More excerpts from Snooki’s mind numbing new book

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Snooki once told a reporter for the NY Times that she’d only read two books in her life, Dear John and Twilight. The orange wonder can add one more book to that list, because her new work of “fiction,” A Shore Thing, is out in stores today. I got a sample on iBooks and it’s just as bad as advance quotes and common sense would lead you to believe. Although Snooki told E! News she wrote the book herself, that doesn’t seem to be the case. In the acknowledgments section, she thanks her “collaborator,” writing “Thank you so much to Valerie Frankel, my collaborator, who helped translate my ideas onto the page.” The book is about a character named “Gia,” who is basically Snooki, and her cousin, who rent a “Seaside Heights beach house/dump” over the summer and try to get laid. It’s a vapid read with too many stupid details and a plot that’s lifted straight from Jersey Shore. My eyes started glazing over and my mouth was hanging open a few pages in. Here’s a segment where Gia tries to pick up a guy at a club.

A hot guido was staring at her – in a nice way – from across the room.

Gia smiled at him. His back against the wall, he stood just off the dance floor, thumb in a belt loop. His chest muscles strained the fabric of his black tank top. It fit across a tummy that was hard and flat enough to cut salami on. No tattoos, which meant plenty of empty space on his arms to ink PROPERTY OF GIA. He started as if he could see through her dress, right down to the zebra-print bra and thong set underneath.

“I found him,” Gia said to Bella, draining her Slippery Nipple in one long suck…

Right at that moment, a Deadmau5 mix came on. He was her fave; it was a sign. She stepped onto the dance floor. The music took her over. Dancing had to be Gia’s second favorite way to work up a sweat. It definitely beat going to the gym. For exercise, Gia cranked house music in her bedroom and danced until her legs felt numb. She loved dancing and was talented, too. Gia won a contest while in high school for shaking it the longest and hardest without spilling a single drop of her vodka tonic.

Tonight, she aimed her gyrating hips straight at Salami Boy. The guy could take a hint. In two seconds, he creeped over to her. In five seconds, they were grinding, her butt pressed against his thighs.

She turned around to introduce herself. “I’m Gia,” she screamed in his ear above the music.

“Rocky,” he said, putting a bear paw on her waist and holding her against him.

Rocky in his jeans, thought Gia.

Even in the dark room, his blue eyes dazzled Gia. Ice blue. Something about light eyes on dark skin always made Gia’s body temperature rise. The music was too loud to talk, not that it mattered. Gia wasn’t interested in making a deep soul connection. Tonight was all about the three D’s: Drinking, Dancing, and Duh.

“Are you from around here?” she yelled.

“You got a nice rack,” screamed Rocky in reply.

Well, yeah, she thought. Okay, not a supergenius. That was fine. Gia didn’t judge. She was glad he approved.

“Come here,” he said, lifting her off her heels to bring her lips to his. She had to wrap her legs around his hips to stay up there. Here we go, thought Gia. Twenty minutes from club entry to hookup. This might be a record, even for her.

“Bitch, get away from him!” pealed a shrill voice from behind.

Bony fingers grabbed Gia’s shoulder and yanked her out of Rocky’s arms. She hit the floor on her heels like a cat, but then stumbled and landed on her ass embarrassingly. A few guys stared, jaws unhinged, at her sprawled on the dance floor. One started drooling.

“Oops,” she said, realizing her dress was pushed up around her waist. Full-frontal thong exposure….

Gia met the eyes of the seething blonde bimbo who’d thrown her to the floor. The girl’s arms were in battle position, ready to go. Rocky stood behind her, grinning as innocently as a choirboy.

The blonde lowered her arms suddenly. “Gia friggin’ Spumanti.”

“Oh my freakin God,” said Gia. “Linda Patterson.”

[From Shore Thing]

It goes on, and Linda and Gia were co-captains of the cheerleading team in high school and had a falling out or something before this fated meetup in a seedy club where Gia snagged Linda’s Neanderthal boyfriend. There were plenty of lines in the excerpt that made me roll my eyes, and a couple that were funny, maybe unintentionally so. Like these:

Trouble shouldn’t be his nickname, thought Bella. It should be tattooed on his forehead.

Gia said, ‘The club will not run out of tequila before I get my hair right. So shut the f*ck up‘”

“‘But we’re hot girls,’ Gia pointed out. ‘We don’t need to pay for anything.‘”

I’ll spare you more detail. You get the point, but no one expected a masterpiece. I just hope that this POS book doesn’t sell at all. It doesn’t need a sequel or a movie version, although Snooki might be counting on it. She told E!’s Mark MalkinI feel like it could definitely be a movie.” And I feel a spontaneous hangover coming on. That’s what I think of when I see Snooki, hangovers, spray tans and clouds of Aquanet. The details of her numbingly boring life don’t interest me, but I’ve never been able to watch Jersey Shore either.

Photos credit: WENN.com

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59 Responses to “More excerpts from Snooki’s mind numbing new book”

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  1. Kiki says:

    Would people really buy this?

