'09
I absolutely hate to admit this, but I’ve been looking forward to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter for days now. What are you looking at? I enjoy a good laugh! Last week, Goopy tried to convince us fatties to go on a purifying juice detox diet. This week, the newsletter is all about love and relationships. Goopy declares this as a “Be”, as in “be in a relationship, or Goop will think you’re a loser”. Unfortunately, Gwyneth doesn’t offer her own ideas about love and relationships, and I’m not being sarcastic with the “unfortunately”. I’d really love to know/laugh at Gwyneth’s take on her marriage and love in general. Gwyneth has chosen to provide us with other people’s insights:
A long-term relationship between two people is an ever evolving organism. Some stay the course, some fall, all stumble. Here I’ve asked a few very wise women, most of whom are in varying forms of longtime partnerships, for their insights.
Love, Gwyneth
[From Goop]
At least she’s not making us pay for these pearls of wisdom, right? So Goopy has solicited this wisdom from four women, yet she only identifies one of those women as being in a long-term relationship. The others, Goopy just identifies by credentials. Interesting! Goop has submitted one question to these women: “What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship or marriage?” Do you get the feeling Gwyneth doesn’t know?
First up is Monica Berg, “a spiritual teacher and guide… creative director at the Kabbalah Centre…also the co-founder of the charitable organization, Raising Malawi.” So Berg was asked as a favor of Goop’s bestie Madonna. Berg’s message is simple and excessively anal retentive: Marriage is really difficult, stop being such a romantic, hunker down and make a lot of lists. Also: screw stability, because “Either we are growing forward or falling backwards.” This is the advice that worked so well for Madonna.
Next up: Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes, “a leading psychologist with a private practice in New York City for the past 15 years.” My guess? Dr. Binder-Brynes is Goopy’s current or former shrink. She quotes Kahlil Gibran, and her overwhelming point is: don’t get married thinking you’re going to change someone. Or, “there is no such thing as potential.” Also: be honest, have a lot of sex, and cultivate mutual hobbies. It takes her forever to get to these simple points, though. You can tell she’s used to getting paid by the hour.
The absolute worst of the three is Cynthia Bourgeault, “an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader.” She gives the artsy-fartsy advice, and basically copies-and pastes an old sermon she gave at her daughter’s wedding. Blah, blah, blah, love is a “well” that you draw from. This is probably the reason I’m so ambivalent about weddings and marriage – all too often, it just seems so boring and cheesy.
My favorite is the last woman, though. Her name is Rebeka Sawyer and all Goopy says about her is that she “lives on the West Coast with her man of 26 years….and counting (kisses).…” Rebeka is the queen of cutting-and-pasting, just grabbing random quotes, poems, song lyrics and old e-mails, and making some hodge-podge of non-sensical advice. You can tell Rebeka thinks she’s “deep” though. Especially when she asks this humdinger: “How do we create a “doing”?” Dude, you just blew my mind.
Someday, I hope Goop seeks my advice. And I hope she identifies me with something like “Kaiser is a sarcastic bitch who lives with her dog…(kisses)…” followed by my own insane Goopified rant.
Here’s Gwyneth at the photocall for “Two Lovers” at the Cannes Film Festival on May 19th. Images thanks to Mavrix.
Written by Kaiser
Posted in Gwyneth Paltrow, Relationships
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- The awful cover letter all of Wall St. is mocking [Gawker]
16 Responses to “Goop: Gwyneth Paltrow asks her possible shrink for relationship advice”
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Countdown to Chris Martin dumping Goopy Paltrow in 3…2…1.
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I adore the rambling ‘goopy’ rants, it is the literary equivalent of dropping acid… they make no sense, may cause some brain damage, but they always make you laugh.
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You’re getting better at these Goop rants but somehow nothing is topping ‘bingo wings’. Why didn’t she quote Madonna about relationships? If she had, you’d coin the term “Bingo Winged BFF”. You know it.
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This is one crafty betch! She consistently short circuits my hayt with her super cute outfits. Those shoes are the only relationship you need girl!
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Let me count the ways I dislike you Gwyneth…nope, there are too many.
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Envy, jealousy, resentment and so on…
she is a source of inspiration for you guys!
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I saw her man in concert this week and the whole time I just kept thinking “he is bangin’ Gwyneth” and then the drinks started flowing and my statement changed to “how the hell does Gwyneth get him to stay with her?”
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I would be shocked if her own husband would actually reconize her with all the chemicals he consumes.
That is, if he gets to see her once in 2 years.
I think Gwyneth really wanted to get married and have kids, especially after she thought both her exes were settling down and she was just a groupy who chased a singer and tried to change herself to fit into his world.
She got her shotgun wedding, and 2 lovely kids, but not quite a “marriage”.
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Once upon a time, in a movie called “Great Expactations”, Ethan Hawke was still hot and Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t annoying.
Good times…
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I think her husband is grotesque! He hunches like a gnome when he’s on stage. She is way too beautiful for him.
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all of those quotes show that they have no idea. how sad.
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I think Kaiser should write her own advice column. I’d certainly read it. I’d rather read advice from a smart-ass chick than the earnest and pompous Paltrow.
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Wow! I’m not sure how I ended up here and I’ve never left a comment on these types of sites before, but, wow, what an eye opener. What a waste of time to spew such venom. On a celebrity no less. Why invest so much time on these people? In the big sceme of life who really cares. I really get the sense that Goop is trying to make a positive influence in different aspects of people’s lives. Being in a long term relationship myself, I found the last Goop particularly good. Maybe you guys should pay attention to one of the quotes and try to break this circle of vicious cynicism in your lives. You’ll probably live longer :>) “… in every possible circumstance of life, there is a higher and lower way of perceiving and acting. There is a way of perceiving that leads to cynicism and divisiveness, a closing off of possibility; and there is a way that leads to higher faith and love, to a higher and more fruitful outcome.”
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Wow, well I guess the figures say it all cause Goop certainly gets more hits than this site. Chill out girls – the jealousy is SO obvious. Stop wasting your time and read blogs you DO enjoy. Oh wait that would be missing the whole point of this blog right?
I LOVED the quotes…..don’t you hate me too?
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