Anytime you want to make fun of Madonna, you can just poke fun at her acting. You can pick a movie from 20 years ago, mock her, and it’s still relevant. But someone like Madonna doesn’t really understand that there’s anything she’s not good at – and she certainly doesn’t understand that she didn’t shine at acting, given that she kept doing it over and over and over again. So what’s the next best way to torture movie-going audiences once you’ve subjected them to as much acting as movie studios will allow? Move on to directing of course! And do it with all the grace and humility one would expect of Madonna.

Madonna had her directorial debut at the Berlin Film Festival, and she wasn’t exactly a fan favorite. On Thursday evening she arrived at Tempelhof airport, after which she had dinner at Restaurant Entrecôte – sans makeup (gasp!). Actually because it’s Madonna, sans makeup really is a cause for a gasp. There were over 1500 reporters clambering for just 500 spots at her press conference. Madonna pointedly ignored any questions asking why she had chosen to direct, considering she had such a successful singing career. Madonna noted , “I always have been inspired by movies by Godard, Visconti, Passolini and Fellini and hope that one day I can do something that comes close to their genius.” Madonna and the word genius should never be written so closely together. She’s also completed a documentary that will be shown at Cannes in May. The big letdown of the evening was that she only visited with fans for four minutes, and signed very few autographs. The other big letdown of the night was her film. Titled “Filth & Wisdom” got mostly poor (and a few average) reviews.

“Ragged, uneven and potholed with some dire dialogue and performances, the film’s cockeyed optimism and likeable leads conspire to bring a smile by the time it’s done,” wrote Ray Bennett of movie publication the Hollywood Reporter.

Screen International’s Jonathan Romney argued “Filth & Wisdom” was not as bad as some of Madonna’s appearances in front of the camera, such as “Shanghai Surprise” and “Swept Away,” but it was “likely to be forgotten as quickly as most of them.”

Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian gave one star to the 81-minute movie. “Madonna has been a terrible actor in many, many films and now — fiercely aspirational as ever — she has graduated to being a terrible director,” he wrote. “She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock.”

[From Reuters]

“Filth & Wisdom” is the story of three London roommates chasing their dreams of fame while stuck at dead end jobs. Sounds one of a kind. I know this makes me an incredibly bad person, but it makes me a little happy when Madonna fails. I just can’t stand people with ridiculous egos. One of the characters longs to be a dancer, but ends up working as a stripper. Madonna said she particularly to that dream, since she’d always longed to dance herself, until she came to New York and realized there were thousands of people with the very same goal. I’ll close this by quoting the best summary of the film’s depth, by critic Ray Bennett: “The message in … Madonna’s first outing as feature film director … is that all of us can find peace of mind if we just get in touch with our inner slut.” Touché, Madonna. Touché.

A special thanks to Celebitchy’s husband, Mr. Celebitchy, for translating the German articles.

Plenty of celebrities showed up for Maddona’s “Raising Malawai” foundation benefit, sponsored by Gucci. There was negative press claiming that the organization was just a front for the Jew-ish cult that has Madonna brainwashed, Kabbalah. Raising Malawai wasn’t even registered as it’s own charity, and all mail and donations for the organization go directly to the controversial Kabbalah church. It was thought that Madonna had duped the event’s sponsors, Gucci and the UN, into hosting a fundraiser for her cult. Madonna denied those allegations, saying the application was in the mail and why should she have to wait to throw a huge charity event until her organization was legitimate?

It looks like a lot of people agreed with her, because there was a big star turnout at the event last night. The Washington Post blew off the criticism of the event, saying it was “mostly bloggers” who thought there was something fishy with Raising Malawai, but there was also criticism of the fact that Gucci just happens to be opening a new store tomorrow in New York. It is thought that the UN, by hosting the event on it’s grounds, is somehow selling out by being associated with the exclusive brand. Gucci reps said “it’s a coincidence that we happen to be here and we’re opening an important store on Friday.”

