Before we get to the latest sad stuff from the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard saga, I’d just like to make one superficial observation: I’ve spent a lot of time the past few weeks going through years of photos of Amber, and I have a growing appreciation for her hair. She has really great hair, you guys. Okay, superficial stuff over. E! News has a new story based off of quotes from unnamed sources. The sources are pro-Amber, so E! News might be ready to choose sides. This story is basically “what was going through Amber’s mind when she decided to stay for two years as the abuse got worse.”
The fallout from Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce continues. Ever since Heard filed for—and received—a restraining order against her soon-to-be ex-husband, it has become a he-said, she-said case filled with allegations of domestic violence. Now a source on Heard’s side tells E! News that the couple’s relationship varied depending on Depp’s alleged drug use, but Heard would say she had faith that things would improve.
“Amber didn’t want to come forward about the abuse because she had faith he’d get better and that it would stop,” the source claims. But Heard has said that when Johnny was sober he wouldn’t lay a hand on her, but when it was a different story when he was under the influence. The source also claims Heard didn’t come forward before because she has “suffered severe emotional trauma.”
Our insider explains Heard would say that Depp would try to atone for his actions.
“Whenever there was an incident he’d apologize profusely and she’d forgive him. Until now,” the source says. “She’s now realized that his addictions got the best of him and that she couldn’t continue living this way.” Heard eventually told people that she became “scared of him and his temper” but managed to stay strong. “Amber is a tough girl and thick-skinned, which is why those close to her are surprised she has let this happen to her, and it’s taken so long for her to divorce him. But their love is unlike anything she has ever experienced and even through what is happening now she still loves him and wants him to get help.”
This is pretty much what I gathered from those text messages (now authenticated by People Mag) between Amber and Depp’s assistant. Depp would get high and/or drunk, he would abuse her, she would leave, and then he and his people would work in concert to manipulate Amber into coming back. Plus, as I’ve said, addicts always see themselves as the victims. Amber probably saw Depp that way too. As in, how can this man be an abuser if he’s the victim of his own addiction? And: if I tell someone, if I press charges, if I leave, that will just hurt him even more. That’s how people get caught up in the cycle of violence.
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.
So sad. I actually liked them together.
It becomes one really bad vicious circle, doesn’t it? Reminds me of the seriously disfunctional grownups I used to witness carrying on in the grip of their addictions and codependencies. The bad thing was that small children were in the middle of it all.
You know what I find sadder?… and it’s making me write my first ever comment on the internet, and on this site; which I like precisely for the intelligent witty comments and over all visible (and much appretiated) feminist voices. Is that this issue has hit such a sensitive nerve and has been so polarizing, that I feel it has blinded both “teams” on this matter. Just as much the Depp apologysts on other sites with their “She is lying!”, as in the final phrase of this report of Amber’s (supposed by the author) train of thought: “… if I press charges, if I leave, that will just hurt him even more. That’s how people get caught up in the cycle of violence”… so… “I will file for divorce, and sell pictures and texts to magazines in the -week- his MOTHER died, to hurt him… Less?” … Domestic Violence is a terrible and urgent issue that needs to be adressed, discussed, and punished. Severely. In any case. But to me, how we people get really caught up in the cycle of violence… is when we blind ourselves to the complexity of reality, and decide to support our views, by making cartoon angels and villains, by adopting a black or white mentality, by inventing narratives that -fit- our discourse. Why don’t we all try to get caught up in a cycle of compassion and understanding for TWO individuals with lights and shadows, with addictions and ambitions, with flaws, with hurt, with humanity, as we all. Let’s fight for Feminism, let’s fight against Domestic Violence, let’s fight Mysoginism… but let’s fight clean. Let’s fight true. Let’s keep our eyes, mind, and heart open, not blinded by anger. A big hug to all of you witty, intelligent, fierce, warrior CB commenters. 🙂 * <3
Yes! Ten thousand times YES!
Supporting someone who clearly backs an abuser like Depp, then calls it fair and even shouting it out loud?
Now that truly saddens me. What does this say about people? Does she have to die from her abuse to satisfy others? At the hands of Depp or another abuser?
What kind of point does this prove? A hideous one, if there is one at all. Just stop now, before you really show how deep misogyny and the culture of abuse is embedded in our society and by some of those who post on a site that is generally not this ugly.
CB is haven for those wanting true discussion, not fighting, victim blaming or any kind of awful shaming like this.
Patricia, You are my internet hero!
Talk to a DV abuse counselor,
It does not go both ways. Fight clean?
Sounds like you yourself are talking about violence. Arguing – and that can be bad enough, is not fighting.
She had every reason to leave him. Doesn’t matter when – once he hit her was already one times too many. She, not he is the victim in all of this. Never forget that. There are never two sides to the story concerning DV.
He choked her unconscious? That’s not good enough for you? Being almost killed is more than enough evidence that she is the true victim for me. Being hit with a phone is good enough for me. That picture of her on People magazine, which I just saw the other day? That’s more than enough for me. It took my breath away. It sickens me that she had to go through that. And that’s just what many have heard and seen so far.
It’s obvious that she is one strong woman to live through all that. If he had been a stranger and almost killed her would you make excuses for him then? I’m kind of doubting it, but who knows.
I know I wouldn’t. There is no excuse that anyone can come up with to explain his vicious and yes, murderous behavior. Read her friend and witness’s impassioned reply on her behalf. Do a little Googling, if it comes to that. But, I’ll say it once last time in DV there is the abuser and the abused. She is the victim. And Depp himself hasn’t denied that.
I didn’t get to edit – but one time is enough. There is an abuser and the abused in DV.
And yes the last time he abused her and sent her running for her damn life! That’s more than enough evidence for me!
Give this woman a fair chance to defend herself, even though she shouldn’t have to – I believe she’s damned well earned it.
“Johnny Depp never abused Amber when he was sober.” And?…
Also, that “greatest luv Eva” crap is just like its own addiction. She needs to break that habit too.
–TheRealPinky
And I have never had dinner while I was sleeping… but I have had many, many dinners.
Right?
I saw the headline and my reaction was so what. It means little other than maybe people think he could go to rehab and be better. Although, to me that is a stretch. Too much of this stuff we are getting from both sides is just crap, and while it means something to them it has little to do with their legal predicaments. It also makes this media war seem ridiculous. Since in a week they are supposed to have a TRO hearing, I am waiting for real things where people aren’t just spewing whatever is top of mind with no repercussions over what they say. They are reminding me of Donald Trump, and we all know where that goes.
My immediate reaction was also…so? While one incidence of violence is too many, I think it’s clear that being drunk or intoxicated was not a rare event for him. Must have been terrifying.
I have an addict family member and I don’t profess to understand addiction and I know it’s complicated, but he is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions when hes high, no matter how devastating they can be. It’s all about the disease (probably true) and we are all expected to just forgive any horrible thing he does because its not his fault, it’s somehow our fault for not behaving perfectly.
Blech. Yep. I have an addict stepson who has done horrible things (not physical but irreparable emotional damage) but it is NEVER his fault because “he’s a nice kid when he’s sober.” Bullshit. Abusive addicts have that abuse inside of them waiting to come out. I have never hurt someone because I was high. Quit with all the crap excuses people.
I don’t care for Amber but she did not deserve to be abused by him nor the press and friends going after her now.
I’m not the expert on addiction that many of you are, but Depp looks so unhappy and angry even when sober, and has described a rough childhood and talked about his inner rage. If he were sincerely remorseful about his abusive acts, and knew they happened when he was drunk, and truly cared about the women in his life as well as his children, then he would have moved heaven and earth to get clean and stay clean. Because during the sober breaks nothing stopped him from getting help. I mean, the Hulk tried to avoid getting angry!
I agree with you. My cousin is in an abusive relationship (10 years going) now and my best friend was a long time ago. In both cases, drugs and alcohol fueled the repeated, brutal rampages against them. Of course, the boyfriends are much nicer people when they’re sober, nice enough that I met them several times and had good opinions of them until the abuse came to light (never told, always discovered). In my cousin’s case, the abuse has become commonplace and even after her partner stopped drinking, he still rages out and knocks her around.
It also goes both ways. Sadly, my own father is an alcohol addict and is no longer functioning, though he used to be the “functional” kind, he’s moved onto meth in the past few years, once my youngest brother graduated high school. He’s made it very clear he won’t stop, we’re grown and gone, and this is what he wants to do, what he’s always wanted to do. He drank all through our childhoods though, and never laid a finger on any of us or told us anything emotionally damaging.
You abuse or you don’t; alcohol and drugs are just a catalyst.
If he knew he got violent when drinking, it was his responsibility to stop drinking. He is capable of quitting drugs and alcohol. He just hasn’t decided to do whatever it takes to get clean. His decision, his fault.
As long as it is “never your fault” you can keep drinking. Making excuses for him is just going to help him drink.
This is like a lyric from “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” in Fiddler on the Roof — “I hear he has a temper, he’ll beat you every night…but only when he’s sober, so you’re all right.”
+1000000 for any Fiddler on the Roof references!
–TheRealPinky
Honestly, that’s a classic sign of an abuser, they always apologize after and blame it on something else. In JD’s case, it’s his addiction. I also find it very hard to believe he wasn’t abusive when sober. It just probably wasn’t physical violence, more psychological and mental.
Amber needs to quite making excuses. If it continues this way, she will talk herself into going back to him and not proceeding with getting him out of her life. She’s out now and she needs to keep moving forward…
I think there are a fair amount of people who abuse only when they are high or drunk. Addiction is very hideous and can change personalities instantly. Doesn’t excuse his actions, but does explain it. Certainly not out of the realm of possibility. Aside from being the narrative we are getting from Amber it does explain her actions a bit better and his. One issue I have had with Amber’s version is someone who is going after Johnny pretty diligently now, and claims this was going on before they were married, why did she stay with him and marry him. I know women do stay with the men, but generally they don’t go after them as strongly and on so many facets as she has been lately. She just doesn’t seem like the type to stay for years with that kind of abuse. Now sure she could be, and I am just interpreting her personality from the media, but her explanation actual makes more sense to me. Also, I have wondered why Johnny wouldn’t just settle instead of letting her do this media blitz and ruin his reputation. Granted the lawyers didn’t give him much time, but they game him some and this didn’t have to come out. If Johnny doesn’t remember all of this, which is more than likely with addiction, it explains why he didn’t settle quickly. Again, not dismissing Johnny’s actions at all. I personally think addiction isn’t an excuse, but it explains actions a bit.
