Lindsay Lohan ‘thinks everyone is insanely jealous of her’, wants a TV show

I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement yesterday… I knew I made the right decision to simply block out the horrible premiere of Liz & Dick. It probably would have given me a rage-stroke. I probably would have become a crackhead just from watching it, like the crackiness was airborne or something. Anyway, Lindsay’s turn as a bloated, crack-faced Elizabeth Taylor was universally panned. And I do mean UNIVERSALLY. Everyone thought she was awful. Except for Michael Lohan, but he doesn’t count. Vagina-kickers NEVER count. But surely we’re forgetting one other person too, right? Yes, Lindsay thought her performance as Elizabeth Taylor was nothing short of brilliant and epic and Oscar-worthy. She’ll probably try to parlay this Lifetime movie into an appearance at the Golden Globes. And Radar says she’s definitely trying to parlay this “success” into a TV show. I guess TLC is planning a Faces of Meth reality show…?

Even though critics raked Lindsay Lohan over the coals for her performance in the Lifetime television movie Liz & Dick, the former child actress is determined to star in her own television sitcom, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

“Lindsay has asked her manager and agent to look into getting her her own television sitcom,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com exclusively. “Lindsay feels that the small screen would be a great way for her to revitalize her acting career and that a comedy would be the best bet. Lindsay feels most comfortable doing comedy and it was Charlie Sheen that told her she should do it. Charlie told Lindsay that it was an easy way to make very good money and help her to get her movie career back on track. Lindsay is loving the idea of having her own sitcom and would love to play someone in a story based on her crazy life.”

As previously reported, the critics may have roundly panned her performance as Elizabeth Taylor in Liz & Dick, but Lindsay is finding one diehard fan in her father Michael.

After the web exploded with viewers making snide comments about LiLo’s turn as the iconic actress and humanitarian, the patriarch of the Lohan family took to Twitter to claim that “all the critics should find new jobs!

“They know nothing about @lindsaylohan talent! She has more talent in her pinky then all of them together,” the proud dad tweeted. “You proved the critics wrong @LindsayLohan you are one of the best, so gifted, so amazing! Now apply it ALL! God bless you! And our family!”

Meanwhile, the comedy community got an early Christmas gift with the LiLo film, as many took to Twitter to contribute their snarky insights on her supposed comeback project.

Dane Cook: “I just realized Liz & Dick is on. No, I wasn’t watching it, but I can literally smell it.”

Morgan Murphy: “If you want to see something better than Liz & Dick, go to YouTube and search for ‘explosive diarrhea.’ … Liz & Dick has shown us all what it looks like when the girl who smokes in the parking lot gets cast as the lead in the high school play.”

However, “Lindsay isn’t fazed at all by the criticism. She thinks everyone is insanely jealous of her, and like it or not, she was trending on Twitter last night. Lindsay hopes that she could get her own television sitcom like Kirstie Alley did with Fat Actress. Lindsay admires what Kirstie did and wants to follow in her footsteps,” the insider says.

[From Radar]

Believe it or not, I don’t think the biggest problem is that the Cracken wants her own TV show – I mean, she’s delusional and money-hungry, so of course she wants her own TV show. What bothers me is that she thinks her life has “sitcom” potential. Dear Crackie: Your life a crack drama, not a sitcom. Your life is like Breaking Bad without the award-worthy acting. Your life is like The Wire, only without the brilliant writing. But most of all, your life is like a really awful reality show that never ends and has no real plot. Maybe National Geographic will do a “Crackies in the Mist” special. “This is the crackie in her natural habitat, the Marmont. Let’s watch as the crackie flaunts her rotting plumage to attract a wealthy mate. The crackie ‘presents’ herself by throwing a drink at a younger, more fertile crack interloper, then shrieks her crack-siren call.”

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

 

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111 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan ‘thinks everyone is insanely jealous of her’, wants a TV show”

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  1. Kate says:

    You know you’re life is bad when my father – who couldn’t tell Anjelina Jolie from Jennifer Aniston – has heard of you, you’re TV movie, and how much both suck.

  2. brin says:

    Delusion runs deep in the Cracken.

  3. Amelia says:

    :D
    Ha, “like the crackiness was airborne, or something”.
    Choking on a biscuit right now.

  4. Happyhat says:

    Seriously, I think that with the right writer, a Lohan TV show could be excellent. Obviously, it would be based on a vast amount of satire and irony that will somehow manage to work with her inability to act. Something like ‘The Office’? The shame would be that she would be oblivious to how the show actually works, and her delusions of grandeur may increase ten fold.

