'11
FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:
Hello, darlings. So many letters lately, right? That should show you how much I miss you. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile. I miss you, missing me. After a brief journey to Ireland, where I made those drunken lasses swoon with the Musk d’CliveDong, I returned last night to London, where I attended a party for Armani. It was there that I ran into someone very, very interesting, and that is the reason for my letter.
Yes, I met Michael Fassbender. Michael and I were in the same space, breathing the same air, our dongs only inches away from each other (and then later, pressed against each other). I have to say… he’s my kind of man. He’s manly and saucy and badass. If you have a crush on him, I approve. Just as long as you keep me as your Number One, I will not be upset if sometimes lust over The Fassbender.
I thought of you lovely bitches when I saw him, and I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to create a homoerotic moment, just so I could explain it all in detail to you in this letter. I approached him slowly, letting the alcohol do most of my work. At that point in the evening, he looked like this:
My goal was to get him to look like this:
And it happened. Sure, I’ll wait a moment while you catch your breath.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I was getting Fassie liquored up. And then the time was right. I slide my hand against his waist and leaned in to whisper in his ear. He leaned in too, and my lips were quickly pressed against his neck. “We need to do this,” I told him. “For the girls. They NEED us to do this.” Michael pulled away and met my gaze. He surprised me with how forward he was… he took my hand and brought me to a dark corner of the party. Before I knew it, I had a handful of his ginger hair in my hands and our lips were locked together, our bodies intertwined, pushed against the wall. And just as quickly, we released each other. “For the girls,” I repeated. “Yes, for the girls,” Michael agreed, slipping me his hotel room key.
Need a moment? I’ll wait.
Photos courtesy of The Telegraph & Pacific Coast News.
Written by Kaiser
Posted in Clive Owen, Michael Fassbender
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45 Responses to “From the Desk of Clive Owen (and Michael Fassbender too?)”
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AHAHAHAHAHA
Oh Kaiser, ILU.
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:O you’ve outdone yourself this time Kaiser! i need a cold shower now lol
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Hilarious! Kaiser, you need to write a novel! How about this for a title: “Love is a many splendid dong”.
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Kaiser, your imagination knows no bounds. A million thank yous for this beautiful post.
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Kaiser, you are a goddess. This will fuel me through my dreary Friday!
Viva La Dongalution! (Or something.)
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Needs a cold shower after that post but I’m sorry to say Michael Fassbender, Timothy Olyphant and Alexander Skarsgaard are my top three although I’m falling in love with Clive Owen just because of these posts which make me laugh. Keep them up Kaiser, please, or you shall make us all very very sad.
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Oh Clive, it has been so dreary without you. The lads they bring us in America — the Justin Timbers and such. They are not equal to your manly embrace. They are mere boys, Clive, whereas you and Michael so clearly catapult them in every way (hee hee). These Amercian boys Clive will never do. Please put delicious Michael into a lovely wardrobe and send him to me post haste. My loins will forever quiver and my breasts are heaving now at the mere suggestion of your ….. manliness.
LOLLOL I love me some letters from my husband, Clive Owen. Whom I share.
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Too funny!
Yes, Clive is the best, no matter who’s the appetizer or the dessert on HGF!
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brilliant, Kaiser
Now I need a drink (is 11am too early for a martini?)
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OMG this is LOVE! got my knickers twisted and i’ll be sporting a huge cheshire cat grin all weekend. LOL! spanks for the imagery!
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It makes me happy to see when people achieve self realization. Congratulations, Kaiser, that was ridiculous and very, very, you. (I mean that in a good way).
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Kaiser, I nominate you Queen of Dongville!! Thanks for the visuals, I’m having a hard time concentrating on my work!
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Very funny Kaiser! Fassbender worries me in that top pic. He looks way too thin and pale. Hope he’s ok. Obviously Chloe is not taking good care of him.
