The Daily Mail has penned what absolutely has to be the longest, panicky, overly-generalized write-up of David and Victoria Beckham’s marriage ever. In fact I would guess that it’s the longest article the tabloid has written, period. They’re not exactly known for their thorough research. But apparently when it comes to all things Beckham, the Mail is really, really freaking out. They seem downright panicky that their marriage is headed down the toilet as David is scheduled to spend 2 months next year playing for Italian football team AC Milan. Victoria is going to stay in L.A. with their sons so as not to interrupt their schooling. However the mail is scared to death that’s just a cover for their faltering marriage.

Beckham is moving to Milan on loan from his club, LA Galaxy, after England coach Fabio Capello said he could not be considered for the World Cup qualifiers unless he was playing club football in Europe at the time. He will spend between two and four months there, starting in January. Victoria apparently won’t entertain the thought of a second stint as a footballer’s wife in Europe following Beckham’s spell at Real Madrid, during which he had his alleged affair with Rebecca Loos. She will, then, make him do some travelling to match her own if he wants to see her.

One source close to the family told me that they plan to see each other weekly if possible, but probably fortnightly. Victoria doesn’t want to be in Milan, has no affection for the city and is distinctly underwhelmed by the prospect of setting up home in the enormous apartment which AC Milan are offering to their new signing.

The official line is that neither she nor David wants to disrupt the children’s schooling – Brooklyn is nine and Romeo is six, and both are well settled at a fairly pushy school which frowns on giving children time off in term time. Cruz is three.

Apparently they did consider moving over to the UK, and hiring a tutor to home school Brooklyn and Romeo for a term, but have in the end decided that the children will stay in their £11million Italianate LA mansion with its enormous but well-oiled security machine.

It’s a bad time of year for David to be away, as both Brooklyn and Cruz have birthdays during that period, and of course Valentine’s Day also falls over this time, which is apparently a ‘very big deal’ for Victoria.

[From the Daily Mail]

The article waffles back and forth between a “Posh is selfish and doesn’t want to give up her celebrity L.A. lifestyle,” and “Posh and David are really breaking up!” Or some version thereof. They give all these random, unrelated, seemingly contradictory and pointless anecdotes about how they’re having trouble. Like how David hangs out with his L.A. man buddies too much, like Kanye West. They go out drinking and ladies hang off them. Posh went with them once and was horrified by the aggressive, bawdy atmosphere.

Then they talk about how David is vain and worried about his failing looks and makes Posh rub her expensive anti-aging creams into his crow’s feet while he takes a bath. Oh and there’s the part about how they don’t spend much time together. But apparently this bath thing is their “special time.”

Though there have obviously been rumors of infidelity in the past, I think if Posh doesn’t have a problem being separated from David for 2-3 months their relationship is probably fine and she’s secure in it. We can gossip all we want, but only the two people in a relationship know what’s really going on. They’re the best judges of what they should do. Though the Daily Mail makes a great relationship over analyzer, this time I think they’re really off the ball and everything will be fine.

Here’s Victoria and David filming for Posh’s dVb clothing line dVb at Wrotham Park in Hertfordshire on October 18. Images thanks to Bauer-Griffin.

Victoria Beckham hasn’t exactly done much to promote her upscale jeans line dVb. In fact she seems to be one of those celebs who thought she could just slap her name on someone else’s work and take home a pile of cash. That must not be working out for her because Posh has been on a whirlwind tour (for her) of Europe in an attempt to promote the high priced jeans.

The [Beckham] boys striking appearance coincided with yet another new look from their mother Victoria, as she went from gamine to masculine in a sharply tailored waistcoat look.

But with the ties hanging down at the back, it looked as if she may have borrowed her sons bootlaces to keep it in place.

Here’s David at the GO3 launch at Wembley Stadium today in London. Images thanks to Bauer-Griffin. Posh is shown in Madrid today (wearing a vest) and in Dusseldorf yesterday (wearing a blazer without a top). Images thanks to WENN.

The wannabe style icon found her shirt, after appearing to have forgotten it yesterday while promoting her dVb range in Germany, and added the waistcoat, which tied at the back.

But the tight-fitting black and white ensemble had the unfortunate effect of making her resemble a restaurant waiter. Posh was leaving her hotel in Madrid she completes a whistlestop tour to promote her clothing range.

