Madonna sounds like a really fun parent. I mean she rebelled like crazy, to the point that she built her reputation and her fame on it. So she’s gotta remember what it’s like to be young and have unnecessarily strict parents. Remember “Papa Don’t Preach?” Yeah that’s right; Madonna knows that if you’re too strict a parent, your rebellious daughter will end up pregnant and keeping her baby. So she’s must be cool, right? Nope, while Madonna may have made a name for herself by being a rebel, she’s managed to do it with a Guinness -sized stick up her ass the whole time. Which means that – not surprisingly – she’s a total nutcase when it comes to rules and discipline with her kids. The list of “no’s” is pretty long – television, red meat, fun, laughter, merriment… in fact I think even childhood is on the list. A while ago we wrote an article about how husband Guy Ritchie said each of their kids only gets three Christmas presents. It turns out the reasoning has nothing to do with Madonna and Guy’s involvement in Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism. Apparently the problem is that Christmas is too commercial. Says the material girl. [Yes I stole that joke from Fark. It was too good not to use].

Here’s a rundown of the Ritchie’s slightly draconian Christmas festivities.

There won’t be carols, brandy butter or television. There’ll be hardly any presents, and most traditional, seemingly innocent festive fare has been banned. Indeed, a rather restricted version of Yuletide spirit will be in evidence in the $11 million London townhouse where Madonna, her director husband Guy Ritchie and their children Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David Banda, 2, will spend Christmas Day.

“The deal is that the family hasn’t converted to Judaism, but they do celebrate Jewish festivals,” a friend says. It’s all bracingly pick ‘n’ mix for the Ritchies. Somewhat breathtakingly, the main reason for not exchanging gifts is that Madonna is very much against the commercialism of Christmas. This seems rather a cheek, given the way she has unblushingly flogged her image and her sexuality in the most commercial way possible for three decades.

The day’s highlight will be a low-fat, macrobiotic feast prepared by their chef. (Neither Ritchie nor Madonna cook.) It is highly unlikely to feature turkey, as Madonna has issues with the rearing and slaughtering of poultry. Instead, the “feast” will be based on grains - such as quinoa - and vegetables. Friends of the family say there will be a small amount of unsalted meat for the children and for Ritchie, but salty, fatty treats such as stuffing are completely out.

[From News.com.au]

Lest you think Madonna is just a Christmas Grinch, don’t be worried – she’s a crazy disciplinarian regarding her kids all year long. Fearful that they won’t be mercilessly tormented by their peers, Madonna has piled on the rules. I’m pretty sure when poor Lourdes leaves home, she’s going to gain the freshman 50, all on nothing but cream.

Indeed, the festive season is seen by Madonna as no excuse to stint on her punishing health regimen. She has even hired a nutritionist to advise on her children’s food. As a result, except for the very occasional ice cream as a treat, they have controlled amounts of dairy food, no cheese, no cream, no salt, no preservatives and no sugar.

“They entertain beautifully, but it isn’t what you would call conventional,” a friend says. “A housekeeper will set out a great big table covered in stuff, all macrobiotic, which no one dares eat unless Madonna tucks in. They’re all terrified of her.”

[From News.com.au]

I have to admit, I’m kind of afraid of Madonna too. My God, if she found out the things I said about her, she might stuff me full of quinoa. Seriously, having a healthy diet is great, but when you’re too restrictive with food – hell with anything – it makes kids want it more. You have to give in enough so that yummy food doesn’t attain this reverential status. Seriously, my mom was that way, and I gained like 40 pounds when I left home. It was donut city. I’m pretty sure poor Rocco is going to do nothing but eat Mounds bars the first time he has a week of freedom from his control-freak mom. Listen Madonna, I know that giant stick helped you attain commercial success, but applying the same principles of uptight rigidity might not be the most successful way to raise a happy family.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Madonna out and about in Manhattan on December 9th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Could Britney Spears’ crazy behavior all be explained by too many visits to Starbucks and Taco Bell? According to a doctor interview by “Access Hollywood” the answer is absofreakingloutely. Direct quote.

“When you take a look at Britney Spears and her behavior, it’s very frightening,” Dr. Timothy Brantley, a PhD who educates patients on the power of food, told Access. “She’s a person who’s completely addicted to sugar. This is like heroin for a junkie. She’s literally on a roller coaster to hell.” Britney’s irrational behavior — from shaving her head to attacking a car with an umbrella — can partly be attributed to her toxic diet of caffeine drinks and fast food, Brantley told Access.