  2. brin says:

    I don’t think she read it or wrote it, but I know I won’t be reading it.

  3. Cynical Gal says:

    And the 2011 Nobel Prize for Literature is awarded to Snooki!

  4. Sarah says:

    Sadly, this book will probably sell far too many copies. The general population consists of brain dead sheep. They’ll eat this up.

  5. Bubbling says:

    AHAHAHAHA!!! That seriously made my day!!!

  6. Eileen says:

    If this thing makes the NY Times list-isn’t that the last sign of the apocalypse?

  7. wonderful says:

    “A few guys started, jaws unhinged, at her sprawled on the dance floor. One started drooling.”

    That was the best part. It’s like the world’s most conceited 11 year old wrote it.

  8. Celebitchy says:

    @Wonderful – that’s supposed to say “stared” – I’ll fix it!

  9. Rasputina says:

    OH MY GOD I so need to read this. Thanks for sharing, CB. Horrible literature just so happens to be my guiltiest pleasure.

  10. kiko says:

    god somebody should kill mtv…

  11. Ferguson. says:

    I just cant believe it.
    Please tell me it’s a joke. I knew she had a book coming out but this is too much. The worst part is, a lot of people will buy it.

    the world is going crazy -as if we didnt already know-

  12. Rasputina says:

    Well, if a lot of people didn’t buy it, how else would they be able to learn to make a difference between good and bad literature? If they loathe it, mission accomplished, if they love it, well, those people were idiots to start with. Chill out.

  13. brin says:

    If you hear a loud rumble, it’s Jane Austen & the Bronte sisters rolling over in their graves.

  14. Whatever says:

    “Thank you so much to Valerie Frankel, my collaborator, who helped translate my ideas onto the page.”
    *****************

    If I were Valerie, I’d sue her oompa loompa ass for putting my name anywhere on that shit. Nice to see the publishing industry whoring itself out to no talent losers and publishing more unreadable crap. Thanks for that.

  15. dread pirate cuervo says:

    OMG!!! Trash overload! They had clips of this on Morning Joe. One was about some dude’s abs & how she could drink a shot out of his navel without getting splashed in the face. The other was about her “badonk.” It’s too early in the AM for this ish!!!

  16. Isabel says:

    Oh what the fuck is this!??! For real????

  17. TaylorB says:

    “Thank you so much to Valerie Frankel… who helped translate my ideas onto the page.”

    Poor Valerie, that must have been harder than translating 3000 year old worn down heiroglyphs.

  18. teehee says:

    Because imitation is the sincerest form of mockery:

    Short sentences.
    Incomplete sentences.
    As though that made things more dramatic and meaningful.
    Because they aren’t.

    *bows* Thank you, thank you.
    I hope this entire book isnt filled with 3-6 word ‘sentences’, all ending in periods…

  19. SoulLovah says:

    What a great gag gift for somebody…

  20. hellen says:

    Gag gift? Yeah, they’d gag on it, all right.

  21. Str8Shooter says:

    If dumb-twat Sarah Palin can ‘write’ a book, any other moron can.

    Case in point.

  22. LT says:

    I honestly couldn’t read that entire excerpt. How does this crap get to be called a novel?! Guido word disaster yes, novel no.

  23. original kate says:

    snooki’s web of awfulness is expanding into the publishing world?

    *bangs head slowly against wall*

  24. Kristin says:

    I may be the lone reader on Celebitchy that feels this way….BUT

    After watching seasons 1-2 of Jersey Shore, I really, really like Nicole. She is actually a pretty refreshing character, and she’s not the typical super-skinny-entitled-girl. She has a great view on herself as “Sexy” and “cute” even though I’m sure others try to tear her down because of her weight and height. I love her :)

  25. Samigirl says:

    ““Come here,” he said, lifting her off her heels to bring her lips to his. She had to wrap her legs around his hips to stay up there. Here we go, thought Gia. Twenty minutes from club entry to hookup. This might be a record, even for her.”

    ——————————————
    …Well, it’s OBVIOUSLY a work of fiction. I seriously doubt this has ever happened to her. Uch.

  26. Fishlips says:

    BWAAAAAAA!!!!
    The comments seriously lifted my spirits on this cold, gloomy day. Thanks, CB community!!!

  27. I Choose Me says:

    Folks, what you’ve just read is one of the most insanely idiotic things put in print. At no point in that rambling, vapid excuse for prose was there anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this site is now dumber for having read it. I pray for amnesia to erase the last three minutes, and may God have mercy on our souls.

    - shamelessly purloined from Billy Madison with a few edits.

  28. The Bobster says:

    And I thought any book coming from the orange squatster would come with crayons.

  29. jover says:

    Second that fishlips – is there even such a thing as the publishing industry anymore; next up, the love stories of our sanitation crew for my street – at least those stories will include real stench. Yes, mtv, and all its bastard progenies need killed, mtv has to be a huge tax write-off for its parent company, what else is keeping it on?

