I think we all saw this coming, but didn’t know exactly what form it would take. Last week, we discussed Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger’s engagement. Most everyone was happy for them, and that went far beyond our CB borders. Patton and Meredith’s engagement comes 15 months after Patton lost his wife Michelle McNamara suddenly. Unfortunately, according to some on social media, there is an approved time frame in which a person can fall in love after heartbreak. Patton was accused of everything from forgetting Michelle to opportuning her death to raise his profile. Patton and Meredith both spent their time just responding to the congratulatory tweets and ignored everyone else (as they should). But one blogger, Erica Roman, didn’t and she wrote a powerful essay defending Patton’s engagement and why those who disparaged it were wrong. To her, this was personal. Erica lost her husband three days before Patton lost Michelle and because Patton has been so open about his stages of grief, Erica has felt like they’ve been on this journey together. Patton read her essay and it touched him, so much that he used it as his response to the trolls coming after him. Or, as Patton called them, the “bitter grub worms”.
Meredith also posted Erica’s essay with her response:
— Meredith Salenger (@MeredthSalenger) July 8, 2017
You can read Erica’s essay here. She has embedded some of the responses that upset her within the post. I completely get where she is coming from. Not from a grief standpoint but an emotional situation that seems to be mirroring a celebrity’s and thus it sort of feels like a shared experience. I’m glad that Erica has had someone like Patton as her spirit animal during this terrible time. And I agree with Patton, Erica does make her point very well. The whole essay was worth reading for me but here is where she cut to the quick:
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? Its been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
Later on, Erica addressed those who claim Michelle would be forgotten now that Patton was marrying Meredith and again, she just does a really good job with it:
“Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built.”
I do wonder if those coming for Patton aren’t maybe doing so because they disagree with his outspoken political views. I’d like to think this was the last of it but like you, I doubt it. I’m still not taking aim at those who were surprised at how quickly Patton and Meredith got engaged, only those that condemned them for it. So I will end, once again, with joining the others who have wished them a hearty congratulations.
@pattonoswalt congratulations. I know how hard it's been for you and am thrilled that you will also get some extra happiness.
— Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) July 9, 2017
CONGRATS friend!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖
— Olivia Munn (@oliviamunn) July 8, 2017
Congratulations! I designed Qwirkle and who knew it could be so romantic? I wish you years of love, happiness and playing games together. ❤️
— Susan McKinley Ross (@IdeaDuck) July 7, 2017
Photo credit: WENN Photos, Facebook, Twitter and Getty Images
When you make announcements on social media, you invite comments and unfortunately some of the comments may be unkind.
That’s ridiculous. Newsflash, social media is SUPPOSED to be a convenient way to share good news with extended family and friends and in their case, fans. Yes, I remember Natty Gann. LOL It’s not all about b*tching, moaning, lying and trolling. That was not the original intent of social media.
I was going to comment on how concerned I am about adults in full possession of all their faculties apparent lack of compassion and empathy these days and well…
We are a sick society. The people who most need to log off don’t and won’t and they make it difficult for everyone else.
What the phenomenon of social media also does is promote [at least for some] the idea that they truly “know” a celebrity and can discern their deepest thoughts and motivations. Most of the time that is harmless, but in the extreme, it’s pathological.
Agree 100% Third Ginger. Social media is exacerbating some people’s…issues. They act really familiar just because they’ve scrolled or followed. It’s disturbing.
It’s actually not ridiculous…? Why else would all social media provide the opportunity to make comments or “like” statuses? Staying in contact with relatives may be what you use social media for, but the purpose and use has rapidly increased as technology has increased. To broadly state that social media’s “intent” was never to invite the commentary of outsiders is just plain wrong.
I’m certainly not disagreeing that people can take it to a disgusting extreme, but your initial premise is not correct.
Anon33 it is ridiculous for anyone to think they need to fundamentally change how they use social media–when they are in fact using it appropriately– out of an abundance of concern for the trolls. You gotta be kidding me.
Of course people can comment. That’s part of what makes it social media, duh. But no, the original intent was never to give people an unchecked platform for hate and harassment. People being the messes they are, quickly co-opted it for those ugly reasons.
Whatever happened to keeping some opinions to your d@mn self? Many people have terrible judgment. Those people lecturing and judging this couple should have simply kept on scrolling. Opinion neither desired nor required.
