Madonna sounds like a really fun parent. I mean she rebelled like crazy, to the point that she built her reputation and her fame on it. So she’s gotta remember what it’s like to be young and have unnecessarily strict parents. Remember “Papa Don’t Preach?” Yeah that’s right; Madonna knows that if you’re too strict a parent, your rebellious daughter will end up pregnant and keeping her baby. So she’s must be cool, right? Nope, while Madonna may have made a name for herself by being a rebel, she’s managed to do it with a Guinness -sized stick up her ass the whole time. Which means that – not surprisingly – she’s a total nutcase when it comes to rules and discipline with her kids. The list of “no’s” is pretty long – television, red meat, fun, laughter, merriment… in fact I think even childhood is on the list. A while ago we wrote an article about how husband Guy Ritchie said each of their kids only gets three Christmas presents. It turns out the reasoning has nothing to do with Madonna and Guy’s involvement in Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism. Apparently the problem is that Christmas is too commercial. Says the material girl. [Yes I stole that joke from Fark. It was too good not to use].

Here’s a rundown of the Ritchie’s slightly draconian Christmas festivities.

There won’t be carols, brandy butter or television. There’ll be hardly any presents, and most traditional, seemingly innocent festive fare has been banned. Indeed, a rather restricted version of Yuletide spirit will be in evidence in the $11 million London townhouse where Madonna, her director husband Guy Ritchie and their children Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David Banda, 2, will spend Christmas Day.

“The deal is that the family hasn’t converted to Judaism, but they do celebrate Jewish festivals,” a friend says. It’s all bracingly pick ‘n’ mix for the Ritchies. Somewhat breathtakingly, the main reason for not exchanging gifts is that Madonna is very much against the commercialism of Christmas. This seems rather a cheek, given the way she has unblushingly flogged her image and her sexuality in the most commercial way possible for three decades.

The day’s highlight will be a low-fat, macrobiotic feast prepared by their chef. (Neither Ritchie nor Madonna cook.) It is highly unlikely to feature turkey, as Madonna has issues with the rearing and slaughtering of poultry. Instead, the “feast” will be based on grains - such as quinoa - and vegetables. Friends of the family say there will be a small amount of unsalted meat for the children and for Ritchie, but salty, fatty treats such as stuffing are completely out.

[From News.com.au]

Lest you think Madonna is just a Christmas Grinch, don’t be worried – she’s a crazy disciplinarian regarding her kids all year long. Fearful that they won’t be mercilessly tormented by their peers, Madonna has piled on the rules. I’m pretty sure when poor Lourdes leaves home, she’s going to gain the freshman 50, all on nothing but cream.

Indeed, the festive season is seen by Madonna as no excuse to stint on her punishing health regimen. She has even hired a nutritionist to advise on her children’s food. As a result, except for the very occasional ice cream as a treat, they have controlled amounts of dairy food, no cheese, no cream, no salt, no preservatives and no sugar.

“They entertain beautifully, but it isn’t what you would call conventional,” a friend says. “A housekeeper will set out a great big table covered in stuff, all macrobiotic, which no one dares eat unless Madonna tucks in. They’re all terrified of her.”

[From News.com.au]

I have to admit, I’m kind of afraid of Madonna too. My God, if she found out the things I said about her, she might stuff me full of quinoa. Seriously, having a healthy diet is great, but when you’re too restrictive with food – hell with anything – it makes kids want it more. You have to give in enough so that yummy food doesn’t attain this reverential status. Seriously, my mom was that way, and I gained like 40 pounds when I left home. It was donut city. I’m pretty sure poor Rocco is going to do nothing but eat Mounds bars the first time he has a week of freedom from his control-freak mom. Listen Madonna, I know that giant stick helped you attain commercial success, but applying the same principles of uptight rigidity might not be the most successful way to raise a happy family.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Madonna out and about in Manhattan on December 9th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Forbes has just released a list of the most powerful celebrity babies, based on media exposure of the last year. Which is a shame, as I was hoping it was based on super powers. Unfortunately, being the child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt only gives you the beauty gene, not the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Hollywood’s Most Influential Babies

1. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
2. Suri Cruise
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Sean Preston Federline
5. Pax Jolie-Pitt
6. Sam Alexis Woods
7. David Banda Ritchie
8. Dannielynn Birkhead
9(tie). Romeo Beckham
9(tie). Cruz Beckham

Forbes

While Shiloh might have topped the list for media exposure, I’m guessing that in reality Suri is more influential. She’s got the whole cult of Scientology behind her! Head of photo agency World Entertainment News Network Jill Stempel also suggests that Suri is responsible for resuscitating Tom Cruise’s career post-couch jumping, making him more human.