    On another note, she reminds me of those stories William Goldman told in ‘Adventures in the Screen Trade’ about actors in the 70′s who thought they were so amazing (and were) that they would literally go around the set putting things in their pockets that they liked and no one would say anything.

    Ages ago, I thought that we didn’t really have actors like that any more. Not of that ilk – perhaps the last of that kind was Jim Carrey in his ‘Cable Guy’ days. Or perhaps JLo? Now I think there are still actors like that, just not with the talent to back it up.

    • gg says:

      So she’s going to try and copy Charlie Sheen now? Get two sleazebags to move in with her and call them her “Adonises” and hold ditzy press conferences about how she’s got unicorn blood from Uranus? Please…

      • Happyhat says:

        Wasn’t Charlie Sheen good at one point? Like ‘Platoon’ and ‘Wall Street’.

        What I’d want would be some post-modern ironic comment on the nature of celebrity. What we’d get is what you describe, of course. A kind of “Meet the two and a half broke girls” dullard mess that Fox will cancel a good show to produce.

    • TQB says:

      Whether or not the show would be good doesn’t matter. TV shoots on a regular (and often grueling) schedule. You have to show up, on time, ready to work, every day, or the whole thing shuts down. No way Linds can pull it together enough to do even half a season.

      • StormsMama says:

        This
        Exactly.
        She couldn’t handle a tv show schedule.
        However lots of addicts- Charlie sheen and Matthew Perry for example- found it easier to stay on track on the wagon when they had a place to go every day.

        That all being said, I watched Liz and Dick and…I thought she was actually kind of good. I mean, not great but good. And she actually became someone else- not Liz Taylor- but she wasn’t LILO either.
        Listen, I think she’s a spoiled asshat — and no other female in Hollywood would get half as many comebacks — but men pull this crap (Robert Downey jr crawled into someone’s bed! while high) ALL THE TIME. And they can be entitled asshats and they never apologize. I’m not saying she’s worthy I’m just saying its nothing new in Hollywood.
        And while I can’t imagine a producer wanting to take the liability on –
        And she’s an awful misguided brat -
        I DO think people are being harsh about this particular performance unfairly. She did a good job.

        I know, I can’t believe I feel that way but I do.

  5. Incredulous says:

    She really is making all this Lohanging fruit, isn’t she?

  6. Jayna says:

    I read differently. Huffingtonpost did an article, and a friend of hers told them Lindsay is devastated by the reaction I guess from the reviewers and everybody. That no matter what she had always been respected for her acting and this reaction has depressed her, something like that.

    Re getting a TV series, it won’t happen. A three-to-four week shoot for Lifetime and she gets in a car wreck and another time they have to call medical personnel to go to her hotel, that she’s unconscious and not answering the door. No one will be able to deal with that.

    • NerdMomma says:

      Exactly. Everyone knows what a risk it is to tie her down for a couple of days of shooting. Scary Movie had to threaten a lawsuit and send a private plane just to get her to fulfill that contract. I don’t see how anyone could be crazy enough to center a sitcom around an actress this unreliable. Then again, I didn’t think Lifetime would be crazy enough to cast her in a film and it happened.

    • Lady D says:

      Really? She actually believes she is respected for her acting after her SNL debut? Damn the delusion is strong in this one.

  7. Samigirl says:

    As long as she’s not supposed to be English, it may work out! ;-)

  8. dorothy says:

    It’s true, I’m jealous. I wish I were a bloated, alcoholic with a drug problem, a rap sheet and several stints in rehab. Yep, it’s true…I’m insanely jealous!!

  9. Nanz says:

    She’d have to show up to work everyday for a tv show to work. Never going to happen.

  10. Sisi says:

    yes, people were so jealous, vindictive and mean of and to Lindsay, they fell asleep while watching.

  11. the original bellaluna says:

    Yes, Bloat-han, that’s it; we’re all just j3lous h8trs.

    Keep telling yourself that. Now, go have another bottle of vodka and 8-ball of Sea Jasper. I’m sure that’ll make you feel better.

  12. Micki says:

    I am jealous! Of all her stolen coats and clothes! Of the stolen jewellery and the nonexisting Oscar!
    I am truly green with envy!

  13. andy says:

    Blohan could do a guest appearance on Sons of Anarchy. She looks rough enough to play a biker chick.

  14. BamaGuy1024 says:

    Liz & Dick is so excruciatingly bad that I am unable to view it in one sitting. I just cannot believe Lifetime or the director or anyone was serious about casting Lindsay as Liz, this was all about the incredulity factor. What a disgrace to the memory of Elisabeth Taylor, all for ratings and to sell commercial time. And of course Lindsay is deluded about it.

  15. judyjudy says:

    “Crackies in the Mist”

    This is why I love Celebitchy!