It’s not ridiculous to understand that some people are unkind and that posting on social media is a crapshoot of responses.
Social media doesn’t force people to be jerks, they choose to be that way on their own.
People are jerks. So if you open yourself up like this you have to expect that you’re going to get criticism. EVERYONE has an opinion. Just like anything else in life-you can either choose to ignore, or you can get upset.
@CynicalAnn
And people choose to share those opinions. Once again that is a person making a choice to be publicly judgmental about another person’s life about an issue that doesn’t affect them. Do any of those concern trolls actually care? No they really don’t, they just want something to be holier than thou about.
@Merritt-right. But you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. So your choice is get upset over people being a-holes or recognize that you can’t change them and be confident and happy in your own choice.
This. People can be (and are) thoughtless, cruel jackasses on AND offline. What should we tell the woman photographed by that awful Dani whatsherface over-aged “mean girl”? “You shouldn’t be surprised that people are cruel when you’re undressing where others can see you.” What do we tell people attacked, bullied and even assaulted in public because of how they look, or speak, or what they wear? “Haters gonna hate?”
I don’t think Patton or Meredith or anyone commenting here is really SURPRISED by the nastiness. You can’t pay attention to social media and not know what people are like. But that doesn’t make it right, or even normal. And it doesn’t mean you should accept it as normal or “what I get for being there.”
The way he has written about his grief has been so raw and so devastating. It struck me that he needed the companionship otherwise the darkness would just consume him – which wasn’t an option with his daughter in the picture. Grief is devastating and all-encompassing, like being submerged in water. Can’t blame Oswalt for not wanting to drown.
On another note, i’d love to hear more about Michelle’s last work. He’s said that he’s going to carry it on, and I’d wondered if her use of substances (which was her cause of death) was a reaction to the darkness of her job. I’m not at all a true crime person, but reportedly she was fantastic at her job.
I know he got her book finished (he didn’t feel he was qualified to continue her work but found someone who was) and i believe it is being published. It was the subject of a 48 Hours episode back in April.
I agree Bridget. Loss, whether it be death, divorce or whatever format it takes is absolutely devastating . Last week I shared my story about how my step dad met someone four months after my mom’s passing . I refrain from judgment in my situation and anyone else’s . Unless you have experienced the exact type of loss, you really don’t have any idea. In Patton situation , he still has to keep it together for the sake of their daughter . It’s a blessing and a burden .
My feelings on this is ; I believe Patton is a really smart man. I also believe he had a support system that he advised before making any changes to their life. Alice seems ok with this and if she is, then it’s nobodies business .
I couldn’t imagine losing my husband suddenly and without warning . I would be so broken and probably bed ridden for a good year. But that’s me, I morn differently and I also internalize . Everyone is different and I would never judge anyone on how they deal with their tragedy .
No major trolling, no opposition against his views (I agree really), just an observation that the relationship was moving quickly….
Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.
<3
For all the people saying things are moving too fast, then what is an acceptable timetable? Oh right there isn’t one because people deal with grief in different ways. Sure he and other widows and widowers could spend their days on the couch crying or take it really far like those people who have benches made at their late spouse’s grave because they visit every single day. But why waste your life?
I don’t understand how anyone could be anything but happy for him. the ONLY people who would be entitled to be angry/bitter/etc would be his late wife’s family, and they aren’t so people need to STFU.
I hope he and Meredith are very happy together.
I think most people, myself included, were surprised it happened this quickly, but were happy for them and wish them well. I guess some people said terrible things to him – can you imagine being that angry or offended by someone you don’t even know making a happy announcement? But I guess like with most things, it says a lot more about the person making the nasty comments than the situation itself.
Here is the problem with making private things public though, but I think it helped Patton, and others, to be so open about his grief. Hopefully all that, and this new happiness, outweighs the negativity.
I cannot wrap my head around the fact that people are reacting so negatively to HIS choice to remarry after his wife passed away. I cannot articulate how absolutely ridiculous it is to pass judgement on Patton or anyone else that is widowed for that matter. I know that b/c he speaks publicly about his grief that it opens him up for scrutiny but this is all too much. This poor man has been through enough tragedy already. My god. Let him be happy!
I have no issue at all with him finding love at this interval after his wife’s death. He clearly loved his wife dearly and wants to honor her memory. But I look askance at anyone who gets engaged after three months and is extremely over the top about it on social media.
