Ooh, so what is it? It’s a guinea pig! While catching up on my local hometown’s news, I managed to find this piece in the Business section of their website, not the News Bizarre section.

In the article, the guy says that guinea pigs are twenty bucks each! What the hell, just “rescue” one, and the best thing is, they usually come in pairs so you can charge your diners extra.

I personally don’t think that eating a guinea pig would be that bad, but then again, I’m Chinese so what would I know? (Only that chicken feet are good!).

Here are some interesting facts about guinea pigs I bet you didn’t know:

1) Peru::guinea pigs as Korea::dogs

2) Japan has a horror series called “Guinea Pigs” that has nothing to do with guinea pigs.

3) “In due time, you will learn how to outwit your guinea pig.” (Dude, if your guinea pig is smarter than you, I suggest you get a pet rock which will still probably add 1+0 faster than you)

Okay back to Britney Spears’ snatch. Sorry for the distraction… y’all.

Richard Simmons is such a diva on Letterman but he must have been in on the joke when his steamer went haywire. They added a plate underneath the thing that rigged the machine to blow. Dave keeps talking over him, says his steamer is too expensive, and then Simmons points out that Dave’s tie cost $125. It’s pretty amusing.

Amy Poehler, co-host of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, blasted coochie flashing celebrities this weekend during her live broadcast.

Speaking of Britney Spears, I’d just like to take a minute to address this latest trend, flashing your bizness while coming in, and or, leaving a limosine.

Ladies (read: Britney, Paris, and Lindsay, but especially Britney), you need to cool it. Nobody wants to see your baby factory. Look, I get it, I’ve been in this business for 65 years. I know how it works. Flashing Beav is part of the game. But if your gonna do it at least get paid for it…….

The point is, you guys are making Tara Reid look like Audry Hepburn. What’s next? Shots of stars pooping out of a window? And lastly, ladies, what’s up with all the deforestation going on down there? You need hair down there! It’s a backup system for underwear! Even when you’re showin’ it, you’re not really showin’ it! There was a time when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza. Then, it turned into an upside down John Waters mustache. Now, every girl is as smooth as Joey Lawrence’s head! Global warming? You decide. But remember, I always believe a woman’s nethers should be shrouded in mystery.

We have nothing more to add to this story. Amy has said it all, and hell yeah, we girls who wear panties agree. Way to go Amy Poehler! Represent.

SNL screencap image taken and captioned by Chic Mommy.

It looks like planned vag jokes at the upcoming Billboard awards hit too close to home for ‘ol wonky eye. She pulled out of hosting the event at the last minute due to supposed loyalty to her new friend and crotch-baring comrad, Britney.

Paris Hilton won’t joke about her peeps.

The hotel heiress canceled an appearance at next week’s Billboard Music Awards because she didn’t like the jokes written for her, according to a spokesman.

“It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers,” her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, said in a statement. “Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarassing about people she knows.”

Mintz said Hilton received a script Friday that contained material she found “objectionable.” Representatives for Hilton and the awards show could not come to an agreement about the script’s content so she decided to scrap the appearance, he said.

If only Paris could have read a few scripted jokes about Britney’s hairless beaver, she could have effectively distanced herself from the four totally deliberate incidents. Instead everyone now knows that Paris coached Britney on how to slip a lip. Unlike Paris and her drunken exposures, Britney no-pants looks like a redundant amateur. Paris is a lousy teacher and she should be ashamed.

Now we’ll have to hear those jokes coming from that Frankenstein guy from “Everyone Loves Raymond.” Surely his delivery will be better than Paris ever could have managed.

Here’s Paris at VH1’s “Big in 2006″ awards, which airs tonight. She won for “Big Outlaw,” proving that DUI does pay.

Thanks to Viv and White Trash Mom for this story.

Britney turned 25 on Saturday and had a little paparazzi pow-wow at Mr. Chows. She danced in the window in a too-short dress to let everyone know that she’s wearing those overpriced knickers she bought. Earlier in the day she went to the zoo with little Sean Preston. (Jayden James has yet to be seen, and if she was a cult member you know I would have been all over that and calling it a conspiracy.) After her well-documented dinner she was said to have headed to Hyde nightclub. The paparazzi websites don’t have pictures of that yet, but Paris definitely wasn’t at the zoo or at Mr. Chows. Where was she?

Paris was said to have bought a bunch of shit at Kitson and Kitson kids on Britney’s birthday, but when did she give it to her? Paris wasn’t seen with Britney on her birthday as far as I can tell. Is she disappointed in her prodigy?

What happened between Britney and Paris? Britney looks kind of sad in some of these candids, and seems like she’s stepping out with the help again.

Here’s an only tangentially related and incredibly good old school video from Public Image Limited called Disappointed. This is what I listened to in college, and I saw Johnny Lydon perform it live in a small club in Buffalo, NY:

And here are a bunch of pictures taken on Britney’s birthday. Thanks to Celebrity Puke, Splash News and Flynet for these pics. X17 will not let you use shit.

Update: Paris was out at the same club as Britney on her birthday night, but all might not be well in their friendship. Paris went to the club separately with her own friends and did not start hanging out with Britney until Paris made it a point to go over to her and say hello. They did seem chummy afterwards, but did not leave together. Justin Timberlake was also at the club that night, and hung out with his own entourage.

Another update: Now TMZ is saying that they held hands all night and that Paris dumped Kim Kardashian for Britney. Who can keep up with these two?

I really hope this is one of those made up quotes and that Gwyneth didn’t actually say this. It sounds really arrogant and more than a little ignorant.

Oscar-winning US actress Gwyneth Paltrow feels dinner talk is far more interesting in her adopted homeland Britain than back in her native country.

