking and I’m not sure I ever would have been able to let go of the anger. Like the latest one Jennette shared on Red Table Talk. She read an email from her mother, Debbie, that she’s included in her memoir. Debbie had seen a photo of Jennette on TMZ with some man. Debbie wrote Jennette to ask what had happened to her, “perfect little angel” and proceeded to call her a series of vile names before telling her the family had disowned her. Following that, Debbie added a postscript telling Jennette to send her money for a new refrigerator.
In a clip from the RTT conversation shared exclusively with PEOPLE, (Jennette) McCurdy reads aloud an email she once received from her mom about seeing a TMZ photo of her online.
McCurdy’s mom Debbie died of cancer in 2013. The iCarly alum looks back at childhood fame and her past struggles in the new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died.
Debbie began by writing, “I am so disappointed in you,” in the email, which is included in McCurdy’s book. McCurdy continues reading as Jada, Willow and Adrienne react in shock.
“‘You used to be my perfect little angel, but now you are nothing more than a little’ — all caps — ‘slut, a floozy, all used up,’ ” McCurdy reads. “‘And to think you wasted it on that hideous ogre of a man. I saw the pictures on a website called TMZ. I saw you rubbing his disgusting hairy stomach. I knew you were lying about Colton.’ (I had told her I was with a friend, Colton.) Add that to a list of things you are: liar, conniving, evil.”
“‘You look pudgier too. It’s clear you’re eating your guilt,’ ” she continues reading.
“‘Thinking of you with his ding-dong inside of you makes me sick. Sick! I raised you better than this. What happened to my good little girl? Where did she go and who is this monster that has replaced her? You’re an ugly monster now. I told your brothers about you and they all said they disown you just like I do. We want nothing to do with you. Love, Mom — or should I say Deb since I am no longer your mother? P.S. Send money for a new fridge; ours broke.’ ”McCurdy adds with a laugh, “The P.S. gets me,” as Willow, 21, reacts with a “Wow!”
I know I shouldn’t agree with Jennette on the title of her book, but I’m glad she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. That email is wholly unacceptable from anyone, let alone a parent to a child. Obviously, Debbie had some real issues, including disassociation by signing off with “Love” and asking for money from someone she just disowned. It’s also tragic because she knows the control she has over Jennette. I’ll bet Jennette sent the money for that refrigerator. Like she told Anna, she didn’t know the abuse she was being subjected to.
When Jennette first started speaking about her mother’s abuse, she told us about how her mother forced eating disorders upon her. Hearing that long arm of shame reaching out to manipulate Jennette by calling her “pudgier” and accusing her of “eating her shame” just makes my blood boil. It’s like a switch in a disordered eater’s brain and those who intentionally flip it are so cruel. It takes forever to flip it back off. Of course, the slut shaming is just another abuser’s tactic. Debbie hit all the misogynist buttons and so succinctly. I have yet to read Jennette’s book. I wonder where she is with her brothers now. Did they ever see Debbie for who she was? Because no one in Hollywood protected Jennette and I’m positive Debbie’s true colors bled through when she was on set. They just didn’t care as long as they got the performance they wanted out of Jennette. It’s a good thing Jennette has been freed of that relationship.
When I think back to how seemingly harmless comments about my weight as a kid (I was allegedly always the chubby one) and during meal times (dessert especially) made me feel and how they contributed to my f*cked up relationship with food, I cannot even begin to imagine what this must have been like for her. I can’t criticize her for the book title at all. Her mother sounds like a horrendous person.
I agree entirely, all the comments and ‘jokes’ when looking back I was perfectly normal sized, just not skinny. I had no idea at the time the damage they were doing.
Agreed-I look back and when I was perfectly normal and healthy, I was compared to thinner friends and criticized in awful ways.
Yes. I had an uncle who always called me little fat girl. He continued to call me fat into adulthood. I ended up cutting him out of my life.
