We’ve been on the outs for a while now. No, you didn’t do anything in particular. Maybe that was the problem though? You made some crappy movies that no one wanted to see, and you disappeared from our collective radars. That Hemingway & Gellhorn mess was particularly tragic, but that was mostly because of Nicole Kidman’s Botox-Face. So when Fame/Flynet kept posting new photos of you over the past month on the set of your new film, Words and Pictures, in Vancouver, I kept ignoring them. I’ve been burned by your burning love before! Plus, my biscuit now belongs to Benedict Cumberbatch. And Michael Fassebender. And James McAvoy and Alexander Skarsgard (to a lesser degree). If I wanted to fall for some rugged, black-haired Englishman with piercing eyes, I began turning to my love David Gandy. So Clive, I guess what I’m trying to say is… WE ARE OVER.
OH GOD, don’t cry, Clive. It’s okay. Maybe I’ve been too harsh. Were you the one shunning me this whole time and I thought I was shunning you? Did you want to take a step back and focus on other things and that’s why your career faltered? Were you tired of being the next Richard Burton or whatever? Or maybe the world just doesn’t know what to do with a man like you, Clive. Especially when you’re all beardy and swarthy and… those glasses really suit you. You look like a college professor who knows how to give a good spanking. So, yes… maybe our love will last a little bit longer.
What’s that? You’ll be in Cannes for the premiere of Blood Ties? That’s interesting. Something to look forward to, I suppose, although I’ll be more interested in seeing what Mila Kunis is wearing and if she brings Ashton. Yes, I think Ashton is a d-bag too. It’s awful.
So, I guess I’ll see you around. You will always have a place in my heart (and other body parts). And by the way… keep the scruff. It’s doing something for me.
I will never stop talking about Clive Owen, even if he isn’t in my current Forever Dong rotation. My current rotation is: Benedict Cumberbatch, Kevin Bacon (has anyone else been watching The Following?!?) and Michael Fassbender. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good, dirty fantasy about Clive. It’s been even longer since he wrote me a dirty letter! But even in his absence… Clive could still get it, right? He’s 48 years old, by the way. Aging like a fine wine.
Anyway, these are new photos of Clive at the Paris premiere of his film Shadow Dancer. I believe we had photos of London premiere last year, so I guess this film is coming out in not-so-steady drips. Maybe they’re having distribution problems. Clive looks good, right? He always wears the hell out of a suit, his hair looks decent, and I’m enchanted by his late-in-life sideburns. He still knows how to eye-f—k a camera too.
In other Clive news, he’s no longer going to be doing the long-gestating Sin City sequel/prequel, A Dame To Kill For. At one point, many years ago, Clive was supposed to reprise his role and Angelina Jolie was supposed to play “the dame” Ava Lord. Now Josh Brolin is taking over Clive’s part and Eva Green will be playing “the dame”. Which brings me to something I’ve been meaning to ask about Clive – doesn’t it feel like he’s in a major career slump? I mean, I love him and I’ll still seek out his movies… but I wish he would make better movies. Back in 2005-6, it felt like Clive was going to be the next big leading actor… and then everything kind of petered out for him, career-wise. Come on, Clive!
As a half-Indian girl, I can’t even tell you what these photos of Clive Owen and my Indian-girl-avatar Freida Pinto are doing to me. THEY ARE AWESOME. Freida is even looking at Clive like, “Damn. Okay, I get it. Act cool, girl. Just brush up against him a little bit.” The Clive Dong’s magic is hypnotizing poor Freida. And if I’m not mistaken, Clive looks like he might be preparing to write Freida a dirty letter. “From the Desk of Clive Owen: Would you like to bang me, darling Freida?” I know, I know – Clive is happily married, etc. But just give me this, okay? He might be into Indian girls. Please?
Anyway, these photos are from last night’s Jaeger LeCoultre Event at the Venice Film Festival. I think Clive reps the brand, and Freida was probably paid to be there too. Can you even imagine being PAID to stand next to Clive Owen with his arm draped around you? *dies*
As for Freida’s dress – it’s Alexander McQueen. I don’t know if it’s old McQueen (like, it was actually designed by McQueen?) or if it’s Sarah Burton for McQueen. My guess is that it’s Burton for McQueen – I’m guessing that because I really dislike the gown, and it doesn’t look like McQueen’s vision. It would have been more interesting if it was just a straight-forward gown with no cutouts, I think. The cutouts make it “unique” but they look rather déclassé in general.