“I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America. People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner,” she told “NS,” the weekend magazine supplement of daily Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias on Saturday.

“I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans,” the 34-year-old added.

It seems too obnoxious even for Gwyneth and I would be surprised if it’s an accurate quote.

Header picture is of Gwyneth at the Prince’s Trust Gala on 11/15 and is from Saving Face forum.

- Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears will be starring in a remake of “The Witches of Eastwick.” Who is going to be the Jack Nicholson character - Brandon Davis? Didn’t he sleep with all of them anyway? [The Independent via Fark]

- There’s going to be yet another “Beverly Hills Cop” movie, it will be number four, and yes Eddie Murphy is in talks to star in it. [Ain't it Cool News]

- And there’s news of a sequel that might actually be good. George Clooney is set to star in a movie based on the final novel in the “LA Confidential” crime book series. He’s to play a corrupt police lieutenant in “Jazz.” [Hollywood Reporter]

Mega star Justin Timberlake is performing at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show to air on December 5th. Timberlake will be singing his sexy hit songs while the hot Victoria’s Secret models strut the catwalk. The fashion show (almost naked women show) is on Tuesday, December 5th on CBS.

At least someone on stage will be wearing clothes.

Note from Celebitchy: I don’t know about you, but these pictures just make me want to work out at the gym for two hours and buy new underwear afterwards. I guess that’s what they’re going for.

Here are pictures from the show, which was taped about two weeks ago. Thanks to CBS and PopSugar for these pictures.

Jennifer Garner claims she’s in the worst shape ever and that her trainer is ashamed. I know she’s just trying to be honest and make the rest of us feel better, but she’s not doing herself any favors by making it sound like she’s a size 12, not a six. She says “Oh, it’s more like an eight,” but look at her - she’s a small six.

She seems to be a little embarassed by the old rumor that she was pregnant when she didn’t shed her baby weight right away and was spotted out in floaty tops. I’m sorry for perpetuating that rumor, especially now that she feels compelled to tell everyone how out of shape she is while denying that she’s pregnant again. Garner, come on, you’re hot.

“I’m in the worst shape ever,” the size 6-8 (”definitely more an 8″) actress, 34, tells Elle magazine in its January issue. “My trainer just shakes her head and says, ‘This is a disaster.’ ”

Though she kicked butt as the star of Alias and Elektra, these days, she says, “I am as physically unfit as I’ve probably been in my whole life. It’s such a horror in front of the mirror with no clothes on.”

Lifting her sweater to reveal her midriff, she says, “You still have that little bit of extra skin, know what I mean? But still, it’s enough for people to think that you’re knocked up.”

She adds: “No, everyone calm down. Nobody’s pregnant” – although Affleck recently told Ellen DeGeneres he would love to have more kids.

For now, Garner has her hands full with one baby. Violet “is saying ‘ee-i-ee-i-o’ – and ‘mama!’ ” boasts Garner, who says having a baby didn’t wreak havoc in her marriage.

It’s possible this interview is from like 6-8 weeks ago when she was maybe seven pounds heavier, but still I wish I was in as bad shape as Garner. I can relate to what she’s saying, and in a way it’s nice to know that even super-fit Hollywood moms are insecure about their bodies. On the other hand it kind of makes me feel like crap. She does deserve a lot of credit for doing it the right way and not getting super-skinny right away.

Here are cute pictures of Jen and Violet celebrating Violet’s first birthday out at a restaurant with the nanny. She was out at Amici in Brentwood and gave some presents to Violet there. Ben was not out with them, but they probably had another celebration with the whole family back at home.

Pictures from Flynetonline via Just Jared.

I thought this was a joke when I first read it on aggregate news engine WeSmirch (from which I get a lot of stories - props to them.) Page Six is claiming the “biggest proof” that Nicole Kidman is trying to get pregnant is the fact that she’s sporting bangs now. She was said to be pregnant for like the past year for various reasons, so I thought they were being funny, but no, The Post says that it’s evidence she’s laying off the Botox to prepare her body for pregnancy. Bangs are the newest hair trend, couldn’t that be the reason she changed her style?

NICOLE Kidman is not pregnant - yet. She’s said to be trying with her husband, country crooner Keith Urban, even though Urban is still in the Betty Ford Clinic. The biggest proof Kidman is trying to conceive is her latest haircut: She just got bangs to hide her forehead. As a Hollywood insider said, “If Nicole is pregnant or trying to get pregnant, she will have to stop all Botox treatments like Courtney Cox Arquette did when she was pregnant. It would show most on her forehead.” A rep for Kidman didn’t return emails.

Kidman told reporters at the “Happy Feet” premiere that she wanted to have a bunch of kids running around and her hair flowing down to her waist on a tropical island like in some Gauguin painting. I thought that quote was made up because it sounded pretty hackneyed, but who knows.

Meanwhile Keith Urban, Nicole’s husband of five months, is out of rehab. Now they can focus on that pregnancy that all the tabloids are rooting for:

Country singer Keith Urban is out of rehab and has reunited with his wife of five months, actress Nicole Kidman, Us reports exclusively. The couple had brunch on Sunday at the Polo Lounge in Los Angeles.

They were last seen together on November 12, outside of the Betty Ford Center in Palm Springs, where Urban was being treated for alcohol abuse.

Urban had been in the in-patient rehabilitation program since October 19 and was expected to stay there for 35-40 days. Urban’s rep said the singer is “still undergoing treatment.”

Pictures are of Kidman at an Omega event in Geneva, Switzerland. She does look to have gained a little weight and looks healthier. Pictures found at Saving Face Forum and from Celebrity Nation.