Paris Hilton has been in London for the past few weeks. I’m sure most Londoners hoped she was just there promoting one of her many product; you know the usual perfume, handbags, large shoes, and cheap hair extensions. But it appears Hilton’s trip may be more sinister than we all thought. She has been hitting the town with an unusual ferocity – even for Paris – and putting down socialite roots… which mean partying a lot and going out to nice dinners.

Paris has startled/upset all of the United Kingdom with her announcement that she is planning on relocating to London permanently. A wave of deep, despondent depression has swept over the entire nation as a result.

Paris Hilton has decided to relocate from her natural Los Angeles habitat to make London her new home.

The hotel heiress may not have been successful in her attempts to attract the attentions of Princes William and Harry on a recent evening out in a swanky Mayfair nightclub, but the 27-year-old’s desire to live in the capital remains undimmed.

Hilton has been renting a £7,500-a-week home in Hampstead while filming a new show for MTV. She told Daily Mail columnist Richard Kay: ‘I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. ‘I have already been here for a month and am much, much happier here.’

The American socialite was among 800 couture-clad friends - made up of royals, aristocrats and society figures - who attended designer Nicky Haslam’s ancestral home in Roehampton for a sumptuous soirée in honour of his friend, art collector Janet de Botton.

And Hilton already has her eye on one particular man.

She said: ‘I love guys with English accents. I have met a really cute English guy, but it’s early days.’

[From the Daily Mail]

I love when the Daily Mail clearly makes up quotes and can’t figure out why the rest of us know it’s hogwash. Very few American’s would say, “It’s early days,” – and certainly not Paris Hilton. That’s a very charming – and very British – phrasing. Paris would have to insert about 12 “likes” and “omg” into a single sentence for it to be believable. And to be totally accurate there should be some mention of her twirling her hair and sucking on the ends of it like a 2-year-old.

On the off chance that quote is utterly fabricated crap, then congrats to London for turning Paris into a semi-decent human being so quickly. She’s all yours.

Here’s Paris Hilton at a store in Notting Hill and posing with a fan and her dog in London today. Images thanks to Bauer-Griffin.

David Schwimmer has been in the UK on and off for the last year or doing a play and directing a movie. Though he seems very fond of the England, he’s not so big on the food.

“David Schwimmer was disgusted by British food during his recent stay in the country. The former Friends star criticized the nation’s cuisine after spending time in the country for his role in West End production Some Girl(s) in 2005 and directing his latest movie Run, Fat Boy, Run in London earlier this year.

“He says, ‘You guys deep-fry everything. Even healthy British food like Shepherd’s Pie makes you put on 20 pounds after every meal.’’

[From Starpulse]

I know I’m going to get yelled at, but I’m going to have to agree. When I was last in the UK I was traveling around on a student’s budget, so there wasn’t really much of an opportunity for fine dining, so my experience was obviously limited. But I’ve never experienced such consistently heavy, potato-based food in my life. Starches on top of starches. Why would someone want pasta with a side of potatoes? I haven’t eaten a baked potato since. Schwimmer also stated his love of the country - specifically his love of the British ladies.

“David Schwimmer has said that he is more then willing to put his career on hold for love.

“He tells Britain’s Cosmopolitan magazine that ‘I look at someone like Courteney Cox and see how happy she is, but I’ve always put work first and now I have no wife and no family. My mom would love to see me settled, as she thinks it will make my life complete.’

“He said American girls need not apply!

“David said that he is looking for a wife in London. David went on to say that ‘I do like British girls especially their sense of humour.’

[From Product Reviews]

Let’s hope Schwimmer’s not so old-fashioned that he expects his wife to cook for him, or it’ll be a lifetime of blood sausage and jacket potatoes. I can’t imagine any girl being attracted to him for him – he just seems so Ross Gellar. I’d forever be handing him dinosaur bones (I’d have to pick some up first) in an attempt to make him happy.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s David (not exactly trying to distance himself from the Ross Gellar look) at the Annual Drama League Awards Ceremony. Header image of David at the RSVP to Help Benefit for Habitat for Humanity benefit in January. Images thanks to PR Photos.