“Caffeine and sugar in this drink will drive your blood sugars and hormones crazy and it can effect your mood for hours,” Brantley said of a Frappuccino. Britney’s favorite Venti Frapaccino coffee can cause her to become irritable, agitated and lose focus. “And of course irrational behavior follows that,” Brantley said. “Once you get a quick rise and a quick drop, the body is back in a craving cycle again.”

Additionally, the caffeine content in her extra large soda could cause memory loss, inattentiveness and anxiety. “If you flood your body with sugars and all of a sudden you become really hyper, I think your judgment is going to be really altered,” he said. The greasy tacos and fries Britney craves from the drive-thru are equally destructive. “It’s toxic to the liver,” he said. “It’s going to mess up your hormones.”

[From Access Hollywood]

I agree with every single word of this – in theory. Sugar can do terrible things to your body. I have had a nasty sugar addiction for as long as I can remember. Though I’ve never battled any other addiction and have nothing to compare it to, trying to wean myself off sugar has been brutal. Strawberries just don’t compare to chocolate cake, I don’t give a shit what Suzanne Somers and the Sugar Busters people say. Regardless, when the good doctor points out “This is like heroin for a junkie,” I think the issue is more the heroin that she’s likely using than the sugar. I agree that sugar can do all the things he says, I just think Britney’s drug habit is the more likely culprit. Convince me that she’s not shooting/shorting/huffing anything that doesn’t walk and we’ll talk.

The best part of this article? “She’s literally on a roller coaster to hell.” I love when people use the word “literally” to emphasize their point. They’re trying to say “really” but want a stronger word, so they say “literally” – completely forgetting what it means. If Britney were literally on a roller coaster to hell, first off hell would have some pretty cool rides. I understand that any addiction is brutal, but I’m pretty sure they don’t send you literally to hell via the Coney Island Cyclone. At least in this life.

David Beckham recently came down and played a game of soccer in New Zealand, met some Maori and ate out. Now it seems that the tablescraps from his fast food jaunts are worth more than a fresh burger. A lot more.

Soccer superstar David Beckham’s backwash is a hot commodity, with memorabilia hunters in New Zealand bidding up to $5000 for a partly drunk Coke bottle.

One seller is offering for sale a Coke bottle from which the soccer star allegedly drank during his recent visit to the country.

In an effort to attract bids, the seller notes on the Trademe online auction site that the bottle is still one quarter full.

“Mostly backwash I would imagine,” the seller says in answer to a query.

The bottle - which has attracted one bid of $5000 - is said to have been left on a table by Beckham after he ate at a fast-food restaurant in Wellington.

The seller said buyers are welcome to do a DNA test to prove the authenticity of the product, but also provides a picture of themselves with Beckham.

Melbourne Herald Sun

Ew, gross. The report of a $5,000 offer is greatly exaggerated, since if you view the listing it’s at $50 with no offers at all. Are you a true Beckham fan, because buying a bottle of backwashed, warm Coke would have to be the ultimate proof.

Becks also ate fried chicken, coleslaw and corn at a fast food joint in Wellington, and the cutlery and scraps were also put up for auction. I’m guessing that fried chicken is rarely on teh menu when posh is doing teh cooking. Or instructing someone else to do the cooking. She doesn’t strike me as the baking type.

Beckham played while in New Zealand with a broken rib. What, you can play a demonstration match with a broken rib but you can’t play out your multimillion dollar Galaxy contract with just a sore knee?

Beck’s left New Zealand and caught the first Spice Girls concert, and gave the girls a gift that should make them very, very happy.

We’re used to David Beckham splashing out on presents for his other half.

But Becks surprised his wife and the rest of the Spice Girls when he bought £50,000 of stunning diamond-encrusted bracelets for them all.

Posh told us: “He knows I’m really nervous about him seeing me back on stage, so he bought us all these bracelets for good luck. It’s like the old days. David spent a lot of time around the girls when we first got together - it’s as though he married all of us. He’s the original Spice Boy.”

Mirror

A diamond bracelet? For each of them? That is pretty generous, when most people go on holiday all you get is a t-shirt, or a keyring.

Picture note by Celebitchy David Beckham is shown at his youth soccer clinic on 8/17/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

One of the largest white truffles ever found went for a record-breaking $330,000 at a charity auction held in three locations yesterday. White truffles are fungi that typically grow in northern Italy and Croatia. Truffles come in other varieties, including the well-known black truffle, which can be found in the French countryside. White and black truffles are rare and highly sought after as food. Truffle hunting can be extremely lucrative, as the prized delicacies can be priced at around $11,000 a kilo. (2.2 pounds.)

