Yesterday, after I wrote the story about Jessica Simpson’s engagement, I had a chuckle when someone commented that NOW we would be able to forget about Jessica, and that we should be able to stop doing stories about her. It still makes me laugh, honestly. Because that budget, fugly ring is only the beginning. From here on out, there is going to be a ton of new interviews with Jessica and Eric, there will probably be some sort of reality show being pitched, or at the very least, a “special” two-hour “Making of… Jessica’s Wedding!” docu-drama on one of the major networks. We’re going to have Jessica stories coming out the wazoo (Jessica’s wazoo farts smell like cheddar and tragedy).

Already today we’ve heard about Joe Simpson’s sad congratulations to his daughter, and the rumor that he is going to force Jess into getting a pre-nup from Eric. Beyond all of the wedding stuff, though, we still have this story: Jessica announced her engagement nine days after her ex-husband. Us Weekly already has a poll up about who has the better ring, Jessica or Vanessa (hint: Vanessa). And that will only be the beginning of the “Race to the Altar” between the two exes. So it is an obvious question: was Jessica trying, in her f-cking stupid, dipsh-t way, to one-up and c-ckblock her ex‘s thunder? Why get engaged so soon after Nick? Well, People has a little story about why now:

It is the ultimate race to the altar! Nearly five years after Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey split – a mutual decision after three years of marriage – both stars are officially ready for round two.

Just a week after Lachey, 37, popped the question to longtime girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo, 30, whom he began dating in 2006, Simpson’s beau, NFL player Eric Johnson, seemingly took a hint.

Johnson, 31, proposed to Simpson, 30, and now she has the ring to prove it.

Timing aside, however, a source tells PEOPLE that Johnson “had been planning the engagement for awhile and the date of the engagement was a special date for them.”

[From People]

Meanwhile, Todd at IDLYITW had a tip from a source close to the situation, who said: “A coworker of mine is related to Eric Whathisface, current Jessica Simpson squeeze. He’s from the Philadelphia area, so am I, so is my coworker, blah blah blah She told us yesterday that Jessica and he got engaged. The engagement was on 11/11 at 11:11 in the morning. I sh-t you not.” I want to believe that’s true, just because it’s so f-cking asinine. THAT is the “special date” that a source close to Eric was speaking of? Just a bunch of ones lined up in a row. Is that how far both of them can count? And if it was on the 11th, that would make it last Thursday – exactly one week after Nick announced his engagement.

UPDATE: Us Weekly just put up another story! I told this sh-t isn’t going away anytime soon. Nick Lachey has spoken, and he’s still keeping it classy: “I will say the same thing I always say: I wish her the very best.” He also says that he and Vanessa Minnillo are “still basking in the glow… [we] are enjoying that. I’m sure we’ll get on the other planning shortly. We are now just enjoying this experience.” It sounds like Nick is smart enough to know that he doesn’t have to cut Jessica down, and that he knows Jessica already looks crazy pathetic.

Well this is just shocking! Wait… no, that’s not the word. What word means “the opposite of shocking, and Jessica Simpson is being WAY too obvious in her attempt to steal the thunder of her ex-husband Nick Lachey, thus proving that she is, in fact, actually bothered by his recent engagement.” Is there a word for that? Something like “farty” or “Obvious McTragedy”. Anyway, Us Weekly has some sources who claim that Jessica and Eric Johnston are now engaged. So I’ll give Jessica some credit – it’s not like she’s confirming anything (her Twitter is quiet, as is People Magazine), this is just a random unnamed-source report from Us Weekly. Although… Us Weekly does get a lot of scoops about Jess. And Jessica has already made it pretty clear that she’s expecting a ring.

Jessica Simpson is off the market!

Sources confirm to UsMagazine.com that the singer, 30, became engaged to beau Eric Johnson on Thursday, just days after Us broke the news that her ex-husband, Nick Lachey, popped the question to Vanessa Minnillo, his love of nearly five years. Simpson and Lachey, 37, split in 2005, after three years of marriage.

On Saturday, Simpson flashed a sizable ring on her left hand during an appearance at Dillard’s at Oak Park Mall in Kansas City.

The Texas native began dating the former NFL player in May while he was estranged from his first wife, stylist Keri Johnson; their divorce was finalized five months later.

Though Ashlee Simpson-Wentz recently told Us that her sister “is happy, so we’re all really happy,” sources insist that most of Simpson’s friends are concerned about Johnson’s motives for dating the singer.

“Eric was never that successful in the NFL, but he’s always wanted the celebrity lifestyle,” a source told Us in October. “Her friends do not trust him.”

