This is Kelly Bensimon on the cover of Shape Magazine’s September issue. I’m pointing out the ID, because in real life, Kelly Bensimon looks nothing like this. In candid photos, she resembles Iggy Pop, in every possible way. They didn’t just Photoshop the ever-loving f–k out of her face and her stomach (her real stomach looks like THIS), but they also ‘Shopped her bolt-ons. I think that’s what upsets me the most. Kelly’s ‘Shopped Iggy Pop body is understandable, up to a point, but to magically give her natural-looking breasts? Wrong. Also, they gave her a defined waist! The real Kelly is thick-waisted, and mannish. If they’re going to do so much to her, why not just bite the bullet and put a Barbie doll on the cover? Anyway, the interview is just like you would imagine it to be – Kelly is one of the craziest bitches going:

Kelly defends her erratic behavior on RHONY (specifically addressing her St. John’s meltdown) saying: “People called me crazy, but what they saw was me reacting – in an honest way – to a situation that wasn’t honest. Then everyone ganged up on me. So of course I looked crazy.”

The fight with Bethenny Frankel: “People really thought I believed I was better than her, which is ridiculous. It wasn’t about social hierarchy but about her behavior. She called me a bad name, which I thought was fourth grade – like – hence the ‘down here‘ comment. Since then, I‘ve also called people bad named on the show. I‘m not proud of it, but it happens.”

She’s not on drugs: “Everyone always asks me why I wasn’t on the cocaine and vodka diet when I was a model. I was going to college and couldn’t be bombed out of my mind. My body is like a Ferrari. I know what it needs to run well and that doesn’t include drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes.”

She’s smart: “I find it hilarious when someone says I’m not smart. I’ve written three books, including American Style, a review of U.S. fashion, which is a textbook in some schools.”

[From Shape Magazine, print edition]

Bitch is cray-cray. There really is no doubt in my mind. I wonder if we should just designate Kelly some kind of “Britney Spears status” – like we can’t make fun of her anymore because she has a genuine mental illness? But unlike Britney, Kelly honestly doesn’t think she has a problem. Kelly thinks she’s fine. Nay, Kelly thinks she’s the brains of this whole operation. That just made me chortle.

Photos courtesy of Fame, Shape.

I haven’t been following RHONY, but my mom tells me that it’s a total disaster and that on the ladies’ trip to Morocco, they were the very definition of “ugly Americans.” Apparently, on the trip, our favorite bat-crap crazy housewife, Kelly Bensimon, met with a psychic. Because her delusions needed more ammunition, I guess. This quote is wonderful: “The psychic in French tells me I think too much, and that I am going to get married and I am going to have a baby.” That’s a wonderful quote, isn’t it? Only a French-speaking psychic in Morocco would accuse Kelly’s crazy ass of “thinking too much.”

Kelly Bensimon went to Morocco on what she calls the “trip of a lifetime,” but she could just as easily call it a life-changing trip.

During a birthday party there, the Real Housewives of New York City star met with a psychic – and got a pretty major prediction on the episode which aired last week.

“The psychic in French tells me I think too much, and that I am going to get married and I am going to have a baby,” Bensimon, who has two daughters, Sea Louis, 12, and Thaddeus Ann, 10, told In the Mixx at Hamptons Magazine’s Memorial Day Party at the Southampton Social Inn. “This year I’m not going to have a baby but I’m going to be pregnant and I’m going to get married.”

According to Kelly, her sit-down with the fortuneteller at the party wasn’t just another parlor game. “I’m on it. I’m like, ‘Okay, I’m doing my work. I have to start,’ ” she said. “Yes, I want to get married and have a baby.”

Bensimon finds hope in other women who’ve made their dreams come true. “Just the other day we hear that Kim Kardashian is engaged,” Kelly said. “She is so unbelievable and I have so much respect for her. And to be honest with you I’m not that jealous of many people – I’m just not a jealous person – but the fact that she’s so happy and engaged and found true love [with NBA star Kris Humphries], I’m jealous. I am.”

“It’s amazing,” Kelly continued. I’m just so happy for her … She’s wanted it, and that’s just so exciting for her.”

