In Touch Weekly’s second biggest story of the week (after the Jesse James/Sandra Bullock/Bombshell fiasco) is that Madonna is officially turning into that creepy lady who smells like Vicks cough drops and thinks it’s “sexy” to grope young men in public. Too harsh? Listen to this story from In Touch about Madge and her undercover boy toy and tell me you don’t feel a shiver of revulsion:

Madonna may be 51, but she still can give a good lap dance! The icon showed up to the Moët & Chandon celebrity photographer Tom Munro private viewing in LA on March 6 with a new younger man, The City star and Dolce & Gabbana model, Adam Senn.

“She arrived with Adam from the back and sat in the VIP area,” an onlooker tells In Touch. “At one point, she got up and started dancing, and he was grabbing her waist and touching her butt. She turned around and gave him a lap dance and he looked like the happiest guy in the world.”

But Madge was keen on keeping her new beau under wraps.

“She made sure no photos were taken.”

[From In Touch Weekly]

No photos? Why, because they would ruin her reputation? Or maybe Jesus has her on a tight leash? Chuckle. Just in case you’d forgotten, this is Adam Senn:

Yeah. He was briefly connected to Lindsay Lohan a few months ago. And Madge’s other boy-toy, Jesus Luz, was connected to Lindsay just a few days ago, when British sources claimed that Lindsay wanted to party with Jesus, and Madge ordered Jesus to refuse Lindsay’s advances. But for about a month, Madge has been quietly and consistently been associated with Adam Senn in the press, at least. I have no idea if this is really happening. If it is, then this dude better get ready for even more sketchy lap dances.

Adam Senn images courtesy of Google Images. Madonna on December 15, 2009 in New York. Credit: Pacific Coast News.

I noticed this totally boring little mini-interview with Jesus Luz in OK! Magazine, and now I’m so glad I did! Jesus is talking about blah, blah, blah, he feels like he’s married to the Madge Vadge, and how people in his family (his parents) always get hitched very young. He kind of sounds like he wants to marry the Madge Vadge for real. Sidenote: Is Jesus a little cross-eyed, or are these just weird photos? Anyway, the best part about it is the little story about Lindsay Lohan that comes at the end. Here’s more:

MADONNA’s boyfriend Jesus Luz says he feels like a married man with a family.

Brazilian model Jesus Luz, who has been dating Madonna for around 15 months, feels like he has a complete family of his own since the pair got together thanks to her four children, Lourdes, 13, Rocco, nine, Mercy, five, and four-year-old David.

The 23-year-old hunk told Brazil’s RG Vogue magazine: “I consider myself a married man. I have a family. At my age, my father was also married. My mother gave birth to me when she was 15.”

While Jesus also admitted in the interview that he can’t help but get jealous of the attention Madonna receives, it seems he is not the only one.

It has been claimed the 51-year-old singer banned her boyfriend from partying with Lindsay Lohan at the VIP Room nightspot in Paris, France recently.

A source told the Daily Mirror: “Lindsay got her people to phone the club to try and hang out with him. She knew he was hosting a night there with Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz.”

“But when Madonna’s people heard, they put a block on it. Jesus wasn’t one to argue, he didn’t want to upset Madonna and was just there to work. Lindsay had to make to with a night in her hotel.”

[From OK! Magazine]

Oh, yes! Madge has a rule for her boy-toys: no Lohan. It’s not the worst rule, actually. In the Daily Mirror’s report, they call this Madonna’s “11th commandment – thou shalt not flirt with young starlets.” The rest of the report OK! Magazine already talked about. You know Lindsay wanted desperately to do her drunken, cracked-out mating call for Jesus. By the way, I think Lindsay’s mating call is something like, “You got any blow? I’ll, like, trade, or whatever. You wanna?”

Jesus in Paris on March 12, 2010. Lindsay in London on March 13, 2010. Credit: ANG/Fame Pictures and INFphoto.com.