Dogs are specially trained to hunt the truffles and locate them in the wild. Rocco, an Italian mutt, found the 3.3 pound white truffle near Pisa, Italy at the base of a tree and abut 2.5 feet underground. His owners, Christiano and Luciano Savini, auctioned off the huge fungus for charity. It went to a Hong Kong casino owner in Macau after a bidding war with controversial artist Damien Hirst. The proceeds will be donated to different charities in London, Macau, and Italy.

First sniffed out by a mongrel dog in the woods of Tuscany, the biggest white truffle unearthed in half a century fetched a record $330,000 (£160,000) yesterday at a charity auction more passionate and raucous than if a Rembrandt or Titian had been at stake.

The knobbly, soil-encrusted 1.5kg (3.3lbs) white tuber magnatum pico was the subject of fierce bidding and was finally claimed by the Hong Kong billionaire Stanley Ho, nicknamed ‘The King of Gambling’ and one of Asia’s richest men.

Bidding was linked by satellite between Macau, Florence and London’s Refettorio restaurant, where guests included the DJ Chris Evans and his wife, Natasha. Giorgio Locatelli, consultant chef at Refettorio, took instructions from the artist Damien Hirst, in Cornwall over a mobile phone. After bowing out at $130,000, Hirst told him: ‘I’m walking down the beach. Fuck it!’

The value was heightened by a dry summer which has made white truffles - dubbed ‘white gold’ and the fungal equivalent of caviar - more precious than ever. Trade prices hit £3,500 per kilo at the start of the brief season, from October to December, with Harrods charging £5,500. The previous auction record was set only last month when a white truffle fetched $212,000 in Hong Kong.

At the Grand Lisboa hotel in Macau, 500 guests attended a black tie dinner, many arriving via a heliport on the roof. Fourteen truffles were up for auction at the three locations, some presented on red silk, culminating in the 1.5kg colossus which was announced as ‘the truffle of the century’.

‘It is a beautiful truffle,’ said Locatelli. ‘There is a long decline in truffles from 50 to 100 years ago because of pesticides and the way we are using our planet without respecting it. To produce truffles you need a purity of environment.’

[From The Guardian]

The article notes that a 5.5 pound truffle was given to President Eisenhower in 1954.

I started to cover this because Madonna and Cate Blanchett were expected at the auction, but neither attended according to reports. It doesn’t seem like bidding suffered much due to lack of star power, and the scene sounds like something out of a Bond movie.

The truffle must be cooked and eaten within the next week, as truffles need to be consumed within 20 days or they will become moldy and inedible.

When I read this article I was trying to remember if I’ve ever eaten truffles other than the chocolate kind, and I’ve had meals at restaurants that claimed they were made with truffle oil. It turns out that truffle oil usually doesn’t contain the pricey ingredient, and is typically just olive oil infused with a synthetic truffle flavor. At prices like that, it’s no wonder the oil doesn’t have any real truffles in it.

Here’s a video about the largest truffle, thanks to Telegraph.co.uk:

The header image is of Angela Leong, the wife of the winning bidder Stanley Ho, holding the prized truffle. Image from Reuters.

10 years of overusing the word “bam” have finally caught up to him. Emeril Lagasse’s cooking show on the Food Network has been cancelled. “Emeril Live” will film the last supper on December 11th.

The Food Network has confirmed that “Emeril Live’’ — once the flagship of its primetime schedule — will cease production of new episodes in mid-December after 10 seasons.

[AP]

The beloved cliché-driven chef has put in his time on the channel devoted to the love of cooking. A rep for the network confirmed that he is still under a contract and will continue with his other show “Essence of Emeril.” He will also take part in various specials and other Food Network opportunities. Emeril also issued a statement via the rep expressing his gratitude.

“I am deeply appreciative to all the unbelievable staff — many who have been with the show since the beginning — and all the loyal viewers, and the many talented guests who have appeared on the show through the years. I look forward to continuing my association with the Food Network with `The Essence of Emeril,’ and I have lots of new ideas cooking.”

Possible reasons for the cancellation include a drop in ratings and Emeril’s bloated showbiz salary. The Alton Brown driven show, “Good Eats,” replaced “Live’s” 8 pm spot and increased viewers by 13% . The showy aspect of “Live” was also hard to swallow with a live audience and a band that seemed to provide little appeal. Basically, the network is making room for the fresh meat arriving. Guy Fieri, to name one of the up-and-comers, has been picked up for two more seasons.

Honestly, I haven’t watched anything Emeril-related in years. I just don’t think he creates everyday food that the faster-paced American public lives on. (Although cooking for me usually starts with something that comes from a box.)

