What Would Ryan Lochte Do if he had two brain cells to rub together?

I know that title is harsh, but it’s hard to come up with a more accurate one after sitting through E!’s premiere of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do.” Lochte may be at home in the pool and showing off his gorgeous bod in photo shoots, but when he opens his mouth you wonder how he’s able to function out in the world. Apparently he has a sports management bachelor’s degree from the University of Florida, which was surprising for me to find.

Ryan Lochte’s new half hour “reality” show premiered last night on E!. Ryan comes across as dumb, as only interested in women, partying and training, but we also see that he’s tight with his family. He’s a relatively harmless, inoffensive character, and it’s hard to be interested in his life at all. E! wants to keep us watching, and they cut scenes at a dizzying pace.

At one point in the show, in a camera interview segment, Ryan addresses the fact that that the press calls him a douchebag. He asks, in all stunted seriousness “What is a douchebag?” The scene cuts to Ryan showing off a gaudy diamond encrusted watch and exclaiming “$200,000 on my wrist. Jeah!” Slow clap for E!, although this material kind of writes itself.

We’re treated to scenes of Ryan playing flag football and partying with his friends and family, dubbed the “Lochterage.” His buddies follow him around and party with him as he yells things like “Let’s Turn it Up” while wearing a t-shirt that says “Turn it Up.” He continually refers to himself in the third person and speaks at a level that would be below average for a fifth grader. “Being Ryan Lochte is fun.

We see Ryan hit on various women interested in his fame. The attraction quickly fades when they realize he doesn’t have much to offer. He tells the camera “I don’t where my love life is going. There’s millions and millions out there. I don’t want many I just want one. Why can’t I find ‘em?

The real stars of the show are the Lochte family, including Ryan’s olders sisters, a younger brother and his mom. They know their famous brother is stunted intellectually and they look out for him. In one notable scene, his sisters coach him about dating. They scold him for taking all his dates to the same sushi restaurant in Gainsville, Florida where he lives. Ryan’s sisters tell him that women talk. He explains “It might be the same place, it might be the same table, but it’s a different girl.”

When his sisters joke that he’s burned the popcorn for movie night, Ryan says the popcorn is “nice” and that he wants to watch a romcom. “I didn’t burn no popcorn. It’s actually really nice… we’re not watching no scary movies. One of my favorite movies is ‘What Women Want,’ that Mel Gibson one.

As we saw in a preview for this show, Ryan can’t remember how many medals he won at the Olympics. He does remember how it felt when he won a gold medal, though, and he started crying when he recalled it. This guy has a heart that shines through when he’s not partying, desperately trying to figure something out, or training at the pool. His family is full of characters, but when the central one is so one-note, it’s hard to see how this show can retain our interest. I won’t watch it again.

Photo credit: WENN.com and PRPhotos

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72 Responses to “What Would Ryan Lochte Do if he had two brain cells to rub together?”

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  1. melca blue says:

    The show is without content, but made me laugh. He’s so cute though.
    I would watch again.
    I would tell him to be still and just be pretty.

    • Amelia says:

      I remember during the Olympics one of my friends said he’s the human equivalent of a dog at Crufts;
      A fine specimen to look at, but usually a little too inbred to do any decent tricks other than parade around looking lovely.
      (That’s not a slight on him and his family, btw.)
      Aw. I just want to pat him on the head.

    • Melma says:

      It was pretty much what I expected, and even made me snort-laugh a couple of times. Especially the things that are not supposed to be funny, when he blew on his niece’s stomach. He just looks sooo dumb all the time.

  2. Lisa says:

    I haven’t seen it, but it sounds like maybe it needs either a very strong sidekick-like friend to take on a co-starring role or it needs some kind of specific set of tasks for Lochte to complete. Maybe his family could give him advice on the different challenges, etc. It doesn’t sound like this guy can carry a show (not that I’m surprised).

  3. HappyJoyJoy says:

    Bless his heart. Might as well shoot that reality show in a tool shed.

  4. mogul says:

    so basicly its masculine version of the kardashian except their main charchter has a talent, no sextape that we know of.

  5. OhDear says:

    Aw. I wonder if he gets that people are making fun of him (e.g. the Philly newscasters).

  6. RHONYC says:

    i don’t know why…but i had a dream that this dolt was trying to get with me.

    must of been ’cause i was sick with fever & flu. egads! :roll:

  7. lucy2 says:

    Well, at least it’s a guy playing up the stupid instead of a girl for a change, but I’m sick of “stupid” being the main premise for a TV show.

