Dear Charlize Theron:
Girl, STEP OFF. I know you love Michael Fassbender. I know you saw Shame and you felt a tingle in yo’ drawers. I am familiar with the sensation. But bitch, you best get in line. Enough with the flirtations. Enough with casually discussing The Fassdong in interviews. Enough with staring into his eyes and draping yourself on top of him like this is a Harlequin romance novel cover. You are not starring in L’Fassdong: Passion of The Cunnilingus. I do not need to see your heaving bosom as you sink your claws into his back and neck (and he furiously tries to release your grip).
Charlize, this is your second W Magazine cover in six months’ time. W Mag’s editors love you. They love you enough to put you on the cover again with the man you hope to make your boyfriend. Was this photo shoot set up your idea? Girl, you should be ASHAMED. Also, I have to ask, Charlize: why is this W cover for the August issue? Prometheus came out more than a month ago. It makes it seem like W was running a “filler” cover for their August issue and they just came to you and you handed them some of your homemade Fassbender p0rn. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
Girl, I know you love Fassy. I know he’s your type. You love a lanky, flirtatious Irishman. I remember Stuart Townsend, and I know you probably miss him a little. That’s fine, girl. But Fassy has a girlfriend (Nicole Beharie), and he keeps mentioning her in interviews so that his horny, Fass-obsessed fans will stop obsessing over him. This is his polite way of telling you to step off. Are you listening?
Love, K
P.S. Because I love you, Charlize, I’m going to include some of Fassy’s last W Magazine photo shoot. You can use this to make yourself some more homemade p0rn, girl.
Photos courtesy of W Magazine.
I should like this but I don’t, both good looking and sexy and this shoot is just meh
Right? I got so excited to see the Fassy headline but when I clicked to open I had to see this crap.
Even if I block out Charlize with my hand (because really, who needs to see her?) Fassy still looks sweaty and blue, with his “elevens” screaming at me in anger.
Boo 🙁
The photos below are fantastic but as I’ve seen them a million times, it doesn’t really make up for that atrocious W cover.
This wasn’t the Fassy fix I was looking for either and since picture #3 of the last shoot is permanently embedded in my brain, those didn’t help at all.
I did like Kaiser’s letter to Charlize though. Bitch might be (imho) the most beautiful woman in the world but clearly not Fassdong’s type. Of course neither am I, but since Fassy is not typically my type and I’ve completely gone out of my comfort zone to obsess about him, this bitch isn’t steppin aside because he doesn’t seem to prefer white, with slight freckles, blue eyes and light auburn hair…nope I’m gonna hang tuff.
Hi Chatster!
Funny because Fassy isn’t really my type either-dude just has mass appeal you know?
Agree about Charlize-so far from his type. And so am I 🙁
Chat-you have similar background and beliefs as Fass-you would have a lot to talk about in between sessions in the sack! That should count for something.
For myself, well I’m just screwed 🙁
And not *Fassy-screwed*, just screwed 🙁
Kitty! How the hell are you?
Yes, well Fassy does have a bit of the bad boy mass appeal…I think that is the attraction for me. And yes, I envision driking some Killians and munching hot wings while having some discussions on our Irish backgrounds and religious upbringing in between rounds. Fun right?
That is so much more then I could have done with Joe…but so much less then I could do with Matt.
And you may not be Fassy-screwed, but you are NOT screwed screwed! Sidelined a bit maybe, but that’s all 🙂
Permission to be third wheel on your date? I won’t be able to contribute much to the conversation so you’ll get the spotlight. I just want to tag along to stare at Fass and eat wings! 😀
Ha ha..Joe blew it big time. Maybe Bomer can come on the date too. He can serve as extra eye candy….
Fass totally has the bad boy thing-but just enough bad boy, not too much 😉
Hello Kitty! Yes, please we’d love to have you and you must converse, we will share wings and things and Fassy! It’ll be great.
