Today in impossibly ridiculous news that you’re supposed to believe: Tom Cruise is going to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic. Umm… trying not to make poorly veiled closeted homosexual jokes here… restraint is not my strongest suit…. crap. Okay how about this: many gay actors have shown us that it’s possible to play straight, and vice-versa. See how I didn’t say anything about your client probably being gay there, Tom Cruise’s lawyers? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I think that even if there had never been a single gay rumor about Tom Cruise, I still couldn’t buy him as Hugh Hefner. They’re just so… opposite. I mean both odd, but in very different ways. And something about Tom makes me think he’d be judgy and preachy about Playboy. If he’d ever opened one to know.

Tom Cruise is set to play Hugh Hefner in a new biopic of the Playboy founder’s life. The 45-year-old actor, who has an 18-month-old daughter Suri with his actress wife Katie Holmes, is hot favorite to portray the 81-year-old lothario in upcoming movie ‘Playboy’ and is reportedly excited about the prospect of bringing Hefner’s “colorful life” to the big screen.

A source close to the actor said: “Tom knows of Hugh’s colorful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen. He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too.”

[From AZcentral]

I think people are well-aware that Tom Cruise can act. He’s been acting like he’s in a marriage for a little over a year now. Kidding, of course. Tom’s an okay actor, and I people remember that about him. It’s just that he shines in a very specific kind of role… and Hugh Hefner just isn’t that type of character. Tom needs to jump on top of moving trains and fall out windows and things like that. Occasionally romance Renee Zellweger in a way the audience only sorta buys. He is not the kind of guy you want to see chasing fake bunny tail. Fake alien tail, fine. But rabbits are out of the question.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Tom and Katie at the 23rd Annual Museum Of The Moving Image Black Tie Salute Honoring Tom Cruise on November 6th in New York City. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Ahh, Fox. Always so classy. It’s pretty funny that the owners of “Fox News” are the same guys that give you “Cops” and “When Bears Attack” and now “Fox Reality Channel Really Awards 2007.” Oh greatest prestige of prestiges. I don’t know why anyone would show up for this. It’s like an awards show to crown the most pathetic loser. I mean there’s desperate, and there’s shooting yourself in the foot.

I’d like to point out a few of the classiest outfits – namely Leilene Ondrade’s. I have this gorgeous spider web outside my window, and I’m pretty sure that very spider designed Ondrade’s outfit. If you look close enough, you can see some leaves and a dead bumble bee stuck in there.

So what’s the point of the “Really Awards?” Couldn’t really tell you. Let’s see if this guy can.

“The Fox Reality Channel seems to create its own reality, one in which it gets to have its own awards show. It’s called the ‘Really Awards,’ and it happened last night, but won’t air until the 13th. Not that it matters to gossipists and TV celebrity followers, because the pictures and news from the show have already leaked out.

“’The biggest news is that Danny Bonaduce and Jonny Fairplay got into a huge fight for not much reason at all. Fairplay is tiny and has no sense of caution, and Bonaduce is a bodybuilder with an anger problem, so you can guess the outcome: missing teeth and an ambulance ride for Fairplay. It’s possible we’ll see charges filed.

“Other notes: Brooke Hogan was there and looked horrible. Sanjaya showed up for some reason. And of course Elvira was there to promote her new show, ‘The Search For The Next Elvira,’ airing this Halloween.”

[From TV with MeeVee]

Not to be more of a snot than I already am, but do we really need a next Elvira? Isn’t one enough? I wasn’t under the impression that it was something like Santa Claus or the President of the United States, where you always needed a current one. I’ve never head someone ask “Which Elvira are you voting for in the next election?” Maybe I’m not as topical as I thought. I have to tell you, this show sounds super professional and well produced. Are you wondering about the Danny Bonaduce fight? Well probably not, but I thought I’d tell you all about it, because rage-a-holics are funny when they’re onstage.

“Sources reveal that Danny lost his cool when Johnny was on stage attempting to read the teleprompter. The audience was booing Johnny since he couldn’t read his lines and Danny decided to break Johnny’s mouth ‘Bonaduce’ style. He obviously forgot that he was at an award show and not in the boxing ring.

“‘Danny ran upstage and told Johnny that everyone is booing him because he sucks. Johnny attacked Danny out of anger and began to hump him. Danny threw Johnny over his shoulder and broke his tooth. Blood was all over the stage and Johnny ran off and began to cry. Hollywood’s infamous trannie Alexis Arquette took initiative to walk on stage and finish the set.’”