  16. Britt says:

    Poor Lindsay, she’s got it bad for herself hasn’t she!

    I can just imagine her father “oh my darling Lindsay, so proud of you, I’ll visit you soon, as soon as I snort this coke up my nose. What’s that darling, you are out of coke you say? Never mind my sweet, I’ll bring some over for you”.

    Nothing like happy family crack heads huh…

  17. Nicolette says:

    Yes Lindsay, we are ALL so jealous of you. You know, from the eloquent way you light and smoke a crack pipe, to the way you make a mockery out of the judicial system, to your bloated and haggard face, to your driving abilities, to your penchant for stealing jewelry, and to your stellar acting abilities displayed in “Liz & Dick”. Gosh! We just all wish we were more like you.

  18. Talie says:

    So funny that she thinks TV is somehow going to be easy. It’s not, it’s more of a grind than films…and she will not be able to keep up.

  19. lizzi says:

    The delusion runs strong in this one.

    I actually watched the whole Liz and Dick last night from start to finish when it re-ran on Lifetime. I enjoyed it for the pure hilarity, but had to be doing something else while watching because it got really boring.

  20. OhMyMy says:

    Lindsay, we already have a comedy show based on your life that runs regularly on the TMZ, Dlisted and Celebitchy channels just to name a few.

    This is a spin on the spaceship idea that’s been previously discussed on here:

    Why doesn’t Hollywood get together (maybe solicit public donations) and build a big Trumanesque installation on a remote island. Lindsay can party her ass off to her heart’s content, star in all the movies, do red carpets, get all the Oscars and awards. Ali can be a supermodel, her brothers can be a rockstar and a surfing champion. Dina and Michael can give interviews and develop their own reality shows.

    We all can just log in and watch remotely when we want to and we won’t have to be bothered with them on a daily basis.

    • Happyhat says:

      This!

      Also, she’ll be less of a danger to pedestrians.

      I could think of a few people that could do with joining her in her Truman dome.

    • the original bellaluna says:

      I’d like to round up the Lohans and the Kartrashians (and just about every other reality show fame-ho), tell them there’s a NEW show on an island, and drop them off (by boat) on Palmyra Island.

      (Palmyra is a hostile, uninhabited island south-west of Hawaii, close to the Equator, that the US military tried to use to maintain a base during WWII. It’s only accessible by boat in one place, a space in the surrounding reef. It’s population consists of birds, land crabs, and bugs; the lagoon is full of tiger sharks [and other types] but you can fish in it; when the tide is low, you can cross the lagoon on a little sand bridge – don’t even think it during regular or high tide; and there’s no electricity or running water.)

      Under those conditions, they’d all frizz, freckle, and fry in no time flat. THAT would be some Must See TV!

      • Veruca says:

        That would definitely be worth the price of popcorn?

      • Macscore says:

        Brilliant, Bella – Blohan’s contribution will be fermenting coconut milk, smoking dried palm leaves, anything to get a buzz…

      • Lisa Marconi says:

        Book about murder on Palmyra:
        http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/431321.And_the_Sea_Will_Tell

        ALONE WITH HER NEW HUSBAND on a tiny Pacific atoll, a young woman, combing the beach, finds an odd aluminum container washed up out of the lagoon, and beside it on the sand something glitters — a gold tooth in a scorched human skull. The investigation that follows uncovers an extraordinarily complex and puzzling true-crime story. Only Vincent Bugliosi, who recounted his successful prosecution of mass murderer Charles Manson in the bestseller Helter Skelter, was able to draw together the hundreds of conflicting details of the mystery and reconstruct what really happened when four people found hell in a tropical paradise. And the Sea Will Tell reconstructs the events and subsequent trial of a riveting true murder mystery, and probes into the dark heart of a serpentine scenario of death.

      • the original bellaluna says:

        Lisa Marconi – I read it! (How do you think I know so much about Palmyra?) ;)

        It’s a long book, and there’s a lot of trial stuff and legalese, but it really peaked my interest about Palmyra, so I looked into the island.

        Also, Mac and Muff were from my native San Diego. It was Muff’s skull that was found, and those boxes were munitions boxes abandoned by the military when they left the island. Mac has never been found. They tried floating theories that Mac killed Muff and “disappeared” himself, but that theory never flew. (Muff had a bad feeling about their trip sailing all over the place, and called her sister crying, telling her she didn’t want to go. But Muff loved Mac and Mac loved sailing, and go they did.)

    • Reading comments like these makes me think that “The Hunger Games” might be an actual possiblility in the near future… Creepy.