Madonna said that she’s not worried about criticism, she’s faced it all her life, and besides, at least people are still talking about her. If you read her response to the question, she seems to reveal a desire to convert people rather than just accept money for her charity. She said “I don’t want them to just write me a check: I want them to give me a piece of their heart.” It sounds well-intentioned, but it does come off like she’s hoping to convert some big names that night. Hey, the Seinfelds were there, they seem open to it.

“I don’t really pay any attention to that. I am grateful that Gucci has underwritten this event — that’s all that matters to me — their generosity. There’s always controversy surrounding anything that involves change,” Madonna told Reuters.

“I want to put Raising Malawi on the map. I want credibility as a philanthropic organization. I want to inspire people. I don’t want them to just write me a check: I want them to give me a piece of their heart,” she said.

[From The Washington Post]

Raising Malawai sets up orphanages for children in the nation of Malawai, where Madonna adopted a one-year old boy, David Banda, in October, 2006 amid controversy that she was flouting the country’s strict adoption rules. Raising Malawai teaches Madonna’s unique brand of spiritualism to the children as part of the curriculum at the schools Madonna is setting up.

Here are pictures from last night including Madonna and Lourdes, a very pregnant Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, a mildly pregnant Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, TomKat, Rihanna, Heidi Klum in a too-short dress with pockets, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who haven’t strayed far from the fold despite the rumors, Kate Hudson still wearing loose outfits, Salma Hayek looking hot, Gweneth Paltrow in a too-short pink dress with a big ‘ol bow, Dita Von Teese, and Nelly Furtado.

Also there but not pictured were Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart, P. Diddy, Rebecca gayheart and Eric Dane, Deborah Messing, Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou, Brooke Shields, Ali Larter, Cassie, Pharrell Williams, Cynthia Nixon, Lucy Liu, Nigo, Molly Sims, and Donald and Melania Trump.

The Gucci CEO reported before the night was even complete that they had collected over $3.7 million to feed, clothe and convert the orphans of Malawai. I guess it’s not as bad as Scientology, but people are similarly enslaved and isolated from their families working for Kabbalah. I just hope it’s a kinder, gentler form of the religion that’s pushed on these young children. Missionaries go in to third world nations hoping to come out with new converts, I suppose this isn’t any different. Still you wish that help could come to people who need it the most without any red strings attached.

Thanks to WENN and Splash News for these photos.

Madonna is one of my top five celebrities to hate. And yes I do sit around ranking them. She’s so smug and holier-than-thou, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. She has veiny man arms. I realize that’s not a reason to hate someone, but I can add it to my list of reasons I already dislike her. It’s not that she has the veiny man arms, so much as that she seems really proud of the veiny man arms. Actually she just seems overly proud in general. I’m putting together some kind of Madonna kicking task force, if anyone’s interested. Another reason I hate her? Her so-called charity, Raising Malawi, is actually just a front for funneling more money into Philip Berg’s Los Angeles-based Kabbalah Center.

If you thought Madonna pulled a fast one getting Live Nation to give her a $120 million contract, here’s one better. The Material Mom has conned both UNICEF USA and Gucci into helping her raise money for the Kabbalah Center and Madonna’s patron gurus, the Berg Family.

Gucci is throwing an all-star fundraiser on Feb. 6 for Madonna’s charity, Raising Malawi. GUCCI’s “A Night to Benefit Raising Malawi and UNICEF” will take place in heated tents on the north lawn of the United Nations, with special co-hosts Sarah Jessica Parker and Salma Hayek scheduled to attend along with Madonna.

However, neither Gucci nor UNICEF is aware — even though it’s been noted here many times — that Raising Malawi is merely a front for Philip Berg’s Kabbalah Center of Los Angeles. In fact, before anyone writes a check: Raising Malawi is also still not a registered charity. All of its forms, filings and press releases direct back to the Kabbalah Center.

[From Fox News]

The article goes on to point out that Phillip Berg’s son Michael founded Raising Malawi supposedly to help Malawian orphans. Instead, Berg and the Raising Malawi staff have been “indoctrinate unsuspecting Malawi orphans into their brand of mysticism” according to the article. I don’t generally give a lot of credit to Fox News, but internet research indicates that what they’re saying definitely checks out. It’s important to note that Kabbalah is different from most other forms of Judaism.