Ah yes, I remember it being called “pigging out” when I wanted seconds of dinner.
I agree with the title of her book completely. Just because someone is your family doesn’t mean you’re not better off without them. I had a family member that was an abusive narcissist and I couldn’t wait for him to die. The day he passed was a great day for me and I continue to be happy he’s gone.
I too am utterly happy that my dad passed. He was such a fucking monster that knew no bounds to abusive and manipulate machinations. Growing up with him caused all of us permanent scars. I wish I had had the strength to cut him out completely, though my favorite sister did.
Oh, yes, I had one of those, too. He died in 2002 and while there was a brief period of adjustment, I’m so glad he’s gone. I have never missed him. Not once. Not ever.
I think her book title is brilliant. It gets to the heart of the dreadful, emotional push/pull of having an abusive parent – that, simply because they are your parent, you are supposed to love them, no matter what. And so do we pile guilt as an extra burden to carry on top of the abuse.
I appreciate her honesty with that title. That takes some nerve to admit to that in public, especially these days.
Jesus, what an utterly vile woman. And as if the cruel name-calling and guilt-tripping weren’t enough, she also basically admitted to picturing (fantasizing?) her daughter having sex?! Reading that, I can’t help but wonder if Jennette experienced some sexual abuse by her mother, or at least something bordering on it. That part was just profoundly disturbing.
But no matter how awful the rest of that letter is, I absolutely would have cracked up at the word “ding-dong”. I mean, come on. If you’re going to be abusive, be abusive! You can’t slip a 5-year-old’s goofy-ass euphemism in the middle of your tirade!
Was on Amazon checking this book out and I saw a review mention sexual abuse so I sadly don’t think you’re wrong
She absolutely did, and she speaks about it and the ramifications of it in detail in the book.
From the snippets I’ve seen and the readings I’ve heard, I think Jeanette is an amazing writer. She’s so intelligent, and kind, and thoughtful in interviews as well. There are many shocking stories in the book, but I think because of that, people miss that this is an epic narrative of growth and maturity — two things her mother desperately tried to stop as they were beginning to happen for Jeanette.
She did, it’s in the book but not in detail. Her mother was a gross person.
That is a person who never should have had kids. I had a hard time reading that email, it was so horrible. And I don’t understand people giving Jennette grief over the title. That title is perfect. That was her reality.
@Miranda,
I’m listening to the audiobook now. Her mother showered Jennette until she was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. Her reasoning was to check her for cancer and that she didn’t believe Jennette was capable of washing her own hair.
When Jennette was 11, her mom was showering her WITH HER 16-YEAR-OLD BROTHER.
I read the title of her book and thought “yeah I can see that being true for some people.” I think if you’ve never experienced a toxic, abusive family member it can be hard to relate, but if you have, then you completely get it. My sister was that person in my family, and when she passed….there was almost a sense of relief. Even to this day (almost 8 years later), i’m sad that “my sister” is gone but not sad that that particular person is gone. My life is much better without her in it, and I don’t really feel guilty over that. But it can be a hard thing for people to understand so I give her a lot of credit for being so open with her story.
Agree and understand. When someone who has brought that kind of chaos, uncertainty and abuse into your life dies and can no longer hurt you, it gives you the space to think of what was good about them without having to wonder how soon and in what manner things are going to blow up in your face.
I understand the title and since it fits for her, I agree with her. I really do want to get my hands on this book. Or at least get the audiobook version of it because it sounds like something I want to read.
Damn. Well now I’m also glad Jeanette’s mom died.
This right here. Holy cow. The world is a better place without her.
I listened to her audiobook (G-d BLESS areas with WONDERFUL libraries❣)…it was…A LOT! For me the HOARDING she lived in as a child due to her Mother would have been ENOUGH of a hellscape…and to add the emotional & psychological abuse ALONG with the BIGGEST lie her Mama AND other grown family members HID from her & her Brothers? Deplorable.
