This photo, above, is maybe one of my favorite photos of Gwyneth Paltrow ever. I want to know what that expression is. My interpretation: “OH NOES! PEASANTS!!!” CB and I talked about doing a caption contest for it. You guys can help yourselves if you’d like!
Anyway, these are some new photos of Madame Goop yesterday, at a “book signing, for peasants” in which Goop looked kind of rough and she deigned to meet some designated members of Her Public. I know we’ve been doing a lot of Gwyneth stories lately, but in our defense, The Insufferable One has been all over the place lately to promote her book, and nearly every elitist, verbal morsel that deigns to fall out of Our Queen’s lips is too delicious to pass up. Over the past few days we’ve covered her Self cover, and her interview in USA Today. We all had a good time laughing at her (because we are peasants and do not fully understand her), but now something has changed.
What has changed, you may ask. I shall tell you, my peasant friends. Remember how earlier this week, the news came out that Gwyneth was going to be appearing on Glee yet again? Only this time, she was going to be covering… Adele. Here’s the song, as song by Adele:
Beautiful, right? Gorgeous voice, soulful, sad, chill-inducing with raw emotion, beauty and authenticity. Take a moment and enjoy it, because Adele is just that amazing. And because in about 30 seconds, you’re going to have a rage stroke. Here’s Gwyneth covering the Adele song:
Nasal, contemptuous, horrible. Gwyneth sang a gorgeous song like she was doing Katy Friggin’ Perry. I want to slap the hell out of Gwyneth and scream “Your voice is not as strong as you think it is! STFU!!!”
Oh, but that’s SO not all. Gwyneth also gave a nauseatingly smug interview to PopEater yesterday. You can read the whole thing here, but here are some of my favorite (insufferable) parts:
On the rumors she’s boning Matthew Morrison & starting a food magazine: “Matthew’s become a really good friend of mine. It’s funny the press like to write things. They say I’m starting a food magazine, but it’s like the truth is I don’t have time to get a blow dry, how am I going to start a food magazine? It’s like I was out, I was out at a dinner with six people. They have to fill up all these pages. You know what? You’ll see me out for dinner with Matt Morrison again, he’s a great friend. I adore him. You have to just live your life.”
On why she thinks some people hate her: “My theory is twofold. I think there’s a part of me that because I think I do a lot, I think my work ethic is the reason why I’m successful. I think that a lot of people don’t want to put in effort and it’s easier to not change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out. [They're just] pissed off at someone else doing that. Everything in my life that’s good is because I worked my ass off to get it and to maintain it. I also think, for example, like Mario Batali used to make fun of me all the time if I had soy milk in my coffee or if I was doing a cleanse or something. He used to grill me like, “Oh what are we eating? Squeezed out asparagus and seaweed?” And now he’s the one doing a cleanse and having almond milk. I think people mistake me trying to be the best version of myself for me telling them you’re not, or they just think well, what does that make me then, you annoying f**king person on the soapbox. But I can’t please everybody, all I can do is focus on the people who seem to appreciate what I do and put into the world. I’ll just do what I’m doing because, especially now, we live in a world now where everybody is able to express their opinion.”
More about her haters: “It’s a projection. Sometimes if I hear of something really unkind or somebody’s really misunderstood me or something like that for a second I’ll be like, “Oooh wow that hurt,” but almost immediately I’ll be like, “poor guy.” What state are they in that they’re seeing that or projecting that.”
PopEater calls her perfect: “It’s funny because I’m so not. Of course, some of it is luck. My parents had money and they sent me to a good school, but it’s like, what do you choose to do with that? You can rely on that and not do anything with it or you can say, “How am I going to justify that good fortune? How am I going to say my parents didn’t waste their money on me?” I just think I’m really all about hard work and I honestly feel like anyone can have or do what they want as long as they put their mind to it.”
So, in case you needed a reminder, every time you have a giggle about what a smug, insufferable cold fish Gwyneth is, she feels sorry for you and your small, imperfect peasant life. Speaking of making fun of her, she’s getting really good at dodging and talking around questions about her marriage, right? I also love how one second she’s talking about HARD she works and how grueling it all is and how peasants don’t understand how she suffers, and the next minute she’s reminding us of the privileged life she’s lived and how she’s never really struggled for anything. Stick to a talking point for us dumb peasants, Goop.
Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.