[From Hollyscoop]

Anytime Alexis Arquette has to take the initiative to clean up your mistakes, you’ve got some serious problems. I never really think of her as the “go-to-girl,” and maybe she just wanted some attention, but if nothing else, it shows some level of professionalism that she did something. Though I’d be more inclined to sit there and just enjoy the drama. It’s like the “Jerry Springer Show,” awards-style. Here are some pictures from the general fugishness of the night.

Pictured in order are Sanjaya Malakar and his sister, Brooke Hogan, Janice Dickinson, Chyna Doll, Ron Jeremy, Danny Bonaduce, Elvira, Warren G, Shane Sparks, Ant, Makala Gordon, Brandon Rodgers, Hugh Hefner with Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson, and Leilene Ondrade. Thanks to PRPhotos for these pics.

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is pushing 81 and has just announced his plan to get one of his girlfriends, Holly Madison, pregnant. He already has four grown children and his oldest daughter is 54 and CEO of Playboy. Madison is 26, nearly half his daughter’s age, and is one of the stars of the reality show The Girls Next Door. I’ve only seen it once but there’s the sporty one, the sweet one, and the psychology grad student who comes off as doofy. Madison is the sweet one.

The wealthy 80-year-old says he’s considering giving one of his three live-in girlfriends, 26-year-old Holly Madison, the baby she desperately wants.

Speaking at the legendary Playboy Mansion in LA, he revealed: “I don’t know if at this age it is physically possible but we’ve certainly talked about it and it’s certainly a possibility.”

Hef, who has four children from previous relationships, added of blonde Holly: “She certainly has my heart, so maybe she’ll have my sperm too!”

[via Socialite’s Life]

That’s uh, sweet, and all and I don’t question his motives or anything.

Hefner also credits Viagra for his fabulously debaucherous sex life, saying “In reality I don’t think I could be living this life without it.”

We published a story on Monday about an ex-Playmate’s tell-all book detailing Hugh’s scripted orgies. She said he never wore a condom, liked to watch gay porn, and had scheduled sex nights on Wednesday and Friday that everyone was required to attend. I wonder if a baby in the mansion will mess up his whole routine.

An ex Playmate has self-published a book about what goes on at the bizarre sex sessions at the Playboy mansion. She says that if you’re a hot nobody and want to get into Playboy without riding the then 78 year-old Hugh Hefner’s six inch Viagra erection, you can forget about it.

From her description, Hefner’s evening sex romps sound more like a freaky ritual than a fun-filled free for all. Here are the highlights:

• Women who live in the house must show up for Wednesday and Friday sex night. They are given rare exemptions in the case of major surgery (like a nose job), but if it’s that time of the month or they’re sick, they’re still expected to come. Even Heffner’s secretary has to participate.
• Hefner invites women into his lair. The night the source was there, 12 women were in the room. Each must bathe and wear identical pink pajamas. If they don’t want to have sex with the 78 year-old perv, they can leave their pajama bottoms on.
• Gay porn plays on two big screen TVs in the room.
• On the night the source was there, Heff got a hummer from his current girlfriend to start the action. 10 of the 12 girls then took turns having sex with him, taking about two minutes each while the other participants cheered him on. He took Viagra to perform and did not wear a condom.
• Women paired up for simulated lesbian sex for Heff’s benefit, but according to the source most of them weren’t into it and didn’t even like each other.
• The session ended with him having anal sex with the girlfriend, who wiped off his penis beforehand, as if that did something to prevent STDs.

In terms of what sex with Hef actually entails, it sounds like it’s strictly women on top:

How is a man who’s 78 years old able to have sex with that many women?

He doesn’t really do anything. He just lies there with his Viagra erection. It’s just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited. They’ll yell things like, “F-k her daddy, f-k her daddaddy!” There’s a lot of cheerleader going on!

Playmates are discouraged from talking about Hefner’s orgies through ongoing business deals with Playboy enterprises, including invitations to parties and ex-playmate get togethers, where they are paid for their appearance. There’s a code of silence around it because to reveal details would jeopardize their future earnings.

Strippers and lesser known porn stars get in Playboy by sleeping with Hef in these prearranged orgies, and the source claims that no woman has ever made playmate of the year without playing along at the sex sessions.

It looks like the answer to Bastardly’s question “Would you sleep with a dude the age of your grandpa for $3,000,000?” has been answered a lot of the Playboy playmates, who would do it for fame and much less money.

Update: Hugh Hefner is just shy of 81 at this point, as commentor Jenna points out. He was born April 9, 1926 according to Wikipedia. He also spells his name with one F, not two.