I live far from my family. I was having thoughts about Covid and dying. I realized I wouldn’t want my family to come to see me. I’ve put on weight and to see that disappointed look my parents always have isn’t how I want to end my days. I’d have to kick them out. So to not deal with it, I wouldn’t see them.
Oh my god, that is awful, I’m so sorry you felt that way. I hope you have other family/friends who are the opposite. I’m nowhere near that with my family, we really do love each other despite some of the shit the did. They’re from a generation that “means well” and was always on some crazy diet. But it still did damage and yeah, when I gain weight I wonder if someone will say something. I dread it. I lost a bunch of weight this year due to health issues (that are now resolved) and my mom cannot stop commenting out of faux concern. I can see the happiness behind it and it makes me so angry. I was in pain and puking my guts out, I felt like garbage for over a year. But thanks I guess.
Isn’t that something? We all need to stop ‘congratulating’ people who’ve lost weight & saying they ‘look great!’ Nobody knows anyone else’s health circumstances, physical or mental, & we just need to stop commenting on other people’s bodies!!
Well I’m simply here to say that as a mom of three, I find that email beyond deeply, deeply disturbing.
Agreed! On top of the fact that she had the audacity to ask for money is an example of how manipulative and vile she was on top of all of her abusive, manipulative and horrendous traits.
As a mom…?! That phrase makes my teeth itch, it’s not like all those without children find it a-ok ffs. We also have a moral compass y’know…you don’t get some kind of special monopoly on moral outrage.
Insensitive.
That was my first thought, too. I’m a mom of none, but I had a very hard time reading through that email. We’re all human, we’re all capable of empathy.
@BeanieBean,
While I understand your feelings, I must say that no, not all people are capable of empathy. I saw that in my own father. I see it in the orange former guy (TFG).
It’s called anti-social personality disorder, more commonly known as sociopathy.
That poor girl having to deal with a vile mother like that and with what face did she ask her to send over money. Absolute cheek. I can completely empathise with her as I deal and live with an emotional abusive and narcissistic mother who makes nasty and horrible remarks about my weight and my eating habits. My father has narcissistic behaviours and has made hurtful remarks about my size. I don’t exactly have the best relationship with food. My mental health issues stem from my upbringing which has been traumatic and scarring.
I’d never heard of her before this book came out and now I’m horrified and in awe of her in equal measure. I think the title is spot on, society has a long way to go before it’s considered normal to end relationships with family members, no matter how awful those people are. It sounds like this is cathartic for her and she’s raising important issues that need to be discussed and understood more widely. Amazing woman.
@ SarahCS, I am in awe of her book as well as her willingness to let all of her truth to come out. She is brave to tell her story and hopefully she opens the eyes of her other family members as well, especially her brothers. I agree with her sentiments, and I too am glad that her mother is dead.
I hope her book opens the eyes for those on the fence of cutting their parents, and more importantly how their lives are being impacted. The fact that people shame you for cutting toxic parents or siblings out is another example of these “rules” that we are supposed to follow, but out choices for our well being should be.
Life is much too short to keep vile, abusive and vicious parents/siblings in our lives. Trust me, it goes by in an instant!
I completely agree. I wish I had had the strength to cut my dad completely out of my life. I did move to the other side of the country, then across the Pacific, but I still made the periodic contact with him. Looking back I wonder why I ever bothered. He never reached out to me, not once. We’re brought up with all these ‘rules’ about how family should be etc., etc., but some of us just don’t have that reality. I’m glad my dad died. At 85. Took him long enough.
One time in high school my mom looked up the word “whore” in the dictionary to prove I was one. Also said she would run us both off a bridge while she was driving me to middle school in her underwear. That’s the printable stuff. I get the title.
Oh geez. Oh, *hugs* from an internet stranger.
God I’m so sorry you had to grow up with that.