Gerard Butler and Madonna have known each other for several years, ever since Gerard worked with Guy Ritchie on RocknRolla, back when Guy and Madge were still together. Gerry even told a story about Madge giving him a B-12 shot in the ass, and they even hung out together in Brazil a few weeks ago. So, they’re friendly. Which is why I’m not sure if I buy this report from Hollywood Life. They’re claiming that Madge and Gerry “were all over each other” at a post-Oscar bash. Ugh. Apparently, Madge was “putting on the full-court press, totally charming him” (I can believe that) and Gerry was “loving the attention” (I can believe that too). Damn it, this might be true!

Move over, Jen. There’s another hot blond who may want your man!

Madonna and Gerard Butler would certainly make quite the pair – as they’re both famously sexy flirts. These two perfect matches found each other last night – and spent Oscar night getting down at Madonna’s afterparty, according to someone who was there.

Gerard attended a private bash that Madge, Demi Moore and producer Guy Oseary threw in the Hollywood Hills March 7 – and despite the very late hour, the action was steamy, we’re told. Madonna and Gerard were “all over each other,” one eyewitness tells HollywoodLife.com. “She was putting on the full-court press, totally charming him – and even challenged him to a dance-off! They were grinding in the middle of the room real close and then Demi joined in. It was hot! Gerard was loving the attention.”

After their sexy dance display, Madonna, 52, and Gerard, 40, huddled in a corner – but alas, she left alone.

Well, thank God Jen Aniston wasn’t there to witness THAT display, we say. The 41-year-old Bounty Hunter star was probably doubly glad she didn’t hit the party, given that another of her exes was there. No, not Brad Pitt – but Bradley Cooper, who tore up the dance floor with his girlfriend, Renee Zellweger.

“They were so cute,” adds our eyewitness. “After they got off the dance floor they ran to take their picture together in a photo booth.”

[From Hollywood Life]

See, I’ll buy that Madge wanted to hit that. And I’ll buy that Gerry is such a man-slut that he would literally f-ck any woman if she “stroked his ego” (“ego” = taint). But I will hold my line (“the line” = Gerry’s wang) and say that Madge isn’t even close to being Gerry’s type. He’ll bang anything that moves, but he prefers younger, darker, less scary-faced.

And, as it turns out, Madge might be interested in someone other than Gerry too (and Jesus Luz, for that matter). There were several reports circulating yesterday that Madge has her eye on model Adam Senn. We last heard from Senn when he was loosely associated with Lindsay Lohan in December. Anyway, Madge and Adam are the “faces” of D&G’s newest ad campaigns, and most people think Madge was just showing off her latest business associate rather than her latest boy-toy. But you never know.

Back to Gerry for a second – when I was looking for cute photos of him yesterday, I found these two hilarious ones of him with George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis in one (in which Gerry looks like an a-hole), and Barbara Streisand, who looks like she could eat him up. They were seated next to each other at the Governor’s Ball!

There are two slightly funny stories about Jesus Luz in the Murdoch-owned papers today. The first is a little piece from Page Six about Jesus being a weeper. Apparently, when Jesus was deejaying in Rio de Janeiro, someone heckled Jesus to his face. Jesus then cried like a little girl! Chuckle.

Jesus Luz had a bad night in Rio on Sunday. Madonna’s boy toy was deejaying at a party for the best samba schools that participated in Carnival when a guest came up and threw beer in his face, saying, “Get out of here, I don’t wanna see your face here anymore!”

As reported by iG Gente magazine, Luz “went to a corner and started to cry.” He only finished the gig when four bodyguards were assigned to flank him.

But Luz might have the last laugh — he just signed with Warner Music, Madge’s label, and will release his first record in April.