[From Us Weekly]

I don’t really trust Eric either, although I do think he probably cares for Jess, and they do seem to make each other happy. At the end of the day, I don’t really know how a dude of normal intelligence puts up with Jessica for any extended period of time, but maybe the sex just completely makes up for everything. As far as the engagement rumor/report – eh. I think they probably will get engaged, but I’m not sure if it’s happening right now. Of course, the whole process could have sped up because of Nick’s announcement.

UPDATE: In Touch Weekly just confirmed the news with Jessica’s rep:

Just a week after her ex-husband Nick Lachey announced his engagement to longtime girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo, Jessica Simpson also has big news- she and her boyfriend of seven months, Eric Johnson, will also be walking down the aisle, a rep for the singer confirms to In Touch. “They are thrilled!” Jessica’s spokesperson says, adding that the couple became engaged late last week. This will be the second wedding for Jessica, who split from Nick in 2005 after three years of marriage.

So it’s on. Poor Farty McObvious. God, Jess. I mean… congratulations, but girl, keep your eye on your bank account. Hide yo’ checkbook!

Photos courtesy of Fame & Bauer-Griffin.

Before I get to some actual quotes from Jessica Simpson (who is still attending the Women’s Conference in California), I just have to share this hilarious piece of gossip from Us Weekly/Jezebel’s Tabloid Round-Up. Last week, Jessica and her boyfriend Eric were eating in a restaurant when Nick Lachey and Vanessa walked in. There was some reporting about the Dramz That Never Was, but this is the best version of events ever:

Jessica Simpson went to dinner in L.A. with her boyfriend Eric Johnson, and while they were dining, her ex-husband Nick Lachey walked in to the restaurant with his ladyfriend Vanessa Minnillo. Jessica quipped to a waiter: “I hope Vanessa likes her clothes, because I bought them for her, since Nick took all my money.”

Jessica proceeded to down margaritas and do shots of tequila.

[From Us Weekly via Jezebel]

Day-um. I would love it if Jessica Simpson was really like this. Some trash-talking, hard-drinkin’ Southern girl who still holds a grudge towards her ex-husband – over money. Alas, I don’t think she’s that girl. But I do believe she was drinking. Jess likes to get wasted.

On to the real quotes…Jessica began gushing again about Eric and how their love is pure and how he makes her feel like a natural woman (preach it, Aretha), blah blah. Typical Jess:

For Jessica Simpson, falling for former NFL football tight end Eric Johnson sometimes feels too good to be true.

“I’ve never really been in such a healthy relationship. I’m like, ‘Something’s going to go wrong. Is he going to trip me or something?’” the star said during a panel discussion at Maria Shriver’s Women’s Conference in Long Beach, Calif., on Tuesday.

“I’m waiting for something bad to happen,” she said, “but then I have realized that I actually do deserve an understanding relationship.”

Simpson, 30, who calls her beau of six months “a hottie”, said Johnson “has been an inspiration. He really knows himself.”

The same can be said of Simpson: More than four years since her divorce from Nick Lachey in 2006, the singer/actress/entrepreneur has not only found love, but also a new level of hard-fought confidence. Who helped Simpson find her footing after the split? Her little sister Ashlee Simpson-Wentz.

“My sister and I, through my divorce, became so much closer than we’d ever been growing up,” Simpson said during the panel discussion, billed as It’s Time to Learn How to Build Self-Esteem and Leadership in Young Women and hosted by Dove. “She would always give me music to listen to to get me through.”

The sisters often cranked up the Sister Act soundtrack and Lauryn Hill’s “His Eyes on a Sparrow” as well as Patty Griffin’s “Let Him Fly”, she said. “‘Fly’ is about that moment where you learn to fly and live on your own and that’s what I was doing through my divorce, learning to live on my own.”

While Simpson cherishes being an aunt to Ashlee’s son, Bronx, she said, “I always thought I would have children before her since I was married before her.”

But Simpson has taken away life lessons from her hard times. “Another thing that can strip you of your self-esteem is a divorce and you have to start back over at the beginning and find out who you are all over again,” she said.

These days, an enlightened Simpson is excited about what her future might hold.

“I was on a little bit of a detour but I finally went back on the path that I was supposed to be on,” she said, “and I grew from that experience and it made me a better lover, and hopefully a better wife one day and an incredible mother someday.”

Eric Johnson, take note.

[From People]

Jessica Simpson, ladies and gentlemen. Queen of the Overshare, the TMI, The Obvious Hint-Dropping. “Oh, I want to get MARRIED and I have a BOYFRIEND and he understands ME and makes me feel WORTHY. Look at my RING! Oh, no it’s not THAT.” I can’t wait for Jessica’s People Magazine cover where she’s hugging her legs and the cover line will be “Why I Believe In Love” or some such nonsense. I like Jess for the most part and everything, but the girl needs to get a new act.