    Where does this guy get all his money? I’m guessing endorsements or something? Athletic careers are short lived. Save your cash!

  8. lovegossip says:

    The best thing I have seen him in was the FOX interview. Lmao THAT I would watch again. :-D

  9. Thiajoka says:

    I watched the Fox morning show interview at least three times this weekend and LMFAO along with the anchors every time I watched it. It’s gold, pure and simple.

  10. Stacy says:

    Well, it makes sense for him to cash in now, because let’s face it: As he ages, his looks will fade but he won’t get any smarter.

    If he tanks at the 2016 Olympics, then his star will fall even faster.

  11. BW says:

    “Apparently he has a sports management bachelor’s degree from the University of Florida . . .”

    I went to U of F. A BS in Sports Management basically means that he spent most of his time working out and partying, and took the minimum number of classes to get a degree. He took the easy A classes, and because he had a shot at the Olympics, the professors were either pressured to give him a passing grade, or as happened to my husband (grad student / teacher) the sports department went to the registrar and changed the grade he earned behind the teacher’s back.

    “I didn’t burn no popcorn.” This is his English and he supposedly graduated from a university? I bet he didn’t pass English class.

    • Hoya_chick says:

      Lol! This happened a lot where I went to college. The basketball players all did this and now all have degrees (if they didn’t leave for the nba draft) in ‘sports management’ or something equally ridiculous.

      Also, bless your heart for watching this CB! I can’t believe I actually thought he was cute back during the Olympics. So ashamed of myself. I am surprised you were able to find this on E! As every time I scroll past it, there is another krappy kardashian show on. That channel is utter rubbish!

      • Relli says:

        Hoya I will raise you one and tell you about the time I took watercolor painting with the ENTIRE basketball team for their art credits! Our evaluations days were killer and involved a lot of sports terms, team colors and block buildings. BUT NOTHING compared to listening to them evaluate all of the non sports paintings. It was like being in a class with 16 Ryan Lochte’s.

    • KanatQ says:

      Have family that works at UF, spent a summer attending before heading back to my original university. This is true. It’s easier than business (and I don’t say this as a slight to business majors, this is in the sense of “business for athletes”)

    • Cait says:

      To be fair, UF actually had to invent a major for Tebow (if I recall correctly).

      Like Lochte, he’s sort of pretty, but incredibly dumb.

    • jwoolman says:

      TMZ had a damage-control story after Lamar Kardashian’s charity story broke (contrary to what they told donors, none of the money has gone to childhood cancer research and all has gone to a couple of basketball teams in his old neighborhood). Some guy now playing B ball in Europe said Lamar saved him, got him into some private school and then into college. Guess what? He majored in “sports management”, too. I figured it wasn’t exactly a rigorous program, just a way to keep him playing basketball to pull in alumni money without letting those pesky reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic requirements get in the way. His private high school must have been the same. But there are only limited opportunities for pro basketball players (or “sports managers”), so it seems like a nasty thing to do to a kid who would always be one injury away from losing any scholarships.

  12. Annie says:

    OH! And you know who’s truly a douchebag and a bonehead? Hi, Michael Phelps. He’s seriously a lot worse in many ways and he’s very arrogant too. His partying is always way out of control and he’s always trolling casinos and blonde women. There’s rumors that he has trouble controlling his drink and he has gambling problems too. He’s always in Vegas.

  13. rosmarina says:

    I’m with CB – I got my fill last night and don’t need to watch again. Did you notice that the first few times he said the title of the movie, it was, “What Woman Want”? Seriously. So cute, but I think of him like this: when he puts a seashell to his ear, the seashell is the one that says, “all I hear is the whoosh of the ocean.” He’s smart to make the cash now while he’s nice to look at.

  14. Nanea says:

    Ryan Lochte “continually refers to himself in the third person”

    Is he friends with Kellan Lutz? If not, he should be. Just imagine – the battle of wits!

  15. scarlett says:

    I can’t bring myself to watch this at all. I feel like it’s time wasted and brain cells lost. I can’t work out if he is really that dumb or if he is always half baked or both. I think the complete lack of any intellectual horsepower cancels out the beauty.

  16. Seagulls says:

    Is he trying to bring back the Prohibition-era tiny tie, or is it just wee by accident?