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I really shouldn’t read anything from the desk of Clive Owen while at work
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HAHHAHAHA! I love these posts. They make me laugh and get me hot at the same time. I never thought I’d say that of homeoerotic fanfic. Keep it up! So to speak.
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marge, martinis come under the quaint old category of “elevenses” because they have olives in them, and therefore are actually MANDATORY at 11am.
In other words, carry on.
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What’s the deal with the dude on the left behind Clive? Is he handcuffed to something? Did Clive make his knees go weak? Being that close to Clive probably makes your pants fall off, they sure seem to be slipping. Somethings sure making him walk funny!
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Oh man. This just made my day.
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That was hotttt! You seriously should right a book.
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that. was. hot.
THANK YOU
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I really hope Clive is familiar with your From the Desk letters. I like to think he loves them as much as we do.
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LOL Kaiser, you just get better and better!
Thank you girl, made my friday!
Now I need a cold shower too. Maybe two.
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lmao…Kaiser.
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FOR THE LADIES!!!! yes clive, yes.
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*beckons Kaiser over and leans in to whisper in her ear*
……
……
……
THE FASSBENDER IS NOT BLOODY GINGER!!!!
*ahem*
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Mairead – Bitch, yes he is! He’s naturally strawberry-blonde, which I consider ginger.
Plus, he self-identifies as ginger! Watch this and hear him talk about how he’s a ginger Viking! http://bit.ly/kabgx9
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LOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
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So Kaiser when is your hot romantic novel going to be published? You seem to have a hidden talent!
However, I simply do not understand what you see in him. Different strokes for different folks I guess!
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Kaiser -you’ve soared to new heights. Bravo, darling.
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THIS POST IS GLORIOUS!! BLESS YOU KAISER!!!
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My biscuits need their butter! For the girls, you understand.
Excellent, Kaiser.
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I assumed he was taking the piss, considering nearly everyone expects a paddy to be ginger.
Anyway, like, whateverrrrr I’m actually spending the weekend on Fassbender’s home turf, so
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The greatest post EVER! Sigh…
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Oh, it’s my day! From the Desk of Clive Owen AND a splendid HGF!!!!!! Oh, what did I do to deserve this?
(I really don’t care…just.don’t.stop.)
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Fassbender is MINE!
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He doesn’t look very happy.
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oh my stars!
*fans self*
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Kaiser, I am glad I did not read this at work. My co-workers would think I’ve gone mad, hahaha. It was superb!
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Is Clive wearing a track suit with a leather jacket over it? And trainers? What’s up with that?
Craig Ferguson (another happily married man) just knocked Clive off MY lover throne. I need an attractive man who can also make me laugh….to the point of weeping. The Scottish heritage helps too-they are such rough boys!
Sorry Clive…
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I don’t find Clive Owen sexy in the least, but if I went to prison, I would like to be his pen pal.
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@ Kaiser:
1st: my current capitulation to fassbender is entirely due to your campaign on his behalf. your posts made me curious, then i was convinced by your review to watch x-men, now i’ve gone so far as to think he’s disturbing hot as jung. so, thanks a lot. you check those fassbender tumblrs, right?
2nd: i fell for the clive when i watched the much reviled beyond borders years ago for angie. it occurs to me many of the guys on your hot list have co-starred with Angelina, like GButler, McAvoy, DCraig, etc. i feel it highly imperative that in the near future you make a comprehensive post rating the hotness factor of each of those Angelina pairings, supplemented with visual aids and peppered with your inimitable prose. it will be magnificent. please!
3rd: if fassbender should star in something with angie, that would be v. hot.
4th: love clive’s letters. so many times i read about some other blogger getting to interview stars and i wish you were the one doing there instead. cos you would be awesome. keep it up!
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Kaiser, have you seen fassbender in fish tank? if you haven’t, I strongly recommend you do. He was shirtless, singing california dreamin’, dancing, on his boxers, etc…just saying…
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by the way… these things happen in different scenes…
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Yum.
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Kaiser, you luscious minx. You torture me so.
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