My ideal would be Fassy, Bomer, you and me and Joe would have sit in the corner and watch with envy because the doofus screwed up big-time with the leggy Burlesque dancer and besides, he wouldn’t add to the conversation anyway. I am really really pissed at him…HMPH!
That cover is a photoshop DISASTUH
I hate when they use these blue shades. It looks unnatural.
+1
+2
I don´t like it either
gosh. don’t they look like they really want that 50 Shades of Roles.
Lol. Very 50 shades of grey. Oh Fassy you can be my Christian Grey. 😀
LMAO…..omg Kaiser, your short address to Charlize, lmao I can read in the undertones of bitchiness, too funny. Love it!
Fassy, what can I say, that I haven’t already said about your total hotness, to put it in the words of the eloquent writer yesterday “How can you not sit on this face”. Indeed
LOL, I love reading Kaiser’s letter, too! 😀
Shirtless in bed in Levis ain’t my cup of tea ,as I find it unintentionally funny.
If Cumberbilly ever get’s his shirtless-in-Levis in bed photo spread, I’m going to laugh until England itself gets tsunamied by my tears of wtf.
Charlize looks great on the cover…and yeah…she should hook up with Cumberbilly, because that’s even more hilarious than celeb in bed in Levis trying to make you moan.
If she moves onto The Batch, bitch still needs to get in line.
She may be gorgeous but she’s a bit slow on the uptake, isn’t she?
Just YouTube Oscar round table 2012 and she’s all but SITTING on Fassy. Has she never heard the word ‘subtle’?
Hell , rewind this photo 45 yrs and you got a photo of me and my long lanky Irishman ..LOL…….
But be cautious Ladies …its a Life Sentence……you catch on of these rare wild creatures and gain his total loyality and love…and you will never be able to get free again….
Not that I want to be free…..!!!….
What a very sexy man…..Makes you want to smack the smile off his face, as you are ripping his clothes off and having your way with him……LOL…
She is so unbelievably beautiful. Not a great cover though, and I don’t get the Fassbender love at all. Charlize is waaaay out of his league, and I have no clue who Nicole Beharie is.
Oh puhlease. Charlize and Fassy have already done it. So obvious.
The cover works for me… I kinda like the drama of it all.
“Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender sizzle onscreen”? Well, they may well sizzle onscreen (and I have my doubts because for a beautiful woman Theron is glaringly unable of hotness) but on this cover they couldn’t be more bland.
Kaiser put that trick in her place what the hell is this? I have seen better art on tumblr. That trick better not have any homemade sex videos of our beloved or she might catch a beatin’.
LOVE the cover!
BRAVO!!!!
Charlize….go and take care of your baby, I had had enough of your fassdongnation for a while.
Shirtless fass. Thanks for finally making it all better. The man could just read a toaster oven manual shirtless and I’d orgasm. Oh that voice.
Fasbitches? God, why are women so gross?
Thud.
That last pic of Fassy!!!
Your comments are so funny and so true . I can’t wait to get this mag . Love me some FASSY. I love that Michael and Nicole are still together . I love the way he speaks so lovingly about her . I’m like a 100% sure he ( Fassy ) is NOT interested in Charlize . But Please keep posting more and more about Fassy ! 🙂
God I can’t stand Charlize, I’m so sick of her banging on about Fassy too, she’s so over rated, she’s one of those freak chance Oscar winners like Paltrow who win but have a whole career of crap films. she’s apparently a major bitch in person too, and I’m sorry but I have to say it, but who adopts a baby only to have a nanny look after it while you make back to back movies and then time promoting them.
Yeah Young Adult was a REALLY crap film. NOT. Girl, have you even seen her films? I feel like you are basing this off of one crap film – aka Aeon Flux. Even in films that didn’t soar BO wise (and some critically) – she was always the standout. Do not compare her to GOOP. GOOP is awful and WAS awful in Shakespeare in Love. One of the worst Oscar wins. Theron is a fearless actress and well deserving of all the fame and accolades in the world. She’s one of the few actresses that actually strives to reshape the traditional roles for women and succeeds.
