The Cut published a lengthy essay-like blind item as a tale told by a personal assistant to a single mother/celebrity/actress. You can read the full piece here – it’s very, very interesting, and offers a glimpse into how crazy some (most?) celebrities are. This PA was a live-in assistant who basically did everything for her employer, even breaking up with the celebrity’s boyfriend, smuggling drugs to festivals and read her books for her.
Breaking up the actress’s boyfriend:
I broke up with a very prominent actor boyfriend of hers. She said, “Oh, we’re done making a movie together; it’s not really going to work; I’m sort of seeing somebody else. Could you just tell him to back off and leave me alone?” And she said this over the phone, over Christmas. She told me, “Accept the date on my behalf. Take the date. Go instead of me.” So, that’s what I did. You would think sending a text is the worst — no. Sending your assistant to break up with him is the worst. He had no idea it was coming, either, which was sad. Because when I was talking to him on the phone before, he was like, “Great! She said yes! Tell her I’ll see her here; I’ll order us her favorite wine,” and I was just like, “Okay!” Ugh. I felt horrible for him. I was like, “You do not deserve this.” That breakup was two weeks into the job. That was my initiation — Oh my God, this is what I’m doing?
By 7 a.m., she’d want to know everything that had happened in the news, what she should be aware of around the world. I was very well informed at that point. If she was up for a job, I’d go through the script with her. She was shooting a lot, and on those days, I would have to be her alarm, and wake her up at 4 a.m. And then later in the day I would drive her child and the babysitter to the set to visit her, and I would have to be around, in case the kid threw a fit, to take them back.
The celebrity would pick up her assistant at the bar?
To escape, I would have to physically leave her house at certain times. I took a lot of weekend trips. Sometimes the nanny would let me stay over at her apartment — I would drive around the corner and hide my car and hang out at the nanny’s apartment on weekends, just to sleep. And I would leave the house and just go drink a lot. I would go down the street from her place and walk to a couple of the bars. The bar owners knew me, and they understood, because she would pick me up sometimes — they would be like, “Trust me, I know what you have to go home to. These next few rounds are on us.” I would drink, and then go back and feed her, and then go to sleep in the office.
The celebrity thinks her palm reader is a therapist:
Once I got called in as an emergency because she said, “I need to see my therapist.” So I had to leave my family and drive over and pick her up, because she was like, “After therapy, I can’t drive.” That’s fine, I get it: So she’s in with the therapist, and I’m sitting there in the car, reading, and I remember seeing the therapist’s name — but she wasn’t a therapist. Oh no. She was a palm reader. She was a palm reader that we got a discount for in the gift bag at an awards show. She was a psychic.
I started to check all the details on the things I had to do for her. Like when I had to go to pick up her quote-unquote “herbs” — I didn’t realize until then: Oh crap, I’m a drug runner. She said “herbs” because she was being holistic, and I was naïve and thought it was something herbal to help her calm down. Once when we went to a film festival, I flew out early so I could lay out the clothes she would wear. When she got in, she was like, “Did you get my stuff?” What stuff? “Oh, I put some stuff in your bag.” Oh my God, I went on a f–king plane carrying drugs for you? I could have gotten arrested! You could have at least told me so I knew what I was doing, and put it in the bag that’s not checked! What are you doing to me? At least ask and say, “Hey, do you mind carrying for me?” Not that I would have said no, but at least I could have put it in a concealed location.
The actress has STDs:
I would go pick up her medicine for her, all her pills, and after that I started checking every little thing to see what it was. I was like, Oh my God, I know exactly what she has now. I realized I needed to warn whoever was with her about certain STDs. I called the ex-boyfriend, and I was like, “Hey, you need to get checked out. I don’t think she’ll ever call you.” And he was like, “Oh, sh-t. Thanks.” This was seven months after the breakup.
While the drug smuggling stuff and the breaking up with the woman’s boyfriend stuff is excessive, some of the PA duties just seem rather average. I’ve worked as an assistant before (not in Hollywood but God, my boss was THE BEST) and that kind of job attracts anal retentive, highly organized people who know what they’re signing up for. A lot of this PA’s complaints just seem… I don’t know, like, she’s just bitching about exactly what her job entails.
So, who is the actress? Michael K theorized that it sounds like Kate Hudson, and that’s a pretty good guess, IMO. I’m also getting some January Jones vibes, for real. And not just because my computer iced over when I was writing this.
Above photo credit: nicklt/photocase.com, frontpage photo credit: *princessa*/photocase.com