Though she’s never officially converted, Madonna has often proclaimed herself “an ambassador for Judaism.” Again, it’s important to note that studying Kabbalah doesn’t make one an expert in Judaism. In fact many people could argue that she’s been very disrespectful towards their religion. Kabbalah is only supposed to be taught to Jews who are strictly adherent. They also need to attain a certain high level of Talmudic education. A lapsed Catholic doesn’t fall into that category. If you need more reason to disrespect Madonna, definitely read the article in its entirety.

In more trivial “Madonna is a douche bag” news, it’s been reported that she spend over $10,000 a month on water. Yes the woman who made sure each of her kids got only three Christmas presents so they stayed grounded must herself drink specially blessed Kabbalah water which costs $5 for a small bottle. Heaven forbid heathen Dasani – or tap water – touch her lips.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Madonna after arriving at JFK on December 2nd. Thanks to Splash News. She is seen below outside the gym, thanks to PRPhotos.

Most days I can’t make heads or tails of my feelings for Madonna. Do I hate her? Am I sorta okay with her? I’m well aware that I never love her. But how deep are my feelings, and am I really committed to all-out hatred? Madonna may have been on some sort of goodwill or fact-finding trip when she recently visited Mumbai. She toured the slums and ate lunch in a fishing village, but refused to speak with reporters. Thus it’s not really possible to say why she was there. She was escorted by Gregory David Roberts. Roberts is a convicted robber who escaped from an Australian prison and fled to Mumbai. He turned his experience into the best-selling novel “Shantaram,” which is currently being made into a movie starring Johnny Depp.

The singer, who is on an extended New Year’s break in India with family, walked around Cuffe Parade, a seafront neighborhood where million-dollar high rises sit next to fishermen’s huts, typical of the gulf between the city’s richest and poorest.

Madonna was seen entering a fisherman’s hut in Cuffe Parade with a woman companion and later walking into a roadside vegetarian restaurant, warding off eager journalists and photographers.

They visited a motorcycle mechanic’s garage and a market of old curios in a grimy Muslim quarter where she looked at the shops from inside her car. Roberts has set up a free health service for some of Mumbai’s poor, and also does some teaching. Madonna ushered in the New Year along with Guy Ritchie, her film director husband, and their children in the deserts of Rajasthan state before reaching Mumbai.

[From Yahoo! News]

I’m curious as to what Madonna was actually doing in Mumbai, but none of the articles written on her visit seem to know. The Internet Movie Database doesn’t have Madonna listed as associated with the “Shantaram” in any way. Perhaps the trip was just for personal enrichment, though somehow I find the whole thing very curious.

Picture note by Jaybird: Header image of Madonna at Ciparani restuarant, Mayfair, London on December 14th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

If Santa Claus goes by the Reuters good celebrity list, then it seems Angelina Jolie probably got something good in her stocking this year. Brad Pitt maybe? Reuters have listed the top celebrity humanitarians of 2007.

The actress was voted the person who has given the best name to “celebrity humanitarianism” for her work as goodwill ambassador for the UN refugee agency.

The 32-year-old, who has three adopted children from poverty-stricken areas, was also recognised for her attempts to draw attention to suffering in Africa and arrange aid for displaced Iraqis.

Madonna was voted the least respected celebrity altruist in the survey of 606 people by Reuters AlertNet. Although she raised millions for orphans in Malawi, she was accused of using her influence to adopt a baby from the country without the normal legal procedures.

Digital Spy

The poll wasn’t based on who did the most good, but rather who is the most respected do-gooder.

Other celebrity humanitarians include Bono, Bill Gates, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Bill Clinton. Following Madonna on the dubious humanitarian list is Paris Hilton following her aborted Rwanda trip, Oprah, Bono again, and Bob Geldof. So how can you earn respect to go along with your celebrity status?

The difference between Jolie and the other famous philanthropists is that the star doesn’t travel with camera crews and does her best to dodge the paparazzi.