[From People]

CB wants me to point out that Kelly is 43 years old (a very rough looking 43, I might add), like Kelly’s age is the biggest determining factor as to whether or not she’ll get married and pregnant this year. Isn’t her Crazy a bigger factor? I mean, seriously? Granted, there are some men who like their women crazy, leathery and kind of “dude looks like a lady.” Like Alex Rodriguez. But even if Kelly is a certain guy’s type, I still don’t see any dude looking at Kelly’s crazy ass and thinking “’til death do us part”.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Yesterday, we had new photos of Kelly Bensimon in yet another skimpy bikini in Miami. This has become Kelly’s thing – she vacations in Miami, poses for the paparazzi on the beach, and generally grosses everyone out with her truly odd body. When I wrote about Kelly yesterday though, I noted that she was looking a little bit better. She’d gained some weight, her stomach didn’t look so… Iggy Pop-esque. She looked healthier. But still, many of you asked why Kelly felt the need to strut her stuff in a bikini when her body seemed made for a one-piece. Well, here you go. These are photos from an event for Spiegel in Miami last night. This is how Kelly walked the red carpet – in this one-piece!

She really does look so much better, doesn’t she? Even though the one-piece isn’t really flattering (look at her bikini line), it’s much, much, MUCH better than a bikini.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

For whatever reason, Kelly Bensimon consistently gets pap’d whenever she’s on vacation in Miami. I’d like to think she’s not calling up the paparazzi to take photos of her while she’s wearing a bikini, but the bitch is crazy, so I wouldn’t put pap’ing herself out of the question. Anyway, last year many of us we horrified when we saw several sets of Kelly-wearing-a-bikini photos. Her body… was not good. And I wasn’t even really a question of her being too heavy or too thin – her body just seemed really, really strange. Even though she wasn’t “emaciated” there was just weirdness going on with the flesh and bones. She didn’t look like a woman who takes care of herself, at all – which she probably doesn’t.

So these are new photos of Kelly in Miami this weekend. Having just glanced through the old photos, I have to say… she looks better. She’s put on a little weight, and she has better muscle tone, and basically she doesn’t look like a drunk transvestite with an eating disorder, frolicking in the beach. Maybe she finally got some medication that works for her or something. Well done, Kelly.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Remember how Cameron Diaz spent her Thanksgiving holiday riding the A-Rod train? Ugh. I felt the bile rising in my throat even as I typed that. I so cannot imagine doing anything on or around Alex Rodriguez’s dong. He just seems so… gross. Disgusting. Shiver-inducing. Anyway, while Cameron is doing nonsensical photo calls in Europe for The Green Hornet, A-Rod is still in Miami, partying his ass off. And guess who he’s riding now? Yes, Real Housewife Kelly “My Eyes Look Like This Because I’m Batsh-t Crazy Now Give Me Your Yummy BRAINS” Bensimon. These are photos of Kelly tanning her Stephen Tyler/Iggy Pop self in the Miami sun.

Alex Rodriguez was spotted flirting with “Real Housewives of New York” star Kelly Bensimon at Wall in Miami the other night.

At the Art Basel party hosted by Vito Schnabel, Alex Dellal and Stavros Niarchos, “He had his arm ’round Kelly and they were flirting,” a witness told us.

The next day the two were seen browsing art at the Convention Center.

A different source said, “While Alex was recently seen with Cameron Diaz again, they’re not back together. He is single.”

Reps for A-Rod and Bensimon didn’t get back to us.

[From Page Six]

Lainey thinks that Cameron Diaz is going to go all Fatal Attraction on A-Rod when she gets back, but I don’t know. I think it’s more likely that Camy and A-Rod are just a casual hookup, and that they are both technically “single”. But can you imagine being in some kind of casual sexual relationship with an ex and he starts up some sexual relationship with Kelly Bensimon? I would be devastated.

Photos courtesy of Bauer-Griffin.

