I’m one of those people who gets very squeamish and grossed out when someone launches into a tale of medical drama. I can handle and all kinds of fictionalized violence (thus, my love of crime stories and cop shows), but whenever someone starts talking about broken bone this or distended uterus that, I need to take a deep breath and think about kittens. Example: I was waiting at the mechanic’s, and I was listening to this woman’s one-sided conversation on the phone. She was going on and on about how her friend had broken her leg in four places. I got so nauseous, I had to leave the room. It was like I can actually FEEL these ailments, and I swear that my own leg felt broken for a good 15 minutes.

So, you can just imagine how I am about women describing their birth stories. I can just do without them, honestly. I don’t begrudge you your birth stories, and I’m sure you’re all very brave and strong and wonderful but SHUTUP. Whatever you describe, I can FEEL it. So, with that introduction, here’s Jessica Alba’s story about the birth of her second child, Haven Garner:

THERE is often a brief spell of domestic chaos following a new arrival, but when Jessica Alba and Cash Warren invite us into their LA home, we’re greeted by a scene of near zen-like calm. Here the couple introduce six-week-old Haven Garner Warren, younger sister to daughter Honor (3).

And Jessica Alba and Cash – who met eight years ago on the set of Fantastic Four – chat to us about Haven’s unusual birth, living in a female-dominated household, and keeping their romance alive.

“When Haven was born, I fell in love all over again,” says Cash. “It’s the most incredible experience.”

“Love at first sight,” says Jessica. “It did take a couple of days for it to sink in that I have another baby!”

And while Cash loves his burgeoning family of girls, the situation does have one slight downside.

“There are lots of strong women around,” says Jessica. “If there’s any discussion, Cash doesn’t win. Girls have the majority vote here!”

She told OK! magazine: “When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor grabbed the nurse and said: ‘Look at this!’ I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: ‘Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!’ The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.”

“When I was in recovery we still hadn’t chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her ‘safe haven’ and it clicked right then for both of us.”

[From OK! UK]

OMG. O.M.G. The baby in the amniotic sac! Surprisingly enough, this is not even close to the grossest or most uncomfortable birth story I’ve ever been assaulted with. Please don’t even start. But… you know what I think the funkiest part of the story is? “He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: ‘Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!’” DUDE. Put your scrubs on before the baby comes out in its own amniotic sac, for the love of God.

Photos courtesy of WENN and OK! Magazine UK.