[From Page Six]

Ah, yes. Jesus signed a record deal. Did you know that deejays get their own recording contracts? They do. If they’re dating Madge, and Madge pulls crazy strings. Seriously, The Sun claims that Madge had to agree to some pretty hardcore terms to secure Jesus’ contract – and even then, she was only able to get him a two-single deal:

MADONNA’s toyboy JESUS LUZ has signed a record deal – and will release a single by the summer. I’d like to say he managed to secure the contract all on his own thanks to his amazing talents. But the almighty herself put in more than a word.

The Queen Of Pop used all her might and muscle to get the model – who flaunted his own muscle on the beach in Rio de Janeiro yesterday – signed up by her former label Warners.

The Brazilian’s first single We Came From Light will be issued in the first half of May. Protective Madge had to make some uncharacteristic concessions to secure its release.

She rarely gives permission for any of her iconic back catalogue to be used in adverts. But in order to get execs to sign up her fella, she relented and classics Vogue and Like A Prayer have been licensed for a major advertising campaign Stateside.

A source said: “Madonna was determined to give Jesus all the help she can. She holds a lot of sway at Warners, where she had a deal until very recently. But getting him on the books wasn’t completely plain-sailing. There was a little give and take between her and execs, but a compromise was eventually settled upon.”

Jesus has a two-single deal, with the label allowed first refusal on an album as well. An initial version of the club track featured vocals from her Madgesty herself, but that’s unlikely to get a full release. It’s more likely to feature as a B-side or on a remix.

Generous Madonna has also been covering all of Jesus’s expenses, including his hefty studio costs. And she been calling on other old pals, including legendary remixer VICTOR CALDERONE. The dance music heavyweight has had a long association with Madonna, retooling much of her back catalogue, such as Frozen and American Pie. And he’s been busy toying around with Jesus’s tracks.

The source added: “Madonna really wants Jesus’s career to take off. She’s been going through her Filofax and putting him in contact with as many of her influential pals as she can. She’s worked with Victor for a very long time and he understands just what she likes. Having him rejig Jesus’s tracks will give them a cool cachet which is essential to building a clubland buzz.”

Friends in high places, eh?

[From The Sun]

If this is true (big if), then it shows that Madge really does A) Care for Jesus or B) Want him to get a real job. Because Madge hates to give up anything. She hates to spend money, she hates to give up her musical rights, she hates to be in a position of weakness (in business). So which is it? Does Madge love her Jesus, or was she just tired of him sitting around the house? My opinion: she knows that she and Jesus aren’t going to be forever, so she wants to ensure that he’s set up professionally whenever she does dump him. She takes care of her boy-toys!

Jesus and Madonna in Brazil on February 13 & 14, 2010. Credit: INFphoto.com and Bauer-Griffin.

Remember when Madonna did her own fashion line for H&M? It was all overpriced tracksuits and the clothing just sat collecting dust on the racks. Not many people want to pay top dollar for sweatsuits and if they do they want a name like “juicy” on their ass that shows everyone that they overpaid. Personally, I always change into jeans before and after the gym because I’d rather look like I’m trying, but I understand the lure of the sweatsuit. (I’m probably going to order the pajama jeans for maximum comfort and less stigma, but then I’m in the position of looking like I wear jeans to work out in.)

Anyway Madonna is about to launch her own fashion line for Macys. I have the feeling this will have the same outcome as her H&M line.

Madonna is reportedly in talks to launch her own fashion line to be sold exclusively at Macy’s.

According to Women’s Wear Daily, the Material Mom’s line would include apparel, accessories, underwear and shoes.

Names under consideration for Madonna’s line include “Material Girl” (one of her nicknames during the 80s) and “Truth or Dare” (the title of her 1991 documentary).

According to WWD, a deal is close to being signed, but the parties involved remained mum on the material matter.

Madonna recently left her long-time music label – Warner Bros. Records – to sign a 10-year 360 deal with LiveNation.

A rep for Madonna was not immediately available for comment when contacted by Access Hollywood. When contacted by WWD a rep for Macy’s declined to comment on the rumored line.