Exactly. Substance abuse is NO excuse for harming someone else in any way.
When I saw the title I thought of why she’d stay & how disappointed/hopeless/helpless she must have felt…..if he only abused her when drunk/high & was trying to clean up his act then I imagine that she kept thinking things might change. “If only he stayed clean then everything would be perfect” and how she might forgive him while blaming the drugs/drink.
Ugh- just another example of how this thinking is so painful. I feel for her & all other people who deal with this.
Personally- I think Depp is an abusive pos no matter what. Maybe it got physical when he was using but it’s no excuse and I bet it could escalate there when he was sober. He just may not have been sober very often so of course it’s always when he’s high/drunk. There are many, many addicts & alcoholics who never abuse people. Also- IF he wasn’t abusive when he was sober then he would have realized what he had done & taken some serious action to make sure it never happened again. The fact that he didn’t is abuse in itself to me. You don’t beat someone and then just decide the next day that it won’t happen again but take no action. I feel for her- having that carrot for so many years that was unattainable. Sad.
Except he might not remember what he did or said, or have a distorted memory of it.
But the abuse being restricted to times he was intoxicated makes sense because she married him while he was sober for a long period. She might well have always thought it would be the last time he did it because he would stay sober. The situation might have changed and his behavior became more dangerous, or she may have realized that she needs to let him go, that she can’t fix him and he needs to fix himself first.
I had a chief once who was always always drunk. He was a functioning drunk. I couldn’t stand him like that but everybody keep telling at least he doesn’t bother you. Basically I was in charge of the office. It was mostly a good thing until i needed directions from him and he was out.
He was not violent or anything else BUT it took me some time to realize he was emotionally abusive in a very smooth way. Sometimes he would ask me to do something work related and I was too busy or just didn’t want to do extra work and he would pursue me for days no end until I give up. Once it got to much and I rebelled. He started his smooth abuse and I started a scream fight. I was so PISSED he backed off. I thought it was it but no. The next day it started all over again as the work never ends. I couldn’t believe he was at his old ways again as nothing happened. I realized that’s how he had gone so far in life and in his profession. He never gave up his abusive ways. Sometimes I sit and try to recall all the episodes during my time with him as my chief and i laugh at myself. I can’t believe I was so blind and stupid. Now I also understand why his wife who is a teacher and a very smart woman never left him. Yes abuse has many forms and it’s ugly either way
It doesn’t make what he did any better, but it does perhaps explain why she stayed as long as she did. She was probably hopeful that the cycle could stop if he would just stop drinking/ using. Maybe she married him during a period when he wasn’t using or was making a real effort to clean up his life. I hate this “well if she knew before she married him, why did she marry him?” argument. There’s no good answer to that. It’s exactly the same thing as saying “why did she stay?”
Someone very wise said that rape culture is best articulated by the fact that alcohol is a reason to blame women for rape, and excuse men for rape. Sub “assault” in for rape and it reads the same.
To anyone who needs this:
ONCE IS TOO MANY TIMES.
Again —
ONCE IS TOO MANY TIMES.
Your friends, his friends, everyone will try to convince you that he’ll change, he’s sorry, he’s a victim of drugs/alcohol/abuse growing up, and that the situation is complicated.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
He might well be a victim, but so are you, and you ARE NOT OBLIGATED to bear the brunt of his victimization. You can understand him and still refuse to enable his behavior, to be his punching bag. He will not get better by being coddled. He will not get better if you change your behavior. This is not about you. This is about HIM BEING AN ABUSER.
Leave without guilt. Because they will implore you to stay, and then years from now will ask why you stayed.
Good luck, beauties.
Amen.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
I keep a postit on my bedroom mirror that says Once Is Too Many Times. It’s my yoga mantra. Never again.
Yes.
I couldn’t agree with you more, thank you for posting that!
But when you have kids, a life, a house .. it’s hard to leave. When they are so good most of the time .. How much do you put up with though?
Take it from someone who’s been there —
Your kids are being damaged psychologically from watching the abuse. I grew up in an abusive household, left twelve years ago, and I am still undoing the threads wound into my brain. I learned all the wrong things about human behavior and it wrecked my life for years after because I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was.
Most of the time is not good enough for you or your kids. And frankly, I resent my father for not protecting us from my mother’s abuse (gendered plot twist). I have a better relationship with them now, but we will never be close and they will always wish for more than I am willing to give.
Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or go to http://www.thehotline.org/
What NAP said. And because there are others who are good all of the time, and whose bad times mean they’re a little cranky or down or obtuse — but not abusive. Who don’t have to compensate for their bad times by “behaving” or being “super good” the rest of the time. There are other houses, kids deserve a life free of violence (even witnessing is damaging, as NAP said), and there are a million other houses waiting to be filled with peace and love.
“You can understand him and still refuse to enable his behavior, to be his punching bag.”
This really spoke to me. I was saying something similar the other day about a personal situation. Thank you.
This is a wonderfully important thing to understand. Remember, criminal justice researchers understand what drives most violent behavior. That doesn’t mean they seek those people out to live with them. Understand from a safe distance. “He’s unhappy,” “He had a rough childhood,” “He’s been drinking.” “His ex- cranked him up,” whatever it is — this is someone who does not know how to handle common life stressors in any other way but beating someone up.
Usually they wait a while to hit you. Make enough things your fault, make you feel bad about yourself, and/or isolate you. So that when they do hit you, you are confused. Was it my fault? WAs I being a bitch again? And have nowhere to go.
I am a now single mom with a successful career.It an happen to anyone.
YES. And the time it takes for the first physical abuse to happen is a kind of grooming period for them, during which they gradually break your spirit by alternating their romantic courtship of you with criticizing you, undermining you, controlling you, and isolating you. By the time the physical abuse begins, you’re JUST where they want you: bowed, abject, ashamed of yourself for no logical reason you can name, and all alone in the world because your family and friends feel unwelcome around him and have begun to stay away. That’s when your abuser feels safe getting physical, because who would you tell? You have no one but them and they’ve made you depend on them. You have nowhere to turn.
But to anyone who is being abused now, you DO have somewhere to turn. Now there are hotlines and shelters, as INeedANap has provided links to just above this.
Congrats, anotherK8, for making a good and successful life for yourself after the horror you went through.
This, completely. I get the sense that as strong as she is being now, that that very strength likely manifested itself in confronting him about his addictions while he was wasted and acting like a man-sized toddler, which is then when he abused her. It is nothing less than shameful that his enablers tried to force her to bear the weight of *his* problems.
This is why I love this site, because of people like you. Thank you.
Bravo, INeedANap, you’ve said it all. Thank you.
Yeah, once is too many times. Amber was charged with committing domestic violence IN PUBLIC (God knows how abusive she must have been behind closed doors) so she is and always will be an abuser. She wasn’t prosecuted because they were both residents of California NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS INNOCENT. Abusers learn how to play the system and turn it on others. I can’t believe you are all so blind to that. This woman is a succubus and an abuser. Full stop. Stop buying into her narrative.
Stop it Depp troll! This post is about Depp! Did you read her exes statement? She said Amber was WRONGLY accused and the incident was misinterpreted! Let’s not act like cops don’t make mistakes and overreact especially airport cops who are on high alert anyway.Allegedly grabbing somebody’s arm in public doesn’t prove long term abuse.Especially like the abuse Amber is accusing her husband of.And if you commit murder in on city but live in a different one, do the charges get dropped? There’s never been any proof of on going violence in Amber’s relationship with her ex but lots of proof of abuse with Depp. I believe Tasya. She has nothing to lie about.She’s not on Amber’s payroll and they’re still close according to Tasya.She also talked about Amber’s integrity and honesty and said she has the upmost respect for her.
Thank you, I Need a Nap. For years, I kept telling my sister: There’s no point in you trying to look nicer (she always looks lovely), keeping the house better (it always looks like a show home), having dinner on the table at the right temperature at 6:00pm and not 5:59 or 6:01, having the laundry done on time (it always is), wearing pyjamas to bed (forbidden – it had to be a nightie for easy access)…blah blah blah… None of it will do any good, because the problem is with him, not with you or anything you can “fix”. After 39 years, she was finally able to end it for good. Sadly, she’s deeply and permanently damaged, but with support, understanding and love, she’s able to live a relatively decent life, and is happy she was able to finally break away.
Oh, and he, too, only ever abused her after getting drunk. Hhe got drunk every day.
Excellent. Thank you.
This is what saved me from marrying an abuser. I grew up with it and promised myself in childhood, if I survived it, I’d never put myself in this situation willingly. First sign, first incident, i wavered. Took 3 incidents of physical violence and 1 sexual, on top of lots of emotional abuse, for me to see what was happening. Then I instantly knew it would never get better and it would keep escalating.
This can’t be said enough. Everything above is excellent and true. Leave. Do not wait, do not question yourself or ask anyone else what they think – just leave as quickly and safely as possible. Do not get into it with the abuser either. If they don’t understand, that’s not your problem. Just leave. And do it while they’re not with you so you can get away safely.
Tale as old as time…
He looks completely off his face in that last photo
To me the photo’s have been interesting..the decline of someone clearly an addict ..of more than one substance…If you take the pictures of Depp yesterday with Benico de Toro..you can see both but especially him were healthy and handsome dare I say..not just younger..
His bloat,pallor and general appearance is quite frightening…A study in addiction and I am not as familiar with others as to drugs..drink being the drug of choice from my experience etc..
If you said to me that his life expectancy is low I would not be surprised..if he looks like that on the outside how are his internal organs holding up?
it has been suggested as meth addiction ..do people decline as quickly with that as other addictions or quicker?
Compared to Heath Ledger or others who have passed away on drug overdoses he looks dreadful
He’s definitely an alcoholic and he does *appear* to have meth mouth/face. But the thing is, meth users are generally very, very gaunt.