Isn’t it cute when celebs try to convince us that they’re just normal people too? Like Angelina Jolie goes to 7-11 at 4 a.m. because she really needs a Slurpee. Or at any moment, you might run into Tom Cruise in the deli section of your grocery store, because he’s just a normal guy out shopping! What the hell! Do they think we buy this crap? And why would they want us to? You have to admit, we’re not nearly as interested in the celebrities that seem “normal.” Well Eva Longoria would like us to believe that she whips up Tony Parker’s favorite dishes on a moment’s notice. Somehow I don’t see her waiting on him hand and foot. In the grand tradition of celebrities with nothing better to do, Eva has opened up a new restaurant call BESO, with celebrity chef Todd English.

Thanks to the writers strike, Eva Longoria has a little extra time on her hands. But don’t worry, the Desperate Housewives star is keeping busy, whipping up Thanksgiving dinner and finalizing plans for her Mexican-American restaurant, BESO. “I love to cook!” Longoria, 32, told PEOPLE while relaxing at the soon-to-open eatery during Samsung’s BlackJack II event Wednesday night. “I’m a big, big cooker in my family, so this is kind of an extension of my house. I feel like everybody’s going to be in my living room.”

Longoria swears she’s hands-on when it comes to BESO, which is located in Hollywood and is in partnership with celebrity chef Todd English. “I’m so involved, I picked the uniforms,” she said. “A lot of these are my recipes. We’ve developed a really fun menu.” One person who’s already a devoted fan of Longoria’s culinary creations: husband Tony Parker. (The two wed in France at an over-the-top wedding this past July.) “I cook anything he wants to eat,” she said. “Everything. I mean, every day it’s a different date.”

[From People]

If there is any truth to that at all, I’m going to marry Eva Longoria next. I love the way celebs become their own little PR reps. Eva can fire whatever agency uses; she’s so good at giving little soundbites. I really believe that you’re the cook in your family, and that many of the recipes at your fancy new restaurant with a fancy chef aren’t his, but yours! Totally buying it. In other Desperate Housewives news, the cast got together and bought each of the 300 crew members a turkey for Thanksgiving. The actors make like, what, maybe $250000 an episode when you average it out? I’m sure the crew is sitting there thinking, “Wow, thanks so much for our $17 frozen turkeys.” I’m sure Eva Longoria can sweeten the deal with a copy of her own stuffing recipe or something. That she stole from Todd English.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Eva at the Samsung BlackJack II Launch Party at BESO last night. Images thanks to PR Photos.

When we covered the story of how Jessica Seinfeld kissed Oprah’s ass for making her new cookbook a best seller, I mentioned that commentors on Amazon were saying that the book was not as good as an earlier one that also had recipes to trick your kids to eat vegetables by sneaking them into other foods, The Sneaky Chef. It turns out that not only is the idea for Seinfeld’s book unoriginal, the recipes are suspiciously similar to that Sneaky Chef book, which came out this April.

Seinfeld’s book Deceptively Delicious is the top selling book in the US now, and she might need the proceeds from sales to pay for hefty litigation from Missy Chase Lapine, the author of The Sneaky Chef.

Just listen to how close the earlier book’s recipes are to Seinfeld’s:

But chef and baby-products mogul Missy Chase Lapine came out in April with a book, “The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids’ Favorite Meals.” Lapine baked her spinach brownies with Al Roker on the “Today” show; Seinfeld shared her spinach brownies with Oprah on that show last week.

Mothers on Oprah.com and parenting sites have noted similarities after perusing the puree-spattered pages of both. Some wondered whether the wealthy Seinfeld didn’t have cooks who helped cook up her recipes.

Seinfeld writes about having an epiphany that, “While I was cooking dinner, pureeing butternut squash for the baby and making mac and cheese for the rest of us, I had the crazy idea of stirring a little of the puree into the macaroni. … The colors matched -you couldn’t really see the squash in there -and the texture was perfect.”

Lapine, who founded the Baby Spa natural products line, writes: “If you want to hide something in macaroni and cheese, you have to match the color of the dish. You could easily introduce white bean puree in the mac and cheese.”

Seinfeld and Lapine both have recipes for mashed potatoes with hidden cauliflower, grilled cheese with secret sweet potatoes, green eggs made with pureed baby spinach, and carrot-laced tacos.

Lapine stayed hidden herself when we called, but Craig Herman, an executive at her publisher, Running Press, said ominously: “I won’t be able to comment until next week.”

[From NY Daily News]

I could see if Seinfeld had one or two of the same recipes as the earlier cookbook. You might independently come up with a couple of the same combinations if you’re using that concept, like cauliflower with mashed potatoes or spinach in brownies. But green eggs with pureed baby spinach, carrots in tacos and grilled cheese with sweet potatoes? That’s too unique to be a coincidence.

