Jennifer Lopez covers the February issue of Harper’s Bazaar, and I am outright loathing the photo shoot. It could have been so cute and amazing – Jennifer Lopez in Istanbul with sparkly clothes! And no Terry Richardson! Instead, photographer Katjia Rawles shot J.Lo exactly like Terry Richardson would have (overdone, washed-out “glam” lighting, p0rny posing), and whoever did Jennifer’s hair needs to rethink their career. A middle part with her normally bouncy, lush hair slicked down at the top? Gross. My New Year’s Resolution was to find new things to bitch about, and my list has already begun: I will now yell about bandeau bikini tops and center-parts.

As for the interview… it’s typical J.Lo. She’s a decent interview, capable of being “revealing” but not giving away everything. You can read the whole piece here, and here are some highlights:

Being on tour: “Last night I was so tired, and having to do a concert was daunting, you know? But Mom just said, ‘Close your eyes,’ and she held my hand the entire way over.” As for Max and Emme, “they are used to being around a lot of people. They’re open, happy, curious, smart, loving, affectionate. They’re”—Emme tumbles over the couch—”rambunctious.”

On Casper Smart: “He’s fantastic; he’s like my best friend. I can tell him everything, when I’m feeling down, when I’m feeling good. He gives moral support, endless love and support.”

Why she left American Idol: “But I’m not a judge for a living. I’m a singer. I’m a dancer. I’m a performer. I’m an actress. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. It makes me a better parent, a better person.” As for the demented schedule, “I think I can just handle more than the average bear, you know?”

Her crazy entourage: When Lopez gets her J. Lo on, it’s as if she has an inbuilt wind machine. The machine around her is massive too: Along with her family and her longtime manager, Benny Medina, she has assistants, hair and makeup, security, a trainer, tour managers, and on and on. “I like the whole idea of traveling, of looking good, and doing it well,” she says. “I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids’ hair, pick up their clothes—that makes our life beautiful, you know? There’s something very elegant in that.” Lopez is also very disciplined: She doesn’t drink or smoke (“I’m on a natural high, baby”), avoids sugar and salt (apart from sour-cream-and-onion chips), and tries to get eight hours of sleep a night.

Jennifer doesn’t care about her tour rider: Lopez’s legendary tour-and-shoot rider remains an eye-popper. Among other requests, there’s one for a “white love seat.” But this list does Lopez a diva-like disservice. She doesn’t care if there’s a love seat or not—in fact, she bursts out laughing when you bring it up. “Oh, was there a love seat?” Nope. “I didn’t notice!” As for minions carting tons of white candles around the world? “No, never. That’s an old myth.”

Aging: Lopez describes herself as “philosophical, you know, now that I’m 25.” Wry chuckle. “When I turned 40, I was like, huh. I accept myself more now. It was much more comforting.” She characterizes her mental age as “16 to 18. That’s when I became the person that I am. Even though I didn’t realize the whole journey I would go on, I still feel all that youthfulness.”

Jennifer’s worst days: “The worst is when I’m tired. It’s the overworking, which I’ve learned to say no to. I’m not my best self. I’m at my best, I think, when I’m giving love. I feel my best, I am my best, I need my best.”

Her film, Parker, with Jason Statham: “It’s one of those action movies that’s kind of cooler, you know? It recalls Out of Sight a little bit.”

Jennifer’s style: Over the past two decades, she has evolved from a “boyish, hip-hoppy sensibility: big hoops, sneakers, tank tops, and my big curly hair. When I got into the business, I developed a love of monochromatic looks.” But then she “added that sexy element to it. Then it was classic things, movie stars, Jackie O. And now,” she says, exhaling, “all of these things mixed together, that’s my style.”

Her famous green Versace: “I have that at home,” she says. “The other day, my housekeeper put it on a mannequin in my spa, where I get my hair and makeup done. She sent me a picture. She was like, ‘You like this dress?’ Um, yeah, but I don’t know if I like it out in the house!” Smart, who has been diligently on kid watch, pipes in. “But it’s famous! It’s the most famous dress you’ve ever worn.” (Joke that Emme can wear it in a few years and he looks horrified: “Oh, God, no!”)

[From Harper’s Bazaar]

You know what always cracks me up? How much Mariah Carey hates Jennifer Lopez (and I’m sure the feeling is mutual), because they are so, so similar. Couldn’t you just hear Mariah saying something like, “I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids’ hair, pick up their clothes—that makes our life beautiful, you know? There’s something very elegant in that”? That self-assured praise of oneself for doing absolutely normal things? Imagine if we all talked like that? I got up this morning two minutes before my alarm went off, because it’s so elegant to do that, and then I peeled my own breakfast banana, because I am an everyday hero. Then I ate some yogurt like a boss. Then I went to my computer to work because I am just like Jesus Christ.

Photos courtesy of Katjia Rawles/Harper’s Bazaar.