Of course, in twenty years I fully expect these babies to be dating each other and getting arrested in awkward circumstances. As the Hollywood Brat Pack of 2027 I’m sure they’ll all continue to command a big media presence, but I’m not sure whether any of them will be independently successful as someone more famous than their parents. Particularly if Britney drops poor little Sean Preston on his head again. Then again, some people might have suggested that Angelina Jolie wouldn’t ever be more successful than her father John Voight, and she seems to be doing okay for herself.

Guy Ritchie doesn’t often say much about his marriage to Madonna, but while he’s out on the publicity trail for his new movie ‘Revolver’ he’s getting asked all sorts of nosy questions. Which are my favourite kind of questions.

Q: So, how’s married life these days?

A: “I enjoy it enormously. Wish I’d done it sooner.”

Q: Many people said it would never last, so what’s the secret to a happy showbiz marriage?

A: “Pretty much ignore all the stuff they say and write about you.”

Q: But Madonna just signed this huge deal reportedly worth $120 million over 10 years with concert company Live Nation. Do you ever feel your career gets overshadowed by hers?

A: “Don’t know what you mean! She’s got her career and I’ve got mine. What can you do? She’s Madonna.”

Q: The critics were pretty unkind when you remade “Swept Away” with her.

A: “Were they? I thought our remake was fine It’s a funny thing, as once we made the movie, I went, ‘Oh yeah, that’s the movie we wanted to make.’ It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. It was just supposed to be a pleasant remake. And she was good in it. That’s what I couldn’t understand, because she was conspicuously good in it. But what can you do?”

Guy adds that Madonna is the boss, like in any marriage the woman is the boss. Given that Madonna comes across as, and happily admits to being, a complete control freak I can imagine that she is the boss. If you watch this YouTube clip of her, you’ll see that she is pretty damn good at getting her own way, and can be incredibly disagreeable when she doesn’t. Sort of like a petulant child, actually.

Guy also talks about his new movie ‘Revolver’.

Q: How would you describe “Revolver”?

A: “Don’t go and see it unless you’re interested in head-tricky stuff. I wanted to take what is essentially an introspective movie and put it in a world that was not introspective — in an underworld, in the world of cons and con (artist) tricks. The premise was that the aspects of your mind that get conned are also the aspects that will deny truth … If you go in thinking you’re getting another “Snatch” or something light and funny, you’re going to trip up.”

Reuters

This answer is completely confusing - the movie is about what? Does Guy Ritchie even know what the movie is about? I looked it up on IMD
B and it’s essentially a movie about gambling rivalries, and sounds a lot more interesting than what Guy makes it out to be. The movie is getting panned by critics saying that he is trying to be intellectual and isn’t smart enough to manage it.

As far as rich parents go, I have to say that being Madonna’s kid would not be on the top of my wish list. I’d probably start with Victoria Beckham or someone known for flaunting and needlessly squandering their money. At the very least, I’d aim for a rich parent that was known not to pay a lot of attention to their home life. Madonna – long known as a pretty extreme control freak – brings her highly regimented lifestyle into every facet of her existence – including holidays. It seems that her kids only get three Christmas presents. Though considering last week I read that they didn’t even celebrate Christmas, three presents seems like a pretty good deal.

Santa Claus keeps it sparse when it comes to the Madonna-Ritchie household. “The kids are only allowed three presents,” Guy Ritchie told Extra in an interview airing Friday. But their children — Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7 and adopted son David Banda, 2 — don’t seem to mind. “As long as the kids get three presents at Christmas, everyone’s being happy,” he said.

Ritchie, 39, said more little ones may be on the way for the Material Mom, 49. “Who knows?” he said. “My wife and myself like kids so we’ll have to wait and see what happens.”

Ritchie also debunked rumors that he and his family are converting to Judaism. (Madonna and co. study Kabbalah, a form of Jewish mysticism.) “I don’t think anyone’s converted to Judaism in my family,” he said. “I’m completely unaware of that. I have not converted to Judaism and neither has my wife.”

[From Us Weekly]

I’m not sure Madonna should have more kids. They might cut into her vigorous workout schedule or something. Remember the first day she brought David home [why in the world haven’t they changed his last name?] she still made sure to leave the kid with a nanny so she could get her gym time in. Normally I would say a celebrity not over-indulging their kid is a good thing, but I really don’t think Madonna’s type-a-to-the-extreme personality should be praised. Let’s hope it’s at least three REALLY expensive presents.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Madonna and Guy Richie are shown at the Revolver screening in NY last night. Thanks to WENN for this picture.

In the world of parenting, you always get someone telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing. You rarely get a rave review from anyone on your childrearing practices. But Madonna seems to be able to do just about anything, including public praise from her mother-in-law Shireen Ritchie.

Interviewer Fiona Phillips asked: “You have probably one of the most famous adopted little grandsons in the whole world now. How’s that all working out?”

