There are a few fleeting moments in (relatively distant) history when I’ve actually found John Mayer physically attractive, and I’ve felt incredibly guilty as a result. Thankfully — I’ve just now realized (from the above photo) that these brief instances of weakness only occur when John is looking vaguely Jack White-ish, which makes me feel a bit better about the whole situation. After all, Jack is a very decent fellow (or rather, a fine bloke) who takes great pleasure into turning women into rock goddesses, so I think the fact that I’ve been occasionally intrigued by douchebag John (again, only for a few seconds) can easily be explained away as such. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

By and large, these last few years without John sticking his face into paparazzi cams has been a blessedly peaceful run. It couldn’t last forever though, for now John is making the rounds to promote his new album, Shadow Days, which is the record that features a song about his breakup with Jennifer Aniston. So naturally, John’s trying to dance around those disastrous interviews wherein he rambled on about his white supremacist d-ck and Jessica Simpson-associated sexual exploits. Will it work? Well he’s claiming that he doesn’t even remember the Playboy interview and calls it “a very strange time.” Here’s a preview of his interview on today’s “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” with video below as well:

It’s no accident that John Mayer has been avoiding the press for the past two years. Following two explosive interviews with Playboy and Rolling Stone in 2010, where he likened his chemistry with Jessica Simpson to “sexual napalm” and blamed his split with Jennifer Aniston on his frequent tweeting, Mayer felt the need to escape.

“It was a very strange time and it sort of rocketed me into adulthood. It was a violent crash into being an adult,” Mayer, 34, said on The Ellen DeGeneres Show Tuesday. “For a couple of years it was just figuring it all out, and I’m glad I actually stayed out of the spotlight. Because I think back then I would of said, ‘Give me two weeks or let me get out and do Ellen and let me explain myself.’ It was like, ‘No, idiot. Go away and be 33 and 34 instead of 28 for the fourth year.’”

Mayer said he “had to go home for a minute” to heal from the backlash in 2010. “The plan that originally gets you out of high school and your hometown, in front of people, that plan was over. I had done it. I just sort of lost my head for a little while.”

The “Shadow Days” singer — whose new album, Born and Raised, will be released May 22 — was forced to cancel his 21-city tour in March in order to remove a granuloma just above his vocal cord. (He first had surgery to remove the enlarged nodule in October 2011.)

“It’s not a health concern whatsoever, but it has taken me out of singing,” Mayer told host Ellen DeGeneres, 54. ‘I tried to beat it the first time and couldn’t.”

Mayer then explained how the medical procedure works. “They cut this thing out of your throat and then they inject your vocal cords with Botox, which freezes your vocal cords so that this thing can heal without smacking up against the other side,” he said. “I just need more Botox next time.”

[From Us Weekly]

Aside from John’s botched vocal chord surgery (which really is a terrible thing for any singer to face), I don’t really get John’s explanation for his past behavior. At least he’s not still trying to blame his management because he couldn’t keep his verbal diarrhea from spilling out at every opportunity. But it really feels like he’s trying to explain his past douchebaggery away as just trying to be a 28-year-old dude for several years, and that makes no sense. Plenty of 28-year-old guys hold down real jobs, maintain families, and still don’t cave to the unyielding pressure of needing to say stupid sh-t and act like immature idiots. So basically John is still the same douchebag that he’s always been, and nothing (even slight humility) will ever change that. John didn’t say those terrible racist things because he was experiencing growing pains — that’s just how he really is as a person. He’s only sorry that we didn’t find his shtick to be charming.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

The tabloids, as always, are full of Jennifer Aniston gossip this week. It’s always interesting to see whether or not the tabloid editors have the “hive mind” thing going on – meaning, it’s more interesting when Star and In Touch and Us Weekly are all talking about Aniston’s broken heart at the same time. It makes it more believable. This week’s Aniston stories don’t all follow the same theme, but two of them – OK! Magazine and Star Magazine – are claiming that Jennifer and Justin Theroux are having problems. For what it’s worth. Star says JustJen are “at the breaking point” because Justin is “starting to realize he made a mistake” by leaving Heidi Bivens. Also, Justin hates LA and he misses being in NYC. OK! Magazine mentions that JustJen are having issues too, but they only say it in the context of “Jennifer Aniston might want to get back John Mayer because he wrote a douchey song about her”!!! What’s that, Team Aniston? Are you ready for another round of Mayer Douche?

As her relationship with Justin Theroux cools – due in large part, sources say, to his continued contact with his ex Heidi Bivens – Jennifer Aniston is back in touch with her former lover John Mayer! And pals are speculating that the two may be close to rekindling their rock ‘n’ roll romance.