  30. asiont says:

    salami boy – a really nice nickname

  31. December says:

    I felt my IQ dropping rapidly as I attempted to read these excerpts…except I couldn’t finish after the second paragrah. I would have had the IQ of an amoeba.

  32. Katija says:

    This little girl should be on her knees every single night thanking God that she isn’t a hostess at Red Lobster as fate would have predicted she would be. I have no problem with Celebutards who are at least SOMEWHAT star-worthy – Can’t deny that Paris and Kim are at least pretty. But this girl is so ugly on the inside and out and so devoid of ANY talent that it’s a wonder she’s been around as long as she has been.

    And as someone who interned in publishing and once planned on making a career of it, shame on the literary agents and publishers who made this book happen. Shame on you big time.

  33. lemon drops says:

    This is like the opposite of the whole james fry controversy. They’re both wayyy too conceited for nothing though.

  34. Sasha says:

    Suddently?

    That excerpt is horrible!

  35. poeboy says:

    What kind of high school has a shaking it contest where the contestants hold a vodka tonic? One I wish I had gone to, that’s what kind.

  36. Katija says:

    @poeboy

    What kind of high school has a “shaking it” contest period?

  37. Eric says:

    Why do we keep giving this retarded Oompa Loompa press time?

  38. Faye says:

    She probably had a voice recorder on and just blathered on into it and then had it written down into a “novel.”

    I mean, at least she had the decency not to write a “memoir” because then it would be implying that something in her silly little world held something of value that we should read. At least with fiction it reduces that sense of self importance. Though why bother writing a memoir when your life is splashed across the television and tabloids for all to see?

    And now I’m blathering on. This is probably why I’ll never get my trashy sex novels published.

  39. boo says:

    @ poeboy:
    was gonna say the same thing. if we all had contests like that at high school, i might have actually had some school spirit.
    snooki means well, but she should just go away. and just think, season 3 starts on thursday.
    brace yourselves!

  40. Nate says:

    This book is hilarious. I wouldn’t buy it because I could barely get through those few gross paragraphs which is the same reason I can’t watch that show but wow the decrepidness of that writing puts Hunter S Thompson to shame. It’ll sell like hot cakes to the dumbs that think its cool and the pricks that think its funny.

  41. Steveo says:

    The release date was ill-timed. It should have come out a month ago for gag Christmas gifts. Would have sold a lot more units. BTW, there will of course be an audience for this, the same individuals with insufficient intelligence who watch this TV show. What a sad day for America when shows like Jersey Shore get air time, and books like this get published. As a country we are definitely on the decline.

  42. wunderkindt says:

    I think I lost a few IQ points from reading that excerpt. This is amazing: I can actually feel myself getting dumber now . . . So when’s that next bus to Jersey?

  43. As much as I hate the fact that this literal troll exists, this article is doing nothing more than continuing to keep it in the public mind. Can’t we all agree to just ignore this waste of flesh and anything to do with it? Please?

  44. Emily says:

    I don’t want to spend money on this, but fuck me I want to read it.

    Also, it’s hilarious that the character’s surname is Spumanti-in Australia, we have a very cheap, VERY nasty wine called that. The kind of wine you drink in high school cause you can’t afford anything nice and you don’t know any better. Very appropriate.

  45. fizXgirl314 says:

    lol…literature at its finest… but seriously, this is probably utter drivel but might be fun to read just for its kitsch value…

  46. @Emily- I’ve had the pleasure of drinking Spumanti- that made me laugh. I too want to read this.

    I think this will be something I read to destress at the end of the day. And now it’s time to remember where I put my library card…

  47. Nibbi says:

    it seems to me like you guys are all missing the boat: she clearly seems to be making fun of herself- i mean the whole thing is totally tongue-in-cheek and goofy, it almost makes me like her for it, like she’s making fun of herself. gia spumanti? …

    … on the other hand, i’ve never seen the show, never heard her speak, and i live in france- i keep up on american, er, “culture” mostly via this website, so what do i know ;) ;)

  48. Madeline says:

    I’m with Kristin on this one. Sure, she’s ridiculous and a self parody but there is something oddly endearing about her all the same.

    That being said, I’ve read more profound (and accurately spelled) literature on bathroom walls — and it’s going to sell like hotcakes. Whoever said they should have released it before Christmas was right on the money. They would have sold millions of the things. Whatever else she is, the girl isn’t stupid. She’ll make a fortune: ANOTHER fortune.

  49. CeeCee says:

    we can say all we want about her, she is laughing all the way to the bank because so many f*cktards in the world will eat this shit up with a spoon. I would rather die mediocre and with dignity personally

  50. Zelda says:

    Topic differences aside, this has the same quality of writing as a Dan Brown novel.

    So yeah, POS sums it up.

  51. Celebitchy says:

    @Sasha – Suddently is a typo! I had to transcribe this from the digital book so there may be some minor errors. It’s fixed now, thanks.

  52. bored says:

    Ha! Hilarious. Maybe she means it to be funny? I’ve never seen this Shore show so I don’t really know who this Snookie character is.

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