Kelly Bensimon went out jogging yesterday, and I found two things interesting about the photos: one, Kelly’s body doesn’t look crazy, and she actually looks healthy and two, her face isn’t jacked up on her mind’s insanity. Of course, Kelly is still pretty crazy, so don’t let this photo fool you. She recently sat down for an extended interview with Out Magazine (full piece here), and this woman… there is very little hope for her. At this point, I’m just praying that it’s the tequila talking. Instead of actually attempting to put any of this in context – because, why should I bother, Kelly doesn’t THINK in context – I’m just going to do random highlights:

And you were just recently at the Mohegan Sun Casino – what was that about?
I was at Mohegan Sun for the opening of their Mohegan Sun Days event, it’s their [monthly] GL — GLBT night. I always think that sounds like BLT. It was just a really, really fun group of people. Everyone was just having good clean fun… dancing like crazy. I was dancing with everybody and it was just a lot of fun to be in an environment like that where everyone was having a blast and no one was like trying to be too cool for school.

And you rode on the Gay Men’s Health Crisis float in New York City Pride this year?
I did. Yeah it was an incredible honor. I mean to be invited by GMHC to be on their float for the gay pride is up there in terms of one of the biggest honors for me. I have an initiative, which is safe sex. I have a 12-year-old daughter and, you know, basically she has been learning all about sex in school and so — not that I am encouraging her to have sex — but I am encouraging her when she does have sex to think and to be smart about the choices that she is going to make. So then speaking with GMHC about safe sex and also just about bullying, I learned so much about how alternative lifestyles get bullied so much and I was really disturbed by that to be honest with you because I have been a model for a long time and I have had so much respect for people that have alternative lifestyles. I mean it’s just the they want to live and I don’t have any problem with that. I think that’s great. I want people to celebrate themselves.

And these days you’ve got your hands in a lot of things – the jewelry line, the writing. Can you talk about what’s coming up?
We just finished the third season of The Real Housewives Of New York City and my jewelry line just launched. I am in the process of working on a really, really new project that is confidential and I can’t tell you about, but its going to be very, very exciting. It’s coming out in a couple of weeks and it’s a really big deal for me. I am going back to my roots and going back to being an editor, which is exciting. And that’s the biggest news for the fall. Kelly goes back to work. And I am really excited about exposing myself to the world and what I love, which is art, entertainment, architecture, people that are doing interesting things.

So it’s on the media side. You’re going to be getting back into more of that?
Yeah. That’s where I belong, that’s what I am good at. I am not good at fighting. I’m not a good fighter.

What’s your take — that this season of RHONY was just a “normal” season for you?
It’s my job to create content and they asked me to be on the show because they wanted me to legitimize the brand and they wanted a real socialite. They wanted a real New Yorker, if you will, on the show. And it was a great opportunity for me because it’s obviously got everything that I love, whether it’s my safe-sex initiative or antibullying or working on my jewelry line or just having my books be — literally, I mean, you can’t even get any of my books anymore — they are not available. So, it’s been just unbelievable for that and to put my name on the map. Whether or not you watch the show, everybody knows my name, so that’s a huge honor and I am really grateful to Bravo for exposing me and exploiting my name like that.

What comes across in this show is that you’re one of the women who doesn’t participate as much in the self-editing process. What you see is what you get —
I would never edit. That’s what everyone says to me, that’s the biggest complaint. They are like “Why aren’t you using it as a vehicle? Why aren’t you showing a certain side so you can maximize on it.” And I’m like “What for?” If you are going to say something mean to me, I would rather cry and scream at you and say I am not going to put up with that then be disingenuous and create an emotion or emote an emotion that’s not real. I don’t take my job home. Like I tell my kids, we’re not affected by it. The rest of the world might be, but we are not.

Gotcha. So you are sort of less concerned about the way that things come across on TV –
If I was concerned, on the reunion show, I would have been engaged in the conversation. I mean I was so bored by everything I was just like, “The conversation is over.” We already had this so I am not going to talk about talking. I think that was clear to everybody they were like Uh-oh…

Are you interested in having your own show?
It’s funny that you ask that because my kids were saying that the other day. They are like, “We want to have your own show. People need to see who Kelly Bensimon really is.” The one reason I would like to do my own show is because I am exposed to so many unbelievable people and so I would use my show as a vehicle to explore all these different people that I know, whether it would be Richard Meier to the man that helps me with my computers. I really want people to understand that brilliance isn’t about a financial amount, it’s about the state of mind and I happen to know an incredibly amazing group of people. I would like to be the vehicle to expose all those amazing people. I mean that’s my one reason why I love working for magazines. Everybody has a great story — I would love to be the vehicle for that. Would it be necessarily about Kelly Killoren Bensimon? It’s never really about me. It’s always about the other people because that’s what I find interesting. I don’t really find what I do really interesting.