Johnny appears bloated and if anything, he’s GAINED weight over the past few years due to alcohol, I presume.
Cocaine maybe? so he can drink more?
I’d say alcohol and coke because he’s bloated and not looking like a bag of bones.
I agree with the alcohol/cocaine assumptions. I think his teeth look horrible because of his incessant smoking. Hardly as though he gives a rat’s ass about hygiene in general, much less dental care specifically.
The pictures of Amber with Johnny are very telling also. In many of them, she looks like a hostage pleading for help with her eyes. Please help me escape! It reminds me of the way Katie Holmes started looking about a year before she divorced Tom Cruise.
I went to therapy before divorcing my first husband. Even though he no longer cared how badly or in what manner he hurt me, we had become so entangled in each other’s heads and I was so confused and disoriented that I felt terribly guilty for thinking of leaving. I was so invested in saving him and having everything be the way it once was. He was so messed up, I thought my leaving would be the final blow. I asked my therapist,”but what will he do if I leave him?” And she said, “He will replace you so fast your head will spin. You are completely disposable to him.” And she was absolutely right. He was remarried within 11 months. My point is, you stay for reasons that only make sense to someone who has been gradually brainwashed and sucked into the sick mindset of addiction.
But whatever the reason, it annoys me that people want her explain and justify it. “If it was REALLY so bad, why would you stay?” Because you believe you have to or the person will die. You’re wrong, but that’s part of the sickness in the relationship.
Oh, this just breaks my heart. Not only your story, but Amber’s too. I also left an alcoholic husband with 3 year old daughter in tow out of fear. But my therapist caught me still trying to take care of him (I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about when it happened) and I had that “ah ha” moment. He got sober, remarried IMMEDIATELY once the ink was dry on our divorce, and sued for custody of our daughter. Because I was single and struggling, had moved multiple times and would have had to put our daughter in daycare while I was working, and he had miraculously started actually making real money and could afford for his new wife to stay home, he won.
Oh the confusion the evil addicts wreak upon those of us who love them. In spite of everything, I still want Johnny to get to help and return to the man we all loved. God, I HATE addiction.
Your story breaks my heart, Crumpet. How horrible that he won custody of your daughter after everything he put you both through. Lots of love to you. I hope your daughter is ok and you see her often? I hate the addiction, too, and I hope Johnny gets help as well.
Every good wish to you..that is a mind boggling ,heart breaking story..I hope you have some happiness now and are reunited with your daughter ..
I have stayed away from these threads as they are so painful to me ..the terrible things the readers have had to endure makes me actually cry..
I wish you peace and love
I get her every Thursday and every other weekend. 🙁 But as the years have gone by, he has been more and more generous about letting me have extra time. He has stayed sober and is a good father, and for that I am so grateful. And stepmom is a good woman – though the thought that another woman essentially raised my daughter, whom I breastfed for two years – gave up my career to stay home with and was incredibly bonded to – is something I really struggle with. I probably always will. Some things you really can’t get over. But I set it aside in the times I have my daughter because it is important to be present and make the most of the time we do have together.
Thanks for asking, and thanks for listening.
Man…how do you even wrap your head around that?
Like, you spend years of your life letting this person suck you dry emotionally, putting every ounce of your energy and effort into saving them, basically acting as a nurse/therapist/counselor/romantic partner/caretaker for years–only to learn that in their minds you could have been anyone.
That is so psychologically damaging. I don’t know if I could come back from that…I’d just be so damn angry at them.
Kitten – I am not very in touch with my anger I have to admit. And it does come out in weird ways. I suspect my chronic TMJ and some other health issues may have something to do with it. I need to get myself back into counseling. Thanks for reminding me.
To Crumpet and GNAT, and to myself, having been there:
I always wonder what these men tell their new gfs/wives. “Hi! I punched my ex in the face because my sports team lost. It might happen to you. Second date?”
Or “Hello! I was a drug addict/alcoholic who psychologically tortured my ex wife. Let’s get coffee!”
Do those women know the whole story and think they are different? Or are they spoonfed a different tale?
Oh I didn’t know you have TMJ, Crumpet, I’m sorry to hear that. That would make sense though, spending years internalizing all that stress, clenching your teeth.
That was a nice parting gift he gave you. Sigh.
Man, I’m sorry you two ladies had to go through that. You’re both amazingly strong.
I saw this comment and so wanted to reply and couldn’t think of the right words. I am so very sorry that you went through this Crumpet.
I saw you mention that you need to go back to therapy. If you feel that way, I urge you to do so.
My dad is a recovered addict. He is no longer with my mom, though they never actually formally divorced. They have a somewhat cordial relationship. He put her through absolute hell while they were together. And for decades after they split, she sort of just dealt with it. Or more so—didn’t deal with it–buried it instead. Now, she is in her mid-60s and she is so incredibly bitter and unhappy. I don’t blame her for being angry. She has so much to be angry about. The reason I urge you to get therapy if you feel it would help is that my mom didn’t and now she is being eaten alive with bitterness. I have tried to help, but she is stubborn and doesn’t take help well. So I do what I can.
But I think those years of not dealing with her anger properly, in fact, sort of not acknowledging it at all— it lulled her into thinking things were “fine”. But the anger was there all along and now that it has come out she is so unhappy.
Maybe that would never happen to you. I hope not. But just in case, I just felt like I had to say something.
@INeedANap- they say the same story to the new gf/wife that they told you…whatever hooked you in, hooks them in too. And most of us are compassionate, forgiving people who give people chances.
My ex bf that smashed my windshield, knocked a soda out of my hands, threw a beer bottle at my car, smashed his cell phone, ran up my cell phone bills, etc was a sociopath who abused drugs. While his moods were definitely better when he was sober, he was still very controlling and would often twist things around to make me feel bad or blame me for something that went wrong. He also hated when I went back to work after being unemployed for a year because he no longer had control and he’d follow me around wherever I worked at. He never did anything wrong, everyone else did. . I was the only girlfriend he did not hit because I am close to my family and refused to allow him to isolate me. I also have uncles that threatened they’d bury him in hole somewhere if anything happened to me. But what he did do to me damaged me in ways that I am still coping with 14 years later. Some of the stuff he did, I transferred on to others. The rage built up from being with him that I started abusing others and the next guy I dated. It’s taken a long time to move past it. And when he overdosed and died, one of my friends tried to make me feel guilty for not attending the funeral. Really? His wife did yell at him for me, saying that I wasn’t obligated to do anything.
@ Kitten
Isn’t it a punch to the gut realizing that you’ve poured your life into someone and they considered you no more important to them than a potted plant?
It’s why now, when I date, “considerate” is a non-negotiable trait. If they aren’t trying to help my life, like I try to help theirs, I bail and tell them why. #neveragain
@Crumpet
I’m so moved by your generosity and maturity. To put aside all of this in order to be present in your daughter’s life is right and beautiful. But do take care of yourself. As so many people have pointed out, the anger will find a way out, even if it’s through your health.
@iNeedANap
My ex tells people that I just up and left after years of marital bliss. That I simply “decided I didn’t like being married.” People who didn’t know us then buy it, I suppose. People who did know he cheated and had a drinking problem. They don’t know everything, but they know enough. One friend told me that she heard a guy who knew us well explain to someone else, ” I guess she finally got tired of his bullsh@t.” That’ll have to do. As for his new wife, they divorced after five years, I recently learned.
Pamela – thank you so much for sharing your story. You are absolutely right that I need to get myself into therapy – the last thing I want is to be some ranting mess in a nursing home that my daughter has to force herself to visit. I will make that call today. It means so much to me that you shared your story, I have tears in my eyes.
GNAT – tears from your post to. I had a wonderful talk with my daughter while I was doing french braids for her this morning. She is 12 now, and I told her when she is 14 she is legally old enough to decide how she wants to spend her time. She instantly said “half and half Mom!”. That meant a lot, because in the past she has said she is afraid of missing her Dad too much (she really is a daddy’s girl). I’m not going to hold her to it, but it sure made me smile this morning. 🙂
Crumpet, GNAT, and INeedANap, you are inspiring people. I wish you the best.
Crumpet; my story is similar to yours. I wrestle with my anger. I see, on the one hand, that it is how we restore balance. On the other, I have feelings of revenge that tickle and demand, yet I know my children would suffer, so I see no option for redress. I am fortunate that my children are safe and whole, yet I was destroyed in my heart of hearts, as a mother, which was his intention. I know of no fix, but acceptance. Acceptance that evil dismantled me, and I was helpless before it, and I still am – because the events are in the past. The *** got away with it, with covert methods and lies that I could have never dreamed, because I am innocent of that kind of trickery. On occasion, I feel broken, yet my son tells me that I am the strongest person he knows. Bitterness makes me ask, “strong to endure this?! – whatever for, what is the point of it?” I wonder how to answer my anger; I am simply unwilling to go through the rest of my life with it.
Pamela, I understand your mother’s grief. Perhaps we don’t “Meet out Maker” but I feel there is an inner accounting that happens after life’s major events have been lived, and one feels shattered. Part of it is the frustration that one doesn’t have time to create a new landscape. How does one forgive, and abandon the debt? I feel responsible for being humiliated for his sadistic pleasure, quite simply. I chose not to punish my abuser for my children’s sake, and so the abuse never stopped (it became covert), and I am suffering the cognitive dissonance of punishing myself for injuries that were caused by another. Divorce was not enough to stop the insanity, and sweetness only another invitation. He is my children’s father, and making it easy for them, I created a very difficult path for myself. This response, however high-minded, cannot be the answer.
wolfpup, wolfpup, wolfpup, OMG!! You are the first person I have ‘met’ who knows exactly what I went through! I am floored, really. Yes, he did it all to ‘get’ me for leaving him – no one leaves him, he is the leaver (in his mind) and so I had to be punished. And the way he went about it was so SNEAKY and backhanded. He outright lied to me, and took advantage of the fact that I was willing to trust him to take her from me, physically, before there were any court documents that gave him the right to. I physically went to his house to demand her back – she jumped into my car and into my lap…. and he called the police. Tried to get me written up for having an expired license. They let me take her home, of course. The case was complicated by the fact that our divorce was in Colorado and I was IGNORANT of the fact that the first thing I should have done was obtain a mirror order in California. I had no freakin’ clue. And then I was stupid enough to sign a handwritten note for the school saying his house was her primary residence so she could be enrolled in a California school (I didn’t even have an apartment at that point yet). I TRUSTED him – after all the shit and the lying and the cheating. God, I could punch my own lights out sometimes.