  21. Bonfire Beach says:

    I just can’t with her. What gets me the most is the sense of entitlement she has. The world owes her everything and anything and whenever something goes wrong in her life it’s always someone else’s fault.

    Her delusion is another thing. Of course anyone who criticizes her must be jealous because how can she possibly be criticized for anything?

    God, I hate her. Entitlement and delusion in one cracked-up package.

  22. Beatrice Sparkplug says:

    There was something on the Liz & Dick live blog at Pajiba that was spot on: Lindsay Lohan seems to not have gotten the memo that she’s been ‘thoroughly’ replaced by Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence. She should have gotten this years ago. It should have been directly communicated to her then, by any means possible, rather than countless greedy sycophants stroking her ego and filling her with delusions of talent and greatness so they could get a piece of whatever she’s offering. She’s a washed-up child actor — join the club, there are tons of you. She’s a sad and icky character. Where’s the comedy in that? Who would want to see her destroyed face and body and listen that grating voice on a weekly basis?

  23. Lake mom says:

    Just how much of a bottom does she have to hit before reality sets in?

    But then again, since we have the Kartrashians and people like Doug and Courtney on tv now, she probably will get a series on TLC or something.

  24. Shy says:

    What the hell did she do to her face? IT DOESN’T MOVE. She WAS acting in Mean Girls. She had different face expressions. Here in Liz and Dick she had one face expression throughout the entire movie. She tried to look sad and happy. But her face did not move.

    There goes her hope for a career. I understand that she looked at Charlie Sheen and thought it will work for her. And who knows. If Liz and Dick would be monster in ratings then some cable channel like FX would want to capitalize on it and give her sitcom like they did to Sheen.

    But problem is that ratings were ordinary. Steel Magnolias had 3 millions viewers more. SNL miracle didn’t happened. People turned once to see how bad she will be and weren’t fooled twice. I’m sure that many viewers turned off after 20 minutes because they were bored.

    Sadly Liz and Dick was not funny-bad. It was boringly-bad.

  25. claire says:

    How did she ever get the reputation for being a great actress anyhow? She basically did Parent Trap and Mean Girls before she became a crack monster – not exactly practice Oscar material right there.

  26. Blue says:

    Maybe National Geographic will do a “Crackies in the Mist” special. “This is the crackie in her natural habitat, the Marmont. Let’s watch as the crackie flaunts her rotting plumage to attract a wealthy mate. The crackie ‘presents’ herself by throwing a drink at a younger, more fertile crack interloper, then shrieks her crack-siren call.”

    Lmao, that had me choking on my apple juice.

  27. bettyrose says:

    I finally watched L & D last night, with my pup curled up on my lap and my man as far out of earshot as our small home will allow. There’s really not much left to be said about it (except, if they didn’t constantly announce her age, I would have thought she was consistently playing a 50 year old Liz throughout the movie).

    But I really don’t know much about Liz Taylor. Horrible production aside, the script was not too flattering, so maybe some of the Liz fans here can set it straight: Did she really cheat with a married Eddie Fisher, get him to leave his wife, then cheat on him with a married Richard Burton, and get him to leave his wife? Did she then use her Hollywood clout to edge out other actresses from films starring Burton to keep him from cheating on her? Wow.

    • fabgrrl says:

      Yes, Elizabeth Taylor did all of that. And more. And everyone *still* loved her.

    • the original bellaluna says:

      Eddie Fisher was married to Debbie Reynolds, and she did indeed cheat with him. She then cheated with and married Richard, 9 days after her divorce from Eddie.

      Richard Burton was married to Sybil Williams (and they had 2 kids), and they divorced about 3 months prior to his marriage with Elizabeth.

      A saint she was not. But she WAS an otherwise classy woman, and a fine actress. She also redeemed herself, and was a true humanitarian. She was at the forefront of the AIDS charity movement.

      Blohan WISHES.

    • Jayna says:

      She married two men very, very young, maybe late teens, early twenties (two boys from second marriage). Her great love was Michael Todd, a man 20 years her senior, very famous, I guess. She was 24 and madly in love. They had a grand love affair and six months after she had their baby he died in a plane crash she was supposed to on but stayed back sick. Devastated and grief-stricken she later at some point turned to Eddie and he left his wife for her. I don’t think she ever really loved him.

      Then, of course, the rest is history when she met Richard. During her marriage to Eddie they were in the process of adopting a little girl, Maria, from Germany. She continued on with the adoption after they separated. Richard adopted her little girl from Michael Todd and the little girl she adopted from Germany during their marriage.

      There’s a lot of info about her life on the internet.

      Married seven men, but eight times (twice to Richard). But Michael Todd and Richard Burton were the great loves of her life.