[From Access Hollywood, link has automatic music]

Will we be treated to sweatsuits in all colors of the rainbow or is Madonna going to grace us with a remix of Ed Hardy douche wear? To be fair to Madonna, she does seem to have changed her wardrobe since she got divorced and started dating that 23 year-old Brazilian model. She’s still wearing giant furry hats and trucker gear, but her event wear is sometimes acceptable. I doubt she’ll come up with anything that varies much from the unimpressive way she usually dresses. She could possible make basic black staples well, I’ll give her that.

I was fully prepared to write about this story with a “Madonna is a neo-colonialist bitch” slant. But I just can’t, because I think this story is being hyped to make Madge look terrible, when really she’s actually trying to do the right thing. So, Madge announced a while ago that she planned to build and partially finance a $15 million girls’ school in Malawi. Instead of buying a parcel of land, from what I understand, the Malawi government gave her a parcel of (government-owned) land to built the school. Unfortunately, 200 local Malawians live on the land, and now the government is trying to force them out, and they’re putting up a fight. Madonna tried to do the right thing (I guess, if there is a “right thing” in this situation) and paid each villager roughly $115,000 to relocate.

Malawi’s government has told a group of villagers they will have to move to make way for a $15 million girls’ school being built by pop star Madonna.

Residents have refused to leave the site just outside Lilongwe, the capital.

Lilongwe District Commissioner Charles Kalemba told 200 villagers Thursday that the government land has been handed over to Madonna. The villagers have been offered other government land.

Anjimile Mtila-Oponyo, who will be principal of Madonna’s school, says the singer paid the villagers more than 16 million kwacha (about $115,000) to compensate them for their houses.

Headman Binson Chinkhota urged residents to move, saying the school would benefit their children.

[From Huffington Post]

Now, this is a crappy situation, but I don’t think Madge is the only one who should be bashed, if there is bashing to be done. It kills me how subservient the Malawi government is being to Madge, even to the extent of throwing 200 of their own people out of their homes. As for Madonna, her share of the blame is this: why did she need government-owned land? Why couldn’t she buy a parcel of land that wasn’t being used? Why does she need to build a school on land that’s already being used? I don’t get it.

Madonna in Malawi for the tree-planting ceremony for the school, on October 26, 2009. Credit: INFphoto. Also, a photo of the Malawi school as it’s being constructed. Credit: WENN.

**Unaltered Louis Vuitton ad on the left, altered ad on the right, credit: Louis Vuitton and New York Magazine.**

Last year, Louis Vuitton unveiled new ads with their spokesmodel, Madonna. The ads were… in a word, hysterical. Madonna looked airbrushed within an inch of her life, down to the last veiny piece of gristle in her hands. She looked, in the ads, like Heidi Montag looks in real life now. Like a doll. An unmoving, frozen, sketchy plastic doll. Anyway, Sassybella and New York Magazine got their hands on the unaltered Madge ad (above, in the side-by-side – the unaltered photo is on the left), and I can only say that it’s truly frightening the kind of Photoshop horror is trust upon the general public.

I came to see this altered ad because Jezebel ran a piece called “The Irresistible Allure Of Unretouched Madonna Photos”. Erin at Jezebel asks “Who keeps leaking the “before” shots of Madonna photo shoots?” and “Why her more than anyone else?” Possible answers: there’s tension between the Madge Camp and the Steven Meisel camp, the photographer who shot the Vuitton campaign, a W Magazine spread from several years ago and Madge’s Hard Candy photo shoot (which also had some leaks).

As for the alleged joy (or schadenfreude) we get from seeing unaltered photos of Madge, Jezebel continues: “Madonna offers her own complications: She seems to regard her body as a hard-fought act of defiance, a bulwark against weakness or aging. If the unretouched photos of her tell us anything, it’s that people are still obsessed with confirming the ultimate impossibility of that goal.”

