Salma Hayek is promoting her supporting role in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, which looks like a heaping turd of a film. It’s actually Salma’s first movie role since giving birth to Valentina in September of 2007. Of course, Salma had a recurring role on 30 Rock, but I wonder what in God’s name possessed her to make this her big film comeback role. She probably doesn’t even care, honestly. She married billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault, so she probably just takes acting gigs for some amusement when she’s not bathing in solid gold.

Anyhoodle, Salma talked to Parade about The Vampire’s Assistant, where she plays a bearded lady in the circus. Oh, and her character is in love with John C. Reilly’s character. Why, oh why is John in this movie too? Oh, Mr. Cellophane. Salma also talks about how she doesn’t really have a good body. Ah… yeah, right. I would kill for Salma’s “not that great” body.

Vampire love.
“I don’t have a fascination with vampires, but my character is madly in love with one played by John C. Reilly. All she wants is for this guy to love her for who she is and settle down. Isn’t that what most women want? Actually, I found the freaks a lot more interesting than the vampires. We had everything from snake boy to wolfman. I would have been any one of them even though I ended up as the bearded lady.”

About that beard.
“I haven’t had this much facial hair since I had those fuzzy eyebrows in Frida. Everybody said, ‘Oh, my God. You look so hot with the beard.’ It’s like when people tell you, ‘You look gorgeous,’ when you are pregnant. You are like a swollen whale and never looked worse in your life. And somebody goes, ‘You’re glowing.’ They don’t have the courage to tell you how bad you look.”

Her baby daughter was OK with it.
“Valentina saw me with the beard and seemed to understand it was only makeup. She was seven months old and she was not freaking out. I let her watch me when they put it on, which took hours and she was fascinated. And, she knew not to touch it. I kept my daughter with me the whole time we were filming because otherwise I don’t see her the whole day. She’s an amazing child. At nine months old she was already walking and talking.”

The real freaks.
“I think what’s freaky is those guys with the cameras who are so desperate and so excited because they’re seeing you walk into a supermarket and they want to get a picture. I think that’s freaky. They’re the freaks. I’m not a freak but, I’m being attacked by the freaks sometimes. That’s the strange part.”

If she hadn’t been an actress.
“Growing up, I thought about wanting to be a contortionist or maybe a trapeze artist. I would have loved to do something gymnastic. I had another fantasy. Have you ever heard of the group ‘Up With People?’ They’re not a circus troupe, but they came to our city in Mexico when I was a kid doing motivational performances and singing songs about the power we have to change things. I had a dream of going away with them — just going from town to town and being in their show to help promote world peace. That was my real secret fantasy.”

Why she knew Ugly Betty would be a hit.
“It was my chance to produce a TV show and I wanted to do something that would connect with an audience the way the series did on Colombian TV where it was called Yo Soy Betty La Fea. I think people love an underdog who can be successful, a person that is not conventional in how they look or the way they talk. Betty proves that if you’re smart and a hard worker, you can get ahead in life anyway.”

The definition of ugly.
“I don’t think Betty is really ugly, but what do we call ugly now? It’s anybody that is not super-skinny and really tall. Some people think they’re ugly just because they don’t reach that standard. I personally have seen a lot of really skinny tall models that maybe I think are ugly and they need to eat a little to look healthy. So I think we’re having a little fun with the concept of ugly on the show and people get a kick out it.”

Sometimes she feels a little ugly herself.
“I won a ‘Best Body Award’ from Fitness Magazine and I was too embarrassed to accept it. I actually don’t have a good body, but if everybody thinks so, I guess it means I’m a good actress. I have acted the part of the girl who has a very good body. If you know how to dress, there’s some tricks you can pull.”

Why she’s made a commitment to Ventanarosa, her production company.
“I think it empowers you as a woman because you become more creative and self-sufficient, and it lets you grow as a person because you’re in control, you have the power, and you can create jobs. I’m a passionate girl, passionate about a lot of things. But, there is a variety in the passion and some of it is harder to live with. Producing is hell. Writing is frustrating. Acting is really satisfying. Directing is heaven.”

[From Parade]

I loved that line, “I guess it means I’m a good actress. I have acted the part of the girl who has a very good body.” No, Salma. You’re not a great actress. You’re an okay actress with an amazing body. Trust me. I’ve seen Desperado. And From Dusk Til Dawn, where you stripped and danced for George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino. Your body was epic. Your acting is not. But it doesn’t really matter… she seems happy, so God bless.

Here’s Salma (with Francois-Henri Pinault), Pedro Almodovar and Penelope Cruz promoting their latest film Broken Embraces in NYC on October 11th. Salma is shown with Valentina in NYC on October 9th. Images thanks to Fame Pictures .