First, let me start off with a series of apologies. For one, the day after Labor Day is kind of dead, gossip-wise, thus I’m throwing together photos from two different events in which the only common denominator is “You probably want to bang these dudes.” I also need to apologize for the lack of “Letters From Clive Owen” lately. There are only so many times that Clive can dash off a dirty note to us, and honestly, Clive peaked when he was at the same event with Michael Fassbender last year. So let’s just do it straight-out this time – these are some new photos of Clive at the Venice Film Festival, looking kind of paunchy and bulgy. Would you hit it? Look at the bulge, think of his voice and then answer. I would totally let him bang me on a gondola.
And here are some other photos of Karl Urban from the Madrid photo call of something called “Dredd 3D” which sounds awful. I know Urban has a lot of fan-girls around these parts, mostly Trekkies who loved him JJ Abrams’ Star Trek reboot. He’s going to be in the sequel too! My favorite roles for Urban were The Bourne Supremacy (he played the Russian assassin) and Red (CIA dude trying to take out all of the old-timers). Oh, and I guess the Lord of the Rings people like him too because he was in the trilogy? I completely forgot about that. Anyway… just going by these photos alone… I think I might prefer Karl to Clive, given such narrow parameters.
OH DEAR LORD. What in the world is Pippa Middleton wearing?! Ugh. Let’s do some background first, shall we? Duchess Kate’s little sister Pippa has been keeping a much lower profile lately, basically ever since the awful incident in which Pippa was out joy-riding with a bunch of French dudes in Paris and one of them started waving a gun around while Pippa laughed. Pippa was criticized and she was forced to “take her medicine” – meaning, she had to limit her public exposure for a while, and when she did make public appearances, she made sure not to draw attention to herself. Well, I guess that period is now over, because these are new photos of Pippa at last night’s London premiere of Shadow Dancer.
Pippa is wearing Alice By Temperley – I actually think Alice Temperley makes lovely, feminine, girlishly-wearable clothes ordinarily (I’ve always wanted Duchess Kate to wear more Temperley), but this dress is just kind of awful and cheap-looking. You know what it looks like to me? Holmes & Yang. This looks like something cheap that Katie Holmes would have made (and worn herself). Of course, the fact that it’s PIPPA who is wearing the dress doesn’t help matters. Some women can make a burlap sack look like Chanel (cough-DianeKruger-cough). Some women can make Chanel look like burlap – like Pippa. Why is she orange? Why is her eyeliner so, so heavy? And, again, why is her skin that color?
Incidentally, this film actually looks kind of good. It’s set in 1990s Belfast (before the Good Friday Accord) where “an active member of the IRA becomes an informant for MI5 in order to protect her son’s welfare.” Guess who is in it? Ladies, prepare yourselves… CLIVE OWEN. And he was at the premiere too. Do you think he spoke to Pippa? Oooooh, I will be so mad at her if she tried to flirt with The Clive.
I’ve been looking for an excuse to cover the photos coming out of the New York set of Blood Ties, but it only came together for me just now. The tagline for Blood Ties: “Two brothers, on either side of the law, face off over organized crime in Brooklyn during the 1970s.” Clive Owen is presumably playing one of the (muttonchopped) brothers, and little Mila Kunis is playing Clive’s character’s WIFE. You heard me. Mila Kunis, 28, is playing the 1970s wife of Clive Owen, 47. I think I’m so weirded out by this because Mila actually seems much younger than 28, and I don’t really see how a man’s man like Clive could have any chemistry with this young woman. But… he had chemistry with Natalie Portman in Closer (God, that scene in the strip club – OMG). So maybe it will work out?
But my real hook for this story is one I’m borrowing from The Superficial, who pointed out that in these photos from the Blood Ties set, it looks like Mila Kunis has put on a little weight. Mila is a small girl – she reportedly dropped her weight drastically for Black Swan, and then she’s been gradually gaining weight back. Personally, I’m not sure I would have noticed her (slight!) weight gain if The Superficial hadn’t pointed it out. Maybe she’s wearing padding, though? Because it just seems to be in her midsection. Or maybe she just like beer and hawt dergs. Alternate theory: Mila is gaining weight because she’s gestating an Ashton Kutcher douche-baby. GROSS.
