Over the summer, Jamie Lee Curtis made it public that her youngest child had come out as transgender. Both of Jamie and Christopher Guest’s daughters, Annie and Ruby, are private people so Jamie doesn’t talk much about them in the press. But Ruby is choosing to share her story because she hopes to make it an easier discussion for other transgender people. Jamie spoke to People about her part in Ruby’s story. Her main objective is to listen and learn and her main job is to love and support both her daughters.
On letting go of Ruby’s dead name: It so doesn’t fit anymore. That was, of course, the hardest thing. Just the regularity of the word. The name that you’d given a child. That you’ve been saying their whole life. And so, of course, at first that was the challenge. Then the pronoun. My husband and I still slip occasionally.
On making mistakes: I think that’s sort of evolutionary and a very important step in our home. We have tried to maintain it in a big way. I’m learning a lot from Ruby.
On her role in Ruby’s journey: I’m not proselytizing, and I’m not trying to force-feed something to people. I’m simply saying, “This is our family’s experience.” I am here to support Ruby. That is my job. Just as it is to care and love and support her older sister Annie in her journeys. I’m a grateful student. I’m learning so much from Ruby. The conversation is ongoing. But I want to know: How can I do this better?
Ruby is also interviewed in the article. She said that she has done her best to stay private but felt her transition helped her accept the spotlight. Not only is she more comfortable being in the public eye as a woman, but she also hopes it helps others to see her live openly. Both Ruby and Jamie talked about her coming out last year. Ruby knew her parents would be supportive of her, but it was still very difficult for her, and she ended up not being able to do it face to face.
The part I appreciated the most was Jamie admitting to slipping up and accepting she had to learn from that. Ruby said in the interview that she doesn’t get mad at her parents when they do. I could understand a parent simply falling into saying a name or pronoun by force of habit. There is a big difference between an occasional slip followed by a correction and a person not making an effort to use the appropriate name or pronouns. I’m sure it meant a lot to Ruby to hear her mother say that her dead name doesn’t fit anymore. It shows that Jamie understands Ruby’s identity and that this is all about Ruby. I’ve heard parents of trans people try to be supportive but as they began the path that Jamie’s on, the parents make it about them and how their child needs to understand how this is for them. That’s why Jamie’s comments warm my heart so much. None of this is about her, just her role in it.
Ruby attended the Halloween Kills premiere with her mom. We don’t have the photos of them together, you can see one here, but here is a shot of Jamie. She’s dressed as her mother Janet Leigh’s character from Psycho, which is such a boss move. Plus, it kind of means grandmother, mother and granddaughter were all on the carpet together.
Photo Credit: Avalon Red and Instagram
There is truly nothing not to love about Jamie!! She is amazing!
Total class act. Never is less than spectacular in terms of kindness, respect and intelligence.
Absolutely adore her.
God, I love this woman.
Me too. Nothing else to add. she is a treasure
I am not going to articulate this well … but I can’t imagine what it’s like for people going through this experience and having to come out. That must be terrifying, which is sad since it is who you are.
Ruby said it was difficult with parents she knew would be supportive. My heart goes out to those who don’t have that support. I hope to live in a world where that support is the norm… hopefully these stories will help.
I think you articulated it just fine.
Seconded
A good friend of mine has two transgender kids and she is incredibly supportive, but she still slips with the pronouns. My friend talked about mourning the names that she had picked out for her kids – I think that is really common.
I have a real hard time with the pronouns and name of my sibling too. Being autistic I’m just really bad with programming changes into my brain. I try to practice regularly when my brother is not around.
Here’s what I did – I got a tomato plant and named them “Tim” and told everyone that Tim was non-binary and that their pronouns were they/them. And I talked to my family and co-workers about Tim. They all knew I was using Tim to practice my pronouns and were very supportive and helpful. (Proud mom-in-law of a non-binary child-in-law.)
Stories like this are so important. Little by little trans people will be seen and accepted. I thank everyone with a platform for sharing their stories. My trans son is flourishing after transition. Last year of law school, in a happy relationship with a kind partner, and most importantly he feels at peace with himself. Transition was nothing short of a miracle for my child.
Oh my goodness yes. In my last company one of our suppliers who ran training for us came out to me prior to transitioning and her level of anxiety when we had the conversation was clearly sky high, I think (hope!) more to do with our company (construction/engineering) than me. The change in her post transition was incredible, not only was she clearly so much happier but she just seemed more complete in herself (not sure if I’m saying that the right way). Afterwards she was telling me that she had been blown away by the positive reactions from all her clients and it was only her ex-wife who actively dead-named her.