So it sounds like more of talk-show format –
No, not a talk-show format. I’d rather have them come in and help me train my dog. The dog trainer that I have is amazing with animals and I’d rather have you learn about him and then me going and meeting a man that’s opening a new restaurant or someone that’s working in branding or someone that’s in fashion. I would rather have you come in and walk in my shoes and see all these amazing people. Do I need to be a comic relief for them? No. Can I be a vehicle for them to show how amazing people are? Yeah, I would love that. But not really like a talk show. I would rather have it be more organic.

Right, but that’s obviously not most of the airtime that you get --
Well, most of the airtime is with these women that I don’t even know and it’s like “I don’t even understand what you’re fighting with me about.” I don’t get it. Mostly I’m just like “Huh? What?” And then I look like I’m an airhead because I’m not engaging in stuff that I don’t understand. I don’t want to — it’s not like we are talking about politics, we are not talking about something that’s going to affect my kids or my business, so therefore I don’t want to talk about.

So you’re just sort of disengaged and disinterested in what’s going on around you on the show?
It’s not interesting, it’s not like people are talking about their real feelings. It’s always about random facts that are disconnected and I am always just like, “Guys, we need a script.” Because we need to stick to something like “Today we are going to talk about kids, tomorrow we are going to talk about dogs, tomorrow and the next day we are going to talk about work” — so there is a common conversation so we all know what we are talking about versus “I don’t like your hair.”

Teaching as opposed to just fighting?
It’s not like these women aren’t smart. They all are exposed to such amazing people and I don’t understand why we are not exploring how great we are — we would rather exploit how bad we are.

Do you think the ratings would be as good?
You can still fight, but you could learn, too. It’s called back-door education. Why do we have to be all flowers and lollipops? Why can’t it be like fighting, but we are actually learning? That’s called back-door education. I would love that.

[From Out Magazine]

F-cking hell, this crazy, CRAZY woman. My favorites? “Well, most of the airtime is with these women that I don’t even know and it’s like “I don’t even understand what you’re fighting with me about.” I don’t get it. Mostly I’m just like “Huh? What?” And then I look like I’m an airhead because I’m not engaging in stuff that I don’t understand.” I think that says it all. Reading a Kelly Bensimon interview is like trying to translate Lindsay Lohan’s crack tweets into Latin.

Kelly Bensimon on July 28, 2010. Credit: Bauer-Griffin.

Nutburgers McGee (Kelly Bensimon) has a new interview in Harper’s Bazaar, and it’s just as crazy as you would think. But not to hear Kelly tell it – she begins the interview by declaring, “I am not crazy. I am unpredictable… I’m not in therapy.” Now that that’s settled. We’ve already determined that Kelly is really delusional and that it might be because of her strange diet – but Bazaar seemed to give this woman a free range for this interview. The full piece is here, and here are some highlights:

On being crazy: “I am not crazy. I am unpredictable,” Bensimon says. And in case you were wondering, “I’m not in therapy.”

On the big fight in St. John: “It went from an everyday scene to all of a sudden Housewives, Big Brother style,” says Bensimon, who has denied popping pharmaceuticals like those jelly beans. Off-screen, she points out, she was dealing with the stress of a nanny who had quit and fielding calls from her daughters, Sea and Teddy, who were begging her to return home.

Andy Cohen (Bravo executive) on Kelly’s breakdown: “I think it was deeply disturb- ing. It seemed like she had a break of some kind, but I can’t say exactly what it was,” says Andy Cohen, Bravo’s programming chief, who denies Bensimon’s claims that she felt “literally forced” to go on the trip. “She was not forced to go to Saint John by Bravo or the producers,” he says. “That’s untrue.”

