Did you ever want to see a photo of a dripping-wet Stephen Baldwin? No? Too bad, because here he is, in all his glory. That’s not water that dampens his skin, it’s Jesus’s tears. Can you tell my allergy medicine just kicked in? Anyway, doesn’t he look like he’s sucking in his gut big-time? Like he’s sucking and holding his breathe thinking “Takethepicturedammit.” I also think he might have laser eyes.

Now, Stephen wasn’t the only one tweaking his nipples for Cosmo UK. America’s Next Top Model judge and photographer Nigel Barker also posed with the ass of his wife. Judging from her ass alone, I don’t like her. Also: Holy Shadow Wang! Why didn’t someone turn on a desk lamp when they were doing pictures? Nigel’s got his legs spread and that towel is reaching for a stiff breeze.

There’s also Jesse Metcalfe, also known as “Who?” He looks like he smelled something.

But my favorite dude of the whole pictorial was this one – Louie Spence. Apparently, he’s the star of “Pineapple Dance Studios” which I guess is a show in England? I adore Louie because he has no qualms about rubbing a pineapple on his wang. Or is f-cking that pineapple? The pineapple is, at the very least, a close friend. I expect Louie’s publicist to issue a statement any moment now: “Louie and the pineapple are just costars, the pineapple is happily married.”

Photos courtesy of HuffPo.

Huffington Post put this story in the Entertainment section, and I have no idea why. It’s a video of born-again Christian and conservative mouthpiece Stephen Baldwin (of the Baldwin brothers, and of The Usual Suspects), bitching about President Obama. Baldwin was at CPAC, I think, which is the annual Conservative conference which features lots of high-profile speakers and lots of bashing of liberals. Anyway, in this little clip, Stephen Baldwin told ABC reporter Jonathan Karl “I’m gonna be real straight with you. I am not happy about the way things are. I pray for President Obama every single day. But tell you what. Homey made this bed, now he has got to lay in it.” As HuffPo breathlessly announces, “’Homey’ is short for ‘homeboy,’ slang for a fellow gang member.” Thank you, HuffPo. I never would have known that!

Obviously, some people are all, like, “That’s so racist!” And maybe it is, but mostly I think it just seems douchey and out-of-touch. Do “gang members” still call each other “homey”? And the fact that Baldwin thought he was cutting down or disrespecting Obama by calling him such a passé term makes Baldwin look like an idiot, in my opinion. And yes, Baldwin would have never called a white liberal president “homey”. But that seems to me beside the point. Anyway, Entertainment section, blah, blah, was it racist?

Stephen Baldwin on February 5, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Lindsay Lohan isn’t going into rehab again – but she is going into a “therapeutic environment.” Which could mean any number of things. Two of the Baldwin brothers – Danny and Stephen – are organizing it, though it’s unclear exactly what this all means.

After a whirlwind weekend in the media spotlight in response to a warrant (which was later dropped) being issued for her arrest, Tarts has been told that Lindsay Lohan is seeking professional guidance to put her back on a positive path. According to an inside source close to the Lohan family, the troubled 22-year-old will temporarily be in a “therapeutic environment” organized by fellow actors, Stephen and Danny Baldwin.

“Lindsay is still able to go to work and meetings and do normal things,” said our insider. “But she wants to remove the negative influences in her life.”

Reformed rehabber himself Daniel Baldwin is devoting a great deal of time and energy into making sure the young starlet doesn’t fall back into her wild ways. “Lindsay’s doing great, her sobriety is the most important thing to her,” Baldwin told Tarts in an exclusive statement on Wednesday. “She is taking all the necessary measures and actions for her continued health.”

A rep for Lohan confirmed that she is not in rehabilitation but did not respond for any further comment. Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, declined to elaborate on his daughter’s immediate plans but said Lindsay is committed to improving her quality of life. “Lindsay will disclose where she is staying and what she is doing when she is ready,” he said, adding that he intends to come to Los Angeles this week to offer his daughter support and guidance.

[From Fox News’ Pop Tarts]

This sounds like some version of a halfway house or sober living community. Daniel Baldwin was on “Celebrity Rehab,” and frankly he annoyed me. He was always acting like the savior, but it seemed like he was just doing it to get attention and praise. The fact that he’s rushing in to help Lohan – and chat about it in “exclusive statements,” makes me worry that this is more about fuelling his own ego than helping Lindsay. And I’m not even going to bother going into the obvious disaster that is Michael Lohan.

I’m glad Lindsay is doing something though. I wish it were a little more private. And I’m hoping that Daniel and Stephen Baldwin are just supporting her, not actually organizing the entire thing. There should be professionals behind it. Nonetheless, I’m glad she’s taking some kind of action.