  17. val says:

    Hmm, I will say that he is NOT as dumb as he pretends to be. He realizes that he can make a whole lot of extra cash from playing dumb. He is laughing his “dumb” arse straight to la banque!

  18. jaye says:

    He’s so pretty, but he’s as dumb as a bag of hair. Bless him.

  19. Emily says:

    Ohhhh brother needs to slap on some sun cream… he is already looking sun damaged and it is ageing him like crazy! Isnt he in his late 20s??

  20. iheartjacksparrow says:

    Every time I read the title of his show I start singing “What Would Brian Boitano Do?” from the South Park movie.

  21. betteboo says:

    Pitched as the male version of Jessica Simpson as she was when she fist came on the scene?

  22. Cait says:

    GO GATA.

    (Some of you will catch the reference.)

  23. StarTe says:

    Hmm…I like him! He’s harmless and I feel really bad for him that he’s getting made fun of. He seems like a sincere person especially in personal reports from teammates and other people that actually know him and have interacted with him. He is really handsome (I am not usually even attracted to this type but I won’t lie and say that he isn’t a good looking man) with a great body. I’d do him and just ignore his more annoying points. I ignore the annoying points of everyone else in my life…it’s not a dealbreaker.

  24. Sachi says:

    I don’t see him as a “harmless puppy” like a lot of people do, but to me he’s a real turn-off.

    Stupidity is never a good look.

    IMO he’s not charming or endearing, but it’s really annoying and exhausting to listen to him.

  25. Shannon says:

    “Gorgeous bod”…..ummm I don’t think so. His stomach is all sorts of weird and f*cked up looking. I don’t understand why people think he’s attractive. He really isn’t and he’s dumb as sh!t.

  26. Izzy says:

    If you have not seen the video yet where a news anchor totally loses it and laughs ’til she cries, after interviewing Lochte, you really should watch it. I was almost crying from laughter just watching it happen.


    EDIT: Sorry for the repetitive post, just saw other references to it above. Regardless, enjoy!

  27. Dani says:

    he is literally too stupid to function

  28. chria says:

    Does E! know how to cast a show that involve attractive but dumb people? like keeping up with the kardashians isnt enough…

  29. linlin says:

    He kind of sounds like Ryan Shay (?) from suburgatory.

  30. Carolyn says:

    Is Seacrest involved in this? Enough said.

    Jessica Simpson looks like a genius compared to Ryan.

    Some girls have fun with good-looking men. Smart ones don’t marry them. Good luck with that Ryan.

  31. Emily says:

    Imo, he’s not nearly as stupid as he pretends to be. He said a couple dumb things during the Olympics and realized people enjoyed him saying dumb things, so now he’s trying to make a career out of it. I’d prefer he had decided to be a model, but he wants the fame — dumb in itself, but nowhere near the level of dumb he pretends.

  32. lisa says:

    since i find all of the kardashians odd looking, E felt i needed my own show where a dumb person wanders around their own house.

  33. Ally8 says:

    Wow, this sounds like a prequel to Of Mice and Men: Lennie Goes to the Olympics.

  34. RdyfrmycloseupmrDvlle says:

    I cant laugh too maliciously at him as I really do think he’s somewhat impared. I think he knows enough to know that he is “the butt of the joke” and he’s ok with that to help him earn a living and get a show while he can. At least his ego isent so big he cant laugh at himself. I also think hes a lot nicer and more well regarded by his peers than Phelps.
    As I said…he seems to be technically “dim/disabled”. He’s doing the very best he can, which isent too bad in my opinion.

  35. Noodle says:

    I used to think it would be great to have kids that competed in the Olympics. After hearing Ryan and whats-his-face– Michael Phelps– speak…uh, no thanks.

    I’d rather have intelligent children than international athletes. Now I cringe anytime my kids’ swim coach starts trying to pump the kids up with Olympics talk.

    Lochte seems harmless, but not very smart.

  36. Jamie says:

    It feels so mean to make fun of him, like its too easy and actually kind of cruel. Awwwww.

  37. Andrea says:

    I’m sorry if you disagree but he looks like FUN! I’d love to hang out with him and be friends. If I got E! I’d watch his show. The man is an Olympian with 11 medals, he’s set for life if he manages his money correctly. I also think he’s making fun of himself, it’s a joke that no one has caugh onto.