Yesterday, the former Spice Girl arrived for the launch of her new A/W dVb 08 denim collection at Jades boutique in Dusseldorf wearing a satin-fitted, collarless tuxedo jacket with a matching waistcoat and a black tie… but no shirt.

[From the Daily Mail]

That’ll get ‘em talking. Nothing makes people want to buy expensive bottoms like wearing nothing on top. Posh sure does know how to work the press, I’ll give her that. Victoria has done a few appearances here and there for her $250 and up jeans, but the line was still dropped from Kitson and other important boutiques. It seems like perhaps she’s working a little harder to help the brand get some attention in Europe.

Making sure to keep it classy in the Beckham household, husband David spent today promoting GO3 frozen fish sticks in London. They’re omega-3-fortified. And HE they look yummy. And good for you. The fish sticks I mean.

Here’s David at the GO3 launch at Wembley Stadium today in London. Images thanks to Bauer-Griffin. Posh is shown in Madrid today (wearing a vest) and in Dusseldorf yesterday (wearing a blazer without a top). Images thanks to WENN.

The Beckhams won’t sue the woman who claimed she had an affair with David because it’s “not nice.” WTF? I don’t want to go into wasp-y stereotypes or anything, but that’s your reason? Is it nice to claim you slept with someone’s husband? Not so much. I can’t explain why, but I never really bought Loos claims. She’s so obviously opportunistic – and releasing a song about it? Girl you’re not a singer, you’re a “personal assistant.” That means you fetch bottled water and dry cleaning. Posh says she and David won’t sue Loos because she doesn’t want to upset her family life – and frankly that makes a hell of a lot of sense. I’m way to vindictive to let something like that go, but if Posh can really move on, more power to her.

‘I trust my husband 100 per cent,’ says Posh. The Spice Girl, 33, had to deal with Rebecca Loos’ claims that she had an affair with Becks in 2004 but decided not to take legal action.

The Beckhams denounced Rebecca’s allegations as ‘ludicrous’ and ‘absurd’ but that didn’t stop the former PA from making a career out of her notoriety.

Victoria decided to just ignore her. ‘We have children and I wasn’t going to go to court and drag up my personal life,’ she tells Vogue.

‘We have a very nice positive energy around us as a family and if it’s not positive and nice, I don’t want to know about it.’

[From Now magazine]

Talk about rising above someone’s cheap behavior. No matter what the rest of us think, it’s impossible to know what actually happened between David and Rebecca – but what we can know for certain is that whether David cheated or not, Rebecca didn’t need to blab it to the entire world. That was just a cheap attempt at fame. And unfortunately she’s gotten a little bit of it and has released a truly horrendous song. You can listen here but you do so at your own peril. And there’s a 63% chance that your ears will revolt against you and actually jump off your head. But whatever. Good for Posh, either for being secure enough in her relationship not to feel she has to prove anything, or at least looking out for the well-being of her kids by not subjecting the family to more needless speculation.

Here’s skankatron Rebecca Loos in 2006.

David and Victoria Beckham’s son Brooklyn turned nine yesterday, and celebrated in grand style. His dad was away with his soccer team the L.A. Galaxy, but Posh Spice managed to do a pretty good job wrangling 25 kids and their parents. The whole event sounded fun but not ridiculously over the top, a la Dannielynn Birkhead’s rediculously lavish first birthday that even featured a giant hot air balloon shaped like a birthday cake. Brooklyn’s birthday took place at the Century City mall and started with dinner at Pink Taco. Though there were certainly some celebrities in attendance, the whole thing sounds pretty normal – at least for something put together by Posh.

David and Victoria Beckham’s oldest son celebrated his big day Tuesday at Century City Mall’s Pink Taco restaurant with his mom, brothers and 25 friends – not to mention Heidi Klum and Eva Longoria Parker. And apparently little brother Cruz, 3 (who attended the party in a Batman costume), isn’t the only Beckham with an interest in break dancing. After catching a movie at the mall, Brooklyn and his pals were entertained by a team of dancers busting hip-hop moves.

As his crew – including brothers Cruz and Romeo, 5 – gathered around, Brooklyn blew out the candles on a Cold Stone Creamery ice-cream cake (decorated to match the break-dancing theme), while his mom snapped photos on her digital camera.