Here’s Lindsay leaving a medical building in Los Angeles, yelling at the swarm of paparazzi awaiting of her today. Images thanks to WENN.com.

How many things are wrong with a 42-year old man who gets teenage girl’s Disney character names tattooed on his body? If this were any other man, someone would be investigating whether he should be around children, let alone guest starring on their pre-teen audience Disney Channel shows. How about a man who decides to immerse himself in the juvenile fued of one of those teenage girls against another?

Well, Sarah Palin’s favorite Baldwin brother is that man. As we reported last week, Stephen Baldwin is proudly sporting a Hannah Montana tattoo on his upper arm. I know some 8-year olds who do the same, but their’s are peel-and-stick and, as much as they don’t want them to, come off with a couple baths. Baldwin pledged his permanent allegiance to Miley Cyrus by having not her real name, but her Disney show character’s initials tattooed, with real ink and needle, on his body. Evidently because she’s “cool.” Not so Selena Gomez, according to the creepier and creepier Stephen.

Miley Cyrus has chalked up the weirdest victory yet against Selena Gomez — after Stephen Baldwin declared her frenemy “not cool” enough to have her named tattooed on his shoulder next to Miley’s.

The two Disney stars seem to have been in a bit of a passive aggressive war since Miley posted that video on YouTube mocking Selena’s blog, and then just so happened to mention that she and Nick Jonas had been in love — just as Selena and Nick started going on dates together.

Now tough-guy actor Stephen has publicly joined Team Miley, by saying that his shoulder isn’t big enough for the both of them.

[From OK! Magazine]

Selena, and her parents, must be doubly thankful this Thanksgiving. It’s a truly heartfelt family dinner at the Gomez house this year. There’s not a better gift this holiday season than to know your teenage daughter isn’t what creepy, old guys want tattooed on themselves.

Stephen Baldwin has found a tabloid niche, lately. The washed-up-actor-spouts-off-for-attention niche. Fortunately for him, in this age of tabloid news being reported on paper, internet and television, Baldwin has thrust himself into a spotlight brighter than any he’s ever known for his less than stellar movies. Stephen is riding the crest of the pseudo-celebrity wave at the moment, and I for one can’t wait to watch him crash into the surf.

Stephen Baldwin is shown on 11/24/08 at Rosie’s Gala: Building Dreams for Kids. Credit: WENN.

In the months leading up to the election, Stephen Baldwin did everything he could to get some headlines. First, he claimed to be so afraid of Barack Obama he said if Obama won the election, he was going to move to Canada. President-elect Obama became a reality on November 4th, and on the 5th we were all waiting for Baldwin to start looking at some real estate in The Great White North. But suddenly, Stephen Baldwin is just a crazy jokester, and anyone who thought he was just crazy needs a sense of humor.

“The liberal Democrats who didn’t get that I was joking need to lighten up,” the born-again Christian told Page Six. “Obama is obviously talented and intelligent, and I have great respect for the man. He’s got my full support, and I’m gonna be praying for him and his administration.”

[From Page Six]

Damn. I was hoping Stephen Baldwin would be the first to live up to the cliche’ Hollywood threat and actually move out of the country. If for no other reason than the publicity it would garner. I’m not even sure how Baldwin hangs on to his SAG card these days, I haven’t seen him in anything since his remarkable portrayal of Barney Rubble in Viva Rock Vegas. Upon viewing his wikipedia entry, it seems if I watched Christian programming or the SciFi Channel, I might have seen more of him. But he could have done all that from Canada, couldn’t he?

So, Baldwin was joking about expatriating, was he joking when he called Obama a “cultural terrorist” and said how he’d beat the Democrat right out of him. What you really meant was that Obama is a great man and you respects the hell out of him, huh, Stephen? A month ago he’s got you running for the border, today, he’s got your prayers.

Not so the gays, though. After declaring his love and devotion to Obama, Stephen Baldwin made sure he got the press by saying, “If they legalize gay marriage in all 50 states in my lifetime, I’ll get a Billy Ray Cyrus tattoo on my butt to go with the Hannah Montana one.”

Weird, I thought his Hannah Montana tattoo was on his arm. A 15-year old girl’s pretend name tattooed on the shoulder of a 42-year old man is creepy, but a tattoo of her dad on his butt would be all kinds of weird. Let’s hope we get some equal marriage rights here soon so we can see if Baldwin is joking about that, too.

Stephen Baldwin is shown campaigning on 11/2/08. Credit: WENN