On the episode’s good ratings: “I’m embarrassed that I allowed myself to feed into it, but I don’t think I would handle it differently. The ratings were amazing, so no, absolutely not. Whether it’s my nail color, my hair color, or the shoes I’m wearing, everything about me bothers them. I don’t have any regrets. I’m glad I went on Housewives because the show has made me more known. You say ‘crazy Kelly,’ that search engine’s going to go bananas, but if you say ‘sweet Kelly,’ it’s going to go nowhere.”

On Bethenny Frankel: “I wish her well. I don’t need to smear anyone.”

On her new life: “I’m 42, and I have this new life,” she says. “Yes, I’m more mass market. And that’s okay. It’s my job… I’ve worked so hard. It wasn’t always lollipops and unicorns. I tell my girls, ‘Your mom gets paid to engage in inappropriate behavior.’ It’s an amazing opportunity for them to see that being mean is not okay. I tell them, ‘If you’re in a situation like this, walk out. Don’t come back with jelly beans.’”

[From Harper’s Bazaar]

Kelly really does think she’s a star, rather than some train wreck everyone watches because it’s horrible and fascinating and you can’t look away. It’s The Kate Gosselin Syndrome, really.

In other Real Housewife news, did everyone watch Teresa’s beat down of Danielle on last night’s RHONJ? I missed it because of The Closer and that new Angie Harmon show (which was okay, actually). But New York Magazine had a funny write-up here, and here’s the video clip:

“Ya a coke whorah! A COKE WHORAH!”

Photo of Kelly courtesy of Harper’s Bazaar

Last week, Huffington Post asked Kelly Bensimon to participate in one of their new features (that they copied from OK! Magazine): “What I Ate Today”. I rarely read those things, because inevitably HuffPo or OK! Magazine chooses someone you know is totally delusional about body image and health and diet, and you know that person is just going to lie anyway, because no one wants to put down “two lines of blow, five cigarettes and a Tic Tac” for their diet.

Anyway, Kelly didn’t hold back or dial down her crazy for the piece. She even has a video where you can watch her describe her very, very light meals – that she eats six days a week and then, much like God, she rests on the seventh day and eats some chicken wings.

Two things – according to the tabloids, Kelly drinks morning, noon and night, which I kind of believe. One tabloid had her chugging tequila for her breakfast. Second: This is Kelly’s body in a bikini. This tells me that her six-day brown-rice-and-tequila diet isn’t about health. She thinks she looks good, and that her figure is something that should be maintained. Yikes.

These photos are of Kelly out and about in NYC yesterday, looking totally jacked.

And here’s what Kelly looks like in a bikini:

Kelly in NYC on July 7, 2010. Credit: Bauer-Griffin.

Kelly Bensimon is still batsh-t crazy, just FYI. If you happen to run into her, don’t meet her eye, don’t turn your back, but just back away slowly and find the nearest police officer. Either that, or Stop, Drop and Roll. I forget. So ever since Kelly’s televised meltdown hit the airwaves of Bravo a few weeks ago, most people have been like, “Seriously, this bitch needs to get a grip… of a board-certified psychiatrist.” Last week, Us Weekly even ran an interesting story about what happened behind-the scenes on that trip to St. John: basically, Kelly was nutburgers and sat on her bed, rocking and crying, telling producers, “Bethenny wants to kill me.”

But Kelly still doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her, of course. It’s everybody else. Everybody else has the problem. Not Kelly. But Kelly has the solution! She recorded what Gawker is referring to as “a homemade after school special-style PSA to explain it all away.” Kelly’s message? She was bullied, and everyone should be aware of bullying!

At some point, when you’re sitting down to record a budget PSA on an ugly chair, sitting in what I think is probably Kelly’s Lair of Crazy, and yammering on about bullying, don’t you know that, at some point, you ARE in fact crazy? Or, as Gawker puts it:

Yes, she was a victim of terrible, terrible bullying, presumably at the hands of all the other mean old Housewives. That’s why she’s been doing strange fever-dances and yelling at trees all season long. We realize that by posting this we’re just feeding into her masochistic desire for attention, but we feel you could all benefit from the video’s healing message: Never gang up on a person who’s having “an episode” because they’ll later make a PSA about it and you’ll probably have to watch it. The more you knowwwwwww.