I kind of hope that they began dating sooner than reported, because rushing to marriage and step parenthood this early in the infatuation stage of love is not a good look, even on a sympathetic figure like Patton.
My thoughts exactly. I don’t mind the engagement but the fact that he’s being so extra is off putting. I side eye anyone, celebrity or otherwise, that are this extra on social media. Make one announcement but the repeated back and forth lovey dove posts are over the top and distasteful in my opinion.
I agree. If he didn’t have a small child I think people would be less quick to judge.
Alice is the only thing that concerns me about the timing of Michelle’s death. 15 months does seem a bit soon for an under-10 to have a new mom figure – but it could be that she’s a really resilient and understanding kid who maybe gets along great with Meredith.
Yeah, I agree. I follow him on Twitter and the constant retweeting of congrats from famous people, and of lovey-dovey gifs from Meredith seems like a bit much.
I dunno if he’s just trying to troll his critics, but even so, if you don’t care what they say and are secure and happy in your relationship, why are you dedicating so much time to trying to get on their nerves? Just ignore them.
The defensiveness is not putting my concerns to rest, exactly. That could be their personalities, though, more so than the relationship itself – Patton is always a bit of a oversharer. Also, some people are saying much, much, much worse things about Patton than “it seems a little soon, no?”. Like that he killed his wife, which is a truly despicable thing to say. So I would guess he’s lashing out more at them.
I’m so tired of the phrase “well, that’s my opinion” or “I’m entitled to my opinion”. People use it to throw insults and share their backwards opinion.
So that alone makes me love Erica’s statement. And I also love Qwirkle, it’s so much fun.
I am happy for him and Meredith. They are both adults and know what they are getting into.
But I did question if this was too fast his daughter and I still stand by that. This is a lot of change for a young child to process.
Real talk. When I die, if I go before my husband, my dying wish is for him to find someone else to love and be happy with. The thought of him getting lost in his grief and never finding companionship again is just too devastating to seriously contemplate.
That is the same thing my mother says. She tells us all of the time if she goes first to encourage my father to find a companion to make him happy and don’t get in his way if he finds someone nice.
That is some seriously unselfish shit. You’ve inspired me to be a little better of a person today. Your husband is a lucky man.
If this were some fame-hungry, 20-something who pap strolled all thirsty, I’d definitely be questioning motives and giving side-eyes. This woman seems lovely, and I wish them all the very best of luck.
Powerful essay, and beautifully written. As the old saying goes “Until you’ve walked a mile….”
I am afraid that a lot of it is politically motivated. if you go to any of the sub-Reddit for DT they were rejoicing in the onslaught of negative comments towards Patton. To clarify I do not frequent those places but was curios as to the deplorable’s comment on Jr.’s Russian meeting.
As a widower too, I agree with Patton Oswalt, Erica’s writing is amazingly good and poignant. The one thing I wish all people would realize is there isn’t one way to grieve. We all don’t marry, have children or make career choices in the same time frame. Why would we expect to do something as complex as grieving a spouse in a set time frame. To some it may feel natural to move on relatively quickly to another loving relationship, to others they may never move on, and it doesn’t make either one wrong or destined for sadness. I have been widowed for a while now, and I don’t feel like moving on to another person, but strangely it doesn’t make me sad, as the commentary from others try to make me think I should be. Unfortunately, the judgement goes whichever way you choose to live. I feel blessed to have the life I have raising my wonderful child and with family and friends, but this is my choice for me as Patton’s is his choice for him. Especially with situations this heartbreaking, I wish as a society we would be less judgmental. It’s hard enough trying to make it through, but having the grub worms as Patton said try to make you feel bad isn’t really helping anyone, even the grub worms.
I just hope it lasts and its not a rebound for him.
I don’t understand why people put their whole life out on social media and are then upset if people judge/question/criticize. Ignore the haters and trolls if you are putting it all out there. If you don’t want criticism stay off social media.
Pretty much this.
Not sure why he’s giving time of day to opinions of people he doesn’t know, have no impact upon his life and therefore don’t matter.
Yeah! Just go live your happy life. It is happy, isn’t it? Even without all the outside validation??