The pair split three years ago, but John let it be known his new single, “Shadow Days” is about his love for Jen.

“He has never really gotten over her,” discloses a friend. “When Jen heard he’d written a song about their breakup, she immediately downloaded it and listened – and the tears were rolling down her face. Jen has a lot of wonderful memories from her days with John, and they all came flooding back.”

Still emotional from hearing the ballad, Jen texted John to tell him “the words in the song are so beautiful” the insider says. And he texted back!

Now, says Jen’s friend, “She is desperate to see John again. She realizes a piece of her heart still belongs to him. They’re sending each other a lot of flirty texts and it’s obvious John still has very deep feelings for her.”

[From OK! Magazine, print edition]

I don’t know how I would feel if Aniston and Mayer went one more round. My first reaction would be to laugh and laugh. But really… it would be sad. And I don’t think it will happen. Either Jennifer is going to be with Justin for a while, or they’ll break up and Jennifer will just find someone new. I can often think the worst of Aniston, but I don’t think she’s clueless enough to get back with John Mayer. RIGHT?!?

Oh, and last story: Life & Style has another “Jennifer is going to have a baby” cover. The story apparently involves an intricate timeline noting that Aniston has dropped out of a few events, she hasn’t been drinking alcohol, and she’s been “shielding her body” whenever she goes out. And she hasn’t had her roots touched up in a while. Eh.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Back in 2010, John Mayer did “The Playboy Interview” and he spoke “off the cuff” at length about himself (his favorite topic), race, love, his ex-girlfriends, “hood passes” and whether or not he’s gay. It’s totally worth it to go back and read just some of the selected excerpts from that controversial interview which changed his career forever, by the way. The Playboy interview was the beginning of the end for John Mayer – he limped along for the rest of the year, but over the course of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, he’s been pretty quiet. People really wanted him to go away after he offended everybody in the Playboy piece, and once he disappeared, he stayed gone long enough for people to miss him.

Anyway, Mayer has a new album coming out called Born and Raised. Apparently there’s a song called “Shadow Days” about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. Back in the 2010 interview, he spoke about their relationship too, saying:

“It’s been a deep relationship, and it’s no longer taking place at all. Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?… I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32. Parts of me aren’t 32. My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.”

[Playboy via previous Celebitchy post]

I took that as Mayer saying he dumped Jennifer (for the second time – the first time was when he dumped her and gave an impromptu press conference about it in the summer of 2008) because she was too old and stuffy for him – he wanted to be “32” and not be settled into a routine with the dogs. So what is Mayer saying/singing about Aniston now?

John Mayer is finally ready to let go of Jennifer Aniston — in song. Although they split nearly three years ago, the 34-year-old singer (whose exes also include Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt) penned his single “Shadow Days” (from the album Born and Raised) with Aniston, 43, in mind.

“Shadow Days is about Jen,” a source tells Us Weekly. “It really took him a long time to get over her. He really loved her a lot.”

Sings Mayer in the song: “”You find yourself alone. . . I found myself in pieces/ On my hotel floor/Hard times help me see/I’m a good man with a good heart/Had a tough time, got a rough start/And I finally learned to let it go.”

Explains the source: “He wrote the song as a farewell letter knowing [Jen] would hear it. Ultimately he’s done a lot of self reflection though and it he realizes they weren’t right for each other.”

The rocker and the Horrible Bosses actress first got together in April 2008 and, after multiple breakups, called it quits for good in late 2009. Aniston has been happily ensconced with Justin Theroux for over a year now.

“[John and Jen] weren’t right for each other, but he is really a good guy.”

After high-profile flameouts both Simpson, 31, and then Aniston, Mayer is done dating celebs, the source adds. “He’s looking for a nice, non famous girl he can relate to. . . He loved [Jen and Jessica] both but it really affected him emotionally and it wasn’t worth it.”

[From Us Weekly]

Yes, it took Mayer so long to get over Aniston… except that he was quietly hittin’ it with Taylor Swift for months and months around the time that he was so devastated because of Aniston?

Oh, “Shadow Days” has a video too! It seems like the song is about looking back on a breakup and being happy with how your life turned out post-split?

Photos courtesy of WENN and Fame/Flynet.