      One interesting thing I read about her that she was the nicest person on the set to everybody, no matter their job, and no ego on set; whereas, more actresses were very ego-driven regarding their parts and amount of lines and so forth. She had a lot of health problems and lived in pain a good portion of her life, with hundreds of hospitalizations and many, many operations.

      Unlike Lindsay, Liz was a very hard worker from a young age on all the way through adulthood. Like said above, she was a huge AIDS research activist. Any interview I saw later in her life all of her adult children adored her. She was a huge animal lover.

      • apsutter says:

        Lindsay did Liz a disservice in this movie. Liz was a kind hearted woman with a gentle soul who endured a lot of heartache. She lost the two loves of her life and not to mention that Conny Hilton beat the crap out of her when they were married. You can tell she was a cool gal just by the fact that no one ever spoke ill of her. Even Debbie Reynolds forgave her and said that she was proud of the good things that Liz had done during her life.

  28. Cathy says:

    Ahhh crackenmonster, we love you. Your antics make our day. You’re plain delusional you are. Time to find a good doctor and get on some medication.

  29. bns says:

    There’s not a chance in hell that she’s going to be able to revive her career at this point, especially now that her face is melting. She’s unreliable, difficult to work with, and she was never that talented to begin with. She was the teen queen and the ingenue, but she’s too old for that now. She’s done.

  30. Nilber says:

    I literally laughed till I cried when my husband watched the first 15 or so minutes. He was absolutely floored. He looked at me when a commercial break came on with wide eyes. He told me baffled, “I thought she was dead! How is she younger than us?!” He then went to the kitchen mumbling about crack is wack. It was definitely the highlight of my holiday weekend.

  31. Shelly says:

    She might actually be decent on a sitcom, however, there is NO WAY IN HELL she could deal with the grueling schedule that is television. I can’t even imagine who would even think to hire her for that. She would probably be late every day (if she showed up at all), act like a complete diva, etc., etc. Who would want to deal with that?!

  32. Kathryn says:

    I really wish people would stop giving her jobs. After Freaky Friday and Mean Girls she was in demand, and she let it all go so that she could party. She has had so many comeback attempts/chances and she hasn’t taken any of them seriously. If she was truly ready to use “Liz & Dick” as a vehicle for her comeback she could have done so (first she would actually have to be clean) but stop going out, stop partying and literally spend 24/7 reading her lines and using an acting coach. She doesn’t take anything seriously, and for her first real job in 4+ years she thought she could just waltz on to set and be brilliant. Also, I think had this just been some regular lifetime movie and not about such an icon, her performance would have been passable if she was just playing some made-up character. But she was set up to suck because she would be playing Liz Taylor, which absolutely everyone knows she can’t do.
    There are so many talented actresses/actors out there who are desperate to be discovered and letting Lindsay Lohan continue to work is ridiculous. She had her time. She had her chances. She f-ked them all up and everyone should just let her go.

  33. Shelly says:

    I really do think she should go the reality star route…it might work, lots of drama, drugs and nasty sex and the police, it’s ratings gold.

    • Silver says:

      right? the ironic thing is that just a few years ago, when Dina get her family the “Living Lohan” reality show all thanks to Lindsay’s fame, Dina wouldn’t let Lindsay appear on the show because that would have been “beneath” Lindsay. it would have lowered her star standing at the time to do reality tv. now seems like Lindsay would be lucky to get a guest spot on Dirty Jobs.

    • Bread and Circuses says:

      I agree; it’s the only thing she could be viable in.

      Cracken doesn’t need to be competent if the camera crew and editing team are. As long as she is given ZERO control over the content or how she is portrayed, the show could be epic and trashy-awesome.

  34. Kate says:

    I’m going to go ahead and say it: I will not at all be surprised if Lohan is nominated for a Golden Globe. Not out of merit, mind you, but this is just the kind of publicity stunt the Globes like to pull. She’ll get nominated, the buzz will be “what will Lindsay do” at a known drunk-fest of an awards show, and she will parlay all that attention into someone somewhere giving her a job. Gird your loins, ladies. It really might happen.

  35. Izzy says:

    Oh Lindsay, you are so right! I’m SOOOOOOO jealous of you! How I wish I had your pasty, drug-induced zombie complexion instead of my own natural light tan glow from living in the South year-round. How I long for your fishy lips that look like they’re about to jump off your face, as opposed to my own, which have nary a drop of collagen. How I yearn for crack-infested hair that is falling out, along with play-doh hair extensions, instead of my natural thick head of brown hair. I so desperately want to look like 26-going-on-50, as opposed to my 39-but-looks-about-30.

    OK, sorry, but that was FUN to write.