[From People]

What, no 25 foot tall inflatable break dancer? Are celebs even ALLOWED to do that? With the exception of the team of dancers, everything else sounds like a pretty normal birthday party. I would think in Posh-land, it was downright sedate. People notes that Heidi Klum’s 3-year-old daughter Leni pooped out first around 8 p.m. and the entire event wrapped up by 8:30. Though dad David Beckham couldn’t be there for the big event, Us Weekly noted that some fans rolled out a “Happy Birthday Brooklyn” banner at the Galaxy’s game in Shanghi. Not a bad way to turn nine.

Note by Celebitchy: Little Cruz Beckham, three, wore a Batman costume to the festivities.

Victoria and David Beckham seem to have one of those rare celebrity marriage that appears to be pretty stable. Though the two have weathered a few storms (accusations have occasionally popped up regarding David’s possible cheating on Victoria) all and all they seem to be pretty solid. This could be because they have a lot in common – an intense passion for shopping and acquiring “stuff,” sticking their names on various perfumes, buying houses, and being seen at trendy events. I didn’t say it was a deep relationship. But it seems to work pretty well for them. The Mirror and The Daily Mail are reporting that their relationship is stronger than ever, and the pair secretly renewed their wedding vows.

David and Victoria Beckham have secretly retaken their marriage vows – and got matching tattoos to celebrate the romantic occasion. Only a handful of friends and family were invited to watch them remarry in the grounds of Beckingham Palace. One said: “We were in tears. It was beautiful and very non-showbiz.” The couple marked the big day by tattooing the ceremony date on their wrists in Roman numerals.

Romantic David Beckham arranged his secret second wedding to Victoria without even telling her – springing the surprise on the big day itself. He flew her to their sumptuous Beckingham Palace estate then went on one knee to pop the question for a second time. Stunned Posh gasped: “Yes!” – and the couple were soon retaking their vows attended by sons Brooklyn and Romeo as page boys and watched by a handful of close friends and family.

He organised the ceremony and secretly invited a handful of close friends and family. He even had a beautiful white dress made in Posh’s size. A friend said: “David was meticulously planning the big day for months. It was a huge undertaking to keep it all under wraps. He was desperately excited but had had to keep quiet with everyone but his and Victoria’s closest family.

[From The Mirror]

The Mirror reports that they took a second honeymoon together in Paris, and David took Victoria shopping at her two favorite stores, Azzedine Alaia and Colette. He told her to pick out whatever she wanted as a second-wedding gift. While that’s really sweet, I think what’s more special is all the work and thought David put into it. A guy planning a whole quasi-wedding ceremony on his own? And managing to keep it a secret from his wife? That’s a pretty big deal, and it sounds like Beckham put a lot of care and thought into trying to make it as special as possible.

A lot of people think it’s tacky to renew vows, since a couple already had a wedding and all. Frankly I think that – considering how many marriages end in divorce or fall into a state of unhappiness – there’s much worse things than celebrating your successful union, and loving your spouse so much that you want to do it all over again. It sounds like this was a very thoughtful tribute to their relationship and the life they’ve created together.

Several websites are abuzz with the news the David and Victoria Beckham may be planning on adopting a little girl, possibly from Sierra Leone. David recently went there on a charity mission for UNICEF. The Beckhams have reportedly been actively involved in several charitable organizations for several years, however they have chosen not to publicize their involvement until more recently. According to Grazia magazine, David’s trip to Africa affected him deeply, and the couple are now considering adding to their family.

David spent four days in Sierra Leone in his role as a Goodwill Ambassador for United Nations’ children’s charity UNICEF two weeks ago. During his trip, David witnessed a birth and gave immunization drops to a newborn baby.

Upon his return to his adopted home of LA, the footballer said: “I was close to tears. I had to step back and take a deep breath. I’m a very emotional person and I’m even more emotional now I’m a parent. But what stopped me crying was knowing that what these kids are going through is far worse than my feelings.”

[From the Daily Mail]

Though everyone makes fun of Posh for (presumably) being a little vapid, whenever I’ve seen David interviewed he’s come off as very sweet and affable. I don’t find it hard to believe that he really does care about the UNICEF project and was moved by the kids he visited. Whether or not the couple actually want to adopt as a result of that is more difficult to ascertain.