I’m sorry – I am getting all worked up now and need to take a breather. Love to you wolfpup. You so beautifully articulated how it felt (feels) to have your babies removed from your every day care when you were the one taking care of them while your spouse was passed out from drugs and alcohol. And working 3 jobs because he couldn’t be bothered to – but then that fact would be thrown back into your face – that he had a new wife, who was MORE than happy to give up her career to raise your child. Excuse me while I go vomit.
@Crumpet your last post broke my heart. The way the courts are set up to validate trickery on the part of the “connected”, “clued in”, “affluent and/or more socially acceptable parent”! How you have to be a gazillionaire to fight after ones initial mis steps in the system. How the love you have for your child is used to manipulate and demean you. By all the lords and ladies it is gut wrenching. My your future be sweet and bright.
Crumpet, you are such a strong and goodhearted person to be able to give any credit at all to the woman who raised your daughter when you had from the start been such a devoted and loving mother and only lacked financial resources. Somehow you managed not to lose yourself in all that sorrow and injustice.
Love to you. (And although I enjoyed the wit of “Silky Malice,” I’m glad to see our beloved Crumpet back amongst us again. xxx
Crumpet, my only advice is to not give up trying to get your daughter. My children took turns living with me because their father really didn’t want them in the first place – teenagers are often the ones who decide with whom they live. During this time, I was very careful to not criticize their father because I wanted them to have both a father and a mother. I was unaware still, that he was the author of all my difficulties. Two years back my ex showed up (after being divorced for 20 years), sorry for the abuse (again, the sobbing), and then proceeded to tell me that he had been behind all the calls to family services, and all my other, ill fate. I think that he actually wanted to admire him for his great powers of controlling my life, while I was blind to it. He also told me that he had to just say the words, and my eldest daughter would be mine again. This, because during their growing years, they were subjected to his attempts to alienate them from me. This was done at a time where I had set down my weapons against him, and so the story he told our children, (full of lies, of course) was to became the semi-official one for them. After he told me this and left, I ordered all the documents from social services, and was shocked at what he had done to me. The worker had noted that there was domestic violence during the marriage, but since we were divorced, it could no longer a problem – and therefore he was credible to them – Ha! Now the research shows that a man becomes more dangerous after breaking up with him – by 70%. He stalked me by moving near my home, and then started a campaign to discredit me – and if I had had even a simple clue that it was him – I could have protected myself. My children and I have begun to discuss these things, because they are in their 30’s now, and I feel that they now have the maturity level that is necessary to discuss it without harm. I don’t tell them the horror stories, but I focus on how his crimes disabled me with confusion. Because I let go of the “story” so many years ago, (because they were children and I didn’t want them involved in adult issues), I have to accept the fact that he colored and obscured their reality, all while I was unaware. Everything he did to me, he did in secret. Yet, because of my decisions, years ago, to give them a father, I am locked into supporting their love for him; also, that talking about it brings divided loyalties for them.
One can never believe that because the divorce is over, that so is the abuse. Crumpet, keep fighting for your integrity and your vision! You ex is telling her bedtime stories about how wonderful he and his wife is – and how you are not. One never expects that loving a child would be full of this kind of struggle – but love is the only way we can define and defend who we are. I hope that your child learns empathy for her mother. I hope you treat yourself with great care – if you ever find a way to surmount the grief of it, please share with me.
What a great piece of advice from the therapist ..I wish I would have had that said to me..
I was very, very lucky. She saved my life.
Yes. So glad it worked out well for you, GNAT.
@GNAT. So sorry that happened to you. I had a very similar experience with my ex. He was so emotionally abusive it wasn’t funny. He fought me like hell to not get divorced. I’ll never know why because by that point he knew I hated his guts. I proceeded to move out and get away as fast as possible. A week after filing, he was living with his pregnant girlfriend. Of course I knew nothing about her prior to this. And my therapist told me basically the same thing as yours. She said even though he is fighting you, he will replace you immediately. It’s not you he wants, he just wants the security of having someone to take his crap out on. There’s a lot more to what happened, but I don’t want to write a novel.
Here’s to us for getting out! 🍷
Oh, GNAT, Crumpet, everyone else … it’s painful to hear what you experienced, and woe unto those miserable men. I had an ex- who went on to date not just 1 woman but 2, in different cities, at the same time. One of them discovered his duplicity, tracked me down and called me to ask what was wrong with him. I told her to walk away and not look back. It was validating, in its own weird way.
If people treat us as disposable, then we’re like tissues in their eyes and they can always buy another box of tissues. We need to remember we can walk away without guilt, because they will go buy another box. If we’re not singular and valuable enough to not mistreat us, then we are not responsible to them or for them. (And they can go f–k themselves for all we care…)
A friend of mine got sucked into that trap. Her bf wasn’t physically abusive but emotionally unstable and incredibly draining. She wanted to “save” him, to help him. She saw him as a wounded animal in need of love. Of course he just took and took and took, never improving much and just needing more. Every time she got to her limit, he’d cry and threaten suicide. She felt like she was the one holding him together.
Of course when she was finally done (I can’t even remember the number of conversations we had about him), he didn’t kill himself and found a new gf to emotionally leech off of almost immediately. It hurt her, but at least I was able to point out that he was more than capable of carrying on without her, no matter how dramatic he was about it. And fortunately she finally did get it and didn’t go back to him. Oh yeah, even though he had a new gf he’d call my friend up and beg her to come back.
GNAT, I understand your point, and no she does not owe anyone any explanation, except maybe the judge for the divorce or TRO, but this was kind of different if we believe the media reports he was doing it before they got married. This wasn’t a turn from sweet lover to domestic abuser as a lot are, and I get why people want to know why she would stay. If she explained it as you explained your situation I could understand that too, but her explanation if the above is correct is a bit different. Like it or not she also has a personality that has been defined by the media beforehand, and now because of their notoriety she is an unofficial spokesperson about domestic violence. She can be like Rhianna and not really talk about it, or she can take another route. Who knows maybe that was why she was speaking with Gloria Allred, although I think that would be a mistake, but just my opinion.
“He will replace you so fast your head will spin. You are completely disposable to him.”
THIS! I learned this lesson as well. I really feared and worried for my ex. He would do things like threaten suicide. I was exhausted and miserable and broken but guilt stricken over the idea of leaving him. Wow was I was wrong to worry. He found someone pretty fast, remarried and had a child.
So the only advice I’d give a woman in a similar situation is don’t put that weight on yourself. Listen to your gut. You can tell from Amber’s texts that she knew the situation was untenable but she kept getting sucked back in. For all we know Vanessa felt the same way “Oh I must stay. He’ll die without me.” Then she watched as he quickly replaced her with Amber. This sounds mean but we aren’t as special as we think we are. You can’t save people. Johnny has to fix himself.
Dear Wolfpup and Crumpet..
Nothing I can say will take away the pain you have…of course if you are able to speak to a professional ..or like minded people that must help
Of course you are angry ,as I am about your treatment but know you did this for the best reasons on earth..for love of your child
My Mother went back to my Father,in those days women did not leave..but her anger and the ensuing emotional and other chaos of my families life did take its toll on everyone
Please try to get support and please know that you are the real heroines in life ,facing terrible choices and making things better for your children..they will understand as they get older ..forgive yourself for some choices..you were tricked..
I wish nothing but the best for you both..you are brave indeed
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. All of you.
I thank you as well. I appreciate the warmth and tenderness of CB posters that encourage victims to come out and live once again, in the light.
It is indeed sad how addiction destroys people, even kind and loving people.
BUT when he strikes his wife it doesn’t matter whether he’s drunk or sober, it hurts the same. It hurts her physically and emotionally just the same. And the current PR war he’s waging against Amber is just disgusting.
I’m sure many have a story similar to this: I have an uncle who I have twice seen in a complete rage while drunk. I remember locking myself in a bathroom as a teenager and just shaking and crying while he threw things and screamed and my aunt was screaming trying to get him to stop, and his children were frightened under their covers in bed. I’ll never forget how scary that was.
This man is a sweet and loving and utterly charming person. He apologized with shame and tears in his eyes the next day. Thank god he didn’t hit anyone.
This kind of blackout rage can happen to lots of people suffering from addiction. I don’t think it makes them any less accountable for the damage they do to others. They need to take responsibility and get help so it never happens again.
Exactly. If drinking causes you to behave that way, it’s YOUR responsibility to stop drinking.
It reminds me of Ringo Starr’s story. He was a severe alcoholic and addict who woke up one day from a blackout to find he had gotten violent with his wife. He was disgusted with himself but rather than just go begging for fogiveness, he checked into rehab as soon as possible and has been sober ever since. No second (or third, or fourth) incident needed. That is how redemption is earned. Depp’s just a selfish loser.
@Mia4s
If I ever got so drunk I blacked out and punched my boyfriend, I would be so horrified and disgusted with myself I would throw out every drop of alcohol in the house and never drink again. it would not occur to me to just cry for forgiveness and keep drinking.
But I’m not an abusive a$$hole. So there’s that.
Succinct. That’s what I keep thinking, if Depp had longer periods between abusive outbursts, and if it’s true that he apologized, he had time to figure out how to clean up his act. He did not. That’s on him, not the drink.
THIS.
I believe he is sort of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hide, but still no justification from me.
Wow…just looking at those pictures, you can see what a mess JD has become. This story rings true to me. I was in a relationship, very much as described in the article. My man was fine when sober, but drunk, he was my worst nightmare. I kept thinking he would finally get his demons under control, but eventually figured out, that wasn’t going to happen…Plus, somehow, you feel like it’s your fault. What am I lacking,doing or not doing that makes this man get so drunk and angry. If only I could figure it out, he will be better and everything will be wonderful…rarely happens…
It never happens, at least the part where you find the “right” thing to do. The change has to come from inside the addict. I know you know that, I’m just reiterating.