Mayer and Aniston at the 2009 VF Oscar Party

You know that Jennifer Aniston’s rep is feeding stories to US Weekly. So that makes this story making fun of her ex John Mayer’s weight gain all the more delicious. It’s funny, and it’s bitchy and I picture Aniston drinking a cocktail and chatting on the phone with Huvane, telling him that Mayer texted her and getting lots of help spinning this story into Mayer as a sad sack loser, pitiful with regret at losing Aniston. I doubt this is the case at all, but he was a real ass to her in the press and turnabout is fair play. This isn’t the first we’ve heard of this. The Enquirer ran a similar story about a month ago on Mayer trying to with Aniston back. Here’s the story from US Weekly:

A source says the singer, who put the final kibosh on his one-year romance with Aniston in March 2009, still pines for her. “She was the one who got away,” says the friend. “He’s definitely not thrilled to see Jen in so many photos with a new guy – especially one who is a cooler version of him.” Now spending his time gorging on pizza bites, Hot Pickets and Smucker’s Uncrustables while writing new tunes in his home in L.A.’s Pacific Palisades, Mayer, 33, is ahem, heavy with regrets. “He’s just eating microwave food and getting chunky,” the pal adds of Mayer, who had notoriously held an impromptu street press conference to discuss an initial split with Aniston in 2008. “Seeing Jen happy now isn’t easy. He cared about her more than any of his other girlfriends.”

[From US Magazine, print edition, August 29, 2011]

That’s awesome, right? They get so specific about the junk food that Mayer prefers that it’s like a commercial. “You too can drown your depression at being an oversharing douche by popping some Uncrustables in the microwave! It’s like a little PB&J pie of happiness.”

How do they even know which microwave crap Mayer is eating? He’s no longer on Twitter and doesn’t blog anymore. Is he texting the details to Aniston? “I miss u so much. Just 8 hole box of uncrustables lol!”

Mayer was looking heavier earlier this year, but he lost a lot of weight recently. Even when he was “chubby” as this article claims, he wasn’t bad looking. He kind of looked like when Johnny Depp was heavy, except with none of Johnny’s redeeming qualities.

Here is is on April 30th:

And more recently August 4th. He’s lost weight and he wasn’t bad before either.

Photo credit: WENN.com

Isn’t this what douchebags always do? They can’t commit but tell you what a wonderful person you are and how they’ll miss you. Then once you’re well over them and happy in another relationship, (or happy on your own and finally realizing how much better off you are, take your pick) they come crawling back asking for another chance. It’s lame, it’s manipulative and it’s predictable. Anyway John Mayer is supposedly doing this to Jennifer Aniston. This is in the National Enquirer, but they’ve run a few exclusives before about Aniston’s lovelife (or they made them up, but they rang true) and I believe it. Here’s the story.

Jennifer Aniston is happily dating [Justin Theroux] but being barraged with text messages from [John Mayer] say sources.

“Jennifer is totally involved with Justin, and wants absolutely nothing to do with John,” revealed a friend.

“John broke Jen’s heart, but that doesn’t seem to faze him.

“He’s been relentless in his pursuit of Jennifer lately – texting her witty messages, sending love poems and calling to ask her out. But it’s been two years since they were together and Jen sees it as far too little too late.

“She feels she’s found a better, more responsible and reliable man.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, July 25, 2011]

I guess you can’t blame Mayer for trying, since Aniston took him back even after he blabbed to the paparazzi about how he broke up with her. It’s worth noting that Mayer gained some weight, not that there’s anything wrong with that since he’s an attractive guy either way before he opens his mouth. He’s not cutting his hair or shaving though and just looks like fresh hell lately. Meanwhile Aniston is frozen in time and remains very bangable, by most guys’ estimations. Like we may mock her for not switching it up much but she’s got a good formula going. Now she has a hot man by her side and can’t be bothered by Mayer. I hope she told him to f#ck off but you know that’s not her style. She probably just blinked a lot, called him back (since I doubt she texts) and engaged in small talk before she let him down easy, making some excuse that she was busy.

I have to give Mayer some credit for laying low lately. He hasn’t tweeted or blogged in months (from my quick look-over) and is just going about his business. Maybe he’s matured behind the scenes. We’ll see when he inevitably comes back. I give him four months, but seriously props to him for going this long.

Aniston and Theroux are shown on 7/7/11. Header image from 2/22/09. Credit: WENN.com. Mayer is shown on 7/13/11. Credit: Matt Smith, PacificCoastNews.com

Last week, Perez Hilton reported that Renee Zellweger and John Mayer had been “quietly going on dates in LA and New York.” The claim – which may have begun in the tabloid The Globe – was that Renee and John weren’t really officially dating or anything, but that Renee was “looking for a good time with a hot guy.” Shortly after Perez’s story broke, Gossip Cop got a denial from Renee’s rep… although that doesn’t mean much. Renee’s rep rarely if ever confirms any personal information about who she’s with.