“It’s working out very well,” Ritchie replied. “They’re wonderful and loving parents and he’s a very lucky little boy.”

People

Shireen Ritchie is a Conservative Councillor in Britain, a member of Cabinet for Family and Children’s Services for The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, and actually Guy’s stepmother. She was appearing on GMTV to highlight issues surrounding orphaned children.

Admittedly, Shireen may have nice things to say when on television, but behind closed doors she might call Madonna any number of things. After all, you don’t slander the queen of pop on national TV, and expect it to somehow not get back to her.

Madonna is also doing good deeds outside her home, posting a message on her Raising Malawi website calling for volunteers and donations to help Malawi children.

As someone who volunteers for a couple of organisations that rely on donations, I know exactly what she means by ‘every little bit helps’. I also think it’s pretty amazing that Madonna is a co-founder of the Raising Malawi organisation (with Michael Berg) and not just associating herself with an established charity.

Note by Celebitchy: Here are pictures of Madonna after going out to dinner in London last night with Tom Ford and Stella McCartney.

Madonna, the woman with an ego that knows no bounds, has declared herself “an Ambassador for Judaism.” I’m pretty sure most people consider her an ambassador for narcissistic personality disorder, but don’t ever say that to Madonna or her red string bracelet. Madonna took a trip to Israel for Rosh Hashanah, along with husband Guy Ritchie, Rosie O’Donnell, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Donna Karan. If Ashton Kutcher doesn’t lend legitimacy to the stars’ love of Kabbala, I don’t know what does.

“Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie rang in the Jewish new year with Israeli President Shimon Peres and declared herself an ‘ambassador for Judaism,’ local newspapers reported Sunday. The singer arrived in Israel on Wednesday, the eve of Jewish new year, to attend a conference on Kabbalah, a form of Jewish mysticism.

The 49-year-old Material Girl met Peres at his Jerusalem residence on Saturday evening and the two exchanged gifts. Peres gifted Madonna with a lavishly bound copy of the Jewish Bible. She gave Peres a volume of The Book of Splendor, the guiding text of Kabbalah, inscribed ‘To Shimon Peres, the man I admire and love, Madonna,’ the Yediot Ahronot daily reported.

“‘You don’t know how popular the Book of Splendor is among Hollywood actors,’ Madonna told Peres, according to the Yediot. ‘Everyone I meet talks to me only about that. I am an ambassador for Judaism.’”

[From Us Weekly]

Um… yeah. Too many ways to mock. Can’t choose. Hurting brain. So let’s talk about people’s reactions in Israel. They’re not too pleased. Kabbala is only supposed to be taught to Jews. Madonna is not Jewish and has never converted. It’s also only supposed to be taught to strictly adherent Jews, generally Orthodox Jews, who have learned the Talmud backwards and forwards (so to speak… if you’re Jewish, you get the joke) and meticulously follow all of the commandments. So Madonna – and I’m guessing most of Hollywood – is pretty much out. A lot of rabbis have been pretty offended by her inclusion in Kabbala in general, and her flouting the rules of the religion. Her stupid quotes don’t help either.

“Orthodox teachers of Kabbala reacted with disdain Sunday to pop idol Madonna’s Rosh Hashana visit in Israel, during which she took part in a study session of Judaism’s most esoteric texts. ‘It is a known fact in Kabbala that impurity and evil are inherently attracted to sanctity,’ said a director of one of the most respected Kabbala yeshivot in Jerusalem who preferred that he and his institution remain anonymous.

“‘That’s why people of Hollywood, a place of iniquity and lasciviousness, are naturally attracted to the holiness of Kabbala.’ The director of the yeshiva said he was explaining a basic Kabbalistic concept according to which ‘sparks’ of holiness tightly connected to ‘shells’ of impurity are waiting to be let free. These ‘shells’ [klipot] are naturally attracted to their polar opposite - holiness.

“Rabbi Yitzhak Batzri, son of Jerusalem-based kabbalist David Batzri, head of the Shalom Yeshiva, said that it was forbidden to teach Kabbala to non-Jews such as Madonna.”

[From The Jerusalem Post]

Did he just call Madonna evil? I think he just called her evil! And I laughed and agreed. I think it’s great to be interested in other religions, and there’s a lot we all can learn by exploring them. But it’s incredibly important to be respectful of that religion’s rules. If Judaism strictly states that you have to be a strictly adherent Jew to read the kabbalist texts, than it’s important to respect that. I live in a Orthodox/Hassidic community in New York, and though I’m not Jewish, I can’t help but respect their piousness. It annoys me that I can’t shop on Saturdays… or this past week because of Rosh Hashana… and some other dates I never know about until I walk to the grocery store and find it’s closed… but it’s a nice place to live, and it’s interesting to see people constantly reading the Talmud on the subway instead of reading Hustler. I don’t quite understand why Madonna hasn’t converted, but it’s none of my business and she doesn’t have to explain her spirituality to the rest of us. I do think it’d be nice if she made it a little more personal and a little less commercial though.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Madonna’s exercising with her famous red string bracelet. Images thanks to PR Photos. Header image of Madonna and Guy Ritchie meeting Israeli President Shimon Peres in Jerusalem on Saturday. Images thanks to WENN.