My second cousin came out as transgender two years ago and was promptly thrown out of the house by her mother, who is my maternal grandmother’s sister. I contacted her despite not ever having spoken to her before in my life – my grandmother and her sister have been estranged my entire life – just so that she would know that at least one person in her family didn’t hate her just for being who she was, in case no one else in the family had bothered to do so.
(Spoiler alert: they hadn’t.)
Hearing all of these stories about supportive families does give me hope that the world is shifting away from the views of my great-aunt towards a kinder, more accepting way of looking at the world and treating people who dare to differ from the norm. Thanks for that, everybody.
My child is gender fluid and we use the pronoun “they”. My husband and I slip up when we are tired or distracted because those linguistic habits are hard to change! I’m so fortunate to have a kiddo who doesn’t get mad at us but is gentle in pointing out our mistake and has patience with us. I’m so lucky.
I’m so happy that this generation may have all souls accepted and loved just as they are. My 6 year old asks who people are in shows and to be able to introduce same sex couples, people who have or are currently transitioning or even just dressing how they feel is amazing to me. He accepts it because he sees it and it’s just everyday life to him. It’s shows how easy acceptance is if we want it to be.
I’m so happy that this generation may have all souls accepted and loved just as they are. My 6 year old asks who people are in shows and to be able to introduce same sex couples, people who have or are currently transitioning or even dressing how they feel is amazing to me. He accepts it because he sees it and it’s just everyday life to him. It’s shows how easy acceptance is if we want it to be.
My step-son came out as transgender a few years ago and starting transitioning over the summer. We occasionally mess up the pronouns, but he is very understanding about it and knows we mean no harm by it. He just started his first year in college and is thriving now that’s he’s living authentically. Although he knew his family would be supportive, it was still difficult for him to come out and did it by email. Although it’s taking a little time for the older generation of the family to fully accept it, all the “kids” in the family have looked at it like it’s no big deal. They say “you do you” which means there’s hope out there!
I love hearing all of these stories. My son just came out to us as transgender last fall and every family member absorbed it at different speeds. My daughter didn’t miss a beat in using his name and pronoun properly and being 100% supportive. My husband took a little longer to understand but is now doing it like a champ. We just told my mother a month ago and she seems to be trying but slips constantly and we were watching his volleyball game remotely and she didn’t know her audio was on and her and my step father were just not gendering him correctly even once. I found it hurt me a little. But I guess to our faces at least they try.
It’s been strange because he hasn’t come out fully to the school, so I’m still seeing his dead name in emails and report cards. Seeing that name, it feels like seeing a ghost from a long long time ago. So strange.
When my godchild came out to me as non binary, they told me the pronouns they preferred (they/them). And I’ve worked hard to reprogramming myself. I helped deliver them 20 years ago, so it’s hard sometimes. During our honest conversation I warned them “I’m going to mess up, be patient with me but correct me.” We have a great relationship. I love the person they’ve become since sharing their truth.
This just made me tear up. She is a treasure.
Ruby looks so happy and gorgeous!
Could I love this woman any more….she’s an angel.
My teenage son has been out for about a year and a half. Pronouns and names were a mess for 6 months despite our best efforts; after a year, we pretty much had it under control, and now we just have the occasional weird slip-up. I expect that by the time he goes to college, that will be almost non-existent.
Our therapist gave some great advice for all of us to focus on the work we put into it, rather than the mistakes we make. Kid sees the work, so it’s not as upsetting to him when we mess up. We see the work, and we know will continue to get more natural if we keep doing that. The rest is just a function of time.
If you have had a loved one recently come out, please know that it will get better and easier over time IF you make the effort to respect them and listen to them. Get that right, and the words are just mechanics, like learning a new language.
My teenage son has been out for about a year and a half. Pronouns and names were a mess for 6 months despite our best efforts; after a year, we pretty much had it under control, and now we just have the occasional weird slip-up. I expect that by the time he goes to college, that will be almost non-existent.
Our therapist gave some great advice for all of us to focus on the work we put into it, rather than the mistakes we make. Kid sees the work, so it’s not as upsetting to him when we mess up. We see the work, and we know will continue to get more natural if we keep doing that. The rest is just a function of time.
If you have had a loved one recently come out, please know that it will get better and easier over time IF you make the effort to respect them and listen to them. Get that right, and the words are just mechanics, like learning a new language.
I found this too in terms of the timeline. Now I only slip up if something weird or urgent happens, like if I were to tell him to Watch out!! for something, like it’s a different part of my brain, the unconscious automatic part, that just needs more time. That’s great advice from your therapist.
I ❤ Jamie Lee and every one of the moms sharing above. Parenting is one day at a time and there are days when it would be nice for parents to get a godamn gold medal for battling so hard to do the right thing.