F-ck me, I love Aretha.

These are some new photos of Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson out and about last night. Okay, I know I’ve been calling Eric a loser, and maybe he is, but I do like that he’s affectionate with Jess and I also kind of like that he’s not scared by her public declarations of love. Jess has had a string of boyfriends who didn’t even want to be seen in public with her, so Eric must be a nice change, and for that, I’m happy for her.

Meanwhile, Eric’s divorce was recently finalized, and so there have been lots of rumors going around that Jessica and Eric are already engaged, or about to be engaged. Gossip Cop shot that down:

“Jess’ guy is buying a ring!” exclaims a headline in the latest In Touch Weekly.

The tab claims that Eric Johnson, who has just finalized his divorce from his first wife, is “getting ready to pop the question” to Jessica Simpson.

According to a so-called friend of Johnson, the former NFL player has “started shopping for an engagement ring, since he’s going to propose over Christmas – if he can wait that long.”

The friend adds Simpson and Johnson have begun premarital counseling at a local Christian church, and are “meeting with their minister as the next step.”

So, is the pop singer ready to settle down again? Not quite.

A source close to Simpson tells Gossip Cop that the couple is very happy, but “there is no counseling going on,” and “they are not rushing into anything.”

[From Gossip Cop]

Well… I’ll buy that they aren’t engaged… for now. But I think it will happen. I think Eric is “the one” – meaning he isn’t embarrassed to be seen with her, he seems fine with her being the one who works, and he doesn’t have enough of a personality to really be bothered by Jessica’s intellectual limitations. The One! I see a Christmas engagement.

Photos courtesy of Fame & Bauer-Griffin.

Do you know how stupid Joe Simpson is? So stupid. Ridiculously stupid. Even dumber than Jessica. So, Jessica somehow managed to get herself a PBS special for Christmas. They filmed the special a few days ago, and I guess the idea was to have Jessica singing and talking about Jesus and how much she supported the troops. In and of itself, totally harmless and rather nice. But Papa Joe had to f-ck it up. Jessica was supposed to sing with a singing troop composed of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans, but the veterans were sent away by Papa Joe – because he deemed them too “scruffy.” Stupid stupid stupid.

The team behind Jessica Simpson has been accused of snubbing a group of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans after their combat fatigues were deemed too scruffy to join her on stage for a glamorous TV special. The 4Troops, a singing group of combat veterans, were told their camouflage gear was not fancy enough to sing with Simpson on her PBS Christmas special filmed at the Roseland Ballroom on Thursday.

A source told Page Six, “Jessica’s dad, Joe Simpson, effectively kicked them off the show because he didn’t like what they were wearing. They were in camo pants and blazers, the same outfits they wore to sing for Gen. David Petraeus on the USS Intrepid. They were told they couldn’t perform unless they were wearing tuxedos.”

“They waited for six hours until midnight only to be told their number with Jessica had been cut from the show,” the source said. “The irony was Jessica was on stage saying how much she supports and admires the troops, and the veterans were stuck in a room in the basement. Instead of enduring more humiliation, the veterans left.”

4Troops consists of former Sgt. Daniel Jens, who was deployed in Iraq in 2007; former Capt. Meredith Melcher, who also served in Iraq; Staff Sgt. Ron Henry, who retired from the Army after a 20-year career; and former Sgt. David Clemo, who did tours in Afghanistan and Iraq.

A spokeswoman for 4Troops said, “Joe should be ashamed of himself.” Jens said, “I am so disappointed and angry, I threw up when I got back to my room.”

Simpson’s rep said: “The song was cut due to time. Jessica wasn’t even aware. She is wholeheartedly devoted to the troops. She just returned from the Persian Gulf where she performed for and met with service men and women stationed at several different locations. The military was the source of inspiration for her entire Christmas album, so much so that she recorded a duet for the album with a USS Harry Truman sailor.”

[From Page Six]

That’s just horrible. And as much as I’d like to blame Jess for it, it sounds like she was truly out of loop, and that it was Joe’s decision. Although, I will blame Jess for keeping her dad as her manager, despite his history of f-cking awful business decisions on her behalf. He’s a terrible manager, and after the first few f-ckups, you would think Jessica would have fired him and gotten a real manager who would be smart enough to let her sing with veterans, no matter what they looked like.