Just Jared has pictures of Madonna exiting a hotel with her husband, Guy Ritchie, and carrying a clear bag with a product in a pink box labeled “purple penetrator.” In case there’s any doubt what the thing is, there’s a clear picture of someone wearing it on the package and it’s all curvy and solid-looking.

In the photo description on Just Jared, he says that they’re leaving Claridges Hotel in London on Monday. It’s night time, so maybe the package was a gag gift from someone. Jared points out that Guy’s birthday was that day, so I would bet someone gave him a gift he’s not likely to live down. Still, it looks more like a present for Madonna than her husband. Don’t like that image in your head? Try to stop thinking of it, you know you can’t resist.

In the latest Madonna news, there’s an accusation that she threatened to kill a security guard for the band Bloc Party after he put her in a headlock and dragged her out of the band’s dressing room at Live Earth. The security guard didn’t recognize her and seems to think she was just barging in. Madonna started cursing and yelling and wriggled out of the big guy’s grasp:

Speaking about the incident, Bloc Party’s frontman Kele Okereke said that the band’s Scottish tour manager was not aware of who Madonna was.

“When she came in, he alerted security and security dragged her out. In a headlock,” explained the singer. “It was really surreal, and everyone stopped speaking.”

He added: “And all we could hear is Madonna cursing and saying she’s gonna kill these guys. She’s really tough because of all that Pilates that she does, so she got out of the headlock quite easily.”

Madonna and Bloc Party were two of many acts who performed at the Live Earth earlier this year – which had been organised by former American Vice President Al Gore to raise awareness about the problem of global warming.

[From Gigwise]

Don’t mess with Madonna. She’ll fuck you up (the a**).

There are many more cringe-inducing photos of Madonna toting the strap on at Just Jared.

Update: Thanks to The Daily Mail for these larger res version.

Picture below is of Madonna after a workout earlier that day. Thanks to WENN.

Malawi is hardcore when it comes to adopting kids. Though there were a lot of accusations flying around about Madonna’s adoption of David Banda – most involving special treatment – the country has been rigid about required follow-ups. Special representatives must visit Madonna and her husband, director Guy Ritchie, in England twice, and make recommendations about whether or not the couple should be able to actually adopt David. Even though he’s been living with the family for about a year, the process is far from complete. Apparently the process had hit a snag when Penstone Kilembe, a Malawian official for the courts, was denied permission to travel to London by the Malawian minister of women and child development. Apparently they felt he’d “personalized” the adoption by accepting travel accommodations and money from Madonna. It sounds like they were worried he had been bribed, and just used a nicer word for it. Well it turns out all is well, and Kilembe gets to travel to London after all.

“An official appointed by a Malawi court to assess whether Madonna and her husband would be suitable parents for the child they are seeking to adopt said on Monday he will visit the couple in Britain next month. ‘There has been a change of mind by my government minister and she has allowed me to leave for the UK on September 4 and I am expected to spend two weeks,’ Penstone Kilembe, who had been refused permission to travel to Britain, told Reuters.

“Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie’s attempts to adopt David Banda hit a snag earlier this month when the Malawian minister of women and child development refused to grant Kilembe permission to travel to Britain to assess their suitability. Minister Kate Kainja told a Malawian weekly ‘we feel Mr. Kilembe personalized the whole issue’ and other people could go.

“A Malawi newspaper reported Kilembe was prevented from traveling to Britain because he had accepted a plane ticket and money from Madonna without government approval. Kilembe dismissed the suggestions he asked the pop star for a ticket. ‘What we had with the minister was just a misunderstanding and that has been resolved. Madonna herself has been informed about the new proposed dates because she has been looking forward to this so that her adoption process is not hampered,’ he said.”

[From Reuters]

A lot of adoption and children’s rights groups have said Madonna is using her fame and money to evade Malawi’s adoption laws, which she had always denied. Penstone Kilembe will testify regarding his opinions on Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s parental fitness next year. It’s amazing that a country would go to such great lengths to ensure that one of it’s semi-orphaned children is adopted into a loving home. But something tells me this has more to do with the worldwide scrutiny this case has received. And not many people would consider Madonna to be particularly warm. Hopefully she’s doing this for the right reasons – they’ve certainly made her jump through a lot of hoops. Let’s hope she’s a good mom and gets the kid – and never tries to adopt again.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Madonna Arrives At Her Local Gym on July 21st. You gotta admire her commitment. Images thanks to PR Photos.