  36. kimcheee says:

    Since her comeback was a joke, that’s pretty good advice if she find someone to hire her. Charlie Sheen would be the perfect mentor to guide her through the Lohacalypse.

  37. hillbillyinthecorner says:

    That Emma gal think that first comment was bad she hasn’t read any of mine has see….LOL….
    Let me list all the things I’m jealous of Lindsay for ??/?????????????????????????????????
    Damn can’t think of one thing not one thing….even her age….I like my age my daughters like to take mother out and hang around now that they find both have experienced mothering teenagers and going through what I went through and realized mother is not the enemy…..and my grand kid’s love grandma cause she isn’t the enemy (mother) and I can do and say outrageous things and people chalk it up to old age………LOL…
    Nope she has got a thing I would be jealous off….
    And she gets a sitcom….or reality show about her life it will be based out of Merrick NJ and Mommie Dearest and the brothers and sister will be in it and Dina will finely get back on TV likes shes been trying for years…this TV show thing is pure Dina talking cause Lindsay is just to dam lazy to actually work a job that takes more then 8 hours….She couldn’t handle it…..

  38. WendyNerd says:

    This is the typical response stupid people have when they do something that sucks and it is criticized, especially if that person was considered attractive and/or popular at one point. “You’re just jealous because boys think I’m prettier than you!”

    Here’s the thing, once upon a time, I was jealous of Lindsay Lohan. Back in the “Parent Trap”, Disney, “Freaky Friday” and “Mean Girls” days. I remember thinking she was so pretty and so lucky and cool back when I was a kid/teen. But I didn’t hate her. I LOVED her. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to die my hair red and dress like her. I thought she was awesome.

    Now she’s one of the people I’d hate to be the most. She proved those days were flukes and fleeting. I wouldn’t be Lindsay Lohan for all the money on Earth. And I loathe her. Because she’s proved to be a despicable human being.

    To her, she’s blameless for everything. Since the reviews, she’s blamed the script (and this was after she talked about harassing the producers to give her the part after reading it), and now it’s because everyone is jealous. Just like the stolen necklace was the store’s fault. Or her assistant’s fault. Just like the car crash was her assistant’s fault. That it was because the cops are out to get her. Those wasn’t her pants, they were the black kid’s. Oh, and her drugging and copious alcohol consumption is because of her father.

    And that’s what makes her so loathsome to me. NOTHING IS EVER HER FAULT and she’s owed things. She’s special. People should give her things like movie roles and a TV show. Anyone who says anything negative about her is just jealous or out to get her. SHE’S A GREAT ACTRESS AND EVERYONE JUST WON’T LET HER BE GREAT.

    The people who I am jealous of, I usually really like. I really like Jennifer Lawrence, Ellen Paige, Meryl Streep, Rosario Dawson, Aisha Tyler, Tina Fey—– And I’m jealous of all of them. I love Anne Rice, Jane Austen, George RR Martin, Kathryn Bigelow, Joss Whedon, Shirley Jackson— And I’m jealous of all of them. I like the people I’m jealous of, because they do good work. They create things that are special. I’m jealous of their ability to do that. Now that I’m an adult, that’s the only thing I truly envy.

    So, I have nothing to envy in Lohan.

    You know what? A few stories ago, I posted this comment on Lohan on dlisted and TMZ, and it didn’t get the best response. But I
    m posting it here. It’s an open letter to Lohan, quite long, and speaks to her mindset.

    To the Greatest Actress/Designer/Writer/Director/Producer and Artist of Many Things of Our Time, Lindsay Dee Lohan,

    I know I’m just one of those people who are not you or anyone who has any money/jobs/jewelry/free hotel stays/drugs to offer you and therefore mean little in this grand scheme we call the universe. All I have are my words. These are for you.

    Lindsay, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that this mean old world is trying to destroy a precious, singularly talented, exceptional child-angel like you. There’s no one is this world who could have given us what you have and could give us someday ( IF PEOPLE COULD STOP BEING VICIOUS LONG ENOUGH TO ALLOW YOU TO GIVE MORE). I’m so sorry that people are so sick to expect you to obey the laws and cooperate with the justice system designed to keep us safe. Don’t they know that those things only exist to regulate those peons who were not only not in Mean Girls, but don’t have the ability to play a teenage girl in several other great works of cinematic history? Don’t they understand that being the tortured artist/beautiful child that you are that you can’t be expected to be held responsible for any so-called “crimes” you commit? People keep saying you should have gone to jail, but even being brought to the court in the first place is already a huge miscarriage of justice. Sure, you broke some laws. You know who else broke laws? ROSA PARKS. So what’s so great about laws, anyways? It’s so unfair.

