Here’s a photo of Courtney Love trashed out of her mind while exiting the Chateau Marmont on 1/13 because she always keeps it classy. That’s just a precursor for this warning to brace yourselves, for there’s a new “tell all” book about Courtney (aptly titled Courtney Comes Clean) that has been penned by The Fix and is based upon a year’s worth of in-person, phone, and e-mail correspondence with Love, most of which she probably doesn’t even remember.

The book goes into depth about Courtney’s struggles with addiction, her issues with men, and more on the money troubles that we’ve heard so much about already. Below, I’ve included some excerpts wherein Courtney blames a lot of her own crap on other people, including such celebrities as Winona Ryder and Andy Dick, but the book also apparently includes call-outs aimed towards Tom Cruise, Sean Penn, Scarlett Johansson, Kirstie Alley, Harvey Weinstein, Madonna, Oliver Stone, Brett Ratner, and Clive Owen. What could she possibly have against Clive Owen? Obviously, Courtney has tried (and possibly succeeded) to smash with both Stone and Ratner, but Clive wouldn’t give her the time of day. Maybe that’s what she’s upset about, but who knows? Only Courtney, and she’s probably already forgotten. Here are those excerpts:

On her “sobriety”: “I think of myself as sober,” she says, although she admits that her daily regimen of pills wouldn’t pass muster at an AA meeting. “When you’re used to heroin and cocaine, a few pills doesn’t seem like the end of the world. As they say in AA, it’s about progress, not perfection. I mean, abstinence is a nice idea, but I don’t know if it’s right for everyone. Especially for someone who was nursed on a steady diet of Valium and Ritalin from the time I was seven, thanks to my fine mother. I don’t do street drugs anymore. My medications are all legally prescribed by prominent physicians. I’m entirely legal. But the truth is, I’ve never claimed to be anyone’s role model. I’m not Mother Theresa. All I’m trying to do is stay alive.”

On losing it at Pam Anderson’s roast: “That Roast wasn’t a great moment for me. I was doped and dazed, and had lipstick smeared all over my face. I may have even been drooling. But it was all Andy Dick’s fault. He handed me a fat pill right before the show and said, ‘Courtney, here, take this–it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.’ Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few years ago. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick, I ended up getting addicted to benzos again, which went on to plague my life.”

She’s tight with Sam Lufti:
 Love has dismissed many loyal staffers in recent years, including Marie Walsh Dixon, a veteran associate who decamped to work for Frances Bean. Other employees are suing her for unpaid wages. In their place, she has turned increasingly to Sam “Osama” Lutfi, a 37-year-old sober coach who has played an increasingly prominent role in her day-to-day affairs. A swarthy Svengali who once allegedly worked as a private investigator, Lutfi first rose to prominence in 2007 while representing Britney Spears during her much-publicized breakdown. Lutfi insists he has no formal relationship with Love, whom he describes as a friend.

She’s not a Chelsea Handler fan: “I may not like what you stand for, but I do believe in sisterhood,” she [told] Handler, who had recently taken up with Love’s ex-boyfriend, hotelier Andre Balazs. “You don’t want to put gratitude in the hands of a man who doesn’t accept you for who you are and never, ever will…No one in New York City, not even Trump, is despised more! I’m here to serve! Get help and work on your addiction/trauma, Chelsea! The kids call what you’re doing fame-whoring. [Y]ou’re too dumb to get it! Yes I know he’s telling you to take the high road and I’m telling you to take the f&#@ing high road you low-life. GO 2 REHAB!”

Inspector Courtney on fraud: In 2008, Courtney complained to the press that various corrupt lawyers and accountants had cheated her out of $250 million. By 2010, the figure had ballooned to $1 billion. In her quest to unmask the alleged thefts, she engaged a “twitter army” of volunteers who took to the Internet and examined property records to track down suspicious leads. But while some of those volunteers have backed up her claims of fraud, her distractions and failure to pay her employees have stood in the way of real progress.

The crack really helped too: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others. I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a f&#@king whiz at calculus.”

Oh wait, Courtney screwed herself: “Shortly after Kurt’s death, the lawyer who was representing me called and said, ‘Courtney, you have over $7 million coming to you, but you need to give me your Social Security number.’ [I couldn't] remember my Social Security Number, so I had to lie and make one up. My mother, saint that she is, had a million husbands. My brothers and sisters were adopted by one stepfather, then by another. Thank God I was emancipated when I was 15, but ever since then I’ve wandered through life wondering who the fuck I am: Courtney Michelle Rodriguez? Courtney Michelle Menelli? Courtney Love? Courtney Cobain? It’s like, I don’t even know my f&#@ing name! How am I expected to know my Social Security number?”