My mother would always comment on my weight in photos, then later at gatherings, I would mention it to her and she always denied it, made me feel confused, my weight has been up and down when I am fat she tells me, when I am slim she say’s nothing I told somone in general conversation, when me and my mother would agrue up until I was 18 she would slap me hard across the face, my friend said that was not right
My mothers personality in general is nasty, stubborn wont admit when wrong, but she says I am the selfish one, I am a lot older now and I hardly call or see her, she makes me feel gulity when I do contact her, but I have felt better over the years of not seeing her, although I do think about what I will be like when she passes, I am 50, she is 70 and I am an only child, my father committed suicide at 32yrs in 1982, she has been with someone ever since, he is ok, she is demanding and he is relaxed and not stressful
My emotions at the moment are overwhelmed about the fact I understand what Jennette went through, but I can say my mother was not as bad, but still things that has happened does not feel right
Porsha it sounds like your mother is an expert at gaslighting. You are smart to make space the relationship. Healthy people don’t try to make you miserable on purpose
Thank you, your words helped me
Watching Jeanette McCurdy overcome all this abuse and triumph is a fantastic story. She is a very good writer and her book is flying off the shelves. Or being downloaded a lot. Since my son was a huge “I Carly” Fan I got to watch her in those years but I had no idea what she was going through. I do know the guy her mother was referring to as an “Ogre” is so I am guessing a little racism can be tossed into her abuse pile. One person that always was on her side was Miranda Cosgrove (Carly) and Jeanette has talked many times about how close they were and how they are still very good friends to this day. I am waiting for Ariana to throw some public support her way now. It would be icing on the cake. P.S. my grandmother was every bit the abuser that Jeanette’s mother was and it screwed up my mother ten ways from Sunday so I get the title too.
I’m so glad that her book is a bestseller, and that she’s doing better now. In a way it’s sad that Debra McCurdy never lived to be confronted with the truth about the kind of person and parent she really was.
A patriarchal religion clearly wasn’t helpful in her treatment of her daughter or other people either. Despite the moral high ground she thought she was on, traditional values did not teach her to be empathetic or to put the needs and rights of others before her own wants at all.
Between having to deal with stalkers knowing where she lived (she even had to move out of a home because of it) and all the other stuff that comes with being a young female in the public eye, Jennette really didn’t need misogyny from someone she should have been able to trust. “…The slut shaming is just another abuser’s tactic.” That can’t be emphasized enough.
What was so interesting about the book too was the way in which religion absolutely played a role, but not in the way that most people would think. It was honestly interesting to see just how starkly obvious it was that for Jennette McCurdy’s mother, religion was completely a tool to make herself feel good. Any time religion failed to fulfill that, Jennette’s mother would conveniently just pull away from it to suit herself. [Spoilers] She did this multiple times in the book, but most notably in two instances, the first being when her mother was dealing with judgemental comments from other women at the church about the sorts of roles that Jennette was taking on as a child actress, and the second being that the moment Jennette struck it big and landed her role as the lead on iCarly, her mom just stopped going to church entirely.
I highly recommend her book! I couldn’t stop listening. It kept me engaged the entire time. She’s a bad ass and I’m rooting for her.
Her mom sounds similar to my grandmother. She used to say vile things to my dad and then just act like everything was normal. He was raised to accept it and he did. He and his brother also committed suicide. My grandmother has now turned it on me. She said some absolutely horrible things to me and then just wanted it to all go away. I’m fairly certain she was abused as a child, but there’s really no excuse for treating your children that way. I’m still in contact with her because she has no one but me and my sister that is stationed overseas, but I won’t shed a tear when she dies.
All that is to say, I get the name of that book. Also, it is possible to love the terrible people in your life. I’m glad Jennette was able to write this. I don’t know if some people realize how terrible and toxic family members can be to each other. I’ve tried to tell friends about my grandmother before and they just don’t understand. They think she’s probably ‘difficult’ like their family members. It’s not the same.