Anyway, I remember reading some stuff about it last week and then I kind of forgot it. And then I read this item in Page Six this morning:

Ladies’ man John Mayer had a double date in Brooklyn over the weekend. The singer hit Pub One’s newly opened garden in DUMBO Sunday night with an unidentified woman and another couple. The foursome enjoyed beers, margaritas and burgers, according to a spy, and stayed for a leisurely meal. Mayer came complete with a Brooklyn look, “dressed casually in a plaid parka,” we’re told. Reports have said he’s discreetly dating Renée Zellweger but the relationship isn’t serious.

[From Page Six]

As far as I know, John Mayer hasn’t had a big celebrity girlfriend since he and Taylor Swift were braiding each other’s hair and rolling in a pile of stuffed animals and glitter (after which Mayer probably talked about his dong in the third person). He was rumored to be perhaps hittin’ it with one of those random 90210 chicks (Jessica something, I think), but those reports died off too.

So is it possible that Renee has jumped on Mayer’s David Duke dong? Much like with Bradley Cooper, I feel like if Renee is dating ‘em, chances are that they’re gay. I know that’s horrible and probably all kinds of wrong, but she always seems to find the ones that ping my gaydar. Add to that the issue of Mayer’s history with Jennifer Aniston… Renee got Bradley Cooper after Aniston too. It’s all starting to look kind of fishy. If it’s on, I have to say: Renee, you could find a much better closet-case. For real.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Kate Winslet isn’t really my favorite person in the world, but I’ve been able to maintain some goodwill for her. I think she’s a talented actress, I think she’s smart and interesting, and I genuinely enjoy that her weight fluctuates through the years, like many (non-celebrity) women. What I don’t enjoy so much? I don’t like that she seems to be lying about the cosmetic work she’s done to her face. And I didn’t really care for her whirlwind post-divorce romance with that vague-looking male model. The whole thing seemed beneath her and like she was aiming at “revenge” on her ex, Sam Mendes, but a girl’s gotta have her fun, I guess.

But I draw the line at his. This will make me hate Kate. Star Magazine reports that Winslet has had some “secret” hookups with… JOHN MAYER. He’s a predator, you know, and he loves to get a girl right after she’s had some kind of major breakup. Emotional vulnerability is his aphrodisiac.

Kate Winslet is trying her best to keep her steamy new hookup under wraps. But the newly single Oscar winner, 35, has been secretly spending time with notorious ladies’ man John Mayer, 33, Star has learned!

“A few weeks ago, John was at a party in Manhattan when he ran into Kate. He really put the moves on her, and Kate eventually responded,” says an insider. “She’s just having fun – and she’s begging him not to blab.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Now, do I believe this? Ugh. I want to think that Winslet would never. She would never go there, right? RIGHT? She’s too smart for this, isn’t she? Why it might be happening though: Winslet has been coming across as… kind of vulnerable and kind of desperate. Also: lately, the tabloids have putting Mayer with every semi-available woman, like Sandra Bullock and Miley Cyrus. I don’t believe most of those alleged hookups… which doesn’t mean I’m giving Mayer any credit. At all. I think he just prefers to screw groupies and not even try for the celebrity women at this point.

To her credit – Winslet’s rep denied (to Gossip Cop) that Kate and John were happening, and even denied that they had ever met. Publicists and representatives lie all the time, of course, but I’d like to believe Winslet’s rep this time. Because the thought of John Mayer getting Winslet to talk to his David Duke dong in the third person, or the thought of Mayer boning Winslet while his music plays… Jesus. My biscuits just closed up shop.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This story in In Touch cracked me the hell up. Supposedly Johnny Depp-morphing (read: gaining weight and growing scraggly facial hair without the style and substance to carry it off) John Mayer somehow propositioned Sandra Bullock through mutual friends or something. The details are scant and this story could be completely fabricated, but it made me laugh and you know Mayer would be down with Sandy if she’d have him. Sandra of course supposedly told Mayer she was flattered but would rather spend the night with her vibrator from 1999 even when the batteries are dead.

John Mayer thinks he’s the perfect man to cheer up the Oscar winner.

“John is trying hard to get fixed up with Sandra,” a mutual friend tells In Touch. And according to a pal, in typical John fashion, he’s got an ulterior motive. Following a string of high-profile romances that all ended badly, the singer is eager to repair his reputation, and he thinks that dating America’s Sweetheart will improve his “love them and leave them” image, says the pal. “John likes dating famous women, it’s a turn on for him,” explains the pal. “And who’s more famous than Sandra Bullock? He knows Sandra’s probably not going to date him, but he did offer to enter a friends-with-benefits situation.”