I know you’re right, GNAT, but I wonder why it takes some of us so long to figure that out.
I guess I also wonder why there are so many of us.
Sure! It’s easier to stay sober with babies around, and Vanessa got him to do it somehow. Every other relationship he’s had has been a train wreck because of his booze addiction.
The difference with Vanessa is that she is independent and strong .
She never wanted the marriage but she was faithful.
She is famous by herself and since long time.
She already had some(long) love stories with other famous guys(Pagny and Kravitz) and she knows what she wants.
With Vanessa,when it is over,it is over.
She has no regret and doesn’t look back .
Do you know her personally? Because if you don’t all that is bullcrap.
From what Depp’s said in interviews she worked extremely hard nannying him and keeping him away from booze and playing therapist to him during his ‘episodes.’ None of that speaks of an independent woman. And no woman should be forced to play nursemaid constantly to avoid being hit.
Didn’t he dump her?
Because it is how Pagny and Kravitz describe her.
Because it is how my cousin who met her many many times describes her
Because it is how some of her collaborators describe her.
Because how Benjamin Biolay (her last ex) describes her.He cheated on her with another woman .Paradis knew it and she broke.When he tried to comeback with her,she said him “when it is over,it is over” and he made a depression ( like Pagny after their breakup)
The one guy for who she made some efforts was for Depp( probably because he was the father of her children)
Why did Depp dump her ? Because he was in love of Amber.
Yeah, I think that’s reading a lot in.
Vanessa didn’t get him to do anything. He chose to stay sober during that time, just like my ex has chosen to remain sober these past 9 years in order to be a good husband and father.
Nobody knows for sure how sober he was or not during that time. We just assume he was because we haven’t heard any incidents of bad behavior while he was living in France. But don’t forget that famous video in 2011 of Depp coming out of a bar and falling down drunk.
To be honest, I never really liked either of these two. JDepp was attractive in the 21 Jump Street days and Amber is absolutely stunning, but I was disappointed when Depp left his wife and I couldn’t like Amber when she knew Depp was married. She should never have gotten involved. Despite the characters of each one though, Depp is at fault for hitting her. What a fool he is!
Depp was never married to Vanessa, and frankly she’s better off shot of him.
Why do people always ASSUME that he left Vanessa for Amber? According to them that’s not what happened. Earlier this year a webloid had to retract a story claiming that and apologize to all three people involved. He just moved on really fast after Vanessa which isn’t uncommon for a man to do😆😆
This is the truth sista! Well said!
When is he sober? Pretty much every public appearance from the past year or so has featured him glassy eyed, unable to stand up straight, and practically incoherent.
I just wanted to say I am heartbroken at all of us who have experienced this in one form or another. To all the beautiful ladies (and handsome men if there are any 🙂 much love and support and admiration from me to you. And THANK YOU to Celebitchy for providing this forum and for supporting Amber and other women caught in the cycle of domestic abuse, and for providing such thoughtful and intelligent posts on the issue. These kinds of places are few and far between on the world-wide webs unfortunately.
Amen.
Agreed. I shudder to think how my perspective would have been manipulated (!) by mainstream media over this (lying golddigger narrative). Celebitchy gave me a new and crucial perspective, and enhanced –forever– my empathy for survivors of abuse.
+1
Thank you all for sharing your stories. *Internet hugs*
Thank you all. I have been able to share without feeling like I have to be ashamed for the mistakes I made in my situation. There is an understanding here that dv is such a complicated horrible thing that is different for each of us and no simple solutions. Stay safe everyone.
Your stories have made my stomach clench so tight. I keep getting up and walking away from my laptop. I wish I could help. I really wish i could help…
Well said.
Yes, thanks. It’s been helpful reading everyone else’s stories.
The truly sad thing about all this is how many people here have similar life stories to share. To think of how many people grew up in an abusive home or were in romantic relationships that were abusive is just heartbreaking. I admire your strength and for all of you I hope you are now enjoying happier lives.
Well said, my friend.
The fact that so many people have had nearly identical stories both breaks my heart and reinforces the fact that Amber is telling the truth. Everything rings true, right down to the people who have never been there scoffing at her for staying with him.
My parents were divorced, neither will discuss much less acknowledge what I and my children went through, and that was almost 20 yes ago. We are all still messed up.
I’m sure this is true, but I think JD might be a late stage alcoholic so he is drinking most of the time. As the drug use and alcoholism got worse, I would guess the abuse got worse too. The last week or so, as all of this stuff has come out, it has become hard to look at him in his photos of the last five years or so, knowing what we know about him now. I was never a Depp fan, but I did grow up with him in a way. 21 jump street, Gilbert Grape, Edward Scissorhands. its just sad and disturbing to know this is what he is. I think a small part of him must be horrified that this is what he has become.
I was a huge Depp fan back in the day, although it’s gradually faded since the first Pirates came out.
“Disturbing” is the best way to describe his descent into the depths of alcoholism the past few years. I hope he gets help for himself and for the sake of his kids. They deserve better.
I think at one time he was really normal. As in, a normal young guy who wanted to be a musician/actor and lucked into fame with a combination of talent and good genes. Before all this insanity of bodyguards and private islands and scarves, you know? That is what makes me sad. *That* person would be horrified that he is now a wife beating late stage alcoholic most likely in the last decade of his life (if that).
This link was put on a thread yesterday. I went back and copied it:
http://s33.postimg.org/6w0c1nt3j/Screen_shot_2016_06_09_at_10_39_44_AM.png
Seems like someone who knows him from high school remembers a similar behaviour already then.
Cindy, I feel much the same way. I was never a “fan”, but I grew up with Depp as well, and always admired the roles that he took on as an actor. Plus, he just seemed like a shy, humble guy when he was younger. Not to mention that beautiful, soulful face!!
But I honestly doubt he was ever “really normal”. I remember reading interviews with him years ago where he talked about growing up with physical violence in the home, and he claimed to have done every drug available by the age of 14. So sadly, I really believe that the seeds of abuse were planted long ago, because often people who grow up with abusive parenting connect that kind of violence with love. Add addiction into the mix, and you’ve got a real powder keg.
Well he was an alcoholic in his early years too.
@siri-Wow, and the people replying were so compassionate and understanding.
*eye roll*
@siri
The link was a little confusing. Sounds like they are referring to a story about JD but the actual story wasn’t there. I think you and other posters may be right though. This behavior may always of been there, lurking beneath the surface, even at a young age. The guy may just be kind of a dark, violent person. Especially if his alcohol and drug use was heavy from a really young age.
I don’t know where the link originates from, seems to be a screenshot of a discussion underneath some article, and was put in by commentor “me” yesterday. I sounds convincing to me, but what do I know? It’s not really surprising alcohol/drug use can bring out the worst in people, but it looks like there’s some part of their personality already in ‘standby mode’.Perhaps we have some people on this thread who know more about why some people can use/drink without getting into a rage, and some completely loose it.
Depp did an interview where he says he has always had what he calls “Hillbilly rage”. Depp grew up not far from where I grew up in Appalachia. Even though he left early on he says that temperament is still in his blood/DNA. Which makes me scratch my head. As a life long Appalachian with family there since the 1600s, they often have the most even tempered natures I’ve ever seen. The world could collapse and they’re still laid-back. A mentality of “it is what it is”. The only time I remember people ever getting upset what he deems Hillbilly rage in my community was when some injustice was done to a close friend or family members. Overall Appalachian people are even tempered, great humor, very Stoic actually. So his comment tells me somewhere in his family he saw big tempers. Blamed it on them being hillbilly but its probably his family that had the “Hillbilly rage”. Him admitting he has always had a Hillbilly rage trait, says to me, he has always had somekind of rage temperment.
I’m no psychologist or addiction specialist but I dated a drug addict off-and-on for seven years.
My theory as to why some addicts become angry and abusive: because they are already angry individuals. It’s likely possible for them to control their anger while sober, but it requires deliberate and clear-headed, intentional management on their part. As soon as they’re impaired by a substance their guard is lowered and the anger that has been subdued and managed is allowed to come out.
It could also be a chemical thing too…we know for sure that certain substances can exacerbate paranoia and cause delusions, exacerbate anger, and create a loss of control.
My ex never hit me and was never violent in any way, but he had an extremely-severe Oxycontin addiction and could have OD’d several times. I think he said he was taking 640 milligrams on some days which….seems impossible to me.
Anyway, he’s a peaceful and gentle person by nature so I just assume that’s why the drugs never made him violent. It’s also true that opiates are very different from stimulants in how they affect people so there’s that.
I read the article too and I think you’re right, he is trying to explain it as something that is in his genes.. and being from Kentucky, he calls it hillbilly rage. He doesn’t want to expose the family secrets so he refers to it as hillbilly rage.
Depp has major issues with addiction and anger. At 52/53, I doubt he’s going to change much unless he deals with the root of the problems. If he doesn’t deal with the whys, he’s never going to change,
Thank you all for your thoughts on this. Seems like he experienced violence at home while growing up (I remember him telling he was hit when doing something ‘bad’, but also when doing something good, which basically means he was hit often). That anger must come from somewhere. And it’s true, if he doesn’t deal with the cause, it’s never gonna stop. I really wonder about all the people he has ever been close to- they must have noticed, and some probably told him to do something about it.
@kitten: I could see something chemical happening, too…
I’ve never followed either of them, so I didn’t hear about the divorce until a day or two ago. Was there warning signs or did this come out of left field? I’ll be honest I was shocked, but the photos and texts are chilling. My stomach dropped when I read that exchange with his assistant. We’re reading in real time a third party emotionally manipulated an abused woman into returning to her abuser, and not for the first time apparently. That just killed me.
L
O
L
Like what and crackheads never steal when not high? AND???
He only abused her when drunk/high? Is this seriously JD’s defense? Sigh. I’m hating him more and more. He’s not even trying to deny at this point, only rationalize and deflect responsibility.
This is just like that stupid Brock kid, the Stanford rapist, claiming that the college party culture was responsible for his crime.
Note to everybody: Quit blaming everything but yourself for your own behavior!