I’m so sorry you lost your father. You’re a much better person than your grandmother to have empathy for her loneliness.
I just finished the audiobook a few hours ago. It is riveting. Highly recommend. I’d never heard of Jennette before, or seen iCarly, but you don’t need to. The book was incredible, shocking, painful, beautiful, and I know I’ll be thinking about it for a long time. The amount of trauma she went through is quite astonishing. I have so much respect for her and she deserves so much peace and happiness from now on.
(Also, girl can write. Also, girl can narrate! The audio version is fantastic.)
IIRC, she has said that one of her brothers acknowledged being able to hide from/avoid the abuse because their mother was so fixated on her.
So, they’ve been having conversation(s) about it.
I feel like this is very true. It’s always one child that gets most of the abuse while the others are spared (for the most part).
I read the book and her brothers were abused too. Jennette’s mother told one of the brothers often he was her least favourite child, made another brother shower with Jennette until they were teens and also pushed another brother into acting. I have no doubt Jennette took the worst of it but the others definitely experienced it too. Jennette’s father was detached and passive while her grandmother (her mother’s mother) also sounds like a narcissist.
Jennette said her three brothers fully support her on the book so hopefully they are healing as a family.
I’ve read the book and it was heartbreaking and disturbing. I understand her mindset. Shocking as it seems, the title is clever and telling. I’m happy she’s in a much better place and does something she actually enjoy in her career.
I’m still on the hold list at my local library. I can’t imagine reliving these moments for the sake of writing a book, and then knowing you’re going to be asked about it after the fact. Jennette is so amazing.
My mother used to talk to me like that when I was a kid and even as an adult. All of it, the “disappointment,” the insults, the threats, and the demands for money. I finally cut her off about 10 years ago, but every now and then she’ll send emails like that or emails where she threatens to kill herself, then demands money. I’m in my 50s now and it’s still going on. I perfectly understand the title of Jennette’s book. I wish my mom was dead.
Is there a reason you haven’t blocked her email so she can’t send you them anymore? You shouldn’t have to deal with that. I’m so sorry.
I did, but gmail doesn’t really block emails. It just sends them to the junk folder. So whenever I have to go in there to check to see if expected emails have erroneously been diverted, I can see her emails. It’s frustrating. I wish gmail really blocked emails.
Her book is a great read, but damn is it hard to get through. The email Jennette shared on Red Table Talk is awful, but it is only one of the awful things her mother subjects her to under the guise of loving her and guiding her in her career.
I bought the book, but still haven’t read it. Kind of bracing myself.
My kids loved “iCarly” and watched it incessantly. It’s awful to now realize what JM was going through as she made kids laugh.
I am listening to her book now (narrated by her), and it is captivating, upsetting, disturbing, hilarious, introspective, beautifully written… if you like memoirs, you should check it out. Jeanette is really impressive, and as someone who was too old to watch the shows she was on, I am such a fan of hers now and wish her all the best,
Her mother seems to have leaped out of the pages of “Carrie” by Stephen King.
Wow, the details Jennette shared are so disturbing. I’m glad she’s free of her mother and hope she continues to heal.
@Kaiser, I saw her being interviewed, and she spoke with her brothers about the title. They understand and completely supported her choice of book title.
My kid and I have been huge fans of this remarkable woman since Icarly.
My parents called me slut, hussy, fat, useless,ugly, black sheep … I recognize this kind of email. I lost my cat two months ago and my mum is constantly texting me to ask about the cat. They abused me financially, physically, sexually and mentally. I was in recovery a few years ago for a 29 year battle with bulimia. I also have kids and I have never treated them badly, looked crooked at them, raised my hand (other than a high five), body shamed them or made them feel less than any day of their life, the pattern doesn’t have to be there is you recognize it and stop it.
For all of you who left messages of the same, I reach out to you as the adult in your young lives putting a protective arm, to a full hug for you all. Nobody deserves what you have heard. I am sorry that you had shitty adults in your lives.