For her part, Sandra is amused by the attention. “She was flattered and had a good laugh when she found out about it, but she turned John down because she’s looking for a relationship and not just a booty call,” says the friend. “Sandra’s looking for someone to grow old with and she doesn’t think John’s the type who will ever settle down.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, February 28, 2011]

How does this jibe with the report that John and Miley Cyrus were getting touchy-feely at the Grammys? (Sidenote: John called Miley a “child” in late 2009. I just found that story.) We know that John’s only type is “white” (sorry to be so blunt about that, but he said it) and that he goes for older as well as inappropriately younger women. So these reports aren’t mutually exclusive. Mayer could be sliming his pseudo intellectual douche all over Miley Cyrus while putting his feelers out for Sandra Bullock. Sandra’s been around the block, though. She knows what Mayer is about.

This got me thinking about Sandra Bullock’s love life. I hope she’s getting laid well and often and that she’s got a secret lover somewhere. She doesn’t have to settle for some rebound sex with Ryan Reynolds whenever it’s convenient for him.

Photo credit: WENN.com

I have a story that will make you a little bit sick to your stomach. Note: Last night I had a serious case of cramps plus some really bad Chinese food, and I was sick for hours. But I really think it’s this story that made me pukey. According to Star Magazine (via Jezebel), Miley Cyrus and John Mayer might have something going on. They were at some of the same events over “Grammy weekend” and there was some flirting, some touching, some twanging, some douching, and some kissing going on. Oh, here comes the nausea.

Star – Miley Cyrus and John Mayer are “Made For Each Other.”

Apparently they were getting all touchy-feely over Grammys weekend, and she was following him around all night at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party.

“She followed John around all night like a puppy dog,” says an eyewitness. “She put her arm around his waist, and even grabbed his behind,” and Mayer “reciprocated.”

“Things got even hotter between them the following evening at the Grammys,” says the source.

Backstage at the Grammys, Miley was rubbing John’s back, and when he thought no one was looking, he leaned over and kissed her.

“It was quick and intense and a bit shocking, but it also seemed sweet,” an eyewitness claims.

“Afterward, Miley slapped his butt and told him, ‘You rock!’”

Miley has told friends that she believes she can make John a one-woman man, and thinks they are great together because she’s as wild as he is.

[From Star via Jezebel]

Take a moment and let the dry heaves subside. Now, tell me this: it makes sense, right? John Mayer is the King of Douche Predators. And after his dalliance with Taylor Swift, we know he’s down with sketchy jailbait little girls. If this Mayer/Miley thing is happening… well, I think Mayer might have met his match. It will be epic. However, I should note: Gossip Cop has an unnamed source, a “friend” of Miley who claims that this whole thing is “not true” and that they “only said ‘hello’ in passing.” In any case, you know this will make The Mullet cry.

Header: John Mayer and Miley Cyrus are shown on 2/12/11, plus additional pics. Credit: WENN.com

One of my favorite moments in any losing political campaign is when a candidate takes a good, hard look at his declining poll numbers and decides that what he or she really needs is completely new staff. The message it sends is always twofold: first, it says that the candidate is throwing his staff under the bus, blaming THEM and not himself or herself for his lack of popular support. Secondly, it shows just how the candidate is a crappy manager. Anyway, this story about John Mayer reminded me of some of the great losing political campaigns. According to Us Weekly, Mayer is in the market for new management. Because his current management is the reason we think he’s such a douche.

Seems John Mayer now regrets his bad-boy reputation. A source who recently spent time with Mayer tells Us Weekly that John got berated on the street one night for being a serial heartbreaker.

“Girls came up and yelled at him, saying he was a horrible person,” says a source of Mayer, who once held an impromtu press conference with paparazzi to discuss his split with Jennifer Aniston.

Continues the source, “Girls asked how he could treat women the way he did.”

Now John says he is looking for “a new team to manage his image,” adds the insider. “He wants to change people’s perspective on him.”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

Mayer can get all of the new management he wants, but people are going to hate him until he finds a way to conquer his urge to say crap like “That’s why black people love me…. Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n—er pass.” And: “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f-ckin’ David Duke c-ck. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” And: “Here’s what I really want to do at 32: f-ck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the sh-t!’” Something tells me new management isn’t going to save that junk.

Photos courtesy of WENN.