“Someone like Angelina Jolie comes across as having more integrity than some celebrities and a greater sense that she doesn’t just do this for the publicity,” the director of the Feinstein International Famine Centre at Tufts University told Reuters news service.

POP

Angelina is an obvious choice as a respected celebrity humanitarian - although how the hell she gets anything done with four kids around is beyond me. I mean anything. Having time to brush her teeth, watch the news to know which countries are in crisis, anything! Some say that she’s got a team of nannies, but four kids must be demanding even if you have four nannies.

It also seems a little unfair to brand Madonna for adopting David Banda without following protocol, mostly because Malawi doesn’t seem to have a protocol for adoption. It is hard to bring a foreign child into your home and raise it, Madonna didn’t just adopt the kid for fashion, he’ll be around for the rest of her life.

It’s interesting that even after years of working for the AIDS cause and other issues in Africa, Bob Geldof and Bono still haven’t got the public’s respect.

Picture Note by Celebitchy: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are shown shopping at a baby store in New Orleans on 12/27/07, thanks to Splash News. Shiloh and Zahara are still young enough to need something from a baby shop so it might not mean they’re preparing for a new arrival by plane or hospital, although the tabloids are sure to make something of it. Thanks to Splash News.

Madonna sounds like a really fun parent. I mean she rebelled like crazy, to the point that she built her reputation and her fame on it. So she’s gotta remember what it’s like to be young and have unnecessarily strict parents. Remember “Papa Don’t Preach?” Yeah that’s right; Madonna knows that if you’re too strict a parent, your rebellious daughter will end up pregnant and keeping her baby. So she’s must be cool, right? Nope, while Madonna may have made a name for herself by being a rebel, she’s managed to do it with a Guinness -sized stick up her ass the whole time. Which means that – not surprisingly – she’s a total nutcase when it comes to rules and discipline with her kids. The list of “no’s” is pretty long – television, red meat, fun, laughter, merriment… in fact I think even childhood is on the list. A while ago we wrote an article about how husband Guy Ritchie said each of their kids only gets three Christmas presents. It turns out the reasoning has nothing to do with Madonna and Guy’s involvement in Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism. Apparently the problem is that Christmas is too commercial. Says the material girl. [Yes I stole that joke from Fark. It was too good not to use].

Here’s a rundown of the Ritchie’s slightly draconian Christmas festivities.

There won’t be carols, brandy butter or television. There’ll be hardly any presents, and most traditional, seemingly innocent festive fare has been banned. Indeed, a rather restricted version of Yuletide spirit will be in evidence in the $11 million London townhouse where Madonna, her director husband Guy Ritchie and their children Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David Banda, 2, will spend Christmas Day.

“The deal is that the family hasn’t converted to Judaism, but they do celebrate Jewish festivals,” a friend says. It’s all bracingly pick ‘n’ mix for the Ritchies. Somewhat breathtakingly, the main reason for not exchanging gifts is that Madonna is very much against the commercialism of Christmas. This seems rather a cheek, given the way she has unblushingly flogged her image and her sexuality in the most commercial way possible for three decades.

The day’s highlight will be a low-fat, macrobiotic feast prepared by their chef. (Neither Ritchie nor Madonna cook.) It is highly unlikely to feature turkey, as Madonna has issues with the rearing and slaughtering of poultry. Instead, the “feast” will be based on grains - such as quinoa - and vegetables. Friends of the family say there will be a small amount of unsalted meat for the children and for Ritchie, but salty, fatty treats such as stuffing are completely out.

[From News.com.au]

Lest you think Madonna is just a Christmas Grinch, don’t be worried – she’s a crazy disciplinarian regarding her kids all year long. Fearful that they won’t be mercilessly tormented by their peers, Madonna has piled on the rules. I’m pretty sure when poor Lourdes leaves home, she’s going to gain the freshman 50, all on nothing but cream.

Indeed, the festive season is seen by Madonna as no excuse to stint on her punishing health regimen. She has even hired a nutritionist to advise on her children’s food. As a result, except for the very occasional ice cream as a treat, they have controlled amounts of dairy food, no cheese, no cream, no salt, no preservatives and no sugar.