I honestly don’t know who she is, but my first thought is: wow, I’m so glad she survived that abuse. She easily could have ended up being on the statistics of suicide.
I listened to an interview with her on another podcast, and it’s devastating all the abuse she was subjected to. It sounded like her mother was living vicariously through her, and as a result was also so jealous of her achievements, and would abuse her as a result.
I’m glad she’s doing ok and has had success with her book, it’s on my list to read at some point, and I think she said she’s interested in continuing to write.
For those who haven’t read the book, what happens after this is that the next time she saw her mother face-to-face, her mother made absolutely no mention of the e-mail or what she’d written to Jennette at all. In fact, they never talked about it, never had a conversation about it, ever. Just truly bizarre, but also jaw-dropping and I think just very relatable for a lot of people, to have parents say such vile things to them, then just never mention any of it ever again after it happens.
Just saw this on the Red Table Talk, it was heartbreaking, heartwarming, inspiring and hopeful.
Jeannette did the hard word, she chose to heal. The hardest part is the misconcept-ion of a what is a loving healthy relationship.
Such growth, maturity and wisdom.
Kudos to her.
I know this article was written a day or two ago but I’m just now seeing it and I relate to Jenna WAY WAY too much not to leave a comment;
I grew up with a mother who, on a good day was selfish, negligent, and utterly disinterested in parenting. On a bad day, she was extremely abusive AND enabled my brother to abuse me (not sexually, luckily. But every other kind of abuse). She was also a pathological liar and turned humiliating me in public into a sport.
Growing up, she taught my brother, sister, and I NOTHING about hygiene, and we each ended up in embarrassing situations as a result. She DID take us to the dentist once a year, however, as far back as I can remember, that was the only day of the year she made sure we brushed our teeth. A 4 year-old is NOT going to brush its teeth on its own. At our annual dental cleaning one year, the dentist comes out soon after my brother went in, and informed my mother that my brother’s teeth were green. He said it literally looked like he had not brushed his teeth since his appt the previous year. And the dentist was probably right. My brother was 10. When my sister was 6 or 7, she ended up with some kind of really infected rash around the nape of her neck that her long hair was getting stuck in. It turned out she was SO dirty that her sensitive skin developed a nasty rash that went untreated for weeks. They ended up having to cut her hair short, like a boys. I remember how she cried. I had my own shaming experience stemming from my mother’s failure to teach good hygeine, but it’s pretty long. Suffice it to say it involved me and an aunt whose house I was at, loudly talking on the phone to my cousin in the other room, saying how bad I stunk and that she doesn’t know what to say to me about it. I was 12. What’s crazy is that my family was solidly upper middle class. My mother has a trust fund, and my father had a PhD from Harvard and a very well-paying job with the DoD/Pentagon. Unfortunately his job kept him working very long hours, when it wasn’t sending him overseas, which it was often. That and the fact that I’ve always said that my mother was his only blind spot. My father was an EXCELLENT parent, and I credit him with the fact that I’m only somewhat fucked up today as an adult.
Back to my mother, I was in competitive gymnastics from age 8-16, and weight was always an obsession. My brother knew this and would call me hurtful, insulting names, he’d make up “funny” songs about how “fat” I was, which he’d sing in the car, my mother laughing along with him. At age 11, I developed anorexia, and I knew what to call it because my mother told me what it was called. She chose that particular time in my life to get liposuction. She and my father had just divorced, and she was very excited about her new life as a single lady.