Still… let’s be fair. All of the people who would have said “HELL YES” to the “Mila Kunis: Would you hit it?” question will still want to hit it. Same for Muttonchop Clive.
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet and Pacific Coast News.
I didn’t know Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman would be promoting their HBO film, Hemingway & Gellhorn, at the Cannes Film Festival. But here they are at a photo call today – I’m guessing the film won’t have a big premiere? Probably just a screening. Anyway, I need to ignore Nicole for a moment and focus on Clive Owen’s MUTTONCHOPS. When does a sideburn become a muttonchop? This is the example that should be used. Granted, Clive is rocking his muttons for a film - Blood Ties. I think Mila Kunis plays his love interest, which is kind of gross (to me) because of the age difference. I’m also assuming Blood Ties is a period film – 1970s? Sure.
Beyond L’Mutton, I guess Clive looks alright. He no longer has that eerie beauty of his youth, but I get the feeling that if he tried, if he got a haircut and took off the muttonchops, he would still be a very handsome man. I kind of hate the way he looks at Nicole. Clive just… smolders. Right? Do not smolder at Nicole, Clive!!
As for Nicole… I’m still searching for the designer ID. I actually love this dress because it’s a great silhouette for her, it’s not the kind of dress she usually wears, and I love a good graphic print. However… I don’t think her hair is doing her any favors here. And her face looks… well, she looks tired. Let’s say it that way. She had a busy day yesterday promoting The Paperboy, so maybe she’s just genuinely exhausted.
Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen star in HBO’s Hemingway & Gellhorn, the true story of Ernest Hemingway and Martha Gellhorn’s stormy, balls-out marriage (and divorce). I previewed the TV movie here, when the trailer came out. It looks… awful. Clive as Hemingway is an interesting choice, I guess, but quite honestly, I can’t see past Nicole’s crazy lips or her 44-year-old school-girl routine. To promote the film, Clive joined Nicole for the May cover of W Magazine. Nicole has long collaborated with W for interesting pictorials – in one of my favorites, circa 2007, she and Daniel Craig looked like they could eat each other up. That was a hot photo shoot. This one… is not. Clive looks kind of constipated and Nicole just looks… dear God. That blonde wig. Why do I feel like she went blonde specifically because she knew she was in talks to play Grace Kelly? Anyway, you can read Clive and Nicole’s full interviews here, and here are some highlights:
Clive on falling in love with his wife, Sarah-Jane Fenton, while playing Romeo to her Juliet: “After drama school I did a seven-month tour of Europe performing in Romeo and Juliet. I played Romeo. I was at the first rehearsal, thinking, I wonder what Juliet is going to be like, and she came in. She had a corduroy jacket on and was carrying a pile of secondhand books, and her glasses were falling off. I kind of fell in love at that moment… When we did the big balcony scene, I always thought we had this amazing connection. Much later, she admitted to me she couldn’t even see me because she’s so shortsighted, and she didn’t wear her glasses onstage [laughs]. At the time, I didn’t think it would be a great idea if Romeo and Juliet got together, so we didn’t do anything about our relationship until halfway through the run. We finally got together in Belfast, and now we have two daughters.”
Clive on sex scenes versus death scenes: “It’s much harder to do a death scene. You’ve got to do it convincingly, and it’s a huge thing to die [laughs]. Sex scenes are only hard if there’s no narrative conveyed through the sex scene. In the Hemingway film, the sex scenes have a story going through them. It’s part of who these people are and what they are.”
Clive on Hemingway: “As a writer, he doesn’t have the same impact in England as he does in America. I spent five, six months doing research. I went to his house outside Havana, Cuba. The incredible thing about the house, which his wife donated to the Cuban government, is that the moment he died, they locked the place down. They don’t usually let people inside, but they set it up for me. I got in Hemingway’s home, and everything is still there. His clothes are in the closet. His books. His typewriters. His coats are still hanging in the closet just as he left them…. I tried on his boots. I don’t think I’ve ever done anywhere near as much research for any part. It was hugely enjoyable to walk around hearing Hemingway’s voice in my head.”
