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I swear, Wednesday afternoon there were like three solid Jessica Simpson stories all involving her bodily functions. It’s not even funny – this is how Jessica makes news these days. She farts or barfs or pees or belches or poops. Now, I am not one of those people who finds endless amusement in bathroom humor. Jessica is one of those people. On Wednesday, she tweeted: “This link just made my morning! RT @OMGFacts: The average person farts about 14 TIMES each day! How to fart less?” And then she linked to this. A little factoid page about farting. And this made entertainment news. Just like it made entertainment news when Jessica ripped one in the middle of a business meeting (and her mom yelled at her!). Yes, Jessica is incredibly gassy. And she likes to talk about it.
Onto the next “Jessica Simpson, Bodily Function” story. This one’s sub-headline is “Bodily Function: Barfing”. According to Us Weekly (who are always on high alert for Jessica’s “Breaking: Wind” stories), Jessica spent a week in the Middle East barfing her guts out and complaining about the heat. Oh, it was a U.S.O. trip too! Even when she’s doing something sweet, Calamity Fart-Blossom always finds a way to f-ck it up:
For Jessica Simpson, even a simple visit with troops aboard the USS Harry S. Truman was far from smooth sailing.
“She flew in on a helicopter and had three Red Bulls with no water,” a source tells the new Us Weekly of her Oct. 1 visit to the Persian Gulf. “Then she complained it was too hot out.” (It was 97 degrees that day in nearby Doha, Qatar.)
From there, things got messy. After eating, the singer, 30, attempted to perform. “She only sang one song, then vomited,” says the insider.
Still, a source close to Simpson adds, “She was dehydrated and got sick before she performed — and even got an IV. The doctor told her not to sing, but she did anyway.”
Back in the States on Tuesday, Simpson Tweeted her thoughts on the trip: “Feel so humbled by the sacrifice the troops and their families make to keep us safe. I’m forever changed after this last week. Thank you!”
[From Us Weekly]
My first thought was that she’s pregnant, honestly. It’s a decent explanation for barfing your way through a Middle East trip. Of course, it’s also a solid possibility that Jessica is too stupid to listen to medical advice about hydration in the desert. It’s also a possibility that all of that traveling just made her sick. Or she just had a stomach flu. Whatever.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
Written by Kaiser
Posted in Farts, Jessica Simpson
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She’s just gross… I have come to really dislike her. She seems so childish!
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Good ole Jess seems to be pre-occupied with her gas issues…..it’s probably what drove all her men folk away.
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“Calamity Fart Blossom”…LOL!!!!
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She would get along great with my 3 yr old.
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Jessica is considered just one of the boys. Maybe that’s the problem??
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*yawn*
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i actually feel sorry for all the terrible press she gets
i don’t think she deserves it
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Taking into consideration that she’s so preoccupied with gas, farting, belching,pooping,etc…maybe she has IBS. She has that bloated look.
I think Jamie Lee Curtis should recruit her for an ACTIVIA commercial.
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I kind of feel bad for her too. Apparently she’s too stupid to actually keep her food down.
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I think more than HER finding a way to F*ck it up, the tabs find a way to F*ck it up.
Why isn’t OMGFacts getting the crap for the link by the way? They are the one who wrote the article and tweeted about it, no? People just like to hate on Jessica even if she’s doing something good (ie visiting the troops).
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I suffer from IBS and farting comes when you eat the wrong stuff….
but she is just childish and dumb, this is what her men drove away.
im luckily married although farting sometimes, so its not that….:-)
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Farts is funny, but not when you ask a soldier to “pull my finger”.
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Oh my, could you have found a less flattering picture of her?! It doesn’t take much to trigger her tranny look, does it?
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ew. and she doesn’t brush her teeth. *shudder*
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@clare: I think Jamie Lee Curtis should recruit her for an ACTIVIA commercial.
That is toooooo funny!
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@Diane, lol, could you imagine their little discussion as they sat side by side on the sofa talking irregularity?
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I wonder what happened to her sister and that gay guy she married….
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The Zsa Zsa Gabor Syndrome. “Famous” for being “famous”. What the freak has she ever done except record lame music and humiliate herself?
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Yikes on the closeups.