Beckham, according to Grazia, has told friends they are seriously considering adopting following his trip and has sought advice from celebrity pal Tom Cruise, who adopted son Connor and daughter Isabella with ex-wife Nicole Kidman.

The publication quoted a friend as saying: “Adoption is something David has been talking about for some time. If there is one subject that can move him to tears, it’s the thought of being unloved, uncared for and with no hope or future. It was only when David started planning his trip to Sierra Leone that they began talking about adoption again. It’s clear they both think adoption is great. Tom has talked to David about how adoption changed him and how he’s been able to change the lives of two amazing children.”

[From the Daily Mail]

Victoria has long said that she’d like a daughter to add to the family, and has even mentioned that she’s saving all of her gazillion handbags to hand down one day. I’ve always been a fan of the traditional heirloom jewelry, but I suppose heirloom purses are better than nothing. And God knows Victoria’s got plenty of them. She has also said that having a little girl would complete their family. Though the couple was rumored to be interested in adopting a few years ago, nothing came of it. Perhaps it was something they were interested in and never followed through, and now they’re ready to revisit it again.

Picture Note by JayBird: Pictures from David’s trip to Sierra Leone. Header of Beckham with five-year-old Senyo, who finds it difficult to walk because her muscles have been weakened by malnutrition.

I haven’t been able to get a decent night’s sleep in at least a week. I have no idea what’s changed, but suddenly I’m awake for hours in the middle of the night. Last Wednesday, I was having weird dreams about Avril Lavigne trying to make soup out of me. Last night, it was about the New Kids on the Block reunion. Somehow they’d turned it into a reality show, and I was the judge, but there were weird sexual overtones and an oddly big microphone. And I have a feeling that tonight’s nightmare will most likely feature incredibly scary images of Victoria Beckham, naked, having sex, and in some way impaling me with her pointy scissor legs. Why? Because I’ve just learned that the image of Posh’s husband, David Beckham, is being used to promote a brand of Chinese condoms. They’re not actually endorsed by Beckham – in fact it appears many of the Chinese people are rather mortified, as they really like the soccer star and don’t want to offend him. But just putting his face on the box has made it the number one selling condom in China. Something tells me they didn’t use one of the “seductive” photos that also features Posh.

A Chinese firm is using soccer star David Beckham’s name to promote its brand of condoms – without his permission. The firm is claiming men who use the Beckham contraceptive – which has become the best-selling in China – will score in bed like the L.A. Galaxy star does on the pitch.

But fans in the country are calling for a ban on the condoms – because they don’t want to offend the British sportsman.

A fan explains, “We do not want Beckham to think the Chinese people are disrespecting him. We love him here.” A spokesman for Beckham says, “It’s not an official brand.”

[From PR-Insider]

Does using Beckham’s condom mean you have to think about Posh when you’re having sex? I’m pretty sure that would kill nearly any intimate moment. I’m not sure it’s the smartest long-term move by that condom company – I would think that’d knock your sales down by at least thirty percent. Can you imagine the injuries that implants that hard and pointy could cause? Jokes about poking an eye out aside – you really could end up with some sort of spleen puncture or something. Considering the Beckham’s “business savvy” (i.e. ability to make a lot of unnecessary cash from sticking their pictures and names on random products) I’m pretty sure we’ll end up with “Intimately Beckham” condoms here by the end of the week. In other Posh/David news, “Intimately Beckham” was on sale for 15% of its original price at my local Target yesterday.

Picture note by Celebitchy: David and Victoria Beckham are shown in a spread in W Magazine that came out last summer, and in an ad for their perfume.

Forbes has just released a list of the most powerful celebrity babies, based on media exposure of the last year. Which is a shame, as I was hoping it was based on super powers. Unfortunately, being the child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt only gives you the beauty gene, not the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Hollywood’s Most Influential Babies

1. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
2. Suri Cruise
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Sean Preston Federline
5. Pax Jolie-Pitt
6. Sam Alexis Woods
7. David Banda Ritchie
8. Dannielynn Birkhead
9(tie). Romeo Beckham
9(tie). Cruz Beckham

Forbes

While Shiloh might have topped the list for media exposure, I’m guessing that in reality Suri is more influential. She’s got the whole cult of Scientology behind her! Head of photo agency World Entertainment News Network Jill Stempel also suggests that Suri is responsible for resuscitating Tom Cruise’s career post-couch jumping, making him more human.