Johnny is so entitled that I’m completely done with him. Say it with me, Johnny : “you are responsible for you. Not Amber. Not Vanessa. Not your friends. Not your employees. Not TMZ. Not alcohol. Not drugs. Not the police or courts or media. You. Only you. And you did this to yourself.”
It was sources close to Amber that said this.. she’s trying to rationalize it.
It doesn’t matter if this “source”comes from Amber’s camp. If she’s rationalizing it this way, it’s because JD has conditioned her to. Read the texts the PA sent. This is classic abuser behavior… Make the victim feel like it’s nit your fault you are abusing them. Make them feel like you are only an abuser under certain conditions and you are sorry and can change.
I feel even sorrier for Amber if she’s actually buying in to this.
Rapunzel, I agree with you – but I don’t think Amber actually believes him – look at all her evidence to the contrary.
I think she just wants to get the hell away from her abuser.
She’s still going through emotional abuse – witness all the smearing of her and it’s happening every day. She can’t get away from it.
I reserve judgment about which ‘source’ released this to e.
Her friend and fellow companion in abuse made her statement publicly, as did Tasya – supporting Amber.
I think you guys are missing the point. This is for public image. Some don’t understand, why Amber who seems all strong now suing his friend for defamation, filing a TRO, rebutting all the stuff coming out would marry a guy who abused her and stay with him for years. She or her friends are saying he only did it when he was high, so she thought if he wasn’t high he wouldn’t hit her, and she kept giving him second chances because of that. It does make sense to me.
It actually won’t matter in court – though the physical evidence of abuse as well as witness testimony will.
And yes, Amber really has a wealth evidence against him that proves she’s a victim of DV.
It’s up to her since she’s the victim if she wants to bring up his substance abuse as well.
That was wealth of evidence!
And yeah, the woman’s got it. Ultimately – The judge isn’t going to blame her – she’s the the damn victim!
And I think everybody has seen Depp the past year or two. An addict on national television. You can’t get more public than that.
You are completely right about this post. Including the culture of misogyny that shows up everyday and seemingly everywhere. This e article sounds like it’s sort of coming from his side, but that Heard agrees with it somehow.
She actually hasn’t come out and said this. Those ‘sources’ have. Her friend who called 911 actually named themself and wrote a beautiful article to back her encounters with him and against Depp’s abuse.
Amber might decide to follow this line, maybe because she wants her justly deserved settlement, wants this over and away from her abuser. I know that’s how I felt when I tried to get a mediator instead of going to court, which my abusive spouse did not agree to. Instead he dragged me through the courts for two years. I tried my damnedest to get him to settle, because every time I had to see him, particularly at the deposition – it was horrifying – even the person taking our deposition was shaken and said so to my lawyer. And I felt ashamed. The man tried to kill me and he didn’t even deny it. He couldn’t. My family and friends saw him do it. But I still felt ashamed. As if it were my fault. That’s what he did to me – the classic abuser one two punch, I love you but this, this and this are your fault. You deserved this. You had it coming to you.
One of the most hateful comments I ever received was from a new therapist who said ‘Well, at least you didn’t have to go to the hospital!’ I couldn’t even breathe, much less speak. I wanted to scream at him (and yes, he was a man) That yes I would have done just that, if I wasn’t terrified of my spouse! I would have also called the police, if I didn’t think I loved him! I thought I was protecting myself as well as him, that’s how sick abuse is. And there I have a therapist confirming my worst fears. That it wasn’t that big a deal. Or that I was complaining or even worse, making it up. Really? I’ve always wondered what he would have said if I had responded ‘What if someone a foot taller and much larger than you kicked, shoved, slapped and punched – then decided to choke you, until you couldn’t breathe? And he attacked you just for the hell of it, I suppose – who knows? And then walked away? What the hell would you have done?’ That therapist convinced me right there that people, esp. men and boys are not being educated about abuse, particularly DV. It also stopped me from talking about my DV with anyone. Even my own family. I was terrified that no therapist would take me seriously or worse yet, not believe me.
I thought I had done my homework on this therapist and he came highly recommended, but because of his misogyny, I couldn’t even talk about my abuse for years. Until recently, when I found a woman therapist who helps treat spouses and families of addicts. She’s a very good fit for me. Because of her, I’m finally not jumping out of my skin when someone brushes by me, touches me, or even sits too close too me. For me this is pretty miraculous. Imagine not being able to hug anyone, not even the people you love without feeling scared. Now I finally can do this without flinching or feeling trapped but loved instead. It’s a pretty good feeling.
And I’m starting to cry again as I write this. These posts have been so sad and hard to read, particularly those of posters at CB who have been through this – thank you so much for sharing your powerful stories, because sometimes you begin to feel like you’re the only one this has happened to. And then I remember the statistics.
Reading the posts about Amber, the Turner rapist at Stanford, and all of the misogyny floating around the web and elsewhere just proves that things need to change. Thanks for letting me talk a bit about abuse here at CB. And thanks to Kaiser for this new Depp post. It doesn’t matter if he was wasted or not, he will always be an abuser – though as a friend of mine used to say – in vino veritas. Though I think my friend was talking about one or two glasses of wine, not bottles. Or drugs. And I wouldn’t recommend that anyone ever do these either, but I’m obviously biased there too. I just abstain. And order dessert.
I still have not been able to talk to a therapist, over 20 yes now including the years of abuse. Hugs to you
Thank you Dio – and now I can finally say hugs back!
I hope you can find a therapist some day. Now that I’ve found the right one, I know it’s a very cathartic though sometimes terribly difficult process. I can also say it’s helped me tremendously and I’m starting to look forward not back at what my marriage did to me.
Looking for a therapist who specializes in different areas, etc. and is near you can be easier on the web if you don’t want to talk to your primary care physician about it. Though I think you may want to talk to your doctor though, if you are still suffering so much, I’d personally suggest it. If you’re scared or worried about talking about it you can just speak generally about any anxiety or issues that might be coming up and ask them what they think – they might have some great ideas for you.
I personally went to my doctor first and then just sort of lucked out finding my own therapist. It can be hard to find one that’s a good fit, but it’s good to keep trying Dio. Dealing with it alone can be incredibly painful and wearing. Therapists can give you techniques and insights that you can use to help you deal with painful emotions.
Just a thought. Good luck Dio and I enjoy your comments on CB.
I don’t know if it will help you, but the therapist I had specialized in historic abuse and she was incredible. She taught me how to talk about what had happened to me. When I first started it was really hard because I was still keeping my mother’s secrets and felt only shame at myself, about myself, for myself, etc. The first time I saw her I made her cry. That was quite alarming. She told me months later that it was a combination of what I was telling her and the fact that my voice stayed completely monotone and emotionless while describing torture. She completely changed my life.
I sincerely hope you find that which can help you.
“Note to everybody: Quit blaming everything but yourself for your own behavior!”
Unless it’s something good, of course. Then it’s all their own hard work!
Victim blaming (and I don’t think I need to explain why) is especially disgusting.
That’s why it needs to stop.
That’s why I’m impressed that Amber and others have come forward with their painful experiences, when they didn’t need to.
Because as soon as they do that, they empower themselves and others in similar situations.
So he never abused her when he was sober??!!?? And what. The fact is he abused her. They were better off not saying anything.
As I see it, it’s just an argument to explain why it was so difficult for Amber to conciliate the drunk Johnny with the sober one. When he wasn’t under the influence he was the man she fell in love with which makes it really difficult to accept the nasty things he did and also made her feel hopeful that he would stop being abusive.
This is one of the many explanations of why partners stay even when abused.
So he only abused her when drunk then which was…all the time.
If she ever finds herself with another abusive partner, I hope she loves herself more and leaves, saving herself and not her partner from whatever s/he has to fight.
Hopefully she will never have to experience this ever again.
I’ve learned so much from all of you posting here about your own experiences, what lengths you had to go to in order to leave and be safe again. I appreciate your candor and the perspective you have all given this story.
There is a really amazing book (I think I’ve seen it mentioned on this site before too), that really changed the way I look at abuse (even addiction-fueled, ”black out” abuse that the perpertrator can’t remember. It’s called ”Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” written by a psychologist who worked with men who were doing compulsory counselling after DV convictions. Fascinating and enlightening read and it blasts all the myths including ”he can’t help it, he’s an addict” (turns out, he actually can help it). It helped me a lot (I had a rageful, alcoholic father), absolute Jekyll and Hyde also (like Johnny). The book really helped me make sense of the insanity and helped with my own recovery, it’s really smart, a tough read (pulls no punches) but it’s the best book I’ve read about this stuff & I just wanted to put in a plug in case it helps anyone else! 🙂
I just ordered that book, thanks for the recommendation. This entire thread is so amazing, and so helpful. It’s always good to be reminded that I’m not alone, that I’m not the only one this happened to. Thank you to everyone who shared.
This is why I get all annoyed when people in general dismiss gossip. When done well it can start many important conversations and it’s not the first time that I see books being recommended in the context of a subject we are trying to understand better.
Thank you all:)
thank you Ginger and Mrs s, you are absolutely not alone and so many of us have been through this – I also have found this thread very enlightening and am heartened by the insights and experience being shared; good luck 🙂
There’s a problem with the title. Johnny Never Abused Amber *That One Time* When He Was Sober
There! I fixed it!
100000000+
Amber seems to feel pity for Johnny.
I buy this, but, as others have said, so what? Show some remorse, Johnny, do right by Amber, and get into treatment STAT. Then we might listen to what you have to say.
And yet – there are millions of drug abusers and alcoholics who don’t turn into wife beaters even when they are drunk and/or high.
I guess this is the best they’ve got. They have used every other “trick”- letters from his friends, stories about her hitting her ex, calling her a gold digger etc.
Now that all the evidence is out there…they know they can no longer say he didn’t hit her, so the next best thing is to say that he only did it while drunk. In hopes to garner sympathy as he is an addict.
Addiction is complicated. It DOES take good people and make them monsters while using. There is a level to it where they “can’t help themselves”, in that they aren’t really themselves. I do have sympathy there to an extent (a very small extent)–BUT the point is, if you are doing rotten things, then you need to go get help. You can’t just go on abusing those around you and think that it is their job to forgive you because you are an addict. That isn’t their problem.