She always looks like she needs a bath. Not in the crusted way Lohan does – more in a “my name is Myrna and I live in Ft. Lauderdale with my dogs and my memories. I reuse baby wipes to clean myself because running the water is too expensive. I tan every day and am still using makeup I purchased from Neiman back in ’77. That was the year my husband Stu died. I use my dogs’ brush to back-comb my hair and always wear what ever perfume cards fall out of my neighbors magazines. I like the way the fragrance mingles with the baby wipe smell. My favorite place to eat is Applebees.
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LOL Smith. That’s all I will think about now when I see her.
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@jdg: No, kidding.
Admittedly, I’ve never seen the ‘humour’ in bathroom humour, but I don’t flinch at the idea of bodily functions. Still, pound for pound, if placed in a competition with my niece in an ‘Are You Less Continent Than A Three-Year-Old’ competition, I’m telling you, advantage: niece. Go to the doctor, listen to the doctor, drink some frigging water (she’s a singer!) and knock it off.
smith wins.
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She’s so stupid. I don’t feel bad for her, she tweets it and isn’t smart enough to shut up about anything.
A hero’s salute to the doctor who told her not to sing. I don’t care what his reasons were, I just know he told her not to sing.
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You stay Gassy, Jessica Simpleton.
Sad that the only way she gets publicity is by wearing ugly ill-fitting clothing, talking about her bodily functions/gross hygiene habits or yapping about the new ‘love of her life’ but never about her supposed talent (singing).
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Jeez she is a a ribald person. Didn’t her parents ever teach her any manners? She gives Texans a bad name.
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Maybe she was seasick?
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Calamity Fart-Blossom!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Gasps, clutches side.*
Kaiser is on fire today!
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If this is newsworthy – then some people care, which I find even more pathetic.
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yup, whatever. by the end of the day she farts all the way to the bank.
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14 times! Isn’t that too much.Maybe she should go to her doctor.
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LOL at the first pic of her it certainly captures her personality really well. Seriously, why do people listen to her or buy the wares that she’s peddling?
One of life’s seven mysteries…
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OMGFacts is an awesome website! I read it all the time. Wow, didnt think it was THAT famous.
Anyway, yeah… maybe she’s pregnant, or maybe she’s just gassy & seasick, who cares?.
“by the end of the day she farts all the way to the bank. ”
Exactly.
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Smith for the Grand Slam. I’m stunned that there are apparently people that want her autograph. And this is their notion of talent and accomplishment. Mind boggling.
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I would barf if I had to hear her sing.
Maybe her body was just reacting to her incredible lack of talent!
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So we’re going to laugh at celebrities for having real bodies with real intestines? Maybe she does has IBS, like ppl have suggested. Get over it.
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At least she didn’t make the troops line up and look at her terds in the toilet, but I know she wanted to!
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I don’t think anyone has any illusions about bodily functions concerning celebrities, it just seems weird that this one topic comes up again and again; she’s kind of turning herself into a Chaucer story.
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How old is she??
she looks like an older chubby comedian..she looks to be in her early 40′s, I know she is not but she seriously nds to work on her image..
she reminds me of this waitress “Gladys”…Spongebob shape and wrinkled neck..
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@Jo, maybe that’s why I’m not totally disgusted…I [heart] Canterbury Tales.
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She flew across the world to show support for our troops & this isnt first time she has done this. ITS ALOT MORE THAN MOST CELEBS DO!!!! She should be given credit when its deserved.
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I guess all the alcohol binges have finally caught up with her…honestly she looks terrible. I’m just being truthful. She looks swollen.
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she probably thought that red bull is the same as water. after all, they’re both clear white liquids. lol
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hmm…am i crazy for liking that last dress she has on? at least the parts of it that are visible.
also, i remember reading interviews with her when she first came out–she talked about her fart habits then too.
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@Shawna:
I enjoy them, too. Come to think of it, she must have been reading ‘The Miller’s Tale’ before hopping on that helicopter and proeeding without drinking a drop of water. Perhaps in that regard we’re all sisters in squirming.
I’m not introducing her to Rabelais, though. That would lead to terrible adventures in the Bosch mode and I freely admit that I’m not ready to go there.
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@kim
I agree.
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That’s how I wore my eyeshadow in the 1980′s! Is that Tranny look coming back or is she hopefully just an aberration?
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Sometimes she’s sooo cute but sometimes she just so, so…
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You can take the girl out of the Port-a-Potty…LOL!
PWT (Pure White Trash). Skanky ho.
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