If you listened to everyone else opinions of what you should be doing with your life-whether they’re on social media or in your own life-you would be miserable. Live your life and be happy and don’t give other people power to bring you down.
Absolutely. But then I am the antithesis of a self-promoter on social media, so cannot FATHOM how people survive on it, especially at the level these celebs use it.
Erica’s essay really hit me. It took me back to many years ago, when my mother lost my father. 18 months after he died, she remarried a neighbor of ours in town–a man my father, in his terminal illness, had pointed out to her as handsome and fun. She was immediately criticized by many people, most vocally my paternal extended family (who stopped associating with her) and our Methodist church ladies who had invited and expected her to join the weekly meeting of the group of widows who never remarried. At the time, my mother was only 44 years old! I see now that was so young. She was expected to never love again. I haven’t thought about this for decades. I wish only the best for Patton, Meredith, Erica and everyone trying to put their lives back together.
I think some of the backlash/surprise is that his wife WASN’T terminally ill, though. She died completely unexpectedly – and they only found out the cause of death like 5 months ago. I think when you’re caring for a spouse who is terminally ill you probably do a lot of grieving from the moment that the diagnosis is discovered. You make the best of your time together, but you can’t forget that it’s coming to an end at some point.
I think a lot of people are just baffled that he went from suddenly losing his wife to being in love deep enough that he announces an engagement in the span of 15 months. That’s relatively quick for people who didn’t even lose a spouse. But he went from being completely committed to his wife, losing her unexpectedly and then passing into a very deep, painful grieving process. How long did he even date this woman before becoming engaged? It leaves it open for the question of “how close were they before his wife’s death” because it’s not a case of him realizing months before her death that he was going to have to move on at some point – which by the sounds of your mother, both she and your father kind of knew that this would be something good for her. He wanted her to find happiness – hell, he even got a little say in it which is breathtakingly sweet.
I think it’s wrong to criticize how people grieve, or move on. But I also side-eye the man who makes a big spectacle about his new engagement and announces it publicly on something as open as twitter and then is surprised that people weren’t just 100% congratulatory. He could have easily not said a thing – told his friends and family, and just lived his life. If you’re in need of praise that badly that you open it up to strangers… well, don’t be surprised if some strangers also comment in a way you weren’t hoping for.
Plus adding a small child who has lost her mother into the mix.
yep yep yep
Please do not say “spirit animal.” Unless you actually mean it literally. That is part of real religion for some folks, and it makes you look like Karlie Kloss in a feather headdress and a bikini. Which is Not a Good Look.
Yeah, I sort of cringed a bit at that. Maybe “kindred spirit” is a better term?
I can only wish them luck and hope it all works out. I just take his excitement as being happy for the first time in a long time and wanting to share it. People say things on social media they would not have the nerve to say to anyone’s face but that is how it is.
He was ignoring it but only responded to the essay because it moved him. He didn’t respond and make an issue about it.
Anyway, it could be a case of being very aware of how short life is and he wants to be with the woman he loves as long as can. Social rules probably aren’t important to him anymore.
Really no one’s business but his and her’s. *shrug* I’ve never been in that situation, and I’m sure everyone handles it differently. People get so judgy because they’re busy minding other people’s business.
I really like Meredith’s comment.
I think it’s wonderful that he found love and happiness again after such tragedy, but I guess my only pause for concern is how quick the engagement happened. I hope it’s a long engagement because I bet he still has some things to work through and so does his daughter.
My dad lost my mom around the same time Oswalt lost his wife. Granted, his daughter was (is) an adult, but I adore his girlfriend because she is kind, giving, and grateful for him.
I’m grateful he has love in his life again. There was never a moment of bitterness or jealousy. She helped my favorite person’s heart heal.
People need to let others be happy.
I lost my husband six months before Patton lost his wife, and his essays have been such a balm to me. Anyone who’s never lost a spouse or partner can honestly just shut the f*ck up about it. You have NO idea what it’s like to have your future ripped away from you. You don’t just miss a person who’s gone, you lose yourself, you lose your companion, your lover, your co parent, your friend. Getting engaged doesn’t stop the grieving process for him or his daughter. And if you felt for one second the howling loneliness that comes with being a widow, you wouldn’t for one second judge a man who reached out to another for love and comfort. If you’ve EVER had to tell your beloved child that their parent is dead and gone forever, you would only have deep compassion for them both.