I liked the example of Ringo Starr above. I didn’t know that about him.
Actually, this came from her camp. At least, it said a source close to Heard. i think the article was trying to “explain” why she stayed.
Oh. Well duh. I totally took away the wrong message there.
In that case, how sad that she feels the need to explain why at all. Though, I suppose if you have never experienced something like this, or witnessed a loved one go through it–maybe it would be hard to understand.
I don’t read this as being from JD’s team, I read this as an AH ‘source’ trying to relate why AH stayed for so long in spite of the longstanding nature of the abuse she alleges. Many of her critics have rested some of their scepticism on her having kept going with him for so long (up to including marrying him when the first instances of alleged abuse were prior to the marriage) – this appears to be an attempt to offer explanation to that aspect of criticism of AH.
Also “he doesn’t remember any of it” so of course he will deny it. Someone on the D commented that Wasser has filed new paperwork as supposedly neither Heard or her neighbor Raquel have made themselves available for a depo, but I refuse to click on tmz so I don’t know the details.
My alcoholic dad never abused us when he was sober either. That doesn’t matter a lick to me. My earliest memories were when he was drunk. That’s what shaped me.
The drunk/sober thing only matters to the abuser. To make him/herself feel better. The rest of us remember all the feelings.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you gnat. Sounds like you had your share of that kind of stuff from another angle. But I’ve chosen a different path for my family and sounds like you have too. And their happiness makes it pretty easy to move on!
I’m sorry too, and it sounds so reminiscent of the (purported) text dialogue that was released between Heard and Depp’s assistant — how Depp ‘forgot’ but she remembered everything.
I had an abusive alcoholic father also. It was the not knowing that shaped me. Is he going to come home drunk tonite? Am I going to be able to get out of the house in time? Will it be today? No, not today. ok. What about tomorrow?
That’s what really pisses me off about statements like this, that he never hit her when he was sober. Just because he’s not being abusive right now doesn’t mean I’m not totally anxious wondering when he next will be. Even while he’s sober he is messing up your life, because you are living in fear. Fear and shame.
Yes! Yes you said that perfectly. He’s a lonely, sad old man now, which I didn’t wish for. It’s sad, but you make a bed you lie in it. (Lay in it? I never know)
Pansy, I was told chickens lay (eggs), people lie.
Thank you Lady D!! I will remember that the rest of my life!
No problem, Pansy. I just hope I’m right. 🙂
I think Enews has already chose a side. When they first started reporting all this,everyone seemed really upset, mainly one of the hosts, i think Jason Kennedy? He looked pissed, like for real. They even gave a help line number for victims of domestic abuse.
I noticed the latter, too. I think it’s a good sign when they give a help line number. Make use of the fact that a lot of people read about this subject because of Depp’s star status.
Considering the support for celebrities like Johnny or Bill Cosby as well as personal/friend’s experiences etc. I feel that misogyny has made a great comeback during the past year or so.
I know things weren’t perfect before that but I think we are moving backwards and wonder why that is. The state of the world doesn’t really suggest that men are so competent that it could be reasonable to reestablish patriarchy.
I know what you mean. it does seem worse.
It seems worse and I can’t tell if it’s because it’s worse or because it’s more exposed.
And like racism in the US being more exposed by the Congressional response to the Obama presidency, what is going to happen with a woman running for president? This is like living in a world of all backlash, all the time.
Except for those two Swedish men who caught Brock Turner and as someone who is partly Swedish – they are my damn heroes.
As a first world nation, the U.S. has its work cut out for it. It seems seems like it’s almost last in everything else, compared to its fellow countries.
Unfortunately misogyny didn’t make a come back. It was never gone in the first place. People have been praising Woody Allen or Polanski since their scandals began.
Pretty sickening, I agree.
I prefer to think we are not moving backwards, because years ago these cases would have never hit the public at all. In the case of Cosby it didn’t. Granted we still haven’t done very well with adequate punishments, Stanford rape case as a recent example too, but I think we might be getting closer. In the Stanford case the victim is being heralded and her letter to the court is being read out loud at several venues, decade ago this wouldn’t have been the case. Now there is always going to be a portion of people on the fringe, like the misogynistic people on some sites, and I just feel they look like more than they really are because of the reach of this technology.
I don’t know. I like Ashley Judd, so I remember that she opened up about her rape (in 2011). The Examiner even made a list with celebrities who had to suffer through this as well. http://www.examiner.com/article/ashley-judd-and-other-celebrity-rape-victims
I haven’t yet seen something like that for DV and celebrities because of Amber in 2016.
Not that I know the inner workings of this relationship, but I find this to be SUCH a dangerous message.
Alcohol does not make a man abuse, being an abuser is what makes him abuse. I used to think that my ex-husband only verbally, and then later physically, abused me because of his problems with alcohol. It took me awhile to realize that alcohol might have made him more comfortable unleashing his abusive behaviors, but it is NOT a cause. And pinning abuse on alcohol gives the abuser yet another justification for his behavior or another excuse to hide behind to say “its not because I’m abusive, its because of alcohol.”
There is nothing you can do to make an abuser stop abusing you or to keep abusing you…its all about THEM and their need for control and manipulation.
I encourage anyone out there who is struggling with a relationship where they don’t feel safe to read “Why Does He Do That.” Its an amazing book that launched me into my own journey out of abuse. Even if you’re not sure you’re being abused or don’t want to call it abuse (I totally understand) please get the book and read it if you’re ever feeling as though something is wrong, you’re not sure what, and you don’t feel love, respected and safe in a relationship.
I can only agree- alcohol/drugs are not causes of abuse. The strange thing is, when you drink (a lot), you start loosing control over your actions, but at the core of an abusive personality there is a strong need to control/manipulate. It seems a contradiction.
I think Amber is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.Her hair and style are to die for. She was extra beautiful in The Danish Girl…
I agree! She is so lovely. If I ever got a nose job I’d want to copy hers, ha ha. I also agree with Kaiser that she has some great hair. My hair is naturally a very close color to her honey blonde and also long and thick, and I’m thinking about bringing in a photo of her hair next time I go in.
Colour wise she ‘s been my go to hair for the couple of last years. I wish my hair were as thick as hers.
I feel like this can’t be said enough but everyone needs to read the following words:
BEING HIGH OR DRUNK IS NOT AN ACCUSE FOR ABUSE OR SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!! YOU ARE NOT EXCUSED FROM THIS HORRIFIC BEHAVIOR JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE TAKEN DRUGS OR DRANK TO MUCH!!!!
AS A VICTIM YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT IF YOU HAVE HAD TO MUCH TO DRINK OR TAKEN DRUGS!!! NO ONE DESERVES TO DO BE ABUSED OR SEXUALLY ASSAULTED!!!!
He was wrong that is all there is to it.
One thing everyone has said about Johnny so far, from both his family, friends, and supporters and from Amber and her friends (like iO Tillet Wright) is that Johnny is a gentle soul who carries some darkness and anger deep inside him. I don’t think it is possible to be truly gentle and also nurture a deep well of rage inside of you that you never attempt to heal or defuse, and that can only be suppressed with a great deal of self-control. Truly gentle people process anger in a healthy way and do not act on it in ways that are destructive to others _and themselves_. Addiction is self-destructive, and the opposite of gentleness, towards the addict and the addict’s family and friends. According to these friends and family, Johnny’s periods of sobriety have not corresponded to a lightening up of that dark burden he carries (like the sort of healing he might find in therapy or AA), so I challenge this whole narrative of “gentle Johnny”.
+1000 Livvers
I don’t believe you can rehabilitate those who are so violent as well.
Whether they are an addict or not.
My husband had those moments too. But he never liked my sister or she him. And that’s because she saw the abuse from the start. He never could fool her. She challenged his perfect view of himself and it drove him crazy. She was one of my witnesses at court by the way. Once he and his lawyer saw my sister and her fiancé in court, they folded up like a card table. They really thought they had me beaten. And even though I was still terrified of him, once I saw that – I felt wonderful!
Narcissists and disordered personalities can’t bear to be exposed. That superficial appearance of gentleness and kindness – “I can speak softly now and do kind things in public because I am in control of this situation and you, but don’t forget that my darkness is tightly leashed and I can set it free whenever I will” – is so chilling. I hope that surge of confidence you felt that day has continued to give you strength.
Thanks Livvers,
It still does give me strength! And I’m sure that he was a sociopath or at the very least had sociopathic tendencies.
A very ugly person wrapped in a pretty package. I truly think he believed some of those lies as he was telling them. But he didn’t know right from wrong. He just knew enough about societal norms so he would know how to react if caught. For him it was deny, deny, denial.
Until I finally called him out on abusing and trying to kill me. Until I walked through that courtroom door – he thought he was going to get away with it. And I finally got some justice and peace in my life.
I had to think about this for quite a while, because when you hear/see him (in a sober state), you get the impression he’s friendly, soft-spoken, funny, and social. That’s part of his public persona. And people like (d) him for that. Yet at the core, there must be some deep-rooted insecurity/fear that is released when using/drinking. I tend to believe we all have these ‘shadow’ parts; anger, aggression, fear- so I’m not sure if that would mean we can’t be gentle, loving and caring at the same time. Not in those moments, that’s for sure. I also wouldn’t call it a “burden” we carry, but part of our soul’s experiences, or the way we process them. I would hope for him to sit down, and take a good look at himself after this. Yes, he could have done that many times already- so why didn’t he, and prefers the company of enablers? It’s the easy way, just it isn’t really a way out. He doesn’t seem to know that yet. HE has to want to come clean- there’s no help as long as he can’t see that.
Siri, thanks for your thoughts. I think I should have acknowledged in my first comment that the way I portrayed gentleness is in its platonic ideal. Up above, my idea of gentleness is sort of the ideal version of gentleness, to which very very few of us measure up. For me, gentleness is about character and spirit, and so I do think people can work at themselves and become more gentle. I think that is what you are saying about us all having our shadow parts and still having a character/soul far more good than not — but it’s about our acceptance of that shadow part, right? Our ability to live in peace with it, not as a person divided. Our willingness to confront and challenge that darkness (which is where Johnny’s enabling maybe stops him short) when it starts to take over our actions towards others and ourselves.
