Michael Lohan is my favorite walking asshole conundrum. I always have a tough time figuring out where to put him on the good/evil continuum. Not because I can’t figure out what side to put him on, but because I feel like I’m always having to extend the continuum on the evil side to make room for whatever new act of douche baggery he’s committed.

On Friday Michael claimed that Lindsay very likely has a 13-year-old half-sister from a relationship he had while he and now ex-wife Dina were separated in 1995. He made it sound like it was a near certainty. Over the weekend his story changed to “well maybe/sorta, let’s take a DNA test to be certain.” Now it’s moved to “Probably no chance in hell, and I’m going to punish this woman as much and as publicly as I possibly can.”

He tells the New York Post, “If the test is found to be negative, she’s [former mistress Kristi Kaufmann] going to be sued for libel and defamation. She contacted me and said she had a paternity test with her ex-husband and it was negative and she believed the child was mine. She said I was the only one she was with but I find that hard to believe. She was with a number of men after me and was going through a second divorce.”

Lohan adds he “doesn’t plan on discussing” his DNA test with his four children by ex-wife Dina until after the results are in, and has asked his lawyer to send Kaufmann a letter asking her to stop discussing the situation publicly.

He says, “Even if the test is positive, I have nothing to say to her because of the way she handled this. How can someone say I have another child when no testing has been done? Why did she wait so long? Is it because she wants money? Or is it because she wants to claim that Ashley is my children’s sister? She said she wants her daughter to have a relationship with my kids – especially Lindsay and Ali – and that’s pretty sick. I will never force my children to meet with Ashley.”

[From Starpulse]

So Michael Lohan has gone from “she’s my daughter, I sent her letters from jail signed ‘Daddy’” to “well I’m not so sure, let’s double check” to “I’m going to sue the crap outta your mother.” On the chance he is the girl’s father, Michael hasn’t really set the stage for a great relationship. Shocking!

I hate to give Michael Lohan credit for anything, but he does have some pretty legitimate questions. I was wondering most of them myself when I saw the first stories about this on Friday. And the girl’s mother told E! News that Lohan promised “to do for Ashley what he did for Lindsay’s career, the whole thing,” but then had second thoughts. That really makes you wonder about Kristi Kaufmann’s motivations. Sadly, I’m going to be on the edge of my seat for the next 12 days, waiting to see if Michael Lohan can legitimately add another kid to the list of his child support payments.

Header of Michael hitting the red carpet for a pre-BET Awards party on June 23rd. Header thanks to Splash News. Other images of Lohan’s maybe “secret sister” thanks to OK! Magazine.