With my dad now out of the house, the abuse by my brother ramped up exponentially, 100% enabled by my mother. Mostly physical, verbal, and emotional. There were dozens of incidents but this one stands out; it was my 12th birthday and I was having a sleepover with 6 friends. (despite all the abuse and neglect at home, I never had trouble making friends. Unlike my older brother). My friends and I were in the den, watching a movie. Suddenly the power went out in the room. We went to the fuse-breaker-things in the laundry room, flipped the switch for the den, lights came back on, we went back to the movie. Power went out again. We went back into the laundry room. This time, my brother was in there, standing in front of the fuses, SO angry he was trembling. He starts yelling and cussing at us, asking us who we thought we were, to get out of his fucking house, called us every name in the book. My friends were in SHOCK. Every time I or one of my friends tried to push past him to flip the switch, he would violently shove us aside. He was 3 years older and a LOT stronger. Finally we went back to the dark den hoping he’d get bored abd go back to him room. Long story short the violent scene in the laundry room got repeated a couple more times before my friends started pleading with me to tell my mom. Reluctantly I went up to her room, alone. She was watching TV in bed in her room. I tearfully told her what my brother was doing, that he was beating up my friends, please please please come down and tell him to stop. My mother just stared at me, didn’t say a word or move a muscle. Not just stared at me, but stared at me like she HATES me. I pled a couple more times, got ZERO reaction, and had to go back downstairs and tell my friends help was not coming. If I thought they looked shocked when they first saw my brother freaking out in the laundry room, now they looked STUNNED. One by one they each called their parents to come pick them up. I always wondered what they told their parents about what happened. What I CAN tell you is that none of them came to my house ever again. That was also the last time I had a birthday party.
I spent the next couple days not speaking to my brother. It was the only thing in my power that I could do that I knew got to him. At one point I asked my mother if she’d give me a ride to a friend’s house. She said “only if you forgive your brother for your birthday”. Did he have to apologize to me?? ANYTHING? nope. I was the one whose behavior was the problem, apparently. My mother also never apologized. I ended up bringing it up to her a couple times while in high school, and she would roll her eyes and say “I know I know. You hate me because you THINK I didn’t protect you from your brother.” I THINK.
In my late teens and 20s I started dabbling in drugs (can you blame me?). My mother IMMEDIATELY jumped head first into AlAnon. I knew she loved it because believe it or not, my delusional mother has a martyr complex (!!!) and LOOOVES to get sympathy for often – manufactured incidents. She was in AlAnon for years. By pure luck I met someone from her AlAnon group, who informed me that early on, my mother claimed I was dead, and many of her shares revolved around her difficulty dealing with the overdose death of her beloved middle daughter. In reality, I am CERTAIN that my mother actually ENJOYED the 8 years I spent on drugs because it gave her a legit reason to look down on me.
All the incidents above make up a VERY small percentage of all the traumatic events I experienced due to my mother and to a lesser extent my brother. I think its worthwhile to mention that growing up, I was a GOOD kid. I never once got in ANY kind of trouble, I always got excellent grades. Most of my freetime was devoted to gymnastics, where my bff and I were the only elementary school kids on the high school gymnastic team (this was in Europe, schools are structured a bit differently). I was also a very talented artist and won a slew of art contests growing up. My friends were “good kids”. When at home on the rare occasion I had nothing to do, I made extra effort not to cross paths with my mother. I simply do not see what could have POSSIBLY inspired so much animosity towards me, esp as a child. I know a part of it was simply that she wasn’t INTERESTED in parenting and therefore resented us when any of her kids tried to get her to fill a need, particularly if it interrupted one of her extracurricular activities, mainly sunbathing and cheating on my dad. (why have 3 kids, you ask? My impression is that she likes babies on a VERY superficial level and only temporarily. As soon as a child’s needs become more complicated, it’s no longer all goo goo ga ga I love mama, and are old enough to get mad a her, she literally and figuratively recoils) what I cannot understand, even intellectually, is the obvious malice she felt towards me. It’s simply unnatural. Currently I haven’t seen my mother in about 8 years, with no plans of seeing her any time soon. Once in a while she sends me a passive aggressive email, which, if I read, I rarely reply to.