Here’s the now classic unaltered Madge photo from Steven Klein’s photo shoot with Madonna and Jesus Luz, for W Magazine (courtesy of Pop Crunch):

Well, it seems the reports might have been wrong! Not only has Madonna made a $1.5 million investment in special, Brazilian “youthful” coconut water, she’s also continuing to make a significant investment in Jesus Luz’s sweet nectar of youth. Gatecrasher reports that the rumors of a Jesus-Madge split - spread earlier this week – are false. Because apparently, Jesus and Madge were all over each other in London earlier this week. Who knows?

Back off, cougars of the world –Jesus Luz remains Madonna’s man.

Despite rumors the Material Mom had dumped her Brazilian boy toy, we hear the two appeared very much together at the London premiere party for “A Single Man” on Monday night.

“They were all over each other and were even kissing in front of everyone,” a spy on the other side of the pond dishes of the duo, who snuck into the famed Harry’s Bar around 11 p.m. “They looked like they were still very much an item,” although the snitch added that while Jesus snuck out right before the party ended, Madonna stayed until the venue closed.

“Tom Ford was there, and she looked like she wanted to talk to him before she left for the evening,” the source says. “But there’s no doubt she and Jesus were at the party together.”
Madge even buried the hatchet for the evening: She was also spotted chatting with her ex, Guy Ritchie.

While the Queen of Pop may not be single, that doesn’t mean she can’t mingle: We hear she also enjoyed herself in NYC on Wednesday night — having a great time but certainly not stepping out on her man.

“She came into SL with a huge entourage of guys, but it looked very friendly,” a snitch dishes. “At first, she was blocked off by security, but as the night went on she was having such a good time that she was out dancing like everyone else.”

The 51-year-old still knows how to party: Our spy says that she even had a dance-off with the members of her posse, which included Knicks player Danilo Gallinari.

“They made a huge circle, and Madonna looked like she was competing with [“The Hurt Locker’s”] Anthony Mackie and Jeremy Renner. Madonna looked really happy and like she was having a good time, but any attention she got from the men was definitely platonic.”

Well thank God — err, Jesus — for that!

[From Gatecrasher]

Yeah, I could see this. I think Jesus and Madge will break up when she’s ready to break up, and not a minute before. I tend to think of Jesus as Madge’s employee more than anything else – and he wouldn’t “dump” her without giving his two weeks notice.

However, In Touch Weekly does claim that there is trouble in Madge-and-Jesus-ville. Apparently, Madge is quite “bored” with Jesus, and she’s “distancing herself from him” because she’s “rekindled a friendship with her ex-husband Sean Penn.” Which has been my theory for a little while – that Madge’s next “boyfriend” will be a rekindled relationship with Sean Penn. We know he’s a repeat offender, at least in love. Anyway, Madge is “physically attracted to Jesus, but that is pretty much about it now… she’s already hinting that her relationship with him is coming to an end, but she’ll keep him as a friend.” I think “keep him as a friend” = payroll.

Photos of Madonna and Jesus Luz from their infamous 2009 W Magazine photo shoot, courtesy of W Magazine and The Hollywood Gossip.

While I’m not certain Jesus Luz really did dump Madonna, everyone seems to be reporting it, and Madonna still hasn’t released any statement about it. Hello Magazine is running an interview with an unnamed “friend” of Madge’s, and this friend confirms the breakup, and also claims that Madge is taking a time-out. Apparently, Madge told this friend: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, and I’m certainly not going to rush a decision to satisfy the curious.” The friend then says: “The problem with Jesus is as simple as it is obvious. It’s the age difference. He’s 23. She’s 51. How long could it last? How it even lasted a year seems a miracle to a lot of people. He’s perfectly nice, a gentleman and very smart. But they are in such different places in their lives. They both benefited, but it’s pretty much over now. Or, as Madonna told me, “We’ve just run out of things to talk about. I mean, it’s really pushing it for us to have common ground these days. We have Kabbalah, but that’s about it.”‘ Hmmm…

Anyway, the investment in Jesus Luz’s pants (and his deejay lessons, and all the modeling work Madge got him) isn’t the only Brazilian investment Madge has made recently. Fox New Pop Tarts reports that Madge has invested $1.5 million in a special Brazilian “youth water”. It’s coconut-flavored water, by the way. Just in case you thought “youth water” was a euphemism for “scary plastic surgery in Brazil”.