Young Adult was one of my favoritie movies of last year and Theron was FANTASTIC. Look, we all want to hate her-she’s gorgeous, she’s talented and she’s worked with The Fassinator.
But the bottom line is the girl has chops like nobody’s business, and she’s a far cry from the likes of Paltrow (who really isn’t all that terrible either).
Hollywood is so trying to make Fassy and 50 shades happen. UGH! Channing Tatum is practically begging for it! Pick him!
Kaiser,
Don’t be mad but what if this was Fassy’s idea? He doesn’t look like he was drugged to the photoshoot. I know you hate 50 Shades of Grey. What if Fassy is using the cover to sell himself for the role. The people who made Social Network are in charge of the 50 movie so it could better than the book. Fassy as Christian Grey will make anyone swoon.
“What if Fassy is using the cover to sell himself for the role. The people who made Social Network are in charge of the 50 movie so it could better than the book.”
No. Just NO.
I hate to say it but Fassy would be a good CG. I mean Azazeal (the role I fell in love with him in) is just a supernatural CG. Don’t see why Fassy lovers are hating.
I didn’t even know that was Charlize. Thought it was just a random model.
Where is Prim to defend Charlize? 🙂
It’s not because my fasslust is ending, but I got say he was super flirtatious with her during the MTV awards, if you saw the MTV cameras online you know what I am talking about. He should talk about his girlfriend considering he likes her, but flirts with other co-stars all the time (allegedly).
Stop blaming the woman! yeah, her Fassdong references are so annoying, but he is not a Saint!
Actually, when I watched the MTV video I saw the complete opposite. She was very flirtatious and he seemed uncomfortable and out of place the whole time. After the little act they did on stage he didn’t even stick around and he left the event.
I have seen him flirt and be playful with some of his costars (like Gina and Noomi) but Charlize is not one of them.
Exactly Mimi it looked like he was trying to get the hell away from her while they were watching the screens offstage she kept touching him and rubbing his arm. Some people’s lust for the Fassdong must be ending cuz Charlize was acting like a complete idiot during the promotional tour. Even after Mihcael mentioned his girlfriend, she was just relentless at trying to get his attention. Michael was trying to keep it strictly professional with that chick and she knew it that’s why she tried so hard (lol)
She did that. But whenever she left her side, he would wait few seconds and looked where she was and moved to where she was and talk (whisper) in her ears and they would laugh. This happened many times. They had had something during the Prometheus shooting and she thought it would last. I say again: he is not a Saint!
ps: I am not saying he cheated on Nicole, but,as we say in my country: I would not put my “hand on the fire” for him
As much as people want to refuse it, I do think Michael has flirted with Charlize before. Not as much maybe as she has with him lol but yea I can see it. Doesn’t lessen his relationship with Nicole though. The man like to flirt, watch any interview with him and a pretty lady and it’s obvious that it’s just his personality. Same with Charlize.
Dear Kaiser,
Thank you for reminding me once again why I love coming to this site so damn much! The pictures are lovely too, but unfortunately there’s lots of ‘Fass’ here without the ‘dong’, which is a bit sad : (
Whatever, Charlize is awesome! She can talk about any dong she wants. You guys are just irked that she gets to be in close proximity to the Fassdong, and she won’t let you forget it!
Hot. Hot. Scorchingly Hot. I’d climb in that bed in a heartbeat… with or without Charlize!
the cover is ok…mostly cuz Michael’s face is more visible! LOL
Love Herr Fassbender and reckon he and Charlize would be in their own bubble of absolute freakin hotness if he hooked up with her but..I am English so I need to know: What is it about Robert P, Benedict Cucumber-patch, and Tom Hiddleston that everyone makes them want to take their knickers off? Ok, I know I should get it, given I love Fassy but he has pretty delicate features- the rest of them… aren’t they all a bit odd ball?