Needless to say, I relate to Jennette in more ways than I can count. It makes me feel less outcast to know that there are other people with evil mothers out there. One thing that never fails to piss me off to no end, is when someone who has never met my mother, tries to insist that she “just did the best she knew how.” bullshit.
Thank you for sharing
Know that you are a good person
It sounds like your brother’s behaviour was encouraged and rewarded by her, you were smart to know it was wrong, but you got punished for it, you were strong to not be like them, hope you have peace
Thank you, and you’re right, my brother (the mama’s boy) was absolutely enabled by my mother. I should mention that after he went away to college, when he came back over Xmas break, he asked me if he could talk to me, and literally said “I’m so sorry for everything I ever did to you.” He ended up doing a lot of work on himself, and while one can still glimpse his inner bully here and there, he has definitely come a long way. If only I could say the same about my mother…..
I read your comment as well. I’m so sorry about your father. If I hadn’t had my father in my life I can’t imagine how I would have turned out. Your mother sounds like she projected a lot, too. That particular behavior is SO frustrating
Lol I was replying to your comment while omw to work, didn’t finish it time and meant to finish it later, but it looks like at some point I accidentally hit ‘submit comment’. Here is the continuation;
[regarding your mother projecting] it is SO frustrating because it’s this insane trifecta of dysfunctionality. Basically it’s “I don’t do that.” and “I haven’t made you endure that because I don’t do that.” and ends with “im gonna accuse YOU of doing that.” I think that people who project and don’t know it, are severely lacking in self awareness. I’ve caught myself projecting onto someone before, at least in my mind. Its definitely uncomfortable, realizing what I was doing. But I’m glad I could see it.
Regarding your mother slapping you; that is absolutely wrong wrong wrong for a zillion reasons. But I think one of the main ones is that slapping someone across the face in particular, is meant to DEGRADE. it hurts and is a punishment of sorts, but it’s main purpose is to degrade you and take you down a notch or two. Being degraded by one’s mother has a devastating effect on a person and can often lead to the person seeking out relationships where the person will continue to be degraded. I know I did.
On a TOTALLY different subject – one thing I forgot to mention in my first comment is that I was always pretty non-communicative with my mother, even as a young child. And by age 13, I was openly contemptful of her. I think that helps explain some of her later hostility towards me. In HER mind, her hostility was justified, because by high school I didnt bother hiding my low opinion of her. I made my feelings about her VERY clear, and one thing I did that REALLY helped her paint me as the enemy (and I’m sure helped her justify a lot of her behavior towards me later on), was develop a close relationship with her sister, my aunt. The summer I turned 12, my aunt called out of the blue and asked if I wanted to come stay with her in Boston that summer. I JUMPED at the opportunity to get out of my house and for, the next 5 years I’d go up there every summer. I’m sure my mother was just happy about one less kid in her face all day, I don’t think it occurred to her that my aunt and I would form an alliance or sorts. Because my aunt and my mother HATED each other. Or rather, my aunt hated my mother and had most of their lives. And my mother would complain about it and take pot shots at my aunt, such as making nasty comments about my aunts sexuality (she’s gay) or her parenting skills(!!) . I started confiding in my aunt, who was the first one to tell me that my mother’s parenting was FUCKED, and tell me why. Soon I was repeating my aunts arguments to my mother, always starting with “Aunt Lizzie said….” my mother did NOT appreciate it. Most other verbal exchanges between me and my mother consisted of me grunting some form or yes, no, or I don’t know/care. I think the fact that i was so openly contemptful of her is the main reason she relished and made a show of looking down on me, after I got into drugs, because I had looked down of HER for so many years.
all good, just letting you know , I read your updated comments and thank you
I was glad to hear you had a good aunt who could help and understand
Self awarness, my mother definitely does not have or is she humble, I have depression and a few other things, which I believe make you become self aware for survival, my mother takes no interest in my mental health and appears to get exicited if I am going to reduce my medication, I saying nothing, not worth it and she wonders why I don’t contact her much
Take care