I swear, Wednesday afternoon there were like three solid Jessica Simpson stories all involving her bodily functions. It’s not even funny – this is how Jessica makes news these days. She farts or barfs or pees or belches or poops. Now, I am not one of those people who finds endless amusement in bathroom humor. Jessica is one of those people. On Wednesday, she tweeted: “This link just made my morning! RT @OMGFacts: The average person farts about 14 TIMES each day! How to fart less?” And then she linked to this. A little factoid page about farting. And this made entertainment news. Just like it made entertainment news when Jessica ripped one in the middle of a business meeting (and her mom yelled at her!). Yes, Jessica is incredibly gassy. And she likes to talk about it.
Onto the next “Jessica Simpson, Bodily Function” story. This one’s sub-headline is “Bodily Function: Barfing”. According to Us Weekly (who are always on high alert for Jessica’s “Breaking: Wind” stories), Jessica spent a week in the Middle East barfing her guts out and complaining about the heat. Oh, it was a U.S.O. trip too! Even when she’s doing something sweet, Calamity Fart-Blossom always finds a way to f-ck it up:
For Jessica Simpson, even a simple visit with troops aboard the USS Harry S. Truman was far from smooth sailing.
“She flew in on a helicopter and had three Red Bulls with no water,” a source tells the new Us Weekly of her Oct. 1 visit to the Persian Gulf. “Then she complained it was too hot out.” (It was 97 degrees that day in nearby Doha, Qatar.)
From there, things got messy. After eating, the singer, 30, attempted to perform. “She only sang one song, then vomited,” says the insider.
Still, a source close to Simpson adds, “She was dehydrated and got sick before she performed — and even got an IV. The doctor told her not to sing, but she did anyway.”
Back in the States on Tuesday, Simpson Tweeted her thoughts on the trip: “Feel so humbled by the sacrifice the troops and their families make to keep us safe. I’m forever changed after this last week. Thank you!”
[From Us Weekly]
My first thought was that she’s pregnant, honestly. It’s a decent explanation for barfing your way through a Middle East trip. Of course, it’s also a solid possibility that Jessica is too stupid to listen to medical advice about hydration in the desert. It’s also a possibility that all of that traveling just made her sick. Or she just had a stomach flu. Whatever.
Photos courtesy of WENN.