Nicole Kidman on Martha Gellhorn: “I knew nothing about Martha, but I’ve always been drawn to unique women who are willing to take on the world. The exciting thing about this film is that you see her discovering her nature. At the beginning, she’s a lot of talk. She knows that she’s either got to get her hands dirty and become what she pretends to be or she’s a fraud. In the end, Gellhorn out-Hemingways Hemingway.”
Nicole’s first movie memory: “The Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West had the biggest impact on me. When the striped stockings disappeared under the house, I wanted to become an actor. No, [I didn‘t want to play Dorothy.] I was always interested in the character roles. I thought the witch was much more fascinating than Dorothy.”
Nicole on her mom: “She always believed in me, but she’s tough on me too. She’s lived a life where she made a lot of compromises. She would have loved to be a doctor, but she didn’t come from the generation of women where she could go and be a doctor. She became a nurse instead. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a nurse, but she wanted to be a doctor. Until I won the Academy Award [for The Hours], I was kind of pursuing things to please her. I’ve really tried to sever that… She likes The Hours. And Moulin Rouge. She didn’t like Fur, but she said she’s going to rewatch it.”
Nicole on nudity: “I don’t mind being naked. Maybe as I get older, and now after having had a baby, it might be different, but I enjoy not letting my issues get in the way of a performance. Once I start putting all my little insecurities in my mind, I’m not actually acting. Then it’s about me—and it should never be about me. It should be about the character.”
Meh. Clive always tells that story about meeting his wife. Almost like he’s reminding all of us that YES he’s married and that he and his lady met under wonderful circumstances – Romeo and Juliet, night after night on stage. As for the HBO film… look, I would love for it to a raging success. Clive needs some success, because he’s barely been working lately. But this film just looks like such a mess.
Starz has been playing Elizabeth: The Golden Age a lot recently, and I get sucked into it every time. Sure, there’s my beloved Cate Blanchett, and yes, there’s so much costume pr0n. But really, I’m just watching it for Clive Owen as Sir Walter Raleigh. He’s so sexy in that movie! I mean, they build him up to be an over-the-top romantic hero, but it’s just… his voice. His presence. GAH!! I shall never quit The Clive.
Anyway, these are new photos of Clive in NYC last night, at a screening of his horror film, Intruders. Yes, he’s getting a bit jowly, maybe a bit paunchy. He’s 47 years old! That’s three years younger than George Clooney. And one year younger than Brad Pitt. So… I didn’t really feel like doing a “From the Desk of Clive Owen” because I’m just not feeling it this morning. Do I still love Clive? Of course. Would I still hit it? YES. But Clive needs to write me something especially dirty. Here’s the trailer for Intruders:
And in case you want to hear Clive’s lovely voice, here’s an interview Clive did with CBS This Morning yesterday… he talks a lot about playing Hemingway and a little bit about his daughters.
Have you bitches missed me? I have missed you, if you couldn’t tell by my haggard-yet-handsome face. I know, I’m not aging spectacularly and even though I was wearing a beautiful tuxedo last night, I still looked rather tired and drawn. On the bright side, I’m not going in for facelifts. I would never. I draw out the real fans by who still love me even when I’m slightly paunchy. Everything still works properly, you know. And I could still do some absolutely filthy things to you. Simmer on that.
So these are some photos of me and Olivier Martinez, Jet Li, Jerry Hall and Kathleen Turner in Germany – where we were being honored at UNESCO’s 20th anniversary gala. I was honored for my work with the Aegis Trust, and for the work I’ve done on genocide awareness, especially in Rwanda. If you’d like to read my speech, in which I describe taking my then 12-year-old daughter to Rwanda to meet survivors and family members of the 1994 genocide, go here. It’s devastating. So perhaps you’ll forgive me if I’m not looking particularly dashing and dongy in these photos – perhaps you’ll instead be turned on by how big my HEART is. Because I give a s–t. Deeply.
And even though I’m a scruffy, paunchy bastard, you know you would still want a go with me. And I’m wearing the hell out of this tux. Admit it.
Yours always,
Clive
PS… There have been some mutterings about my marriage, and how I haven’t been wearing a wedding ring lately. That’s got you perked up, hasn’t it?