[From The Fix]

That part about the social security number is particularly interesting because it illustrates that Courtney has dug her own financial hole from the very moment that Kurt Cobain died, and if she’s hanging with Sam Lufti, Courtney is just begging to get ripped off in the future. Of course, Courtney probably thinks that Sam is just “misunderstood” just like she is, but I find it amusing that he is the one trying to downplay their relationship. When Sam Lufti doesn’t want to be professionally associated with you, well, you catch my drift.

The Fix also includes a lot of excerpts on its website about Francis Bean’s deposition that resulted in her emancipation from Courtney. Francis alleges that Courtney took drugs “for as long as I can remember” and often fell asleep while smoking, which lead to her nearly burning the house down on three separate occasions. Francis also claimed that her cat was killed by Courtney’s hoarding habit and that her dog died after ingesting some of Courtney’s pill stash. At one point, Francis also had to deal with talking her mother out of jumping from a balcony, and she grew understandably weary of listening to Courtney rage about fraud on a consistent basis. For us, it was exhausting just to read Courtney’s fraud-related rants on Twitter, but Francis was apparently dealing with a bunch of screaming and paranoia about it in real life. Poor Francis — thank goodness she got away from that mess of a mother.

Courtney Comes Clean is available for download here.

Here’s photos from Courtney with tweaked lips last July at a Valentino-associated museum launch party.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News and WENN

Is there anyone in the stand-up comedy world more skeevy and gross than Andy Dick? The guy is just creepy. Dick was arrested for sexual abuse over the weekend after he got a little too touchy-feely with a male patron and a bouncer at a comedy club in West Virginia. The club owner posted Dick’s bail, and the other guy, Jonathan Kraft, told TMZ he’s not pressing charges. The bouncer who was groped told police and TMZ that Dick seemed “out of it.” Shocking.

Andy Dick was arrested in West Virginia on two counts felony counts of sexual abuse in the first degree.

Dick was taken to the Western Regional Jail in Barboursville, where he was eventually released this afternoon. His bail was set at $60,000 (30k for each charge). We’re told the owner of the Funny Bone, where Dick performed last night, posted the bail.

Dick faces 1-5 years in prison if convicted.

According to the criminal complaint, Dick was talking to a guy when he “unexpectedly and without invitation grabbed the victim’s crotch, repeatedly groping then kissing him.”

Also in the complaint, a security guard at the bar says that Andy Dick “grabbed his crotch and began laughing” when the guard tried to give him an armband.

A press release from the Huntington Police Department says: “Based upon statements of two victims and independent witness accounts alleging that he had engaged in unwanted and uninvited groping of the two victims’ genital areas, Andrew R. Dick (AKA Andy Dick) of South Pasadena, Calif., was arrested and charged with two counts of Sex Abuse in the First Degree.”

Dick was in town performing at the Funny Bone in Huntington, WV. The manager, Tom Schaefer, told us Dick will go on Saturday and Sunday night as planned. He also tells us he was with Dick at Rum Runners and didn’t witness any of the alleged incidents.

Dick is currently on probation over an incident at a chicken joint, where he was arrested for sexual assault. He copped a plea to battery in 2008.

One of the guys Andy Dick is accused of sexually abusing tells TMZ he was merely doing his job when Andy grabbed him in his special place.

Phillip Daniels, a bouncer at Rum Runners in West Virginia, tells TMZ Andy Dick tried walking past him when he entered the bar, without taking a wristband. Daniels says he stopped the comedian, put the band on his wrist … that’s when Andy grabbed his crotch. Daniels tells us …when he pulled away, Dick laughed and walked off.

Daniels tells us, “You could tell he was really out of it. He was on something.”

The bouncer says someone called the cops and they showed up 20 minutes later, inquiring, “Where’s the comedian?” About eight cops went to the back, Daniels says, and walked out a few minutes later with Dick in handcuffs.

Andy Dick is facing two felony counts of sexual abuse — a male patron says Dick also groped him. If convicted, he could get five years in prison. And, Dick is also in hot water because he’s on probation for another assault case in L.A.

Andy’s lawyer says Andy “is stunned by these allegations” and he is “strongly denying any criminal conduct.”

The two people who told cops Andy Dick got a little grabby with them at a West Virgina bar weren’t the only ones he was allegedly little aggressive with on Friday night — but the third guy says … no harm, no foul.

TMZ obtained photos of Dick at Rum Runners in West Virginia right before his arrest. We spoke with Jonathan Kraft, the other guy in the pics, who tells us he’s a regular at the place and when he saw Dick, he went right up to him and bought him a drink.