Yea it’s a weird phenom. Brit boys seem to be taking over everything. I guess it’s the accents, makes them sound intelligent. Bonus points for actually being intelligent (public schoolboys so hopefully they picked up something at those fancy schools. Americans don’t really understand the toff [ugh] thing). And that British coolness (read aloof)? Don’t know it’s an interesting turn from the classic Americana pretty boys with strong jaws (Affelck, Pitt, Hamm).
Although in Fassbenders case, he’s cheeky, yet slightly scary in his intensity. Sexy. And he has blue eyes. You lot seem to have blue as the more dominant gene (whereas in America that would be brown).
Uhm for me it’s nothing to do with the accent…I mean picture #3 of the first shoot says all I need him to say thank you very much.
Brit boys seem to have that something extra…wit, charm, intellect…American boys with that extra include John Hamm, Clooney, Pitt.
I don’t get the cute guys who are just looks like Zac Effron and that Taylor Lautner…looks with no personality is a huge turnoff for me.
He looks so uncomfortable on that cover and you can’t even see Charlize’s face. Bad cover.
As for the whole promotion thing…yeah he looked uncomfortable around Charlize the whole time while she was flirting so hard and he looked like he wanted to get away from her the whole time.
I even cringed a couple of times when she was literally on him and he was like O.o …..lol
It must suck for Charlize. Here she is one of the most beautiful women in the world and she can’t get Fassbender in the sack because she ISN’T his type. Poor thing. That’s why she’s getting desperate (and going to these extremes). Must really make a dent in her ego. It certainly seems to be doing something to her mental state (she’s turning into a creepy stan. And publicly to boot).
….are you for real?
Her ego is fine I’m sure. Sweet of you to worry though. You are right about one thing though, she IS one of the most beautiful women in the world. One of the most talented actresses too. I’m sure she’s doing just fine in life.
LOL! This is the best thing I’ve ever read. I love both Charlize and Michael (they’re beautiful, talented, intense, and hot), so I really was expecting a much sexier cover. This is kind of strange.
The man has a girl friend had had said girl friend when he was filming. I think Charlize is disrespecting his life and his girl friend by talking about his private parts. But I guess his girl friend is not “good enough’ for him so everyone is all ok with pairing him with Charlize.
The man is obviously not interested.
*sigh* Really Kaiser? You think Charlize PLANNED this whole photoshoot as an attempt to “steal” Fassy? Like, it has nothing to do with the fact that they are both two of the most beautiful and talented actors around right now? CHARLIZE THERON is sooo desperate and lonely she has to try to get Michael any way she can? Get a grip ladies, take a deep breath. It’s a freaking photoshoot. Michael and Nicole are great and seem fine and happy. I’m sure they will overcome the devastating hurdle that is Charlize and her cunningly planned, photoshoots.
By the way the cover is weird, but they both still look gorgeous. Even Charlize. Yea, I said it. You can get mad now.
Megan…you do understand her letter is satire right? Perhaps not if you are new to CB…whose mantra is “escapism can be smart”
Is it? Oh ok then, sorry about that if thats the case. I am fairly new here. I just have seen on a few boards people get up on Charlize for so many dumb reasons. Lately its had to do with Fassbender. People rip her for making a d-ck joke like shes the ONLY one who has. It was just annoying. I thought Kaiser had fallen to be one of them. My mistake 🙂 Thanks for clearing it up for me.
Charlize Theron & Michael Fassbender sizzle on screen
Are they talking about Prometheus? Because no they did not. Charlize’s character was cold and intimidating and David was well, emotionless and slighty creepy.
As for that cover, who the frack thought that was a good idea? I love them both but they look like they’re on the cover of a cheesy, sleazy romance novel that’s been left sitting in the sun too long. Plus for a second there I mistook him for Jake Gyllenhaal. Com’n W, Fassy and Charlize deserve better than this.
Ok. Not really feeling the cover. At all. I mean both look good I guess, but it looks so…fake. If I buy a magazine with, IMO, the two most flawless beings walking this earth, I want to be blown away. I’m feeling a little underwhelmed. Not to mention disappointed. You cheated us W! This could have been awesome =(