In additional Jessica news, she gave another loved-up interview to People Magazine, all about how Eric Johnson is her forever dong or whatever:

Jessica Simpson is one busy soul: In the past month, she’s traveled to the Middle East to meet troops, while on Thursday night she performed songs from her upcoming Christmas album for a PBS special to air Thanksgiving. There to support her? Her dad Joe, sister Ashlee, nephew Bronx – and her boyfriend of several months, Eric Johnson.

“He went and got a sweater and a bowtie to try to lift my spirits because I’ve been working extremely hard,” Simpson, 30, told PEOPLE after the show. “I laughed my butt off!”

She added, “As far as Eric and I go, we’re just best friends. He’s my dude! I love him.”

The couple began dating in May, and ever since have been spotted getting cozy across the U.S. and overseas – even celebrating her birthday together in Italy. If the relationship seems like it’s getting serious, that’s because it is. Simpson tells PEOPLE that they’re planning to spend Thanksgiving together.

“We’re all gonna be in New York,” she says. “I’m gonna be on a [Macy's parade] float. It’s not always the best way to spend a Thanksgiving, but it’s a great way to celebrate. So, maybe I’ll just have all families on the float.”

For now, Simpson says she and her man are simply enjoying spending time together.

“Tomorrow we’re having a long day off,” she says. “He loves art. So, we go to art galleries, and he loves photography. It’s cool.”

“This [relationship] is just normal, thank God,” she continues. “He’s very, very supportive. [I] couldn’t ask for a better man in my life right now.”

Which, of course, begs the big question: Is Johnson the one?

“I never go to that because I already went there, so, I’m not gonna jinx my own self,” she says. “He’s the one for me right now! I’m very happy, I’m in a great place and if right now could last forever, I’d take it.”

[From People]

Oh, Jessica. Seriously, DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY TIME? Girl, we know you believe in love. We know your little pea brain gets hypnotized by the dick. We know because it happens every single time you’re getting laid. Just take it down a notch. Just a little.

Photos of Eric and Jessica, courtesy of Jess’s Twit-pics.

They both wear their high heels with their skinny jeans. And both Jessica Simpson and Tom Cruise need to stop doing that sh-t. They look like they’re trying way too hard. Tom needs to stop pairing his lifts/heels with skinny jeans because the tapered leg draws attention to the fact that he’s wearing three-to-four inch heels. Jessica needs to stop because this style is crazy unflattering, especially since she’s being photographed at the airport, where everyone can see what she looks like in skinny jeans and NO heels – bad. Anyway, these are photos of Jessica and her boyfriend at LAX yesterday. Yes, they’re still together, despite rumors to the contrary. As LaineyGossip says, “He’s not going anywhere. Why work, or study, or try when Jessica Simpson is offering to provide?”

Beyond the unfortunate pairing of skinny jeans and Louboutins (right? I can see the red sole), what else do Tom and Jessica have in common? They both let their partners shop on their dime. They both like beefy football players? That’s all I’ve got.

I honestly don’t know how Jessica even gets into these jeans. And I don’t know why she would want to. Only girls like Sienna Miller can pull off this look, and even then, just barely.

Photos courtesy of Bauer-Griffin.

For the past I don’t even know how many months (three?), we’ve been hearing about Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend, Eric Johnson, and what a loser he is. He’s a reitred NFL player who was supposed to go to Wharton Business School but ended up dropping out so he could spend more time with Jessica and her boobs and her money. We’ve heard many, many stories about how Jessica is paying for everything in the relationship (including her own jewelry, which Eric then “gives” her), and how Jessica – in her own words – feels “lucky” to be with a jobless business school dropout. Lately, however, her friends have really started going to the press (as unnamed sources) to bitch about Eric. This happened last week with Us Weekly’s hilarious bitchfest about Jessica and her gay BFF Ken Paves breaking up – Camp Paves leaked lots of funny quotes. Now Us Weekly has another hit piece:

Is Jessica Simpson’s flame dating her for fame? Eric Johnson, 31, “was never that successful in the NFL, but he’s always wanted the celebrity lifestyle,” a source tells Hot Stuff. “I believe that Jessica is his way to get famous. He’s using her.”

And it’s working out well for him, adds the insider: “She pays for most things. He doesn’t have the kind of money for first-class plane tickets or private jets.”

Some of her pals suspect the athlete – who is divorcing his wife of five years, stylist Keri Johnson – is in it for the perks.

“Eric doesn’t have a job, he just follows her around,” adds a second insider. “Her friends do not trust him.”