    It’s so unfair that people expect you to show up for work on time. Don’t they know that the incredible depth and unique talent you bring to your roles is worth any wait? Yes, it does end up costing people time and money, but that money will be made up thanks to what a huge box office draw you are…. or, well, would be if people would just appreciate your GENIUS. Don’t worry, honey. You know who had a career lull? Katharine Hepburn. And she won four Oscars. Sure, that’s nothing compared to what you should have at this point (seriously, not even a nomination for Just My Luck? Proof of a conspiracy. Perhaps your father was behind it). I mean, yes, by comparison, Katharine is nothing, but she’s considered one of the greatest actors in history by those idiots who failed to appreciate you like I do, so I figured she’d be good to bring up. Please don’t be insulted.

    I know you’re on the eve of your darkest hour, which will no doubt have twenty whole minutes of it spent in jail, but don’t be disheartened. Yes, your latest projects are a Lifetime Movie and a Kickstarter piece. Yes, you aren’t able to command the same salaries as lesser talents like your old co-star Meryl Streep (who I am sure just benefited and learned so much from you on the set of Prairie Home Companion. She, Jamie Lee Curtis and Jane Fonda all claimed to reach out to you. HA. I think we both know it was the other way around. Seriously, working with you probably taught Meryl so much that really, every Oscar win and nomination she’s gotten since should really go to you as well, since you were doubtless so instrumental in her success. Just think of those noms/wins as yours as well. You deserve it). Yes, you aren’t making the millions (well, let’s be honest, BILLIONS) you deserve. But you know what? Van Gogh only sold one painting in his entire life. You’re like Van Gogh, Lindsay, a tortured artistic genius beaten down by a world incapable of appreciating or understanding you. He had Starry Night and Sun Flowers. You have Freaky Friday and I Know Who Killed Me.

    People give you such harsh words for trying to embody cultural icons such as Marilyn Monroe, Stevie Nicks, and most recently, Elizabeth Taylor. What they don’t understand is how wonderful such charitable endeavors are. Yes, some people see it as aping their image and trying to use them to prop up your own. But I get it. I get that what you’re really doing is merely trying to illuminate and enhance their memory so that their biographers can say “Even the Great Lindsay Lohan paid tribute to her.” You’re just using your greatness to keep their memory alive, sort of like when Paul McCartney pays tribute to Buddy Holly. Or like if Shakespeare time traveled to pay tribute to Jane Austen. That’s what you’re like when you embody these great but somewhat less great than you women. Like a time-traveling Shakespeare, desperately trying to educate the ignorant masses about somewhat lesser talents by lending his name to pay them tribute.

    Yes, you took things. Computers, designer clothes, fur, jewelry… But what I get is why. Not because you are a selfish brat with no sense of respect for others and a sense of entitlement bigger than the Milky Way Galaxy. No, you were blessing them. As Mary Magdalene was honored to wash Jesus’s feet with her scented oil, so should others be honored to have their things taken and used by you. You enhance everything you take with your brilliant essence. People might resent you for taking their things. But people often resent God for taking their loved ones. But the thing is, when something is stolen by you, it’s like when someone dies, it’s merely a great benevolent spirit taking something on to a better place. People should realize that yes, they may no longer have their rightful possessions, but that their possessions are in a better place when you take them, have gone on to better things, and realize what an honor it is to have owned something that you, you in all your brilliance and majesty, deigned worthy of you. As those who die are brought into the warm bosom of the Almighty, so was Marsha Markova’s fur coat brought into your warm bosom.

    Yes, there are times in your life where you almost killed people. But I think we’ve already established that death isn’t bad. The only thing you’re risking is bringing people more quickly into the bosom of God, the only one who can approach you in greatness. And how better to be brought to God than by the actions of the Alpha and Omega’s chief equal? What better death could be possible? Rather than relieved they are still on this Earth (this SICK, SICK EARTH THAT FAILS TO APPRECIATE YOU), they should be filled with bitter disappointment that they were not delivered into heaven by you, a piece of heaven on Earth.

    Yes, you lie. A lot. But you’re beyond the bonds of “truth” and “falsehood” as they apply to all of those who are not you. Things are different for you, I get it. You spend so much time devoting yourself to inhabiting the souls of the people you inhabit in your films, how can people expect you to remember things like “Who was driving the car” and “Whose pants are you wearing.” I bet it really wasn’t you driving the car. It was Elizabeth Taylor, wasn’t it? You selflessly gave yourself up to be inhabited by Taylor’s soul so that her memory could live on in the epic Liz and Dick. This is how she repays you.