One commentor on Amazon said she did a taste comparison with her friends and their kids of those recipes Seinfeld ripped off from Lapine’s book, and the original Sneaky Chef won for every recipe that Seinfeld copied for Deceptively Delicious. There was just one draw, for a peanut butter and jelly muffin recipe.

I hope Seinfeld has to give a high percentage of the proceeds of her book to the earlier author. It’s not fair that celebrities and their relatives can go into any field they want and become instant successes on name power and insider connections. (Thanks Commentor Granger for bringing this up on the earlier post.)

The author of The Sneaky Chef, Missy Chase Lapine, is a chef on the faculty of The New School in NY City, and is the former publisher of Eating Well magazine. She also founded a natural baby care product line called Baby Spa. What did Jessica Seinfeld do other than leave her rich husband right after her honeymoon to hook up with an infinitely richer husband? Oh that’s right, she was in marketing at Tommy Hilfiger, and she has kids. That must qualify her to write a cookbook.

Maybe this will make publishers and financial backers think twice before greenlighting projects by celebrities who think that they can go into anything on a whim. Seinfeld probably read The Sneaky Chef and thought “I can do that too, and if I change the recipes a little no one will ever know.”

Update: People Magazine reports that Seinfeld told The Wall St. Journal “I’ve never held that book in my hands, and I swear that on my life.” That’s a curious choice of words, especially considering that the full chapter listing of all recipes is available for The Sneaky Chef online at Amazon.

Gordon Ramsey, famous for using bad language on his restaurant kitchen reality show Hell’s Kitchen, actually has a reason for his potty-mouth today – he’s burned his testicle.

“The other day I was standing to close to the hob when I was cooking. I was wearing cotton trousers and underneath I was going commando. Then suddenly I felt this searing heat - my balls were burning,” Ramsay told The Sun.

Ramsay admitted that he was in “absolute agony” after the accident last week.

AHN

Through pants? You were seared through your pants? Do not share this with my husband or he’ll never go near the stove again, commando or not.

Ramsey’s not the first celebrity chef to burn his bits – the by far more charming and attractive celebrity chef Jamie Oliver burnt his private parts cooking in the nude for his wife Jules on Valentine’s Day. I’m no anatomy expert, but I imagine these kinds of burns put a stopper on other Valentine’s Day plans too!

Jamie later treated his wife to a weekend in Paris to make up for the ruined evening. Gordon Ramsey just swore a lot.

Gordon Ramsey picture from The Wreckoning. Jamie Oliver picture from Ananova.

David Schwimmer has been in the UK on and off for the last year or doing a play and directing a movie. Though he seems very fond of the England, he’s not so big on the food.

“David Schwimmer was disgusted by British food during his recent stay in the country. The former Friends star criticized the nation’s cuisine after spending time in the country for his role in West End production Some Girl(s) in 2005 and directing his latest movie Run, Fat Boy, Run in London earlier this year.

“He says, ‘You guys deep-fry everything. Even healthy British food like Shepherd’s Pie makes you put on 20 pounds after every meal.’’

[From Starpulse]

I know I’m going to get yelled at, but I’m going to have to agree. When I was last in the UK I was traveling around on a student’s budget, so there wasn’t really much of an opportunity for fine dining, so my experience was obviously limited. But I’ve never experienced such consistently heavy, potato-based food in my life. Starches on top of starches. Why would someone want pasta with a side of potatoes? I haven’t eaten a baked potato since. Schwimmer also stated his love of the country - specifically his love of the British ladies.

“David Schwimmer has said that he is more then willing to put his career on hold for love.

“He tells Britain’s Cosmopolitan magazine that ‘I look at someone like Courteney Cox and see how happy she is, but I’ve always put work first and now I have no wife and no family. My mom would love to see me settled, as she thinks it will make my life complete.’

“He said American girls need not apply!

“David said that he is looking for a wife in London. David went on to say that ‘I do like British girls especially their sense of humour.’

[From Product Reviews]

Let’s hope Schwimmer’s not so old-fashioned that he expects his wife to cook for him, or it’ll be a lifetime of blood sausage and jacket potatoes. I can’t imagine any girl being attracted to him for him – he just seems so Ross Gellar. I’d forever be handing him dinosaur bones (I’d have to pick some up first) in an attempt to make him happy.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s David (not exactly trying to distance himself from the Ross Gellar look) at the Annual Drama League Awards Ceremony. Header image of David at the RSVP to Help Benefit for Habitat for Humanity benefit in January. Images thanks to PR Photos.