“They entertain beautifully, but it isn’t what you would call conventional,” a friend says. “A housekeeper will set out a great big table covered in stuff, all macrobiotic, which no one dares eat unless Madonna tucks in. They’re all terrified of her.”

[From News.com.au]

I have to admit, I’m kind of afraid of Madonna too. My God, if she found out the things I said about her, she might stuff me full of quinoa. Seriously, having a healthy diet is great, but when you’re too restrictive with food – hell with anything – it makes kids want it more. You have to give in enough so that yummy food doesn’t attain this reverential status. Seriously, my mom was that way, and I gained like 40 pounds when I left home. It was donut city. I’m pretty sure poor Rocco is going to do nothing but eat Mounds bars the first time he has a week of freedom from his control-freak mom. Listen Madonna, I know that giant stick helped you attain commercial success, but applying the same principles of uptight rigidity might not be the most successful way to raise a happy family.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Madonna out and about in Manhattan on December 9th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Forbes has just released a list of the most powerful celebrity babies, based on media exposure of the last year. Which is a shame, as I was hoping it was based on super powers. Unfortunately, being the child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt only gives you the beauty gene, not the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Hollywood’s Most Influential Babies

1. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
2. Suri Cruise
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Sean Preston Federline
5. Pax Jolie-Pitt
6. Sam Alexis Woods
7. David Banda Ritchie
8. Dannielynn Birkhead
9(tie). Romeo Beckham
9(tie). Cruz Beckham

Forbes

While Shiloh might have topped the list for media exposure, I’m guessing that in reality Suri is more influential. She’s got the whole cult of Scientology behind her! Head of photo agency World Entertainment News Network Jill Stempel also suggests that Suri is responsible for resuscitating Tom Cruise’s career post-couch jumping, making him more human.

Of course, in twenty years I fully expect these babies to be dating each other and getting arrested in awkward circumstances. As the Hollywood Brat Pack of 2027 I’m sure they’ll all continue to command a big media presence, but I’m not sure whether any of them will be independently successful as someone more famous than their parents. Particularly if Britney drops poor little Sean Preston on his head again. Then again, some people might have suggested that Angelina Jolie wouldn’t ever be more successful than her father John Voight, and she seems to be doing okay for herself.

Angelina and Madonna have supposedly put aside their differences. Madonna is said to have called Angelina to offer her support after Zahara’s birth mother started talking to the press last month. The conversation so touched each of them that they wept bitterly over how difficult it is to be a super famous privileged person adopting an African infant whose impoverished family could not afford to keep them. *cough* bullshit *cough*

Madonna publicly dissed Angelina last year when a Time reporter asked her if she was “jumping on a bandwagon” by adopting an African baby. She said “Look, I could have joined the U.N. and become an ambassador and visited various countries and just kind of showed up and smiled and looked concerned. But that’s not getting to the root of the problem.” Instead she decided to set up orphanages to help indoctrinate Malawian children into her cult religion, which she considers superior to working with the U.N.

In January Angelina made a dig back at Madonna, telling a French magazine that she “would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal,” but quickly adding that she’s “been horrified by the attacks [Madonna’s] been subjected to [for adopting Davie].” Angelina’s rep said that the article omitted many more positive comments that she made about Madonna in that same interview.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Madonna and Angelina tearfully bonded over their mutual adoption problems and bisexual pasts but that sounds highly unlikely to me:

Madonna, upset by reports that yet another woman claiming to be the mother of Angelina’s adopted tot Zahara had popped up, phoned [her] and told her to hang in - that she’d had a similar problem when the African father of her adopted son David suddenly claimed he hadn’t understood the word “adopt.” What was supposed to be a brief call turned into an emotional sob-fest that lasted more than an hour - and ended when the moms promised to call each other once a week for support. Delighted Madonna told pals: “I have a new confidante in Angie.”