Then there is kindness, which I conceive to be more of an action, something we are all capable of, but is not necessarily as clear an indication of our character, because it is easy for us to be kind to some people and not others, under certain circumstances but not others, etc. And I think it is easy to mistake acts of kindness as an indication of a gentle soul. But maybe I’m just torturing the dictionary now!
The problem with these arguments, even though there are some good points – well, look at it this way – people have compared him to RDJ.
I have never heard of RDJ trying to hurt, maim and kill someone. Over and over. And even he received jail time.
There is no gentle Johnny – that’s just what the truly violent and raging abuser show their DV victims. Sometimes.
Can you make an argument that Turner had a gentle side? From that statement released by his father probably not.
The point that I’m trying to make is there was probably not much goodness going on around Amber. Or her friends. The violence sounds pretty continuous. It was just ignored or excused by all around him. Until it finally reached the point of him choking her. Unconscious. And like I’ve said before, she’s lucky he didn’t kill her. I wonder if he’s ever truly given a damn about anything in his life, except him.
And we’re being given a front row seat on watching him poison himself to death. And no one is doing a thing but throwing whatever sticks at Heard. I’m tired of it and it’s horrible to watch.
Poor Amber. Someone woos you, then tries to kill you. I’ve been through this. Believe me he’s not gentle or good or kind or anything like that. No matter the bs that’s spread around about him.
Yes, you are right about that, I think. We have to acknowledge our shadow parts, and ‘live in peace’ with them. It might also be important to not be afraid of them, but to put them into their place in order to prevent them from taking over. That can, at times, be hard work, but as long as we are aware of them, it’s ok. I do understand your idea of gentleness as the ‘fabric’ great souls are made of, but at the same time, we are human beings in a certain ‘context’, and we all carry a lot of emotional/spiritual luggage from god knows where. So we need to sort that out regularly, so to speak. I’m sure I bore the hell out of most people by now;-) It’s true, it’s easy to mistake acts of kindness for a gentle soul, but a lot of people might not know the difference. As for JD, there might be some of those shadows being in constant “stand-by” mode, and then the kind of trigger isn’t that important, only that there IS one. Can be anything/anyone, under all circumstances. And yes, that’s highly dangerous for any partner.
That comment about her becoming scared of him and his temper, is almost exactly what the book about Kate Moss “Champagne Supernovas” says of their relationship. That she was always scared of his mood swings, that he had a terrible temper and she was always scared of putting him over the edge
I’ve read the blind items about him and it’s suggested that he has a meth addiction. Looking to the symptoms on the web, i think it’s really likely, He’s constantly scratching his skin (that’s a symptom), his skin looks like he has acne recently (another symptom), the bad teeth, the temper, the violent rages, the confussion on his interviews (he even lose the track of what he’s talking on the recent red carpets or about the tour with his band), etc
This article may be the first smart thing Johnny’s team has done. They are taking the first small steps to arouse public sympathy for him by painting him as a troubled addict that can’t be responsible for his reprehensible behavior bc he was under the influence.
It’s sick and wrong, as Amber is so clearly the victim here, but it’s a smart move on his team’s part. There’s a lot of public sympathy for addiction. If they continue to be smart, they will settle out of court with Amber for an undisclosed sum. Next, a fake rehab stint and public resurgence as a man that’s battled his demons and won…. a donation to a victims of DV shelter… arrange some friendly interviews with softball outlets where he spouts platitudes about how remorseful he is, all done and dusted before Pirates 5 comes out.
Makes me sick, but I just KNOW he is going to skate through this and the sh!t will stick to Amber.
“This article may be the first smart thing Johnny’s team has done. They are taking the first small steps to arouse public sympathy for him by painting him as a troubled addict that can’t be responsible for his reprehensible behavior bc he was under the influence.”
Except this is not from Depp’s team, it’s from Heard’s side.
You’re right – my bad! I thought this was going to be his new strategy: “I’m only a bad drunk, gentle as a lamb when sober, addiction is a disease and I’m a victim.”
An addict’s favorite excuse: Look What YOU Made Me Do
‘Johnny Depp never abused Amber Heard when he was sober’.
Oh well in that case, I guess it’s not that bad. NOT.
She is actually doing him a favor by forcing his sorry excuse of a man into rehab… If his enablers allow it.
The dynamic with a violent partner is classic intermittent reinforcement. It is a very strong, crazy glue. I learned this from a wonderful therapist while I was trying to get away from an abuser, whom I thought I loved. You wouldn’t stay with him if he was a monster all the time, would you? No, it’s intermittent. He’s terribly sorry, and it won’t happen again….until it does.
I can’t give enough credit to all the commentators here for their honesty and willingness to have a meaningful discussion about such an uncomfortable subject. It’s shocking to see how many have had very direct experiences with abuse. We all need to hear these stories to realize how ‘common’ DV is, and how little aware most people are of that. I learned a lot from all of you, and I’m truly grateful for it. There’s NO excuse for abuse, there’s NO reason anybody deserves it. There’s NO way anyone can help an abuser when the abuser doesn’t understand that. Then it’s Get out!, Get help! Stay away for good! I can only say Thank You! to all of you.
I wholeheartedly agree. Great comment!
This isn’t really surprising because in her court documents she claims that at least the last two times he was violent with her he was “Inebriated and high” so in between that he apologized over and over again, and she believed that it’d get better.Typical abusive relationship. But she also claims that he was verbally and emotionally abusive too. Maybe when he wasn’t loaded or both?
Amber’s lawyer want to oblige Johnny to testify in the trial next week!!
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/amber-heard-lawyers-summon-johnny-depp-testify-trial-article-1.2669109
Well done on Amber and her attorney’s part – they point out that they’ve tried to settle, tried not to defame Depp and point out she is the victim.
Meanwhile, Wasser shows no empathy at all and is shot down by the judge.
I hope Wasser and Depp will stop trying to smear her. She’s been through enough. Hopefully the deposition will clear some things up as well.
depp’s a coward
he’s on his island, he didn’t even flew to LA to meet with his lawyers after his tour
No, he and Wasser are bullies who are trying to break her and get her to drop this. They should have settled this. It’s all about his image for them, nothing else. Livvers made a good point about this earlier.
I don’t think that she will break and she has my complete respect. Imagine fighting against them. Divorce is not easy and if abuse is involved, it can be nightmarish.
I agree he’s a coward, he’s been running away from this since the beginning and having other people speak for him instead of doing it himself.
I mean there a reason why he hasn’t put his tour on hold so he can be in LA at the court, police and lawyers disposal.
Wasser is doing her job, which is to look out for the best interests of her client. Maybe she feels empathy for Amber, but she’s not getting paid to tread softly with her.
Seems the settlement talks broke down over Depp also wanting a restraining order against Amber. They didn’t say on what grounds. I’m wondering if he’s not mostly concerned about taking away her ability to communicate with him, when any response on his part would land him in jail. Especially if she’s the sort who is good at pushing his buttons and he’s the sort who loses it when that happens.
Well, I could have put in a caveat – bullies ARE by definition cowards.
And the best thing for Wasser’s client would have been to shut this down with a settlement. He, like many others can afford to do so. It’s been stated that he went into her room and was destroying her own things. Surely, he owes her for that. Wasser’s approach forced Amber to come forward with all the horrible details Depp was trying to hide. Including trying to kill her.
Is she on trial here – no. Did she push anyone’s buttons. No. WTF does that mean anyway? This saying makes me sick. I suppose diminutive Kate Moss pushed his buttons as well? What did I do to push my ex’s buttons? Apparently breathing was enough.
Why doesn’t he find someone twice his size to push his buttons? Maybe he’s afraid of taking them on? Like the coward that he is. In that sense you’re absolutely right, he is a coward who enjoys beating those smaller than himself, in this case, almost to death.
Wasser has done a terrible job of defending her client, especially his reputation. He’s using money like many abusers do, to still abuse this woman. And Wasser is helping him. God save me from lawyers like her. My attorney, by the way, was a family friend and an absolute angel. There are good attorneys and then there are those sharks at the bottom of the feeding pool. Wasser is one of them. And she’s an idiot for not convincing him to settle this trainwreck, especially since he has more money than he can spend in his lifetime. Amber is undoubtedly going to win a settlement of some kind, they’re just punishing her and putting her through more trauma. For committing the crime of marrying ‘gentle’ Johnny. This is not her fault, he’s a damn abuser and a very angry man.
I tried to post this yesterday. Apparently the arresting officer in Ambers DV charge several years ago is a gay woman. She says she’s not homophobic or misogynistic. I don’t know what to believe in this situation but what saddens me is the number of woman on celebitchy who have spoken of their own abuse. It’s troubling to think there’s so much of it going on.
I’m busy with the same thought since this all started. How often did I ignore the signs of abusive behaviour within my own circle? This whole discussion was a big eye opener for me, and it takes incredible courage to put these experiences out, and in here. It sure is worrisome what seems to happen so frequently to so many (mostly) women.
….more superficial stuff…I just hope pistol n boo get thru all this ok…
Depp says he’ll be spending time in France with his children this summer. He’s their male role model. Who is an admitted and more than obvious daily substance abuser. And if his behavior on the private jet with them is any indication, they’ve been exposed to his violent side before as well. I hope that doesn’t happen.
I just don’t know what to say about this anymore…
She: Fell in love with a movie star, then realised he was human with human complexities and not picture perfect.
He: Fell in love with a beautiful girl who was known as a wild child, then realised she was only human and couldn’t turn a blind eye.
Now both of them are stuck unable to appreciate the pain of each other and unable to take responsibility for their own decisions..
But seriously ‘He never abused her when sober?” well that says he has an element of control over his own decision making process, so he could also decide to get help should he choose to. But he chooses not to. Makes him seem more of an arse then anything else he has or has not done.
The only thing addicts are victim to is themselves.
For anyone looking to understand/avoid manipulative rships, a great book is “But he says he loves me” by Dina L. McMillan. The pages on one side of the book (right?) are written as advice to victims, while the pages on the left are written as a “manual” for manipulators, which gives great insight.