At first I thought Chelsea Handler’s new piece (boyfriend) was the really hot dude on the right that the camera is making love to. But it’s not – it’s the dude on the left, the white boy. This is actually a photo from last week, that’s how nondescript this guy is – no one noticed he was there until more than eight days passed. Anyway, her new guy’s name is Dave Salmoni (which in mind is pronounced “Sam-in-E”), and he’s on the Animal Planet or something. He’s 34 years old. And Chelsea is *snarf, chuckle, cough* 35 years old. I mean, that’s what all of her press says, so she must be 35 RIGHT? I mean, look at her! That’s the face of a 35 year old, of course.

So, basically, this was Chelsea and Dave’s first big public outing, although they began dating back in June, according to reports. She told Jay Leno that “I looked at him and I thought, ‘I would like to get penetrated by that!’ He’s not only good looking, he’s somebody who can protect you from a bear or lion.” Oh, and Dave is Canadian. Does that make a difference?

This is reportedly the first guy Chelsea has dated since her split, earlier this year, with E!’s head of programming, Ted Harbert. Did you know that she allegedly broke up Harbert’s marriage? And did you know that they broke up right after she signed an eight-figure contract extending her show until 2012? And did you know that she’s not really 35 years old?!?