[From Gawker]

In other RHONY news, Sonja was arrested for DWI on Memorial Day. She refused to take a Breathalyzer, always a good sign. Drunk bitch. She could have killed someone.

Kelly on May 2 & April 5, 2010. Credit: BRJ & RAM/Fame.

Us Weekly is running a mix of Kelly Bensimon-related articles both online and in this week’s print edition. This story is a mixture of both – it includes both an interview with Kelly about why she was so f-cking crazy on that trip to St. John, and they also have some interesting details about what went down behind the scenes. Like, after the cameras were turned off, Kelly went to her room and sat on her bed, rocking and telling producers that Bethenny wanted to kill her. C to the Razy. Oh, and she maybe was drunk but she definitely wasn’t on pills. So we’re left with “drunk and/or crazy” then.

On Thursday’s The Real Housewives of New York City, Kelly Bensimon attempts to explain her infamous May 20 show meltdown — but only leaves her pals even more confused.

Sitting with Jill Zarin, LuAnn de Lesseps and Jennifer Gilbert, Bensimon, 42, says she lashed out at costars Ramona Singer, Alex McCord, Sonja Morgan and foe Bethenny Frankel during a trip to the Virgin Islands because they were gossiping too much.

“From the minute we were together, it was everything that I hate – talking badly about people,” she begins.

(Oddly, she then starts gossiping about Frankel, 39: “She’s, like, a cook and everything like that, and I’m thinking to myself, ‘I mean, not one person that I know has ever hired her as a cook.’”)

“There were moments when we didn’t know what planet we were on,” says Alex McCord.

Kelly’s outbursts had viewers wondering whether she was delusional or just plain drunk. “She does seem to be a little paranoid in general,” says McCord, whom Kelly accused of “channeling a vampire.”

A source close to Kelly insists she was not intoxicated, but was lashing out after being bullied. Regardless, says a show source, “something in her snapped.”

Bensimon says she was “so over tired” and “feeling sick” when she snapped (among her quips: She called Frankel a “ho bag”). “I was drinking this wine – I never drink wine – and I was sitting in this room with these women. I just wanted to get out of there,” she says. “… It was an out-of-body experience.”

In the end, the ladies still had no clarity about what actually went down.

Says de Lesseps, 45: “By the end of Kelly’s story about the trip, I was so confused. I mean, I just didn’t get it. I had to hear the other side of the story. Kelly has a hard time defending herself… but she was so very aggressive.”

Behind-the-scenes, in conversations that were not televised, Sonja tells Us Weekly that she asked Kelly, “Do you think this is normal?” Sonja also says, “I tried to calm her.” But it didn’t work.

Continuing their fight off-camera, Bethenny and Kelly, their voices echoing through the mansion, in indulged in name-calling until Kelly fled to her room at 11:30 p.m. “Producers had to calm Kelly. She was on her bed, rocking back and forth,” says the show source. “She kept saying she thought Bethenny was going to kill her. It went on for hours!”

Deciding Kelly wasn’t in the mind-set to film, producers booked her an 8 a.m. flight home to New York – “No one thought she was stable,” says one source. One insider even suggests her outbursts were the result of mixing Valium with alcohol, but another source insists, “She’s not on drugs.”

Kelly insists the other women were “bullying” her, while Alex says “no one went after her.” Another source says: “Kelly picked the fights.”

In the end, a source says, “Kelly is hurt by how the show portrayed her. But she realizes what the show needs. They have to push it past flipping tables.”

[From Us Weekly, print and online editions]

At this point, I was going to show the new video for LuAnn’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class” single, but that sh-t got taken down off YouTube because it’s too precious, I suppose. Now I just have to talk about Kelly and how crazy she is. Personally, I think it’s a mixture of crazy, prescription medication, alcohol and delusional famewhorishness. Just my take!

UPADTE: Oooohhh, Michael K found the video! Here’s LuAnn’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class”. Epic!