Kraft says he introduced Dick to the owner and at one point, Kraft says Dick tried to kiss him. Kraft said he dismissed him, saying, “I’m not down with that.”

Kraft tells TMZ he has no intention of filing any complaint and he calls the charges against Dick “dumb” and “stupid,” saying, “He’s nationally known as a weird guy.”

[From TMZ]

Hey, Andy: greeting total strangers by grabbing their twig-and-berries might be socially acceptable in West L.A., but you were in West Virginia. Idiot. TMZ has photos of Dick just before the arrest, and it’s pretty obvious that he has no concept of “personal space,” but it doesn’t look like he’s forcing himself on anyone. Still, given the fact that Andy Dick is an all-around creep, drunk, druggie and loser, with a long history of stupid behavior, I can’t say he didn’t do it.

Andy Dick’s mugshot courtesy of A Socialite Life.

“Actor” and “comedian” (I use both those terms really, really loosely here) Andy Dick has got to have one of the longest, most bizarre rap sheets in all of Hollywood. The Q-list actor was once arrested for mooning people at a McDonald’s; has exposed himself at a Canadian comedy club (to be fair, so have I); was forcibly removed from Jimmy Kimmel Live after he repeatedly groped Ivanka Trump… the list goes on. And those are just a few of the non-drug offenses. I can’t even begin to give the highlights from that section of Dick’s rap sheet.

Now Dick has a few new charges to add to his ever-growing attorney’s fees. And a picture that makes him look just like Sideshow Bob.

Wacked out crazy comedian Andy Dick was arrested early this morning in Murrieta, Calif. on suspicion of drug possession and sexual battery.

Cops busted the 42-year-old Dick just before 2 AM this morning in the parking lot near a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Dick is still being held, his bail set at $5,000.

Around 1:15 AM this morning cops tell us they responded to a report of a person peeing in the parking lot outside the wing joint, causing a disturbance.

Once there, they stopped a van and found Dick in the passenger seat. He was arrested for allegedly groping a 17-year-old girl’s breasts and pulling her top down.

When he was searched, cops say they found weed and one Xanax in his front pants pocket.

[From TMZ]

I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that Andy Dick is the sleaziest guy in Hollywood. True, you don’t hear about him as much, so there are definitely guys out there that whose reputations are better known. But when you go through the list – and see how many of his incidents are sexual in nature – it sure makes the guy look pretty damn disgusting. From what I can tell, he hasn’t done much significant time for any of his infractions – though he has said this about his jail experiences:

“…getting arrested isn’t too bad, since I’m a bisexual, I don’t have a problem with angry men having sex.”

[From Wikipedia]

Considering Dick is still in jail on only $5,000 bail, he might want to consider giving a crap about his image and not being such a sleaze bag so he can get some work.

Saturday Night Live comedians Andy Dick and Jon Lovitz had a fight in LA comedy club Laugh Factory. As soon as I read this, I just got the Bridget Jones’ Diary fight sequence in my head. Check it out here.

The reason for the comedy fight was that Andy allegedly gave Brynn Hartman cocaine at a 1997 Christmas party, after she had been clean and sober for 10 years. Five months later she killed her husband, Phil Hartman of TV series NewsRadio. She wasn’t on cocaine, but she was drunk and taking Zoloft. She killed herself at the same time.

So what does this have to do with Andy Dick and Jon Lovitz? Well, Lovitz replaced Hartman on NewsRadio, and when this happened he blamed Andy Dick for Phil Hartman’s death. (Take a deep breath and stay with me people, I know it’s confusing and strange) Last year Andy walked past Jon, drank his guests’ drink, and declared “I put the ‘Phil Hartman hex’ on you – you’re the next one to die.”

Then Jon decided to smash Andy’s face into a bar until his nose bled.

Lovitz was furious. “I wanted to punch his face in, but I don’t hit women,” he said.

Then when the two ran into each other last Wednesday at the Laugh Factory, tensions boiled over.

“I wanted him to say he was sorry for the ‘Phil Hartman hex’,” Lovitz said.

“First he says, ‘I don’t remember saying that.’ Then he leans in and says, ‘You know why I said it? Because you said I killed Phil Hartman.’ Which I never said. Then he asked me to be in his new movie.

“I grabbed him by the shirt and leaned him over and said, ‘I don’t want to be in your movie! I don’t want to be in your life!’

“I pushed him against the rail. Then I pushed him again really hard. A security guard broke it up. I’m not proud of it … but he’s a disgusting human being.”

SMH

Two middle aged men fighting in a comedy club, over an incident that happened years ago. That is champagne comedy. I’m sure Jon Lovitz isn’t the first person who has wanted to punch Andy Dick in the face. How did Carrie Fisher feel after he licked her face?