    Lindsay, my beautiful, golden, genius, artistic, 26-year-old child, I get it. I truly understand. You deserve so much better. The world owes you so much. Forgive them. They know not what they do. They forget that you were in Mean Girls.

    I can’t get you an Oscar. Even if I could, it wouldn’t be enough. You deserve at least sixty by this point.

    I feel embarrassed with this paltry payment of a mere letter. I’m sorry to offer such a pathetic means of payment for all you’ve done for me (Mean Girls!)….

    Wait! I got it!

    Tell your family (excluding your father and his bastard love child you want nothing to to do with) their ice cream is on me from now on. Just have them send me the bill every time they decide to stick it to that awful cookie-puss. I mean, yeah, I’m a struggling college student and don’t have much money, but the debt will be worth it knowing your mother will never have to worry about paying for an ice cream cake again.

    Soldier on, Lindsay. You have a cross to bear now, but never give up on your dream of having people carry it for you. You deserve it. You were in Mean Girls.

    Your Ever-Loving, Ever-Faithful, Ever-Devoted Servant,

    TheWendyNerd

  39. G says:

    This from the same girl who just a short time ago wouldn’t appear on her own family’s reality show because “small screen was beneath her”?? LOL!! Oh how far the crack rocks have fallen.

  40. skuddles says:

    Great idea Lindz… you do realize though this would mean having to go to bed at a reasonable hour, no getting shitfaced or stoned out of your face every single night, getting up at the crack of dawn, showing up for work ON TIME, being accountable for your actions (lying your botoxed face off won’t cut it), no stealing everything in sight, no trashing your dressing room, etc etc etc.

    What a dumb, delusional bitch.

  41. Denise says:

    So then her sitcom would be ‘BAD Actress?’

  42. Chrissie Malcolm says:

    What she wants and what she needs are poles apart. She needs a reality check, an intervention and a true friend.

    Poor little creature is going to end up another sad headline like Amy Winehouse and so many others, who everyone loves to bad-mouth while they’re alive and then cries over when they’re dead. Another tragedy in the making.

  43. Crackberry says:

    Lindsay starred in the premiere episode of Bette
    Bette Midler’s sitcom

  44. Ally8 says:

    I can see Charlie Sheen agreeing to produce it. In the age of TMZ et al Basketball Wives, it’s clear that there’s plenty of audience for a train wreck.

    She might pull it together enough for a sit-com. I mean, would she really be much worse than Sheen or Kutcher or what passes for acting on Two Broke Girls?

  45. Jayna says:

    The only TV full-time gig I see her getting is a reality show, and we all know that’s coming someday when any offers of movie roles dry up and her money dries up.

  46. Bess says:

    Call me crazy, but Lohan may not have totally killed her career. If she were to spend a year out of the public eye without any legal problems, got herself mentally and physically healthy and quit injecting stuff into her face, maybe she could have a come back.

    Hollywood loves a good comeback. She would probably get another shot if she could stay out of trouble and work on her craft for year.

    • Sugar says:

      it all sounds good on paper but for her to commit a year toward doing the right things to make her real career happen ain’t gonna happen. we can hope she gets it but she is too egotistical.

    • Madisyn says:

      Problem is Angel, Blohan will NEVER do these things that POSSIBLY could make a difference, you know it, I know it, and pretty much everyone else knows it. She will not ‘disappear’ as besides HOOKING, depends on calling the paps for a little walking around money (cocaine). She won’t stop constantly doing drugs and drinking, as she doesn’t see it as a ‘problem’. IMHO, the drugs and alcohol has so pickled her brain, even stopping at this point, her mental health would remain where it is, that of a rebellious teenager. Not to mention her extreme narcissism and delusions of grandeur. Even the ‘train wreck’ novelty has worn thin as by the ratings of L & D. Quite frankly, I think she’d D U N !!

  47. hmm says:

    hey CHEEKS LOHAN quit pumpin that sh!t into your face, you look like a pumpkin!

    HAHAHAHHAAHAH

  48. JEL says:

    I watched a few 3 min clips of this horsesh*t. Everything about it was horribly low budget, flip phone camera quality. You could hear Lindsay breathing through her badly perforated septum for miles away. Atrocious.

  49. Just G says:

    Kaiser you are THE best!!
    That National Geographic bit at the end was priceless !! =0)

  50. Kelly says:

    To wendythenerd, I dont get it. Are you just EXTREMELY bored and loney or was that HUGE letter sarcastic? It went on and on and didnt get to the point. Kinda creeped me out a bit actually.

    Celebitchy – “Let’s watch as the crackie flaunts her rotting plumage to attract a wealthy mate.” This was HILARIOUS!!! Laughed so hard