Madonna is making a big $1.5 million investment in Vita Coco, coconut water made in Brazil. This will be her second major import from the country, behind her Brazillian model boyfriend, 23 year-old Jesus Luz.

Madonna will join her manager Guy Oseary and other celebs like Matthew McConaughey and Demi Moore as investors in the company. Friends of the singer give us the inside track into what hooked Madonna on her latest health sensation.

Sources tell us the Material Mom is obsessed with the water for its many benefits in health and aging.

“Madonna began drinking it in 2009 on her Sticky & Sweet tour and it became her drink of choice. Before Vita Coco, she was drinking a lot of coffee and having special brands shipped to her on the tour. She began drinking coconut water after workouts and shows. Madonna has a team of specialists around her including doctors, chiropractors and other people who could confirm that it’s a healthy choice.”

By investing in Vita Coco, Madonna can ensure that it gets publicized, gets new fans and will always be at her fingertips.

“It’s around for Jesus to drink, too. Madonna has it delivered everywhere she goes. Coconut water is something the Brazilians have embraced for years, so it’s no coincidence that she’s been drinking it since meeting Jesus. This is another way she can turn back the clock and pour something super healthy into her body. Madonna uses it to detoxify and cleanse her system.”

Other health benefits of coconut water include lowering your cholesterol, preventing diabetes, boosting your metabolism and immune system. You can buy your Madonna Vita Coco water at Whole Foods and other specialty food markets.

[From Fox News Pop Tarts]

Now, I believe Madonna has invested in this company, and I believe that she will continue to pay large sums of money to ensure that she looks “younger”. That included money for plastic surgery, money for clothes, money to pay off random men to be her boyfriend, money for expensive water, Kabbalah or coconut. But seriously, who looks at Madge and thinks, “Wow, she looks great!” When I saw her performance on the Help For Haiti Now telethon (these photos are from that event), every time she tried to move her face, she and I both winced in pain. But it was probably the coconut water, right?

The fairy tale romance between 51 year-old Madonna and 23 year-old model/DJ boyfriend, Brazilian Jesus Luz, may be over. Bill Zwecker of the Chicago Sun Times reports that Jesus broke up with Madonna, but that it was “totally amicable” and Madonna was ok with it. You know that Madonna’s camp did not leak this news if it was Jesus that did the dumping, not her. Here’s the brief report on their split:

While it’s true that Madonna and Jesus Luz, her boytoy of the past year, have gone their separate ways — it not only was totally amicable, but it was Luz who initiated the split. Apparently, the 23-year-old Brazilian realized their age difference (she’s 51) and overall lack of mutual interests nixed a long-term relationship.

[From Sun Times]

Last week we heard that Madonna had a secret weekend hookup with her ex, Alex Rodriguez, in mid January. Maybe Madonna was “cheating” on her younger kept lover, or maybe she was consoling herself in the arms of an ex, fantasizing of sweet centaur loving.

It’s good news that Jesus has cut Madonna lose. He may miss out his allowance, but he’ll be able to forge his own way in life without answering to a girlfriend as old as his grandmother. And we won’t have to read any more speculation that Madonna and Jesus are trying for a baby.

There’s a story that Madonna has taken up with an “a retired Wall Street exec” and Kabbalah devotee in his mid 70s. The two were supposedly seen making out, but this story originated with “Brangelina” author Ian Halperin. There’s less than a 50/50 chance of a story from Halperin being based on more than his imagination.

Jesus and Madonna are shown with Mercy and David on 8/17/09. Credit: Fame Pictures