Still, a Simpson source counters that Johnson “has his own money from real estate properties,” and his lawyer, Richard Stilz, tells Us Weekly, “This has nothing to do with greed or fame. He cares a lot for Jessica and doesn’t care a hoot about her money.”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

Granted, I’ve never heard Eric speak, but he strikes me as kind of a dumb guy. Do I think that about every guy who dates Jessica? Sure. I just don’t see how you could possibly have continued conversations with her. But if you’re her boyfriend and you get to have sex with her, it’s probably more interesting. So – is Eric a dumb guy who just fell in love with equally dumb Jessica, or is Eric some kind of brilliant slacker who is simply happy to be supported by the woman who adores him? Eh.

This is the photo of Eric Johnson that Jessica Simpson just tweeted with this message: “I have a major crush on you.” YIKES. Jessica has gone back to her old stalking mode, like she did with John Mayer and Tony Romo. Isn’t it weird when girls do that? Especially when it’s like they’re stalking the dude they’re actually dating. I had a friend like that – she treated her boyfriend like he was her complete obsession. Talked about him constantly, knew his every move, wouldn’t ever let the poor guy be alone. It’s sketchy… and it’s also very young, right? Like, that’s the kind of move you make when you’re 16 years old, not 30. But we’re talking about Jessica, and God knows what kind of age range she is intellectually (five?).

This tweet – which will be used in a court of law at some later date, after Jessica manages to smother Eric in his sleep with her Ding-Dong scented breasts – is just one of several inappropriate tweets Jessica has sent lately. She seems to love the fact that she’s dating a dude who isn’t ashamed to be seen with her, at all. Which makes me think less of Eric, honestly. Jessica has already tweeted a photo of them making out disinterestedly (hilarious) and referring to Eric as her “Yalie”. And just a few weeks ago, she tweeted another photo of the two of them, with Jessica starring lovingly at Eric’s nostrils. That time, she wrote that she felt “lucky” to be with him – a jobless dropout.

But with all of this gushing, I’m starting to think Eric must be awesome in bed, right? At least Jess is getting laid, finally.

On Saturday, Jessica Simpson tweeted the above image with the message, “I met a wonderful man. Damn I’m lucky!” Now… I wasn’t even going to talk about this story, because I’m back to feeling sorry for Jessica. For a while, she was really pissing me off and aggravating me with her powerful stupidity, but now I’m back to my default Jessica emotion, pity. Plus, the consensus from other sites is basically: “Jessica is a f-cking idiot, and this guy is no prize.” The guy in question is this Eric Johnson dude – the one she’s been with most of the summer, the dude who dropped out of Wharton Business School to be with Jessica’s boobs. The dude that most people think is using Jessica.

Now, I’m open to the possibility that it’s true love. That she and Eric Johnson are very happy, and that Jessica isn’t bothered by the fact that she’s financially supporting Eric, and that he doesn’t seem to do ANYTHING beyond f-ck her and tell her those jeans don’t make her look fat. And maybe that’s all she wants out of a relationship. God knows, it’s not like she brings some wit or intelligence to the table. She brings her boobs and her money to the table, and that’s about it. Too harsh? She seems like she would be very easy to talk to. Because it’s like talking to a brick wall. A really dumb brick wall with a huge rack.

Header: Courtesy of J. Simpson’s Twitter.

Yesterday, Jessica Simpson posted the above photo on her Twitter page with the tweet, “Romance 101..getting kissed by my Yalie…me not lookin’ so smart…:) but YUM!” Yes, that’s her “Yalie” Eric Johnson. Otherwise known as Jessica’s new (PR) boyfriend. Also known as the dude who dropped out of the Wharton program just so he could stay in LA with Jessica’s Sexual Napalm, and the dude Jessica is probably already financially supporting. I didn’t realize he was a Yale graduate, but there it is:

Jessica Simpson isn’t afraid to show the world her love for new beau Eric Johnson. She posted a shot of her smooching her latest squeeze (a Yale graduate) on her Twitter page.

“Romance 101..getting kissed by my Yalie…me not lookin’ so smart…:)” she wrote. “but YUM!”

The new Us Weekly reports Johnson, 30, has pulled out of the two-year business program at the University of Pennsylvania’s prestigious Wharton school to remain in L.A. with the 30-year-old singer.

Even though they’ve only been together eight weeks, a source tells Us: “He doesn’t want to move to Philadelphia and leave her so soon after they got together.”

[From Us Weekly]

I should know by now that even though someone graduates from a good school, doesn’t mean that they actually learned anything, or that they’re actually intelligent. So, with that in mind, what’s the verdict on Jessica and her “Yalie”? Are the Wiffenpoofs going to gang up on Eric and kick his ass? Is this all some horrible Skull & Bones plot involving massive boobs and Papa Joe? What does it all mean?!?