Of course, in twenty years I fully expect these babies to be dating each other and getting arrested in awkward circumstances. As the Hollywood Brat Pack of 2027 I’m sure they’ll all continue to command a big media presence, but I’m not sure whether any of them will be independently successful as someone more famous than their parents. Particularly if Britney drops poor little Sean Preston on his head again. Then again, some people might have suggested that Angelina Jolie wouldn’t ever be more successful than her father John Voight, and she seems to be doing okay for herself.

Victoria Beckham says she’s actually a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. From all the reruns of “Will & Grace” I’ve seen lately, I’m under the stereotypical impression that that’s every gay man’s fantasy. Trapped in an ultra-thin fashionista’s body? Married to David Beckham? Okay to be fair there’s a chance it’s half my fantasy too. Speaking of stereotypes, it appears that Victoria’s impression of gay men follows all the classics… though despite my joking, I’m not sure how accurate it is.

Victoria Beckham has said she is a gay man trying to escape from a woman’s body and that she sleeps in the nude. In the new issue of Elle magazine, Posh said: ‘I’m so camp! I’m such a gay man trying to get out. I don’t give a [bleep] what anybody thinks!’

She also spoke of her sleeping habits with husband David Beckham. ‘I sleep naked,’ she revealed. ‘I’m going to be naked if I’m getting in bed with him every night.’

The 33-year-old, who is back on tour with The Spice Girls, put the boot into the wannabes trying to steal her celeb queen crown. ‘There are so many – and I hate the word celebrities – clothing lines and fragrances, and most of them have nothing to do with it.

[From Metro UK]

Victoria sure does seem the type to just throw caution to the wind. Boy they’re really trying to push the whole, “Posh Spice has lots of personality/is loads of fun/is totally a ham!” angle lately. Bad PR flashback anyone? I’m sorry, I’m not buying it. I’ve seen Posh smile twice in photos in the last ten years, and both times it’s because David Beckham made his peck muscles dance. The only way I can guarantee that she’s like a gay man is that she wants to sleep naked next to David. Although that also makes her like a straight woman. Frankly, it probably makes her like 99% of the reasonable population. I don’t want to meet the person who wouldn’t sleep naked next to David Beckham if given the chance.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Victoria with Dita Von Teese at Paris Fashion Week on October 5th. Clearly she’s camp and doesn’t give a f%$# what anybody thinks. Photos thanks to PR Photos.

Victoria and David Beckham spoke to London’s Mirror while promoting their new fragrance line in Italy. Victoria was quite upfront in the interview and I have a lot more respect for her after reading it. She seems like a person who struggles with her self esteem, but it sounds like she’s finding her place in the world and is getting stronger every day.

Victoria said she wants a girl, but that now isn’t a good time:

She said her big butt in the perfume ads wasn’t altered that much and that she was just bending over funny:

Victoria admits she wasn’t a great singer, but now that she’s designing her own jeans and putting out a makeup line, she feels confident in her line of work:

And Victoria feels a bit inferior to her gorgeous husband, international football star Becks:

Victoria could gain a few pounds to up her sexy factor, but people do see her as sexy.

While she hasn’t met Suri yet, Victoria said she speaks to Tom Cruise on the phone often and said that he’s not strange like people say, and is “just a genuinely lovely caring person.” She called Katie Holmes “one of the most down-to-earth celebrities I’ve ever met,” and said she’s really good for Tom.

She revealed that David was upset at being dropped by England’s national team, and that he wears his heart on his sleeve. She asked if he wasn’t “one of the top 23 footballers in the country.”

David spoke of his pride in his boys’ interest and skill at football at such a young age. When asked about his favorite smells, a reference to their new perfume line, he said:

That’s so sweet! These two may preen a lot, but there’s something vulnerable and endearing about them.

Here are Victoria and David outside of the launch of their perfume line. Victoria’s skirt is see-through at the top, and you can see her panties in some of the shots. Of her outfit she said “I look like one of those dolls that sit on top of your toilet roll.” She does look like a doll, but that’s not a bad thing. [via]