Of course I added that bonding over their bisexual pasts part, but it’s probably just as true as this is. Maybe I’m wrong and Madonna and Angelina really did pour out their hearts to each other over the phone, realizing that they’re kindred spirits. They’re both haughty highly successful women who think they have the answers to everything. They could either hate or love each other, although most signs point to hate.

I made that header image back in January and could not resist using it again.

Guy Ritchie doesn’t often say much about his marriage to Madonna, but while he’s out on the publicity trail for his new movie ‘Revolver’ he’s getting asked all sorts of nosy questions. Which are my favourite kind of questions.

Q: So, how’s married life these days?

A: “I enjoy it enormously. Wish I’d done it sooner.”

Q: Many people said it would never last, so what’s the secret to a happy showbiz marriage?

A: “Pretty much ignore all the stuff they say and write about you.”

Q: But Madonna just signed this huge deal reportedly worth $120 million over 10 years with concert company Live Nation. Do you ever feel your career gets overshadowed by hers?

A: “Don’t know what you mean! She’s got her career and I’ve got mine. What can you do? She’s Madonna.”

Q: The critics were pretty unkind when you remade “Swept Away” with her.

A: “Were they? I thought our remake was fine It’s a funny thing, as once we made the movie, I went, ‘Oh yeah, that’s the movie we wanted to make.’ It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. It was just supposed to be a pleasant remake. And she was good in it. That’s what I couldn’t understand, because she was conspicuously good in it. But what can you do?”

Guy adds that Madonna is the boss, like in any marriage the woman is the boss. Given that Madonna comes across as, and happily admits to being, a complete control freak I can imagine that she is the boss. If you watch this YouTube clip of her, you’ll see that she is pretty damn good at getting her own way, and can be incredibly disagreeable when she doesn’t. Sort of like a petulant child, actually.

Guy also talks about his new movie ‘Revolver’.

Q: How would you describe “Revolver”?

A: “Don’t go and see it unless you’re interested in head-tricky stuff. I wanted to take what is essentially an introspective movie and put it in a world that was not introspective — in an underworld, in the world of cons and con (artist) tricks. The premise was that the aspects of your mind that get conned are also the aspects that will deny truth … If you go in thinking you’re getting another “Snatch” or something light and funny, you’re going to trip up.”

Reuters

This answer is completely confusing - the movie is about what? Does Guy Ritchie even know what the movie is about? I looked it up on IMD
B and it’s essentially a movie about gambling rivalries, and sounds a lot more interesting than what Guy makes it out to be. The movie is getting panned by critics saying that he is trying to be intellectual and isn’t smart enough to manage it.

Remember when Madonna changed her name to Esther so she could justify all the money she was blowing on that cult that bastardized Judaism? Now she’s said to want people to call her by her middle name, Louise. She’s feeling her age and is trying to invent a new identity for herself that pays homage to her slutty past:

An insider reveals that the singer born Maddona Louise Veronica Ciccone “has started telling us all to call her by her middle name” - after 25 years of being Madonna and then Esther, the Hebrew name she adopted when she began practicing Kabbalah. The latest moniker change “has to do with the fact that she’s having an age crisis,” the insider says about the star… “She says she wants to go back to her roots!” Madonna’s rep denies the story.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, December 10, 2007]

Madonna still has that second middle name, Veronica, so if she gets tired of plain old Louise she can switch it up again. Esther has a grandmotherly feel about it, and if Madonna got started having children a little earlier she could be having grandchildren now. She’s surely aware of that, and sounds keen to reinvent herself yet again. When your hands are getting all wrinkly like that a little plastic surgery and change of hairstyle are no longer going to cut it, and you have to pretend to be a whole new, younger person.

Madonna’s husband, beleaguered film director Guy Ritchie, has a new movie out called Revolver. His earlier films, Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels were fun shoot-em-ups, but then he made that awful Swept Away movie with Madonna. Revolver is being trashed by critics who say it makes no sense and is mind-boggling to try and follow. Some say he’s trying to get too intellectual with it and fails miserably. It’s out in the US on December 7th.

Madonna is shown at the Revolver screening on 12/2/07, thanks to PRPhotos.